At the moment, I'm watching my baby and now-toddler have fun with toilet paper. It amazes me to see how much quality FUN he has with paper. A crumpled and used-up piece of parchment paper I made nachos on? Better to him than any toy. He's a funny little guy.
I'm taking a break from packing things up here chez mom and dad. One of those days when I woke up feeling even more exhausted, even though I'd fallen asleep with the baby and went back to sleep when I'd woken up at 4 am.
Oh, babies ... he just managed to erase all the profundity I'd just written. Oh, well! He's 18 months today, already had a teething-induced tantrum that was soothed by tylenol and sesame street ... and now he's behind my laptop, playing peekaboo with thekeyboard ... lol ...
Going to be one of "those" days!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
A scary thought
On the way to work this morning, I was listening to some radio hosts discuss the infamous Octo-mom's recent interview with her mom on the Dr. Phil show. This woman has a justification for everything, an answer for every criticism ... in her mind, nothing she has done is wrong, even though the entire rest of the world can see there are more than a few screws loose. She's adamant ... what she did was the right thing in her eyes, even though she has no way of supporting her children whatsoever besides handouts.
Her lines of reasoning scared me because I KNOW that type of crazy ... that's BOZO type of crazy! And, in my experience of dealing with it, it is the worst type of crazy because the person really and truly believes they are right, everyone else is wrong, and the only thing you can do is just shake your head in exasperation.
While I feel bad for the 14 children born to the OctoMom ... I'm just glad I personally don't have to deal with that crap on a regular basis anymore!
Her lines of reasoning scared me because I KNOW that type of crazy ... that's BOZO type of crazy! And, in my experience of dealing with it, it is the worst type of crazy because the person really and truly believes they are right, everyone else is wrong, and the only thing you can do is just shake your head in exasperation.
While I feel bad for the 14 children born to the OctoMom ... I'm just glad I personally don't have to deal with that crap on a regular basis anymore!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The saddest/most frustrating/most desolate part of my week is this...
It not easy to see, but the freeway was a parking lot, as far up as I could see and beyond. It was 6:45 pm, nearing 5 total hours of driving time today, NOTHING was moving, and I was on a deadline ... could I possible make it just a few short miles away by 7 pm, when my parents say they HAVE to leave to pick up my middle sister from school, or take the baby with them on a 3 hour car trip?
That's the thing about southern california freeways -- they're unpredictable, uncontrollable, and always frustrating. You can leave early for your intended destination and still get there late ... and that's JUST HOW IT IS. Price we pay for the sunshine, goddammit.
When I took this picture from the point-and-shoot I keep tucked away in my purse, I'd been sitting in that traffic for 5 minutes already. Literally, sitting. Nothing was moving, and nothing would move for 5 more minutes. Come on, come on, come on ... I yelled at the sky ... I have a BABY to go home to!
It was enough time for me to start thinking, to start moving things through my mind that I usually ignore ... taking my hair out of its usual ponytail and remember when Bozo would make me take out my ponytails because he hated the hump on my neck that many women have and thought I would embarrass him with it. For reals. How he would threaten me with this or that ... hah! He should talk ....
Then I entertained calling my parents to check up on the baby ... I usually call twice a day, mostly to my mom's annoyance, but things had gotten so busy at work that it got to be 5 pm and I was headed out the door before I knew it. Didn't want to tempt the hands-free laws, so I let it slide.
Around the end of the wait, I started thinking of power and control and how in my life, in my situation, there are moments when I feel extremely powerless ... that my world is beyond my contol and no matter how many steps forward I've come, I keep falling down life's ladder and struggle to the top.
Isn't that what they call life?
Here's what anonmom is going to tackle next
Now that the dust from Bozo has thoroughly settled, except for the times when he decides to inflate the general vicinity with his hot air, I've decided what my next self-improvement project will be ... my weight.
It's time, it's time, it's been time for almost 18 months now, and I'm going to work on getting rid of the pounds that are holding all the negative thoughts and excuses and "oh, I'll diet later"s and so on.
My weight is something that I'll ALWAYS have to battle with ... there hasn't been a time in my life, almost literally, when I haven't remembered fighting with my appearance. In fact, I clearly remember being about 4 years old, sitting on a table at daycare, looking at the rolls on my toddler tummy, and thinking ... I need to go on a diet.
How did I know all about diets? My poor mom ... she was obsessed with them, just OBSESSED ... the way I clip pictures of makeup and pretty purses, she's collected stacks of torn out magazine pages with the latest and greatest diet plans and weekly menus. In fact, she should frame some of them ... the grapefruit diet, the protein diet, the juice fast diet ... you get the picture.
In my life I've gone up and down and number of times and now I've been halfway up to my highest ever weight (which happened after I got married) and it's time to put that fat suit away. It's not healthy for me, I'm not in my best shape, and I'm not being a good example to my son with my sugary cheats.
My main problem is sugar ... I love it, my DNA makes me crave it ... and yet, my system HATES it ... always have, always will. The thing is, I know what I need to do, I just can't bring myself to DO it.
A few years ago, when I was working at Smack and teetering on the edge of severe obesity, a few of us artists did a diet pool, where you all contribute $20 and whoever loses the most weight after 6 weeks gets the pooled cash. A new mother didn't lose a single pound, and her only remark was, "I guess I'm not ready to lose it, yet."
That's so true for how I've been in the last 18 months ... just not ready to let go of my protective suit ... but, like I said in the beginning ... it's time. Time to change my old perceptions, time to let go of my comfort foods, time to get serious about taking the best care of me.
Hear me roar!
It's time, it's time, it's been time for almost 18 months now, and I'm going to work on getting rid of the pounds that are holding all the negative thoughts and excuses and "oh, I'll diet later"s and so on.
My weight is something that I'll ALWAYS have to battle with ... there hasn't been a time in my life, almost literally, when I haven't remembered fighting with my appearance. In fact, I clearly remember being about 4 years old, sitting on a table at daycare, looking at the rolls on my toddler tummy, and thinking ... I need to go on a diet.
How did I know all about diets? My poor mom ... she was obsessed with them, just OBSESSED ... the way I clip pictures of makeup and pretty purses, she's collected stacks of torn out magazine pages with the latest and greatest diet plans and weekly menus. In fact, she should frame some of them ... the grapefruit diet, the protein diet, the juice fast diet ... you get the picture.
In my life I've gone up and down and number of times and now I've been halfway up to my highest ever weight (which happened after I got married) and it's time to put that fat suit away. It's not healthy for me, I'm not in my best shape, and I'm not being a good example to my son with my sugary cheats.
My main problem is sugar ... I love it, my DNA makes me crave it ... and yet, my system HATES it ... always have, always will. The thing is, I know what I need to do, I just can't bring myself to DO it.
A few years ago, when I was working at Smack and teetering on the edge of severe obesity, a few of us artists did a diet pool, where you all contribute $20 and whoever loses the most weight after 6 weeks gets the pooled cash. A new mother didn't lose a single pound, and her only remark was, "I guess I'm not ready to lose it, yet."
That's so true for how I've been in the last 18 months ... just not ready to let go of my protective suit ... but, like I said in the beginning ... it's time. Time to change my old perceptions, time to let go of my comfort foods, time to get serious about taking the best care of me.
Hear me roar!
Ready to move forward
And so, the year is up ... my lease on life is officially renewed and I'm feeling like there is a world of sunshine ahead of me. And so ... where to go, what to do? What do I do with these new feelings, with this new freedom?
It's up to me ... and I choose to better myself, to make sure I'm stronger this time around and believe that any new relationship will be mutually beneficial, and not a one-sided power trip.
It's funny where life takes you ... after a flurry of exchanges on Facebook, of which I'm somewhat embarrassed about how much I remember of other people's lives (mostly because I didn't always have one), I'm looking back on my life and thinking ... you know, I was actually pretty cool for all those years I thought I wasn't.
Life isn't at all what I thought it would be, but that's the fun of it ... at least that's how I prefer to think.
My recent illness gave me a chance to recoup -- to renew -- to restart on ME and I'm already reaping the benefits. For instance, when in the face of sugar on SEVERAL occasions in the last day because everyone in my life loves to be baking or buying the sweets, I've been able to say no and move on.
The lack of control with food is my next challenge. Done with Bozo, out with the old schema, move on to me and making myself the best person and mother I can be.
That's love.
It's up to me ... and I choose to better myself, to make sure I'm stronger this time around and believe that any new relationship will be mutually beneficial, and not a one-sided power trip.
It's funny where life takes you ... after a flurry of exchanges on Facebook, of which I'm somewhat embarrassed about how much I remember of other people's lives (mostly because I didn't always have one), I'm looking back on my life and thinking ... you know, I was actually pretty cool for all those years I thought I wasn't.
Life isn't at all what I thought it would be, but that's the fun of it ... at least that's how I prefer to think.
My recent illness gave me a chance to recoup -- to renew -- to restart on ME and I'm already reaping the benefits. For instance, when in the face of sugar on SEVERAL occasions in the last day because everyone in my life loves to be baking or buying the sweets, I've been able to say no and move on.
The lack of control with food is my next challenge. Done with Bozo, out with the old schema, move on to me and making myself the best person and mother I can be.
That's love.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Energy
Last night before I stumbled into bed, still half-sick and ready for the hours of sleep ahead of me, I read an interesting passage about energy in one of my inspirational books.
The writer said that we shouldn't expect to GET energy from object - not from crystals, not from cards - but we should look at it as if we're GIVING energy to objects and other people and that we should strive to give out POSITIVE energy out to the world.
You give what you get, right?
My 2 sick days were just what I needed -- I truly feel like the sleep I was able to catch up on purged a lot of my negative feelings and I'm back to a baseline -- going either negative or positive with those feelings is up to me.
Today I've been pondering that passage I read last night ... and just as I was getting up from a task area, the most negative coworker brushes past me with the most snakishly negative squinty smile on his face.
Today I won't accept that negativity.
The writer said that we shouldn't expect to GET energy from object - not from crystals, not from cards - but we should look at it as if we're GIVING energy to objects and other people and that we should strive to give out POSITIVE energy out to the world.
You give what you get, right?
My 2 sick days were just what I needed -- I truly feel like the sleep I was able to catch up on purged a lot of my negative feelings and I'm back to a baseline -- going either negative or positive with those feelings is up to me.
Today I've been pondering that passage I read last night ... and just as I was getting up from a task area, the most negative coworker brushes past me with the most snakishly negative squinty smile on his face.
Today I won't accept that negativity.
Temper Tantrums
As involved as I was in the self-improvement realm before I met Bozo, it's taken me a long time to recoup and get to the level I was at pre-Bozo, because I really and truly lost all sense of direction once I met him.
It was a combo of a lot of things ... vulnerability due to low self-esteem and so much more. Then, I met this person who's ego was larger than life, and let his loudness overwhelm what little I really knew of myself.
What I've learned in life is that loud people are just that ... LOUD ... with little more to substantiate them than their larger than life sense of selves. And so it is with Bozo ... and there were times, so many times, when in order to get myself heard, in order to have my own ego wave a little flag in order to be noticed, I would have to throw a temper tantrum.
I'm not proud of what I did during our relationship struggles, but when someone is coming down on you for the silliest offense, like opening an envelope wrong, or telling you he's going to leave you unless x, y, or z, you're going to throw some plates sometimes.
Yes, this might end up in you being called a crazy f-ing bitch, but at least you've got your point across, and for the moment, you've overshadowed the loudness. Just for a moment, you have your time in the spotlight.
I'm not proud of that behavior, but I'm aware of it, and it's something I hope to avoid in future realtionships.
It was a combo of a lot of things ... vulnerability due to low self-esteem and so much more. Then, I met this person who's ego was larger than life, and let his loudness overwhelm what little I really knew of myself.
What I've learned in life is that loud people are just that ... LOUD ... with little more to substantiate them than their larger than life sense of selves. And so it is with Bozo ... and there were times, so many times, when in order to get myself heard, in order to have my own ego wave a little flag in order to be noticed, I would have to throw a temper tantrum.
I'm not proud of what I did during our relationship struggles, but when someone is coming down on you for the silliest offense, like opening an envelope wrong, or telling you he's going to leave you unless x, y, or z, you're going to throw some plates sometimes.
Yes, this might end up in you being called a crazy f-ing bitch, but at least you've got your point across, and for the moment, you've overshadowed the loudness. Just for a moment, you have your time in the spotlight.
I'm not proud of that behavior, but I'm aware of it, and it's something I hope to avoid in future realtionships.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Remembering
While on my sick time, while losing hours of the day in sleep that seems to go by in mere minutes, I've been remembering a different time in my life, in a much different place. Seems like light years, and also like almost yesterday.
When I was living with my parents in my early 20's, way after the time I really should have been living there, there were times I used to consider taking a day off from work and school and getting a hotel room for a day, if only to have just *one* day of peaceful sleep. You see, in my parent's house there is no lack of noise ... they are a small family of 4 who rarely let anyone from the outside in (and vice versa) and yet, they generate enough noise to more than make up for their isolation.
What with the music or talk radio turned up extra loud (because my mom is stone cold deaf), my dad's humming and talking to himself (drives me insane to this day), my sisters just being teenagers, it's a LOT of noise.
And now, as an adult, finally on my own, I am so grateful that I got sick on a day when I wasn't at my mom's house, when I had those hours of sleep in quiet and I didn't have to pray that I could just be in a hotel room for one day ... because I am in my very own little home.
When I was living with my parents in my early 20's, way after the time I really should have been living there, there were times I used to consider taking a day off from work and school and getting a hotel room for a day, if only to have just *one* day of peaceful sleep. You see, in my parent's house there is no lack of noise ... they are a small family of 4 who rarely let anyone from the outside in (and vice versa) and yet, they generate enough noise to more than make up for their isolation.
What with the music or talk radio turned up extra loud (because my mom is stone cold deaf), my dad's humming and talking to himself (drives me insane to this day), my sisters just being teenagers, it's a LOT of noise.
And now, as an adult, finally on my own, I am so grateful that I got sick on a day when I wasn't at my mom's house, when I had those hours of sleep in quiet and I didn't have to pray that I could just be in a hotel room for one day ... because I am in my very own little home.
Sick day
Quick health update -- I'm home today on a sick day, still not 100% but feeling MOUNDS better, thanks to tons of sleep and pedialyte and gatorade.
My exMIL brought the baby home about 7:30 or so, and we had a couple of hours together before he went to sleep, and I went to sleep with him. Sleep = good.
This morning we woke up around our normal time, and I dressed him to go to exMILs house, where he'll stay today. I made a Target run and picked up some more gatorade, frozen fruit bars and fudgcicles, since I still don't know if I can handle solids today.
When I was in Target, I saw so many new mommies there with their Graco snap n go car seats in the shopping carts ... mommies on maternity leave ... oh, how I miss those days. As I drove home, it just seemed so special ... to be out and about on a weekday. Nice to have this day off, and nice to be able to get some REST, which I will be doing very soon.
My exMIL brought the baby home about 7:30 or so, and we had a couple of hours together before he went to sleep, and I went to sleep with him. Sleep = good.
This morning we woke up around our normal time, and I dressed him to go to exMILs house, where he'll stay today. I made a Target run and picked up some more gatorade, frozen fruit bars and fudgcicles, since I still don't know if I can handle solids today.
When I was in Target, I saw so many new mommies there with their Graco snap n go car seats in the shopping carts ... mommies on maternity leave ... oh, how I miss those days. As I drove home, it just seemed so special ... to be out and about on a weekday. Nice to have this day off, and nice to be able to get some REST, which I will be doing very soon.
For The Baby
A letter to my son, on the one year anniversary of his dad leaving ….
My beautiful, wonderful sonshine,
In my wildest dreams, I would never have imagined having a child as precious to me as you are. I don’t know why I always assumed I would have a girl, but you surprised me and darned if we all didn’t fall right in love with you from the very beginning.
You were a surprise from the start, but I hope you know that you were made with love, and it is with the utmost love and regard, pride, and pleasure that I am raising you.
A year ago, I was a very different person. I was scared of many things – of your father and his behavior, of the unsure future, of the thought of becoming a single mom. I did know one thing for sure, and that was that you didn’t deserve to grow up in a house of hatred, fear, and unhappiness. And so, I made a very difficult choice and did some very difficult things, but they were done, and now our lives are more promising than ever.
There are many things I wonder how I’m going to tell you … how will I tell your dad was verbally and physically abusive towards me in our marriage? Do I even tell you that? Will you hate me for not being married to your dad? Will you hold this resentment against me for the rest of your life and then send me a big ol’, honking therapy bill?
I don’t know, but that was the risk I took last year. You see, my love, there are times when a divorce is for the best … and I can say that is the truth in this situation. All I can say is that you are loved by everyone around you, and that is all you need to know… you’re our jewel, our gift, and it is my personal life’s joy to be your mother.
Hey, if it weren’t for you, I would never have had the courage to stand up for myself for once and for all, to declare to an unwise person that I am better than he said I was. I owe you quite a debt of gratitude for that.
We’ve come so far, and my greatest wish for you is that you know kindness, that you grow up with a sense of awareness of the world around you … to know that you are a great part of this world, that you can contribute your greatness to the world, and that you deserve nothing but goodness and happiness in your life. Really. I mean it.
I love you,
Mommy
My beautiful, wonderful sonshine,
In my wildest dreams, I would never have imagined having a child as precious to me as you are. I don’t know why I always assumed I would have a girl, but you surprised me and darned if we all didn’t fall right in love with you from the very beginning.
You were a surprise from the start, but I hope you know that you were made with love, and it is with the utmost love and regard, pride, and pleasure that I am raising you.
A year ago, I was a very different person. I was scared of many things – of your father and his behavior, of the unsure future, of the thought of becoming a single mom. I did know one thing for sure, and that was that you didn’t deserve to grow up in a house of hatred, fear, and unhappiness. And so, I made a very difficult choice and did some very difficult things, but they were done, and now our lives are more promising than ever.
There are many things I wonder how I’m going to tell you … how will I tell your dad was verbally and physically abusive towards me in our marriage? Do I even tell you that? Will you hate me for not being married to your dad? Will you hold this resentment against me for the rest of your life and then send me a big ol’, honking therapy bill?
I don’t know, but that was the risk I took last year. You see, my love, there are times when a divorce is for the best … and I can say that is the truth in this situation. All I can say is that you are loved by everyone around you, and that is all you need to know… you’re our jewel, our gift, and it is my personal life’s joy to be your mother.
Hey, if it weren’t for you, I would never have had the courage to stand up for myself for once and for all, to declare to an unwise person that I am better than he said I was. I owe you quite a debt of gratitude for that.
We’ve come so far, and my greatest wish for you is that you know kindness, that you grow up with a sense of awareness of the world around you … to know that you are a great part of this world, that you can contribute your greatness to the world, and that you deserve nothing but goodness and happiness in your life. Really. I mean it.
I love you,
Mommy
Monday, February 23, 2009
Veeeeeeeeeeeeery sick
Well, I ended up leaving for home at 10 am, as I felt barfing was imminent as I had that crazy dizzy feeling that you know isn't going to lead anywhere nice. Long story short, I end up at home, zonk out in bed, and that was that.
At 2pm, I decided to get up and go to my annual checkup at the ob/gyn, since I've canceled it 5 times and I figured I would be well enough ... WRONG ... I end up leaving the waiting room after 5 minutes (seeing a national geographic with pictures of mummies did NOT help), see stars on my way to the parking lot, and zonk out on a bench for 10 minutes. And not one person came to help!
I slowly make it to my car, sleep for an hour, then decided to go to McDonalds for a sundae ... maybe I can keep ice cream down??? We'll see. Can't believe a)I went to f-ing McDonalds after refusing to have anything but their drinks, and b) that I am THIS sick! I really haven't been this sick for decades.
Ugh .... back to bed.
At 2pm, I decided to get up and go to my annual checkup at the ob/gyn, since I've canceled it 5 times and I figured I would be well enough ... WRONG ... I end up leaving the waiting room after 5 minutes (seeing a national geographic with pictures of mummies did NOT help), see stars on my way to the parking lot, and zonk out on a bench for 10 minutes. And not one person came to help!
I slowly make it to my car, sleep for an hour, then decided to go to McDonalds for a sundae ... maybe I can keep ice cream down??? We'll see. Can't believe a)I went to f-ing McDonalds after refusing to have anything but their drinks, and b) that I am THIS sick! I really haven't been this sick for decades.
Ugh .... back to bed.
Sick
Had a great post planned, but am feeling extremely ill. Not illin' in the good way. At work. Trying to keep it together.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Memories
While looking at the photos of a weekend getaway sent to me by step-sister-in-law and her girlfriend, I'm taken back to a time when I asked Bozo why we never went anywhere.
Looking back, I have to think his refusal to leave his bat cave/mild agoraphobia is a result of his possible bipolarism, but his excuse for NEVER, EVER taking me on any kind of vacation was my fault. It's because I didn't speak any languages well enough, and if I couldn't even speak my "mother tongue" fluently, why should he even bother taking me anywhere because I would only embarrass myself in front of the locals.
Seriously.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Looking back, I have to think his refusal to leave his bat cave/mild agoraphobia is a result of his possible bipolarism, but his excuse for NEVER, EVER taking me on any kind of vacation was my fault. It's because I didn't speak any languages well enough, and if I couldn't even speak my "mother tongue" fluently, why should he even bother taking me anywhere because I would only embarrass myself in front of the locals.
Seriously.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
One of those days
Today, my unexpected bonus day with the baby, turned out to be great, and yet, on the eve after of the birthday bash for another little boy, I'm feeling the pangs of single motherhood more than ever.
It's a combination of being extremely sick, realizing that the only person who can take care of me is me, being scared to death by the crappy neighbors having an altercation with "customers", feeling and looking like hell warmed over, and just generally feeling the pains of the tight economy.
There are just SO many moments where I wish and think and hope and pray that there was someone else to rely on, someone else who was walking BY my side in this journey. As a single mother, I can say I've never felt so fulfilled and yet so extremely alone.
That's what hurts the most, the loneliness .... For the most part, I can handle it, but when I'm hacking up a lung and needing groceries and the baby doesn't want to sit in the grocery cart and no one else can go grocery shopping ... aaargh. Can you understand my frustration?
Bozo didn't disappoint me today ... it's just par for the course, but I'm still taken aback at the utter disrespect by not even giving me any kind of courstesy notice about his absensce. That's just another reminder to me to not pay him ANY attention when he tries to pull his stunts, like the ones he did last week. We're not married anymore, and just because he donated sperm to make our child doesn't mean I have to still take his mental abuse.
Next Sunday is a very exciting event -- I am meeting up with some amazing single parents that I've met online, and I am really looking forward to being amongst single parents, because I am NEVER around single parents in my every day life.
Knowing that there ARE other single parents who are at least online gives me tremendous hope and helps me get through the tough times ... I really am NOT alone out there, and I'm not the only person raising a child with a Bozo for an ex.
Things like that make a TREMENDOUS difference. Trust.
It's a combination of being extremely sick, realizing that the only person who can take care of me is me, being scared to death by the crappy neighbors having an altercation with "customers", feeling and looking like hell warmed over, and just generally feeling the pains of the tight economy.
There are just SO many moments where I wish and think and hope and pray that there was someone else to rely on, someone else who was walking BY my side in this journey. As a single mother, I can say I've never felt so fulfilled and yet so extremely alone.
That's what hurts the most, the loneliness .... For the most part, I can handle it, but when I'm hacking up a lung and needing groceries and the baby doesn't want to sit in the grocery cart and no one else can go grocery shopping ... aaargh. Can you understand my frustration?
Bozo didn't disappoint me today ... it's just par for the course, but I'm still taken aback at the utter disrespect by not even giving me any kind of courstesy notice about his absensce. That's just another reminder to me to not pay him ANY attention when he tries to pull his stunts, like the ones he did last week. We're not married anymore, and just because he donated sperm to make our child doesn't mean I have to still take his mental abuse.
Next Sunday is a very exciting event -- I am meeting up with some amazing single parents that I've met online, and I am really looking forward to being amongst single parents, because I am NEVER around single parents in my every day life.
Knowing that there ARE other single parents who are at least online gives me tremendous hope and helps me get through the tough times ... I really am NOT alone out there, and I'm not the only person raising a child with a Bozo for an ex.
Things like that make a TREMENDOUS difference. Trust.
It's turning out ok ...
... this unexpected bonus day with the baby. In the morning, he accompanied me to the grocery store for a couple of things I needed and was very well behaved (for ONCE!). There was a drippy older mom/daughter duo singing to themselves and making sarcastic comments about the baby to themselves, but I just ignored them, even when they made a joke about me dropping a can of Diet Hansen's soda that ended up exploding on the floor.
Yes, I know babies are a handful, thank you very much for your opinion today.
On that note, what is UP with people lately? Last week when I took baby to the nice park with the duck pond, a couple of kids started making fun of me when I told him "no, no, no!" ... geesh, talk about making someone feel insecure, and they were kids! In an instant, I felt 12 all over again.
Baby fell asleep on the way home, stymying my attempt to pick up coffee at Trader Joe's because I am absolutely out of it. He's been napping ever since and it's given me the rare opportunity to get a ton of cooking done -- mac n cheese, posole for my cold, flax meal muffins, and baked oatmeal. Everything is all cleaned and put away and I'm going to take the next few minutes to CHILL.
Ahh ...
Yes, I know babies are a handful, thank you very much for your opinion today.
On that note, what is UP with people lately? Last week when I took baby to the nice park with the duck pond, a couple of kids started making fun of me when I told him "no, no, no!" ... geesh, talk about making someone feel insecure, and they were kids! In an instant, I felt 12 all over again.
Baby fell asleep on the way home, stymying my attempt to pick up coffee at Trader Joe's because I am absolutely out of it. He's been napping ever since and it's given me the rare opportunity to get a ton of cooking done -- mac n cheese, posole for my cold, flax meal muffins, and baked oatmeal. Everything is all cleaned and put away and I'm going to take the next few minutes to CHILL.
Ahh ...
Here's to irresponsible dads
Today is Bozo's day with the baby, and I needed to have a few hours to myself. NEEDED. My cold has turned into a cold of cosmic proportions, and even last nights deep sleep of many hours didn't help me.
So, about an hour ago, I called to check in with my exMIL before she leaves to her mom's house an hour north of us ... havent' talked to exMIL since last week and wanted to give her the birthday party wrapup. Bozo can't watch the baby today, she informed me.
And no courtesy text, not a single phone call? Nothing? He told her yesterday, plenty of time to give me, the mother, a heads up.
I don't know why I'd expect anything more from Bozo.
.....
Yesterday as I was unsuccessfuly packing the baby's books and toys at my mom's house -- unsuccessful because all he wanted to do was keep pulling them out of the bags -- I told her my one year emanicpation anniversary was this week.
She congratulated me and when I told her I didn't think I'd ever get married again, she said -- who knows, in a couple of years, maybe you'll find a man with your situation, whose wife was mean to him.
Who knows.
So, about an hour ago, I called to check in with my exMIL before she leaves to her mom's house an hour north of us ... havent' talked to exMIL since last week and wanted to give her the birthday party wrapup. Bozo can't watch the baby today, she informed me.
And no courtesy text, not a single phone call? Nothing? He told her yesterday, plenty of time to give me, the mother, a heads up.
I don't know why I'd expect anything more from Bozo.
.....
Yesterday as I was unsuccessfuly packing the baby's books and toys at my mom's house -- unsuccessful because all he wanted to do was keep pulling them out of the bags -- I told her my one year emanicpation anniversary was this week.
She congratulated me and when I told her I didn't think I'd ever get married again, she said -- who knows, in a couple of years, maybe you'll find a man with your situation, whose wife was mean to him.
Who knows.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wouldnt it be nice
Man, going out to parties in your 30s as a single mom just isn't the same as when you/I was a carefree singleton in her 20s. Especially when its a first birthday party attended by numberous toddlers and their parents. Now THAT'S a workout, and the reason why its 11 pm and I've stumbled out of bed after falling asleep next to the baby while putting him to sleep a couple of hours ago.
I feel bombed out of my mind. And, after writing this, will just stumble back into bed, won't wash my face or brush my teeth, but hope for hours and hours of sleep to come.
It's necessary! I fully believe in doing this once in a great while.
The amazing (not being sarcastic for once) first birthday party was for my work bff's son, and as always, it was a well-attended bash with oodles of well-made food. We all stuffed ourselves, ran after babies, and watched them all have a swell old time playing with each other. I don't see this group that often, so it was very sweet and heartwarming to see these kids that I've known since their early months play and interact like normal toddlers should.
As usual, I was overdressed in a mini-dress and heels, which ended up being switched for flipflops before I helped them aerate their lawn. Sigh.
At the end, when all the babies were getting their cranky on and the pacrents were ready to go, I started chatting with a co-worker with whom i've bonded with over kids who is actually in a much higher position than me in another department.
She got the "rough cut" of my divorce and then I started talking about practicalies (sleep typing this ...woof, every few words comes out like this lals;dhag29229* ... bad). She and her husband spend $20,000 on daycare fror their 2 girls,
We started talking about my divorce and she was shockeed to hear that my ex is only paying $150/month in child support, and I told her it was hard for me to be at this party in many ways.
You see, it was a family party and I was really the only mom there on my own. I saw so many decent men help their wives with the kids, be part of a true family, and I have none of that. Could be I never will.
These were men my age or a little older, so into being at a birthday party, so the antithesis of Bozo, such a reminder of his failures, and proof that GOOD MEN (not boys) exist.
Next time, inspiration from Essence Magazine.
I feel bombed out of my mind. And, after writing this, will just stumble back into bed, won't wash my face or brush my teeth, but hope for hours and hours of sleep to come.
It's necessary! I fully believe in doing this once in a great while.
The amazing (not being sarcastic for once) first birthday party was for my work bff's son, and as always, it was a well-attended bash with oodles of well-made food. We all stuffed ourselves, ran after babies, and watched them all have a swell old time playing with each other. I don't see this group that often, so it was very sweet and heartwarming to see these kids that I've known since their early months play and interact like normal toddlers should.
As usual, I was overdressed in a mini-dress and heels, which ended up being switched for flipflops before I helped them aerate their lawn. Sigh.
At the end, when all the babies were getting their cranky on and the pacrents were ready to go, I started chatting with a co-worker with whom i've bonded with over kids who is actually in a much higher position than me in another department.
She got the "rough cut" of my divorce and then I started talking about practicalies (sleep typing this ...woof, every few words comes out like this lals;dhag29229* ... bad). She and her husband spend $20,000 on daycare fror their 2 girls,
We started talking about my divorce and she was shockeed to hear that my ex is only paying $150/month in child support, and I told her it was hard for me to be at this party in many ways.
You see, it was a family party and I was really the only mom there on my own. I saw so many decent men help their wives with the kids, be part of a true family, and I have none of that. Could be I never will.
These were men my age or a little older, so into being at a birthday party, so the antithesis of Bozo, such a reminder of his failures, and proof that GOOD MEN (not boys) exist.
Next time, inspiration from Essence Magazine.
Scary things I'm thankful for avoiding
Mexico is in the middle of a very volatile and dangerous and violent drug war that has led to a state where law enforcement is virtually ineffective. Last night I came upon this article about the problems happening in the city of Juarez, Mexico and how it's trickling over into it's neighboring city of El Paso, Texas.
El Paso is where Bozo was adamant about us moving. He didn't have a job there, but was sure he could find one immediately. He had one friend who lived there whose family was in the process of moving back to California.
Bozo said my reluctance to move was holding us back in life. But, I knew better -- I knew it wouldn't be the land of milk and honey, that we wouldn't live in the nicer area that where his friend lived, that I would never be the stay at home mom he promised I would be.
bullet dodged. Literally.
El Paso is where Bozo was adamant about us moving. He didn't have a job there, but was sure he could find one immediately. He had one friend who lived there whose family was in the process of moving back to California.
Bozo said my reluctance to move was holding us back in life. But, I knew better -- I knew it wouldn't be the land of milk and honey, that we wouldn't live in the nicer area that where his friend lived, that I would never be the stay at home mom he promised I would be.
bullet dodged. Literally.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I might not have a goal, but I do have a plan ...
Growing up, and even now, my dad used to utterly torment me with one single phrase ... "anonmom, do you have a GOAL?"
The answer then and now is NO! My life as a single mom is a day-to-day thing, with surprises popping up when I least expect them.
However, given my financial crisis of late, I have made a plan .... I'm not going to lie to you all, things are BAD chez anonmom. BAD. I'm not buying anything extraneous whatsoever, and after all is said and done, I can only afford to go grocery shopping every other week and spend no more than $60 a time.
No, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like it, but this is the reality of my life right now. I'll admit I have been doing a LOT of shopping in my exMIL and mom's pantries and I am very grateful to have them for that resource!
ARGH ... if I could only have found my taxes from last year so I could have efiled .... aaargh ... now instead of a quick refund, I have to wait a couple more weeks. AAAARGH.
So, what's the point of all this moaning and groaning? Oh, yes ... my plan... My plan is to move ... I have to do it, no other choice. Even if it means me and the little guy moving into a studio, we'll do it....
It WILL happen.
The answer then and now is NO! My life as a single mom is a day-to-day thing, with surprises popping up when I least expect them.
However, given my financial crisis of late, I have made a plan .... I'm not going to lie to you all, things are BAD chez anonmom. BAD. I'm not buying anything extraneous whatsoever, and after all is said and done, I can only afford to go grocery shopping every other week and spend no more than $60 a time.
No, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like it, but this is the reality of my life right now. I'll admit I have been doing a LOT of shopping in my exMIL and mom's pantries and I am very grateful to have them for that resource!
ARGH ... if I could only have found my taxes from last year so I could have efiled .... aaargh ... now instead of a quick refund, I have to wait a couple more weeks. AAAARGH.
So, what's the point of all this moaning and groaning? Oh, yes ... my plan... My plan is to move ... I have to do it, no other choice. Even if it means me and the little guy moving into a studio, we'll do it....
It WILL happen.
The fruit of my anything-to-do with weddings obsession
1. When I was doing my makeup artist thing, I had the opportunity to make up many brides … which was a good and interesting experience.
Yes, some were demanding, perfectionist bridezillas, but for the most part, I lucked out and got some amazing customers that I still think about from time to time.
My very first wedding … as I was organizing and cleaning up my supplies in a crowded hotel room, the videographer comes in to interview the bride and asked her to send a message to her groom … not verbatim, but close:
“After being alone for so many years, I accepted the fact that I would be single forever. And then, to my surprise, I met you….”
2. From my favorite wedding prep blog, a simple toast that I think encompasses a tremendous amount of good thoughts: “May you love each other the least on your wedding day.”
3. From India.Arie, Can I Walk With You, one of my favorite songs that I totally forgot about until last night when it randomly came to mind… I think I may have seen it on Oprah a few years ago, and I love the thought behind the lyrics, especially this one: But I can tell you all the drama aside you and I can find what the worlds been looking for forever friendship and love together.
Yes, I do have a problem, but honestly, when I think of me actually getting married again, it makes me want to hurl.
Weird.
Yes, some were demanding, perfectionist bridezillas, but for the most part, I lucked out and got some amazing customers that I still think about from time to time.
My very first wedding … as I was organizing and cleaning up my supplies in a crowded hotel room, the videographer comes in to interview the bride and asked her to send a message to her groom … not verbatim, but close:
“After being alone for so many years, I accepted the fact that I would be single forever. And then, to my surprise, I met you….”
2. From my favorite wedding prep blog, a simple toast that I think encompasses a tremendous amount of good thoughts: “May you love each other the least on your wedding day.”
3. From India.Arie, Can I Walk With You, one of my favorite songs that I totally forgot about until last night when it randomly came to mind… I think I may have seen it on Oprah a few years ago, and I love the thought behind the lyrics, especially this one: But I can tell you all the drama aside you and I can find what the worlds been looking for forever friendship and love together.
Yes, I do have a problem, but honestly, when I think of me actually getting married again, it makes me want to hurl.
Weird.
Burnt Tongue
It's a wonder I have any taste buds left. I hate it when I burn my tongue, but it is something that happens on a regular/weekly basis.
Being highly impatient by nature, I cannot let things just *happen* ... no, I have to eat food while it's still boiling hot, have to be first in line at the movies, have to be the first to arrive for an appointment and instead of savoring food, I gobble it down prefering the thrill of the kill to the actual taste and texture and feel, have to be the first to get married even though it's an unwise decision and neither of us fully understands the consequences of our actions.
So it is with the rest of my life ... a lesson in patience. Oh, the prize WILL be there in the end, however it's not a race ... life gives us many years to live, we have to acknowledge this and trust that in the end, the universe will have given us and shown us what we need exactly when it's supposed to happen.
There was a song my elementary schoolmates and I used to sing at the Christian school -- trust and obey, for there's no other way.
And so it is ... trust the universe. It will not fail you. Promise.
Being highly impatient by nature, I cannot let things just *happen* ... no, I have to eat food while it's still boiling hot, have to be first in line at the movies, have to be the first to arrive for an appointment and instead of savoring food, I gobble it down prefering the thrill of the kill to the actual taste and texture and feel, have to be the first to get married even though it's an unwise decision and neither of us fully understands the consequences of our actions.
So it is with the rest of my life ... a lesson in patience. Oh, the prize WILL be there in the end, however it's not a race ... life gives us many years to live, we have to acknowledge this and trust that in the end, the universe will have given us and shown us what we need exactly when it's supposed to happen.
There was a song my elementary schoolmates and I used to sing at the Christian school -- trust and obey, for there's no other way.
And so it is ... trust the universe. It will not fail you. Promise.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I drank the kool-aid
Thinking back on my relationship with Bozo on the near-one year anniversary of its demise, it is clear I was not in my right mind while beginning it. I drank the kool-aid, per se, and allowed my self-esteem to be trampled on by a man not clearly in his right frame of mind.
Standing at this point in my life, I can look back at the path behind me and see so vividly that he was not someone to have dedicated so much worry and time to. I can see clearly now the rain has gone, as the song goes, and that rain has been gone for quite some time now.
So, here's the eternal question I'm dying to have answered by life ... why did I do it? Why did I fully participate in the attempted murder of my self-worth only to have to battle for years to fully reclaim it?
I'm not all that sure myself yet, but thinking about this subject, as I often do, brings me back to a movie that has been very near and dear to my heart for the last few years. You may know it -- it's a cult indie rock musical film called Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
This movie first came into my life when right before I'd left the little hamlet by the bay six years ago, just getting over the radio man entanglement and was in dire need of inspiration. That's part of the reason I left the area anyway ... I had gotten all I needed out of it and felt that my future was in southern California and I made it happen.
Hedwig is one of the few movies that has ever spoken directly to me ... sure, I'm not a transexual with a botched sex-change, but it's just something about the honesty and raw emotion that John Cameron Mitchell brings to the lead character that made such a tremendous impact on my life, on my thoughts and actions. At the core of the story is unrequited love, coming to terms that the person you sacrificed so much for will never reciprocate, and then, at the end, coming to terms with yourself AS YOU ARE.
One of my favorite songs of all-time is The Origins of Love, from the film Hedwig. It's a well-researched song entrenched in mythology that Hedwig writes to sort through his feelings about love and attachment. According to the old greek myths, humans were originally attached to partners, and in a fit of anger Zeus separated us, leaving us to forever search for our missing half.
At the end of the film, Hedwig has parted ways with his love interests and you see him/her walking down an alleyway, naked, with a tattoo of a complete self ... the combination of two halves that were the motif of the story. Moral of the story, as I saw it, we are only complete unto ourselves ... we can't wait/expect/demand anyone else to complete us. Brilliance. Sheer brilliance.
It made so much sense to me, and yet, and yet ... I still did it to myself ... still underminded what I knew about myself to acquiese to the demands of a man without all of his senses. Clearly, I had major self-esteem issues, but I'm better now.
When Bozo left for Lebanon and I had started to pick up the pieces, I met someone who became very dear and special to my life in the most unconventional way. While accompanying two friends to help one pick out a sofa, we started chatting with the owner and his salesperson, and I hit it off immediatley with the sales person. Turns out he was a huge Hedwig fan and we went to see it when a live production of it came to a small venue on Sunset Boulevard in LA. Such a cool LA experience, and I love the memories. :)
After the show, we spent some time in my car talking ... he is intuitive and he did a tarot card reading. I shared my deepest secrets with him, he shared his deepest secrets with me. We laughed, we cried, he helped me heal the deep, deep wound Bozo had left me with. I'll never forget it.
He helped me so much with rebuilding my self-esteem by holding my hand through some very dark times, and I'll never forget the favor. As I am a catalyst in this lifetime, I helped him quit the job he was miserable at, leave LA, move to Colorado where he is beyond happy and living his wildest dreams. As he is a flighty aquarian, I rarely hear from him only to hear that he is doing well, and that is the best news you CAN hear.
Another friend/co-worker from that time just got engaged in a very special way ... under the Eiffel Tower with an unbelievably beautiful rock ... we met in the same time period and her free-spirited ways helped me break out of my shell in many ways, and with my encouragement, she broke up with the boyfriend who was making her miserable and eventually found the man of her wildest dreams to whom she is engaged.
Ah, I love happy endings. Mine will come, maybe not right way, but it will.
Here's the video to "The Origins of Love" ... watch the animation ... you'll love it, I know you will.
Standing at this point in my life, I can look back at the path behind me and see so vividly that he was not someone to have dedicated so much worry and time to. I can see clearly now the rain has gone, as the song goes, and that rain has been gone for quite some time now.
So, here's the eternal question I'm dying to have answered by life ... why did I do it? Why did I fully participate in the attempted murder of my self-worth only to have to battle for years to fully reclaim it?
I'm not all that sure myself yet, but thinking about this subject, as I often do, brings me back to a movie that has been very near and dear to my heart for the last few years. You may know it -- it's a cult indie rock musical film called Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
This movie first came into my life when right before I'd left the little hamlet by the bay six years ago, just getting over the radio man entanglement and was in dire need of inspiration. That's part of the reason I left the area anyway ... I had gotten all I needed out of it and felt that my future was in southern California and I made it happen.
Hedwig is one of the few movies that has ever spoken directly to me ... sure, I'm not a transexual with a botched sex-change, but it's just something about the honesty and raw emotion that John Cameron Mitchell brings to the lead character that made such a tremendous impact on my life, on my thoughts and actions. At the core of the story is unrequited love, coming to terms that the person you sacrificed so much for will never reciprocate, and then, at the end, coming to terms with yourself AS YOU ARE.
One of my favorite songs of all-time is The Origins of Love, from the film Hedwig. It's a well-researched song entrenched in mythology that Hedwig writes to sort through his feelings about love and attachment. According to the old greek myths, humans were originally attached to partners, and in a fit of anger Zeus separated us, leaving us to forever search for our missing half.
At the end of the film, Hedwig has parted ways with his love interests and you see him/her walking down an alleyway, naked, with a tattoo of a complete self ... the combination of two halves that were the motif of the story. Moral of the story, as I saw it, we are only complete unto ourselves ... we can't wait/expect/demand anyone else to complete us. Brilliance. Sheer brilliance.
It made so much sense to me, and yet, and yet ... I still did it to myself ... still underminded what I knew about myself to acquiese to the demands of a man without all of his senses. Clearly, I had major self-esteem issues, but I'm better now.
When Bozo left for Lebanon and I had started to pick up the pieces, I met someone who became very dear and special to my life in the most unconventional way. While accompanying two friends to help one pick out a sofa, we started chatting with the owner and his salesperson, and I hit it off immediatley with the sales person. Turns out he was a huge Hedwig fan and we went to see it when a live production of it came to a small venue on Sunset Boulevard in LA. Such a cool LA experience, and I love the memories. :)
After the show, we spent some time in my car talking ... he is intuitive and he did a tarot card reading. I shared my deepest secrets with him, he shared his deepest secrets with me. We laughed, we cried, he helped me heal the deep, deep wound Bozo had left me with. I'll never forget it.
He helped me so much with rebuilding my self-esteem by holding my hand through some very dark times, and I'll never forget the favor. As I am a catalyst in this lifetime, I helped him quit the job he was miserable at, leave LA, move to Colorado where he is beyond happy and living his wildest dreams. As he is a flighty aquarian, I rarely hear from him only to hear that he is doing well, and that is the best news you CAN hear.
Another friend/co-worker from that time just got engaged in a very special way ... under the Eiffel Tower with an unbelievably beautiful rock ... we met in the same time period and her free-spirited ways helped me break out of my shell in many ways, and with my encouragement, she broke up with the boyfriend who was making her miserable and eventually found the man of her wildest dreams to whom she is engaged.
Ah, I love happy endings. Mine will come, maybe not right way, but it will.
Here's the video to "The Origins of Love" ... watch the animation ... you'll love it, I know you will.
Twittering
Although I just said a couple of days ago that I’m kind of over twitter, I figured out how to make my profile private and end the fishbowl effect. And now, I’m fascinated by twitter. I don’t have the best updates to contribute … my life is pretty mundane, as you know … but I really enjoy following and reading the tweets of random people, the majority of which I don’t even know. From news sources, the latest and greatest info, even doctors are getting in on the fun. There’s this one guy named Foodimentary who posts the most interesting food-related facts – I always learn so much great info from him.
And now, this great piece of advice from MrsKutcher, aka Demi Moore:
Always focus on the positive but never run from the negative it just might be the gift you have been needing to change your life!
Well put, MrsKutcher! It’s a good reminder that we have to FEEL life … we can’t run from life, we can’t not experience the highs and lows, we have to be present and accept the lessons that are coming to us. I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
And now, this great piece of advice from MrsKutcher, aka Demi Moore:
Always focus on the positive but never run from the negative it just might be the gift you have been needing to change your life!
Well put, MrsKutcher! It’s a good reminder that we have to FEEL life … we can’t run from life, we can’t not experience the highs and lows, we have to be present and accept the lessons that are coming to us. I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
Ok, maybe I am jealous
During my formative years in the hamlet in the North Bay, I spent a lot of time hanging out with a certain friend of my mom and her son, who was one year younger than me. My mom’s friend had a Costco and Price Club (this is before they merged!) membership and although my mom eventually got their own, they used to go shopping together. She and her husband owned a gas station and would load up on convenience store supplies, and my mom would get stuff for her and my dad’s medical office.
The boy and I were playmates … we used to read books together, pick out stuff to buy at Costco together, chit chat about whatever, and he told me that if I scratched my moles hard enough, they would disappear. One of mine kind of did.
You’re going to laugh at this part, but even back then I was wedding-obsessed. A few weekends ago I was rifling through some of my photo albums and came up on a piece of paper that I had sectioned off into quadrants and drew a wedding sequence in each corner. A bride and a groom dancing, getting married, etc…. I had drawn it during one of the Costco/Price Club trips and I remember the boy finding it, laughing at me, and me becoming extremely embarrassed.
Our moms had a falling out for a while over something silly, and we never became buddies again. I saw him maybe once or twice during our teen years and we all moved on … and then I saw some pictures of him on FB with his new bride.
He’s a dentist, she’s in finance, and they got married in an amazing location in San Francisco … from the pictures, it was beyond out of control amazing. I mean, just spectacular. The kind of wedding I wish I could have had and may never have….
In comparison to the weddings of my friends, mine was so unbelievably horrible. Just like when I had my son and had NO clue about what baby things to buy, and now I look back and which I could re-register as my more knowledgeable self, I think back on my slapdash elopement and think how unbelievably amateur mine was.
Yes, it was definitely an elopement, very much private, but I wore a freaking 3 piece BLACK outfit for pete’s sake! IT WAS ON A FISHING BOAT! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! There was no cake, no party, no nothing. Not even real rings – just a cheapie $14 cz that made my finger break out in hives.
Well, I guess there is a silver lining to everything … my marriage was just as bad as my wedding, and at least I don’t have to look back and think, what a waste of money! It was a learning experience, and the next time I’ll not only have a beautiful wedding, but I’ll have a truly meaningful marriage, and that’s what it’s all about.
I did do one thing right … I ordered a beautiful bouquet and I was so proud of it. After the wedding, I dried it and kept it and intended to keep it for any future children. When Bozo left the first time, it was the first thing I got rid of.
The boy and I were playmates … we used to read books together, pick out stuff to buy at Costco together, chit chat about whatever, and he told me that if I scratched my moles hard enough, they would disappear. One of mine kind of did.
You’re going to laugh at this part, but even back then I was wedding-obsessed. A few weekends ago I was rifling through some of my photo albums and came up on a piece of paper that I had sectioned off into quadrants and drew a wedding sequence in each corner. A bride and a groom dancing, getting married, etc…. I had drawn it during one of the Costco/Price Club trips and I remember the boy finding it, laughing at me, and me becoming extremely embarrassed.
Our moms had a falling out for a while over something silly, and we never became buddies again. I saw him maybe once or twice during our teen years and we all moved on … and then I saw some pictures of him on FB with his new bride.
He’s a dentist, she’s in finance, and they got married in an amazing location in San Francisco … from the pictures, it was beyond out of control amazing. I mean, just spectacular. The kind of wedding I wish I could have had and may never have….
In comparison to the weddings of my friends, mine was so unbelievably horrible. Just like when I had my son and had NO clue about what baby things to buy, and now I look back and which I could re-register as my more knowledgeable self, I think back on my slapdash elopement and think how unbelievably amateur mine was.
Yes, it was definitely an elopement, very much private, but I wore a freaking 3 piece BLACK outfit for pete’s sake! IT WAS ON A FISHING BOAT! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! There was no cake, no party, no nothing. Not even real rings – just a cheapie $14 cz that made my finger break out in hives.
Well, I guess there is a silver lining to everything … my marriage was just as bad as my wedding, and at least I don’t have to look back and think, what a waste of money! It was a learning experience, and the next time I’ll not only have a beautiful wedding, but I’ll have a truly meaningful marriage, and that’s what it’s all about.
I did do one thing right … I ordered a beautiful bouquet and I was so proud of it. After the wedding, I dried it and kept it and intended to keep it for any future children. When Bozo left the first time, it was the first thing I got rid of.
A nice message from the universe this morning
Dreams are like that, anonmom... Most of the time you don't even know how close you are, until after they've come true.Sometimes, even, the very day before they come true, it still feels like they're a million miles away. Something to remember.
Tallyho, The Universe
Tallyho, The Universe
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Freeeeeeeeeeeeeedom ...it's such a good thing
Albeit a bit disruptive, the hubub of this past Monday when Bozo and I spent some time together with the baby, it was an excellent reminder of how far I've come and how wonderful it is to be divorced from Bozo.
There are more than a couple of reasons why, but most of all, it's because I am not in his general presence, under his general criticism, and I don't have to be nervous about reading a damn book to my kid.
Reading is extremely important to me as a mother -- I've been reading 5-10 books per night to him since he was very teensy tiny, and as a result, I've created a little bookworm. Definitely up there in the greatest accomplishments arena.
Languages are very important to my ex, and since according to him I was a massive failure who couldn't teach our child my "mother tongue", I had to read him Spanish books and let him watch spanish videos and tv.
Ugh. Not to say I don't think Spanish isn't important -- it is and now my son really does understand a lot of Spanish words, which is pretty darned cool -- but I am not a fluent speaker and I can't always pronounce things the right way.
Unfortunate for me because Bozo has been in school for the last 5 zillion years as a linguistics major. He tells people that he speaks 17 languages (false, he speaks maybe 5, not all fluently, reads a few more) and is very serious about being a linguist, hence part of the reason he went to lebanon early in our marriage -- to become a fluent arabic speaker.
Part of the reason he answered my yahoo's personal ad in the first place is because I listed the middle eastern country I came from. I never flat out said I did or didn't speak the language, but when he found out I didn't he had the chance to walk away, but he didn't. It ended up making my life a living hell, what with his demands I learn the language, make friends with people I didn't really have anything in common with because they learned the language, and his constant goading me about being hit on all the time by speakers of the language.
As a result of all those lessons, all the money spent, and all the torment, I don't give a flying rats ass about it, maybe even less than before I met my ex. So, there.
Anyway, to my point ... when we were together, he was hypercritical about my Spanish pronunciation ... always criticising me, even picking on my pronunciation of English. So what if I prounounce a couple of words funny ... comes from having first generation immigrant parents. Everyone understands me *perfectly fine* ... so there!
The problem with all of his criticism is that it left me constantly scared to say or do anyting around him, lest I fuel the "you can't do anything right" flames. Never mind that I was the one providing for our family, I couldn't pronounce things right and it made me the devil. Complete with horns!
It's been a great year of not having to be around that ... and then I was reminded of the horrors of it all on Monday, when the baby hands me a Spanish-language book and demands I read it to him in front of his dad ... and all the nervousness rushed back. I started reading it, and bam, there it was ... criticism after less than a sentence ... I couldn't get through the first page because I became super scared and nervous all over again.
Yikes.
So, so, so, so, so happy for my freedom.
There are more than a couple of reasons why, but most of all, it's because I am not in his general presence, under his general criticism, and I don't have to be nervous about reading a damn book to my kid.
Reading is extremely important to me as a mother -- I've been reading 5-10 books per night to him since he was very teensy tiny, and as a result, I've created a little bookworm. Definitely up there in the greatest accomplishments arena.
Languages are very important to my ex, and since according to him I was a massive failure who couldn't teach our child my "mother tongue", I had to read him Spanish books and let him watch spanish videos and tv.
Ugh. Not to say I don't think Spanish isn't important -- it is and now my son really does understand a lot of Spanish words, which is pretty darned cool -- but I am not a fluent speaker and I can't always pronounce things the right way.
Unfortunate for me because Bozo has been in school for the last 5 zillion years as a linguistics major. He tells people that he speaks 17 languages (false, he speaks maybe 5, not all fluently, reads a few more) and is very serious about being a linguist, hence part of the reason he went to lebanon early in our marriage -- to become a fluent arabic speaker.
Part of the reason he answered my yahoo's personal ad in the first place is because I listed the middle eastern country I came from. I never flat out said I did or didn't speak the language, but when he found out I didn't he had the chance to walk away, but he didn't. It ended up making my life a living hell, what with his demands I learn the language, make friends with people I didn't really have anything in common with because they learned the language, and his constant goading me about being hit on all the time by speakers of the language.
As a result of all those lessons, all the money spent, and all the torment, I don't give a flying rats ass about it, maybe even less than before I met my ex. So, there.
Anyway, to my point ... when we were together, he was hypercritical about my Spanish pronunciation ... always criticising me, even picking on my pronunciation of English. So what if I prounounce a couple of words funny ... comes from having first generation immigrant parents. Everyone understands me *perfectly fine* ... so there!
The problem with all of his criticism is that it left me constantly scared to say or do anyting around him, lest I fuel the "you can't do anything right" flames. Never mind that I was the one providing for our family, I couldn't pronounce things right and it made me the devil. Complete with horns!
It's been a great year of not having to be around that ... and then I was reminded of the horrors of it all on Monday, when the baby hands me a Spanish-language book and demands I read it to him in front of his dad ... and all the nervousness rushed back. I started reading it, and bam, there it was ... criticism after less than a sentence ... I couldn't get through the first page because I became super scared and nervous all over again.
Yikes.
So, so, so, so, so happy for my freedom.
We all have a plan
Due to my raging Facebook obsession, I've been spending a lot of time looking at the wedding photos of one of my childhood friends. I've talked about her before - she's the daughter of my mom's college classmate and got married in a somewhat rushed style ... meet guy at religious conference, talk online, decided to get married, get married ... all in less than a year.
Her wedding was BEAUTIFUL ... she was a beautiful, radiant bride marrying the handsome man of her dreams. She's a counselor, he's an optometrist, they're living in a low cost-of-living state now ... damn, that girl has it made.
Although I AM thrilled for her, really, I am, deep inside I'm feeling a tinge of not jealousy, but sadness. Why did I have to do it the hard way? Why did I have to go with reckless behavior and run off with Bozo, a man who had nothing going for him then or now? Why couldn't I have had a beautiful wedding to a man who was head over heels for me?
When I got married, it was quite the scandal amongst my parent's friends. Did I have a big wedding, they wanted to know? Did I have a big house? Was my husband very successful?
The answer to those questions and more is a resounding NO, and I continue to struggle and scrape along in life and continue to wonder if I'll ever get any of those things ... will I still be scrimping and pinching 5 years from now? 10 years from now?
I sure as hell hope not. But I do have hope ... lots of it. Just call me Pandora. ;)
Her wedding was BEAUTIFUL ... she was a beautiful, radiant bride marrying the handsome man of her dreams. She's a counselor, he's an optometrist, they're living in a low cost-of-living state now ... damn, that girl has it made.
Although I AM thrilled for her, really, I am, deep inside I'm feeling a tinge of not jealousy, but sadness. Why did I have to do it the hard way? Why did I have to go with reckless behavior and run off with Bozo, a man who had nothing going for him then or now? Why couldn't I have had a beautiful wedding to a man who was head over heels for me?
When I got married, it was quite the scandal amongst my parent's friends. Did I have a big wedding, they wanted to know? Did I have a big house? Was my husband very successful?
The answer to those questions and more is a resounding NO, and I continue to struggle and scrape along in life and continue to wonder if I'll ever get any of those things ... will I still be scrimping and pinching 5 years from now? 10 years from now?
I sure as hell hope not. But I do have hope ... lots of it. Just call me Pandora. ;)
Out with the old ...
This past Sunday, when I was taking the little guy on our morning walk to the nearby shopping center, I came upon an inconceivable sight.
I mean, it just left me AGHAST ... I couldn't believe what I was seeing at the grocery store. It was a mother with an 8 month, or so, old dressed to the NINES. Well, not really, but she was wearing cute jeans, a cute top, boots with a heel, hair and makeup did, and a really cute purse/diaper bag combo. And she wasn't one of those Real Housewives of Orange County types, where you think ...hah, so fake! No, she was someone I could imagine being, just all casually dressed up, whereas I was pushing the baby along in sweats, sneakers, misshapen cardigan, and hair a total birds nest.
Granted, I WAS on a walk, but the whole thing was very throught provoking .. I mean, why am I selling myself short on myself? Why don't I make an effort more often instead of just letting it BE. Not that theres anything wrong with that, but it's generally agreed upon that getting dressed up does marvels for your self-esteem, and Lord knows I need help in that category.
Change your style, change your life? When my ex left the first time, I had to wear all-black for work, but started wearing color during my off times. He had forbidden me to wear color since, as he said, it made me look extra lumpy.
When I was lisng my big chunk of weight during the separation and preparing to leave Smack Cosmetics, I not only embraced color, but I started wearing high heels, which I'd always been afraid of before.
The day I left Smack, I took my "uniform" of black capris and black aerosole sandals that I wore every day (because I really did not care) and left them in the middle of a parking lot. That felt great.
And now, as I'm approaching a year of being a single mom, I think I'm ready to take off my frumpy weekend clothes ... stop wearing flip flops or sneakers all the time, wear makeup more often on the weekends, keep the elastic at home.
I think it's time.
I mean, it just left me AGHAST ... I couldn't believe what I was seeing at the grocery store. It was a mother with an 8 month, or so, old dressed to the NINES. Well, not really, but she was wearing cute jeans, a cute top, boots with a heel, hair and makeup did, and a really cute purse/diaper bag combo. And she wasn't one of those Real Housewives of Orange County types, where you think ...hah, so fake! No, she was someone I could imagine being, just all casually dressed up, whereas I was pushing the baby along in sweats, sneakers, misshapen cardigan, and hair a total birds nest.
Granted, I WAS on a walk, but the whole thing was very throught provoking .. I mean, why am I selling myself short on myself? Why don't I make an effort more often instead of just letting it BE. Not that theres anything wrong with that, but it's generally agreed upon that getting dressed up does marvels for your self-esteem, and Lord knows I need help in that category.
Change your style, change your life? When my ex left the first time, I had to wear all-black for work, but started wearing color during my off times. He had forbidden me to wear color since, as he said, it made me look extra lumpy.
When I was lisng my big chunk of weight during the separation and preparing to leave Smack Cosmetics, I not only embraced color, but I started wearing high heels, which I'd always been afraid of before.
The day I left Smack, I took my "uniform" of black capris and black aerosole sandals that I wore every day (because I really did not care) and left them in the middle of a parking lot. That felt great.
And now, as I'm approaching a year of being a single mom, I think I'm ready to take off my frumpy weekend clothes ... stop wearing flip flops or sneakers all the time, wear makeup more often on the weekends, keep the elastic at home.
I think it's time.
Struggling
Lately I've been finding myself struggling for motivation in my daily life. Is it a side-effect of a failing anti-depressant? Is it my exhaustion? Is it just plain boredom?
I'm not sure, but I do know that when it's up to you to be in charge of everything and everyone in your world and you don't have a real life sounding board, it's truly a challenge to stay on top of your level of motivation.
Truly, I am extremely thankful for my online friends, for this blog, and for the feedback I get that keeps me on my toes.
In "The Road Less Traveled", the author talks about discipline, and how having it is essential, which is something I am struggling with, now and always. When Bozo left me the first time around, I crumbled into an unmotivated mess, allowed my house to be infested by roaches, left dishes piling up in the sink for months, and by the time I regained my will to exist, I literally had to throw most of my life out and start over again, similar to the way I threw all of his belongings out of the door.
Now, as a mom, I have been embracing discipline more and more and more, and I guess it took becoming a single parent for the lessons on this to be drummed into my head. I'm gettng better all the time.
Except in some arenas, where my lack of interest is all too apparent. Can you guess where that is?
Hmmmm.... so, how to regain the interest? What jedi mind tricks can I use to keep me going ... it's something I'll be pondering for a while.
I'm not sure, but I do know that when it's up to you to be in charge of everything and everyone in your world and you don't have a real life sounding board, it's truly a challenge to stay on top of your level of motivation.
Truly, I am extremely thankful for my online friends, for this blog, and for the feedback I get that keeps me on my toes.
In "The Road Less Traveled", the author talks about discipline, and how having it is essential, which is something I am struggling with, now and always. When Bozo left me the first time around, I crumbled into an unmotivated mess, allowed my house to be infested by roaches, left dishes piling up in the sink for months, and by the time I regained my will to exist, I literally had to throw most of my life out and start over again, similar to the way I threw all of his belongings out of the door.
Now, as a mom, I have been embracing discipline more and more and more, and I guess it took becoming a single parent for the lessons on this to be drummed into my head. I'm gettng better all the time.
Except in some arenas, where my lack of interest is all too apparent. Can you guess where that is?
Hmmmm.... so, how to regain the interest? What jedi mind tricks can I use to keep me going ... it's something I'll be pondering for a while.
My daily message from the universe, pt 2
So right on, that I had to share ... and make your way to Tut.com to sign up for their daily emails!
When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, anonmom, and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge.And you so can. ILY, The Universe
When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, anonmom, and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge.And you so can. ILY, The Universe
Sleep is a good thing
As you can tell from the post from the wee early morning, I took advantage of my exhaustion and sickness to get a decent nights sleep for once. Interruption aside, I slept for a good 7 hours, woke up and took a full on shower (I even washed my hair!!!), and feel so much better and refreshed.
One of the perks of my job is that I receive tons of consumer beauty magazines -- Allure, InStyle, Glamour, O, Vogue, Bazaar, etc .... It's one great thing about being in the magazine business and I do have a valid excuse for reading them throughout the day. I really AM doing research! LOL ...
In this months Glamour, there's an interesting article about the sleep diet -- sticking to a consistent sleep schedule helps your body to lose weight by reducing cortisol/stress levels.
Now, about a year ago when I was just separated from Bozo and so frustrated about not losing any weight despite being exclusively low-carb, I went to get a full bloodwork done to see if anything was amiss with my thyroid or cortisol levels. The results ... everything was fine, which was ENTIRELY frustrating to me, since I know SOMETHING had to be up.
It might not show up in blood tests, maybe that's just how I am, but I do know that when I get more sleep, I am generally a happier person. I do make all kinds of excuses as to why I don't get enough sleep now, and most of that is legitimate -- I do have to clean, to cook, to do basic stuff around the house.
However, when it's 2 am and I'm staring into space for several minutes at a time, something has to change.
My goal in the next few weeks is to go to sleep before midnight. Seems like a tall order, but as run down as I am, I HAVE to do it. Nothing feels as good as refreshed does.
One of the perks of my job is that I receive tons of consumer beauty magazines -- Allure, InStyle, Glamour, O, Vogue, Bazaar, etc .... It's one great thing about being in the magazine business and I do have a valid excuse for reading them throughout the day. I really AM doing research! LOL ...
In this months Glamour, there's an interesting article about the sleep diet -- sticking to a consistent sleep schedule helps your body to lose weight by reducing cortisol/stress levels.
Now, about a year ago when I was just separated from Bozo and so frustrated about not losing any weight despite being exclusively low-carb, I went to get a full bloodwork done to see if anything was amiss with my thyroid or cortisol levels. The results ... everything was fine, which was ENTIRELY frustrating to me, since I know SOMETHING had to be up.
It might not show up in blood tests, maybe that's just how I am, but I do know that when I get more sleep, I am generally a happier person. I do make all kinds of excuses as to why I don't get enough sleep now, and most of that is legitimate -- I do have to clean, to cook, to do basic stuff around the house.
However, when it's 2 am and I'm staring into space for several minutes at a time, something has to change.
My goal in the next few weeks is to go to sleep before midnight. Seems like a tall order, but as run down as I am, I HAVE to do it. Nothing feels as good as refreshed does.
1 am
Don't worry, not another one of those all nighters. Fell asleep with the baby around 9 pm, and need to take a shower, otherwise going back to bed. I'm going with the flow on this one. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Now THIS is what I call living ...
It's 7 pm, tomorrow's meal and the week's lunches are in the crock pot, baby's been fed, and I'm relaxed.
Doesn't usually happen this way ... Tuesday is the one night my ex watches the baby and instead of lingering at my exMILs while she feeds us dinner (because who am I to say no to free food?) until 7 pm, I am home before 6 pm and feel like a "normal" mom enjoying the evening with her son.
I may even get to bed before midnight. Fancy that!
Doesn't usually happen this way ... Tuesday is the one night my ex watches the baby and instead of lingering at my exMILs while she feeds us dinner (because who am I to say no to free food?) until 7 pm, I am home before 6 pm and feel like a "normal" mom enjoying the evening with her son.
I may even get to bed before midnight. Fancy that!
Off and running!
My second blog is off and running! No worries, I won't be abandoning this blog anytime soon ... in fact, there are some very special anniversary posts coming in the next few days, so keep your eyes open for them!
As for this new blog, I think it will a great chance for me to address some issues in my life, become a little more creative, and maybe meet some new friends in the process. :)
As for this new blog, I think it will a great chance for me to address some issues in my life, become a little more creative, and maybe meet some new friends in the process. :)
Bathroom Brilliancy
Excuse the silliness of that title, but I just had the most brilliant idea while on a bathroom break at work!
Oh, I am so excited about it -- it's going to be a public blog about my experiences as an Americanized (read: whitewashed) person of my ethnic background, in which I will detail my life as a mom trying to raise my son with knowledge of his own background. There will be cooking photos, life photos, etc....
Woo hoo! I have a tentative name and I can't wait to get started!
Oh, I am so excited about it -- it's going to be a public blog about my experiences as an Americanized (read: whitewashed) person of my ethnic background, in which I will detail my life as a mom trying to raise my son with knowledge of his own background. There will be cooking photos, life photos, etc....
Woo hoo! I have a tentative name and I can't wait to get started!
Tuesday that feels like Monday
Ever since I’ve picked up the Carolyn Myss book I’d been procrastinating reading for so long, I want to be mad at myself for not reading it earlier, because it is exactly what I need to read right now. It’s so perfect for me and every time I pick it up, I want to shake the book in excitement and share it with the world, because it really is extremely insightful, has a gem of wisdom on every single sentence, and is helping me change my thoughts and move forward with certain things relating to my relationship with Bozo and my life as a single mom.
Last night, at 3 am (yikes, I need help) I was thinking about things as I tend to do late at night, I had a profound thought that I was going to blog about and yet forgot in all the hustle and bustle of the morning rush and being worried about a few things on my burner.
That’s life.
One thing I do remember is a realization I had when I was pregnant – it came to me very suddenly and yet I knew it was true, that becoming a mother was fulfilling my purpose in life. All the rest of my life beforehand, all the running around with no solid goal in sight, all of that was building up to the moment I gave birth, because I could finally “see” that there was something very great to life and aspire to.
At the time, I didn’t realize that there was yet another destiny to be fulfilled, yet another purpose I didn’t see coming … my life as a single mom. This is what I’m here for. ‘
When I was pregnant, and still with Bozo, my intuitive friend said to me, upon hearing that I was expecting a boy, “It takes a strong woman to raise a boy.” Boy, oh boy, was she right. I
At the moment, I have a gigantic worry on my plate. Enormous. It’s something I’m not sure how to deal with, but I’ll figure it out, as I do with everything, and it will all be ok in the end.
That’s life.
[15 minutes later]Oh, ok, I remember my profound thought now … it was on Bozo’s BS … you know, as much as he is saying he cares for me, I can’t help but think the direct translation for that is “I’m horny”. Despite everything, it’s not going to work this time around, because it was pounded into my head that the only thing he “cares” about is him self. When we’d broken up the first time and he left the country to get away from me, my intuitive friend helped me respond to one of his emails where he tried to tippy toe back into my life. The email he’d sent to me was full of “I, I, I, me, me, me”. My ex, like the octomom, is a classic “me me”, a typical Southern California psychosis. It goes along with the sunshine, trust.
He pulled the same exact thing yesterday … in the entire conversation leading up to our argument, it was all “I, I, I, me, me, me”. Seriously, Bozo, get over yourself.
When we were right about to breakup for good last year, I finally stymied him during a fight. For once, he couldn’t respond to my questions, couldn’t come up with an answer. My question? Very simple – what’s my favorite book.
He had no idea.
Again, that’s life.
Last night, at 3 am (yikes, I need help) I was thinking about things as I tend to do late at night, I had a profound thought that I was going to blog about and yet forgot in all the hustle and bustle of the morning rush and being worried about a few things on my burner.
That’s life.
One thing I do remember is a realization I had when I was pregnant – it came to me very suddenly and yet I knew it was true, that becoming a mother was fulfilling my purpose in life. All the rest of my life beforehand, all the running around with no solid goal in sight, all of that was building up to the moment I gave birth, because I could finally “see” that there was something very great to life and aspire to.
At the time, I didn’t realize that there was yet another destiny to be fulfilled, yet another purpose I didn’t see coming … my life as a single mom. This is what I’m here for. ‘
When I was pregnant, and still with Bozo, my intuitive friend said to me, upon hearing that I was expecting a boy, “It takes a strong woman to raise a boy.” Boy, oh boy, was she right. I
At the moment, I have a gigantic worry on my plate. Enormous. It’s something I’m not sure how to deal with, but I’ll figure it out, as I do with everything, and it will all be ok in the end.
That’s life.
[15 minutes later]Oh, ok, I remember my profound thought now … it was on Bozo’s BS … you know, as much as he is saying he cares for me, I can’t help but think the direct translation for that is “I’m horny”. Despite everything, it’s not going to work this time around, because it was pounded into my head that the only thing he “cares” about is him self. When we’d broken up the first time and he left the country to get away from me, my intuitive friend helped me respond to one of his emails where he tried to tippy toe back into my life. The email he’d sent to me was full of “I, I, I, me, me, me”. My ex, like the octomom, is a classic “me me”, a typical Southern California psychosis. It goes along with the sunshine, trust.
He pulled the same exact thing yesterday … in the entire conversation leading up to our argument, it was all “I, I, I, me, me, me”. Seriously, Bozo, get over yourself.
When we were right about to breakup for good last year, I finally stymied him during a fight. For once, he couldn’t respond to my questions, couldn’t come up with an answer. My question? Very simple – what’s my favorite book.
He had no idea.
Again, that’s life.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Blame it on the moon, yeah, yeah
I finally realized what it is that was making Bozo act all kinds of nutty today ... there was a full-moon recently, and in my time of knowing him, I've noticed he acts all kinds of strange in the days preceeding and following a full moon. He is part werewolf.
While I was busy pureeing and storing the last of the Halloween pumpkins (long story, I blame it all on The Pioneer Woman) this afternoon, I got an inkling that it must be "that" time of the month for my ex, how else to explain it?
He'd also mentioned that he visited one of his best friends this weekend, a friend who he grew up with and who has 3 boys under the age of 5. How he and his wife manage it, I don't know, especially considering he works day shifts, she works nights, and those boys never go to sleep before midnight.
I feel like I'm getting an inkling of that tonight, because it's 11:15 pm and a certain toddler has decided that sleep is so last night. Argh. I've presently decided that I don't care that he's gotten into the clean laundry pile and is wearing my underwear as a hat. I need a break from the fashion show, thus the blogging.
Later in the afternoon, I'd gone to the dollar store, to the gym (finally), and I was walking around the track when I got this text message from him: "It's better for the baby if we are on better terms so he doesn't grow up with issues. Plus, I really care about you."
After a second, I realized he was trying to say I'M at fault for possibly scarring our child for life, and my instinct to overreact came into overdrive, but then all of a sudden it hit me ... this is just bullshit. Total bullshit, and I should just walk away.
For one, the man is completely ridiculous ... who the hell does he think he is now? Dr. Phil? What qualifies him for his great fatherly insights? The fact that he made a brief visit with 3 rowdy boys, he probably charmed them with singing and dancing, and suddenly he's father of the year?
AAAARRGH.
The point of the matter is that he has no idea what the hell is really going on in life ... I'm not tired, frustrated of dealing with him, and basically over it, I'm ANGRY, according to him, and this ANGER that I hold is what's going to ruin the baby's life. Never mind that he is a complete nincompoop, in his mind, I'm the party pooper who will turn our son into a nut job.
Just like everything else in his life, he'll get over this and move on with his life, move on to work on the book that was supposed to make him a millionaire two years ago, and now the "independent film" that needs a world class makeup artist.
Like a wise single mom said in a comment on my last post, silence is golden.
And so it will be.
While I was busy pureeing and storing the last of the Halloween pumpkins (long story, I blame it all on The Pioneer Woman) this afternoon, I got an inkling that it must be "that" time of the month for my ex, how else to explain it?
He'd also mentioned that he visited one of his best friends this weekend, a friend who he grew up with and who has 3 boys under the age of 5. How he and his wife manage it, I don't know, especially considering he works day shifts, she works nights, and those boys never go to sleep before midnight.
I feel like I'm getting an inkling of that tonight, because it's 11:15 pm and a certain toddler has decided that sleep is so last night. Argh. I've presently decided that I don't care that he's gotten into the clean laundry pile and is wearing my underwear as a hat. I need a break from the fashion show, thus the blogging.
Later in the afternoon, I'd gone to the dollar store, to the gym (finally), and I was walking around the track when I got this text message from him: "It's better for the baby if we are on better terms so he doesn't grow up with issues. Plus, I really care about you."
After a second, I realized he was trying to say I'M at fault for possibly scarring our child for life, and my instinct to overreact came into overdrive, but then all of a sudden it hit me ... this is just bullshit. Total bullshit, and I should just walk away.
For one, the man is completely ridiculous ... who the hell does he think he is now? Dr. Phil? What qualifies him for his great fatherly insights? The fact that he made a brief visit with 3 rowdy boys, he probably charmed them with singing and dancing, and suddenly he's father of the year?
AAAARRGH.
The point of the matter is that he has no idea what the hell is really going on in life ... I'm not tired, frustrated of dealing with him, and basically over it, I'm ANGRY, according to him, and this ANGER that I hold is what's going to ruin the baby's life. Never mind that he is a complete nincompoop, in his mind, I'm the party pooper who will turn our son into a nut job.
Just like everything else in his life, he'll get over this and move on with his life, move on to work on the book that was supposed to make him a millionaire two years ago, and now the "independent film" that needs a world class makeup artist.
Like a wise single mom said in a comment on my last post, silence is golden.
And so it will be.
Texts from Bozo
To continue on this afternoon's fight ...
Text 1: I really wish we could be on better terms.
Thirty minutes go by ....
Text 2: I really care about you & it worries me when I see you angry.
My internal response: And the reason I'm "angry" (which I'm not) is????
My actual response: We cannot be around each other.
If there's anything my ex is, it's selfish.
Text 1: I really wish we could be on better terms.
Thirty minutes go by ....
Text 2: I really care about you & it worries me when I see you angry.
My internal response: And the reason I'm "angry" (which I'm not) is????
My actual response: We cannot be around each other.
If there's anything my ex is, it's selfish.
Ok, maybe I COULD have handled this one better
Bozo, Bozo, Bozo.
Oh, Bozo, Bozo, Bozo.
Why must you be in my life for infinity? Why? Did I do something karmically horrible in a previous lifetime that is causing me to be plagued by your infinite stupidity for most of this lifetime?
The fact that I do and will have to deal with him for many years to come is something I've decided I need to seek therapy for ... if only to learn coping skills and have better reactions to his stupidity, not for my sake, but for the baby's sake. You'll see why in a bit.
So, today's President's day and I enjoyed a very lazy morning with the baby at home. Around lunch/nap time, I packed him up, made it through the rain to the car, and off to exMILs house, so he could nap there and I could go to the gym. Bozo was there, surprisingly, in his jammies, even though he DOES have a place of his own. Mama's boy.
The baby is VERY clingly to me these days and very territorial. He pushed his dad away as soon as he came to give him a hug, which I will admit made me a little glad. Heh heh heh ... mommy always wins. Given his clinginess and the fact that he started to cry as soon as I was anywhere near a door (awww), I stuck around with exMIL and Bozo until the baby wound down a bit.
The first thing Bozo said was, "Well, I finally caved and got a Facebook!"
Like I'm dying to friend him on Facebook. I did check out his image right now and it makes him look even more like a Bozo than ever.
Then, as we were watching something on TV with the baby, he started slipping into his more comfortable conversation habits with me ... purely annoying, self-centered, and completely inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings but his own, during which he threw out several non-sequiturs, such as, "We should have named the baby Gilbert Gottfried."
Yeah, I know.
I managed to stay quiet and focus on the baby until he started asking me if I kept in contact with any of my former Smack Cosmetics co-workers, because a play he wrote is going to be turned into an independent film, didn't I remember, I had to remember, didn't I?
Me: I don't know anyone, leave me alone.
Him: What do you mean, you have to have someone's card.
Me: No I don't, stop it.
Him: Come on, why won't you tell me? It has to be someone good at doing someone's makeup. You know all those guys who turned themselves into girls.
Me: I don't want to get involved in this conversation, leave me alone.
Him: Why not? Why are you so angry (note: his favorite accusation to hurl at me)? You're just SO angry.
Me: Bozo, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until exMIL stepped in and told him to leave me alone, and I took the chance to slip out while the baby was watching something.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.
The thing is, I'm not the angry person he accuses me of being. I am so happy with my life, you all know this. The thing is, I'm just f-ing tired of having to deal with him and really don't have any good ways of responding to him and getting him to leave me the hell alone.
He doesn't *get* that there are people in this world that don't find him amusing, or clever, and actually, he is pretty pathetic and not funny or amusing, or clever. He's stuck in this perpetual adolescence, and it did occur to me that I have to deal with him and talk to him like I talk to my toddler, but the big difference is that my toddler accepts that I have some authority over him, whereas with my ex he will forever be in the right and will never accept that I don't think he is at all.
It's just frustrating. Maybe I don't need therapy, but I do need a support group of how to deal with my ex. Does anyone have any suggestions? I find myself reverting to my insecure self around him, getting increasingly angry, raising my voice, and although the baby did not notice any of it today, he will evenutally be caught in the crossfire, and that is what I want to avoid as much as possible.
The good news is that after exMILs intervention, Bozo went to his room and closed the door, and I snuck out. I'm a little sick and tired, so I headed over to In 'n Out for the first time in months (the only fast food place I will ever eat, btw), got a double double animal/protein style (that's lettuce wrapped with fried onions and pickles - with the thousand island sauce it's phenomenal) cheeseburger, fries, and a soda, and took it to my very own home, where I enjoyed it sitting in my very own table in my very own kitchen.
I love being divorced.
Oh, Bozo, Bozo, Bozo.
Why must you be in my life for infinity? Why? Did I do something karmically horrible in a previous lifetime that is causing me to be plagued by your infinite stupidity for most of this lifetime?
The fact that I do and will have to deal with him for many years to come is something I've decided I need to seek therapy for ... if only to learn coping skills and have better reactions to his stupidity, not for my sake, but for the baby's sake. You'll see why in a bit.
So, today's President's day and I enjoyed a very lazy morning with the baby at home. Around lunch/nap time, I packed him up, made it through the rain to the car, and off to exMILs house, so he could nap there and I could go to the gym. Bozo was there, surprisingly, in his jammies, even though he DOES have a place of his own. Mama's boy.
The baby is VERY clingly to me these days and very territorial. He pushed his dad away as soon as he came to give him a hug, which I will admit made me a little glad. Heh heh heh ... mommy always wins. Given his clinginess and the fact that he started to cry as soon as I was anywhere near a door (awww), I stuck around with exMIL and Bozo until the baby wound down a bit.
The first thing Bozo said was, "Well, I finally caved and got a Facebook!"
Like I'm dying to friend him on Facebook. I did check out his image right now and it makes him look even more like a Bozo than ever.
Then, as we were watching something on TV with the baby, he started slipping into his more comfortable conversation habits with me ... purely annoying, self-centered, and completely inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings but his own, during which he threw out several non-sequiturs, such as, "We should have named the baby Gilbert Gottfried."
Yeah, I know.
I managed to stay quiet and focus on the baby until he started asking me if I kept in contact with any of my former Smack Cosmetics co-workers, because a play he wrote is going to be turned into an independent film, didn't I remember, I had to remember, didn't I?
Me: I don't know anyone, leave me alone.
Him: What do you mean, you have to have someone's card.
Me: No I don't, stop it.
Him: Come on, why won't you tell me? It has to be someone good at doing someone's makeup. You know all those guys who turned themselves into girls.
Me: I don't want to get involved in this conversation, leave me alone.
Him: Why not? Why are you so angry (note: his favorite accusation to hurl at me)? You're just SO angry.
Me: Bozo, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until exMIL stepped in and told him to leave me alone, and I took the chance to slip out while the baby was watching something.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.
The thing is, I'm not the angry person he accuses me of being. I am so happy with my life, you all know this. The thing is, I'm just f-ing tired of having to deal with him and really don't have any good ways of responding to him and getting him to leave me the hell alone.
He doesn't *get* that there are people in this world that don't find him amusing, or clever, and actually, he is pretty pathetic and not funny or amusing, or clever. He's stuck in this perpetual adolescence, and it did occur to me that I have to deal with him and talk to him like I talk to my toddler, but the big difference is that my toddler accepts that I have some authority over him, whereas with my ex he will forever be in the right and will never accept that I don't think he is at all.
It's just frustrating. Maybe I don't need therapy, but I do need a support group of how to deal with my ex. Does anyone have any suggestions? I find myself reverting to my insecure self around him, getting increasingly angry, raising my voice, and although the baby did not notice any of it today, he will evenutally be caught in the crossfire, and that is what I want to avoid as much as possible.
The good news is that after exMILs intervention, Bozo went to his room and closed the door, and I snuck out. I'm a little sick and tired, so I headed over to In 'n Out for the first time in months (the only fast food place I will ever eat, btw), got a double double animal/protein style (that's lettuce wrapped with fried onions and pickles - with the thousand island sauce it's phenomenal) cheeseburger, fries, and a soda, and took it to my very own home, where I enjoyed it sitting in my very own table in my very own kitchen.
I love being divorced.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Oh, just give him the cupcake
No matter how well you get along with a person, you'll find yourself at odds with them at some point or another, I've learned in life.
So was it this evening with my exMIL, one of my nearest and dearest.
The baby is in a *terrible* mood right now -- he has a cold and has chosen to flex his unusually strong muscles very frequently over the last couple days to indicate his displeasure. Seriously, this kid is freaking he-man or something, because I am pretty strong and have a hard time just putting him in his high chair or car seat. Shoot, I need a spot sometimes when I'm trying to get control of him!
After our morning walk, we chilled at home and I ended up taking him to one of our favorite local parks which has a nice playground, botanical garden, and duck pond. It was just what the doctor ordered for his cabin fever and he had a grand old time until he refused to take no for an answer when I wouldn't let him go into the swampy area of the duck pond.
Oh, little boys! A few mommy tricks later, we finally got into the car, shared some Pinkberry (so cute, he sat next to me on a bench just like a big boy), and made our way to exMILs house for dinner.
He wasn't in the best mood, sick, and tired, and then he saw these cupcakes someone had brought over for Valentine's and then all hell broke loose. Literally. Hell. For me, mostly.
I was prepared to let him have some, but exMIL wasn't having it. So, after a few back and forths with the baby trying to get him to eat some mac n cheese, I gave up, packed everything up in the car, and headed home.
And then gave him a cupcake.
Sometimes, with kids, you just gotta indulge them, I think. He's a very good eater, he never eats fast food or junk food, and he's sick, so I don't blame him for wanting a treat.
That's the thing though about my exMIL - she plays life by a set of rules she decided on long ago, and that's the reason that I like her so much. It's certainly different than my loosey goosey family, where I didn't know what kind of anything to expect at any given time.
In the end, all is well, and since tomorrow is a rain day and I'm off for President's day, I'm taking the baby to her house and will take some time to go to the gym and lose myself on the treadmill and on my ipod.
In other motherly news, last night I was watching a dvd my mom had put together of film clips of the baby's first few months. I have very few video clips of his first few months, since I didn't have a video camera until then, and didn't take any lengthy clips on my point-and-shoot camera. I remember BEGGING Bozo to just go out and buy anything on the day the baby was born, but he wouldn't, and all I have are a couple of 30 second film clips, and from my mom some really jumpy clips of her filming herself holding the baby and making various poses trying to find her best angle, all while telling an hours old baby to open his eyes, repeatedly.
Seriously, mother!
I had to laugh while watching it because it is uncomfortable and unintentionally hilarious. And, my mom *really* could have included more than 15 seconds of me amongst the 10 minutes of her posing with the baby, 10 seconds of which my backside is exposed through the hospital gown. Ain't that my luck?
In Facebook news, my elementary school male BFF contacted me. I'd seen him on, but didn't add him because I wasn't sure if he'd remember me, despite the fact that we were inseparable for a few grades before moving on other schools and our lives. Funny, but I always claimed he was my first gay boyfriend, but apparently that's not the case and he is far from gay! Hah!
So was it this evening with my exMIL, one of my nearest and dearest.
The baby is in a *terrible* mood right now -- he has a cold and has chosen to flex his unusually strong muscles very frequently over the last couple days to indicate his displeasure. Seriously, this kid is freaking he-man or something, because I am pretty strong and have a hard time just putting him in his high chair or car seat. Shoot, I need a spot sometimes when I'm trying to get control of him!
After our morning walk, we chilled at home and I ended up taking him to one of our favorite local parks which has a nice playground, botanical garden, and duck pond. It was just what the doctor ordered for his cabin fever and he had a grand old time until he refused to take no for an answer when I wouldn't let him go into the swampy area of the duck pond.
Oh, little boys! A few mommy tricks later, we finally got into the car, shared some Pinkberry (so cute, he sat next to me on a bench just like a big boy), and made our way to exMILs house for dinner.
He wasn't in the best mood, sick, and tired, and then he saw these cupcakes someone had brought over for Valentine's and then all hell broke loose. Literally. Hell. For me, mostly.
I was prepared to let him have some, but exMIL wasn't having it. So, after a few back and forths with the baby trying to get him to eat some mac n cheese, I gave up, packed everything up in the car, and headed home.
And then gave him a cupcake.
Sometimes, with kids, you just gotta indulge them, I think. He's a very good eater, he never eats fast food or junk food, and he's sick, so I don't blame him for wanting a treat.
That's the thing though about my exMIL - she plays life by a set of rules she decided on long ago, and that's the reason that I like her so much. It's certainly different than my loosey goosey family, where I didn't know what kind of anything to expect at any given time.
In the end, all is well, and since tomorrow is a rain day and I'm off for President's day, I'm taking the baby to her house and will take some time to go to the gym and lose myself on the treadmill and on my ipod.
In other motherly news, last night I was watching a dvd my mom had put together of film clips of the baby's first few months. I have very few video clips of his first few months, since I didn't have a video camera until then, and didn't take any lengthy clips on my point-and-shoot camera. I remember BEGGING Bozo to just go out and buy anything on the day the baby was born, but he wouldn't, and all I have are a couple of 30 second film clips, and from my mom some really jumpy clips of her filming herself holding the baby and making various poses trying to find her best angle, all while telling an hours old baby to open his eyes, repeatedly.
Seriously, mother!
I had to laugh while watching it because it is uncomfortable and unintentionally hilarious. And, my mom *really* could have included more than 15 seconds of me amongst the 10 minutes of her posing with the baby, 10 seconds of which my backside is exposed through the hospital gown. Ain't that my luck?
In Facebook news, my elementary school male BFF contacted me. I'd seen him on, but didn't add him because I wasn't sure if he'd remember me, despite the fact that we were inseparable for a few grades before moving on other schools and our lives. Funny, but I always claimed he was my first gay boyfriend, but apparently that's not the case and he is far from gay! Hah!
Shaking it up
This morning, the baby and I did something we haven't done in months ... I loaded him up in the lovely jogging stroller, which is in dire need of tire inflation, and took him on a long, extended walk to the shopping center a couple miles away that has all kinds of cool stores, including a Whole Foods, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Trader Joe's.
It 's a walk I've taken many Sundays before, but haven't really had the time or good enough weather in a long, long time. And did I need it ... I've been feeling "heavy" in all senses of the word. Yes, I have been keeping up on the gym during the week, but I haven't had the chance to have a nice, long walk in ages, and I've been feeling the pressure all the way around. Like, my breathing is somewhat labored when I don't get out and about.
When Bozo and I first split up, I depended on that Sunday walk ... it was one of the few things that kept me sane. The baby could nap, I could cry, or talk on the phone and vent to someone, and then I would cheer myself up by window shopping in Bed Bath and Beyond and dream of all the cool household items that would perk up my dingy, depressing, cement box of an apartment.
It's good to have dreams.
You know, considering how much I just didn't care for anything except makeup for the longest time, my fascination with home items continues to astound me. Now, instead of flipping out over new lipgloss shades, I find myself salivating over cookware and china patterns. Who am I now, anyway?
It's also amazing to me that my one year emancipation from Bozo anniversary is coming up in mere days. I have two special posts in the works that I shed quite a few tears over last night. The fact that I've made it this year is something I am very proud of. I did it! I made it! And life is so much better now. The rain is gone, the clouds are far away, and I do see the light in front of me.
There are many battles left to face, but I've made it through the worst of it.
If that's not cause for celebration, I don't know what is. :)
It 's a walk I've taken many Sundays before, but haven't really had the time or good enough weather in a long, long time. And did I need it ... I've been feeling "heavy" in all senses of the word. Yes, I have been keeping up on the gym during the week, but I haven't had the chance to have a nice, long walk in ages, and I've been feeling the pressure all the way around. Like, my breathing is somewhat labored when I don't get out and about.
When Bozo and I first split up, I depended on that Sunday walk ... it was one of the few things that kept me sane. The baby could nap, I could cry, or talk on the phone and vent to someone, and then I would cheer myself up by window shopping in Bed Bath and Beyond and dream of all the cool household items that would perk up my dingy, depressing, cement box of an apartment.
It's good to have dreams.
You know, considering how much I just didn't care for anything except makeup for the longest time, my fascination with home items continues to astound me. Now, instead of flipping out over new lipgloss shades, I find myself salivating over cookware and china patterns. Who am I now, anyway?
It's also amazing to me that my one year emancipation from Bozo anniversary is coming up in mere days. I have two special posts in the works that I shed quite a few tears over last night. The fact that I've made it this year is something I am very proud of. I did it! I made it! And life is so much better now. The rain is gone, the clouds are far away, and I do see the light in front of me.
There are many battles left to face, but I've made it through the worst of it.
If that's not cause for celebration, I don't know what is. :)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
In the end ...
... it was a very good Valentine's Day.
Truth be told, I am pretty much at the end of my rope exhaustion wise, and the baby and I are both coming down with colds. Not fun. But, at the moment I've just had a couple of bowls of homemade french onion soup, sans bread, topped with delicious provolone, am sipping on some not-too-good white wine used in the soup from Trader Joe's, the baby went to sleep at a decent hour, and I have netflix and hulu.com to keep me warm.
It's a very good day.
Part 2 of my mission was also accomplished this morning. I presented my mom with a very carefully wrapped photo book from mypublisher.com and she looooooooooooooooooooved it. Just so happy and really touched by it, which is a rare reaction from her.
I was half expecting her to give me her standard gift response, which is, "Oh, you spent your money?", but nothing like that came out of her mouth. She gifted me with some chocolates, which I regifted to my neighbor/friend that I realized I hadn't saved a card for (shhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!).
My mom wanted us to stay an extra day, but my dad's ocd is on double-time lately, and his numerous hand washings and other ticks were starting to put me over the edge, so we headed home and I found some really cute things waiting for me:
- early child support check for next month, thank you VERY much ex;
- a card addressed to "mommy" with $20 in it so me and the baby could go to our favorite restaurant, which we did;
- a coloring book card from exMIL with $5
- a card from greatgrandma with some cash, which the baby used to buy a couple of toys at Target. It was really cute - I took him to the Thomas section, and he picked out what he wanted all by himself for the first time and he is in LOVE with his little James engine. It's tucked under his arm right now in my bed. Tonight is nail clipping night, so I'm going to get to that soon.
After our somewhat disastrous errands, we came home, the baby played with the next door neighbor's electrician tools as he fixed his car, which was a huge hit, I made a meatloaf and the soup, gave the baby a bath, and now I've been catching up on my blog reading with the not-so-good wine, which I'm *finally* getting a buzz from.
And now, going to buzz off and watch the latest 30 Rock.
Peace out, much love, and a photo of a the base of a lamp at my mom's house ... she bought it at an antique store about 23 years ago ... cute, non?
Rude people
For the most part, I tend to forget the woes of being a single mom when I'm out and about with the little guy. We do our thing, people generally comment on his cuteness, and we go on our merry way.
However, there are times, like today, when I am jolted out of my reverie and brought back to reality with a crash ... I am a single mom, I am doing it on my own, with an almost 18 month old who is highly stubborn and going through what seems like the early terrible-twos, but almost worse because he cannot really communicate except through screams (as I've said before).
Today, Valentine's Day, a day of love and understanding (so ironic), I was doing my weekly grocery shopping. It had been a long day for the little guy -- he has the beginnings of the cold and we'd come home from my mom's, took him out to eat for a treat, went to Target, to another grocery store, and I don't really blame the little guy for being slightly irritated.
By the time we'd gotten to Trader Joe's he refused to sit in the shopping cart, and I carried him around until it was impossible, and he ended up trying to climb the shelves. A kindly store employee brought over a shopping cart, and he was amused for a couple of minutes until we got to the meat and cheese aisle, where he did he darndest to propel himself out of the shopping cart.
Let me not here, that in these situations, there is almost always a kind and understanding stranger willing to help the cause and distract him. Let me also note that not at one single point did I raise my voice at him ... I was mostly silent, trying to control him, which is not easy.
An older mother/daughter duo did nothing but give me the stink eye, murmer to themselves, and say, "POOR MOTHER" very loudly while I grabbed a box of crackers and opened them to finally pacify the little guy.
It took all the strength I had not to turn around and throw the box of crackers at their heads.
F-ing rude people.
Something about that rudeness, maybe they thought we were being rude, who knows , brought my motherly protective instinct into superdrive and I wanted so much to tell their smug faces off.
I also wanted to cry, right there and right then. No kindly strangers offering distractions, only supporting the rude mother/daughter duo with their silence.
It's hard, this single mother thing.
However, there are times, like today, when I am jolted out of my reverie and brought back to reality with a crash ... I am a single mom, I am doing it on my own, with an almost 18 month old who is highly stubborn and going through what seems like the early terrible-twos, but almost worse because he cannot really communicate except through screams (as I've said before).
Today, Valentine's Day, a day of love and understanding (so ironic), I was doing my weekly grocery shopping. It had been a long day for the little guy -- he has the beginnings of the cold and we'd come home from my mom's, took him out to eat for a treat, went to Target, to another grocery store, and I don't really blame the little guy for being slightly irritated.
By the time we'd gotten to Trader Joe's he refused to sit in the shopping cart, and I carried him around until it was impossible, and he ended up trying to climb the shelves. A kindly store employee brought over a shopping cart, and he was amused for a couple of minutes until we got to the meat and cheese aisle, where he did he darndest to propel himself out of the shopping cart.
Let me not here, that in these situations, there is almost always a kind and understanding stranger willing to help the cause and distract him. Let me also note that not at one single point did I raise my voice at him ... I was mostly silent, trying to control him, which is not easy.
An older mother/daughter duo did nothing but give me the stink eye, murmer to themselves, and say, "POOR MOTHER" very loudly while I grabbed a box of crackers and opened them to finally pacify the little guy.
It took all the strength I had not to turn around and throw the box of crackers at their heads.
F-ing rude people.
Something about that rudeness, maybe they thought we were being rude, who knows , brought my motherly protective instinct into superdrive and I wanted so much to tell their smug faces off.
I also wanted to cry, right there and right then. No kindly strangers offering distractions, only supporting the rude mother/daughter duo with their silence.
It's hard, this single mother thing.
Inspirational Quote o' the Day, Valentine's Edition
Because I do believe in love .... love for ourselves, love for humankind, romantic love, agapic love, whatever you want to call it. Love is a beautiful thing!
I'm not a religious person, but this (and my previous biblical quote) are very profound to me:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (New International Version)
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I'm not a religious person, but this (and my previous biblical quote) are very profound to me:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (New International Version)
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Taking a break ...
... from sleeping in! And I like it!
Lately, I've been falling asleep extremely early with the baby, not really by choice, I guess, but I guess it's my body's way of telling me, "get some DAYUM SLEEP, LADY!".
Usually, I get all kinds of cranky about losing my prime busy time, but since it's Friday/Saturday night and I'm not at my actual home, woo hoo! Just up for a quick moment at midnight to brush teeth and check email that I haven't checked since 5 pm last night.
Feels good to do something "out of the ordinary" ... and to have crusty makeup on. :p
See you all tomorrow!
Lately, I've been falling asleep extremely early with the baby, not really by choice, I guess, but I guess it's my body's way of telling me, "get some DAYUM SLEEP, LADY!".
Usually, I get all kinds of cranky about losing my prime busy time, but since it's Friday/Saturday night and I'm not at my actual home, woo hoo! Just up for a quick moment at midnight to brush teeth and check email that I haven't checked since 5 pm last night.
Feels good to do something "out of the ordinary" ... and to have crusty makeup on. :p
See you all tomorrow!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Today's Inspiration
Thank you to modernsinglemama for calling attention to this quote:
Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version)
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version)
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Do the crime
... pay the fine. About $400 worth of fines related to my California Stops and nothing could change that.
I will say that I did learn a lot about the judicial system today, including the following:
- I apparently don't know enough about the judicial system to know the difference between an arraignment and court date.
- If your ticket says show up at 8 am, don't bother rolling in until 9 am.
- A LOT of people don't show up period and get in lots of trouble.
- A lot of illegal drivers get caught.
- It's better to plead guilty or no contest to a traffic violation.
- Politeness doesn't count in the end, even though every one else around you murmers obsenities towards the commissioner.
- Sometimes in life you still have to sit next to people you'd rather not.
- If you get caught by one of those traffic videos cameras, don't plead not guilty, you'll only be embarrassed in the end. But everyone else will get a laugh out of it. (This wasn't me, though!)
- Do the crime, pay the fine. And then some.
Ah, life. In the end, it will all cost me around $300 - $400 so, but that's what I gotta deal with. Just another punch to roll with.
In other news, T G I F!!!!! It was a rocky week and I'm looking forward to a 3-day weekend, sleep, and I've been informed that a certain 17-month old boy is buying me dinner tomorrow.
:)
I will say that I did learn a lot about the judicial system today, including the following:
- I apparently don't know enough about the judicial system to know the difference between an arraignment and court date.
- If your ticket says show up at 8 am, don't bother rolling in until 9 am.
- A LOT of people don't show up period and get in lots of trouble.
- A lot of illegal drivers get caught.
- It's better to plead guilty or no contest to a traffic violation.
- Politeness doesn't count in the end, even though every one else around you murmers obsenities towards the commissioner.
- Sometimes in life you still have to sit next to people you'd rather not.
- If you get caught by one of those traffic videos cameras, don't plead not guilty, you'll only be embarrassed in the end. But everyone else will get a laugh out of it. (This wasn't me, though!)
- Do the crime, pay the fine. And then some.
Ah, life. In the end, it will all cost me around $300 - $400 so, but that's what I gotta deal with. Just another punch to roll with.
In other news, T G I F!!!!! It was a rocky week and I'm looking forward to a 3-day weekend, sleep, and I've been informed that a certain 17-month old boy is buying me dinner tomorrow.
:)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
In honor of S.A.D.
This post was originally going to be a "oh my GOD, my parents drive me bezerk" post, but I've decided to seize fate and change my attitude. It is now in honor of S.A.D., Single's Awareness Day, which we will now be calling by it's rightful name, Valentine's Day, since all you singletons now officially have 2 Valentines ... me and the baby. I mean it, we're yours! We love all of you, even the readers we've never met before.
Thank you for being you. :)
I'll get to the "argh, they drive me so nuts" story in a bit, but first, a little background on my views towards Valentine's Day.
In my entire life, I've only had a Valentine for 3 years, and those were the years I was with Bozo.
Can't blame a gal for being dateless.
1st V-Day with Bozo: I can't remember what we did. Probably something stupid and I'm sure he gave me a gift from the 99 cent store. Were we even together back then? I really can't even remember and don't want to put effort into doing so.
2nd V-Day with Bozo: He was in Lebanon. We were newly married and one short week later he was going to break up with me. He got me a child's purse that looked like a bee. It was trashed soon afterwards.
3rd V-Day with Bozo: The baby was 5 months old, I was a couple months going back to work, and in the midst of postpartum depression and full of anxiety and worry. He got me a mug from Starbucks, and 2 weeks later we broke up for good. I really should get rid of that mug, bad juju.
Well, folks, this year it's a clean start, and in honor of healthy living and healthy attitudes towards life, we're all going to love one another and celebrate that love we have for ourselves and fellow mankind. Life is too short not to feel the love, so treat yourself to something, even if it's something on the $1 menu at McDonald's or your fast food restaurant of choice. Isn't love grand???
Yes, it's only ONE day, and it's largely a heavily marketed ploy to sell greeting cards, roses, and candy, but it's one that I've been celebrating my entire life and as a mother, I've learned to embrace the innate cheesiness of it all. FYI, it is so much better as a parent!!!! :)
Today was a day of annoyance -- in the morning commute, I was listening to NPR and missed my exit, which was a pain and a half to recover from, given how terrible traffic is at that time. Pain! During the evening commute, I very nearly fell dangerously asleep and BARELY managed to avoid hitting someone. Eep. Lesson -- listen to dance music, not news.
Tonight was one of those nights my parents head out the door as soon as I arrive to pick up my sister at her uni. 45 minutes away, and they left me with an ornery infant and a missing bottle.
The thing that drives me so nuts about my family is their utter unorganization. It is ridiculous and I'm not innocent either, but at some point, you gotta be able to keep track of the one and only bottle at their house! I'd acutally brought another one, but who knows where the hell that one went!
It was a wreck mess, pure and simple -- baby is still suffering from a diaper rash (I've realized I need to change his diaper brand - thanks, exFIL), does not want to be change, hates being washed up in the sink, and loves to roll around when he should really sit still so I can put a new diaper on him!
It was all of that, plus not being able to find the stinking bottle that jutt thew me over the edge. Like, completely over.
But, now, all is well, and I must, really must get to bed. Big day in traffic court tomorrow! Wish me luck!
Thank you for being you. :)
I'll get to the "argh, they drive me so nuts" story in a bit, but first, a little background on my views towards Valentine's Day.
In my entire life, I've only had a Valentine for 3 years, and those were the years I was with Bozo.
Can't blame a gal for being dateless.
1st V-Day with Bozo: I can't remember what we did. Probably something stupid and I'm sure he gave me a gift from the 99 cent store. Were we even together back then? I really can't even remember and don't want to put effort into doing so.
2nd V-Day with Bozo: He was in Lebanon. We were newly married and one short week later he was going to break up with me. He got me a child's purse that looked like a bee. It was trashed soon afterwards.
3rd V-Day with Bozo: The baby was 5 months old, I was a couple months going back to work, and in the midst of postpartum depression and full of anxiety and worry. He got me a mug from Starbucks, and 2 weeks later we broke up for good. I really should get rid of that mug, bad juju.
Well, folks, this year it's a clean start, and in honor of healthy living and healthy attitudes towards life, we're all going to love one another and celebrate that love we have for ourselves and fellow mankind. Life is too short not to feel the love, so treat yourself to something, even if it's something on the $1 menu at McDonald's or your fast food restaurant of choice. Isn't love grand???
Yes, it's only ONE day, and it's largely a heavily marketed ploy to sell greeting cards, roses, and candy, but it's one that I've been celebrating my entire life and as a mother, I've learned to embrace the innate cheesiness of it all. FYI, it is so much better as a parent!!!! :)
Today was a day of annoyance -- in the morning commute, I was listening to NPR and missed my exit, which was a pain and a half to recover from, given how terrible traffic is at that time. Pain! During the evening commute, I very nearly fell dangerously asleep and BARELY managed to avoid hitting someone. Eep. Lesson -- listen to dance music, not news.
Tonight was one of those nights my parents head out the door as soon as I arrive to pick up my sister at her uni. 45 minutes away, and they left me with an ornery infant and a missing bottle.
The thing that drives me so nuts about my family is their utter unorganization. It is ridiculous and I'm not innocent either, but at some point, you gotta be able to keep track of the one and only bottle at their house! I'd acutally brought another one, but who knows where the hell that one went!
It was a wreck mess, pure and simple -- baby is still suffering from a diaper rash (I've realized I need to change his diaper brand - thanks, exFIL), does not want to be change, hates being washed up in the sink, and loves to roll around when he should really sit still so I can put a new diaper on him!
It was all of that, plus not being able to find the stinking bottle that jutt thew me over the edge. Like, completely over.
But, now, all is well, and I must, really must get to bed. Big day in traffic court tomorrow! Wish me luck!
Big day tomorrow
Off to traffic court early tomorrow a.m. to deal with my 2 citations for "California Stops", and I can't find the citations! eep!
I've been able to put this off since August, which is a good thing, and I'm going to PRAY for leniency, because I cannot afford to pay the whole shebang.
Really, it was a stupid thing on my part and the officer's part. He's let so many other people go for the same offense (at least 5 in my office - all females!), but because I was in a hurry, and absentminded and gave him the wrong answer, he cited me and wouldn't even listen to my pleas of being a struggling single mother.
Mofo. I'm glad I called him that as he went back to his squad car.
Well, wish me luck!!!! I need it!
I've been able to put this off since August, which is a good thing, and I'm going to PRAY for leniency, because I cannot afford to pay the whole shebang.
Really, it was a stupid thing on my part and the officer's part. He's let so many other people go for the same offense (at least 5 in my office - all females!), but because I was in a hurry, and absentminded and gave him the wrong answer, he cited me and wouldn't even listen to my pleas of being a struggling single mother.
Mofo. I'm glad I called him that as he went back to his squad car.
Well, wish me luck!!!! I need it!
Scary, scary
As I was leaving my parent's house for work early this morning, there was a crowd of police cars, ambulances and fire trucks around a house on their court.
Eeep!
Something happened, and I'm not sure if we'll ever find out. Not that it's any of our business, but my parents aren't on speaking terms with anyone in their court.
I hope the person is ok. Another reminder that life is precious. Embrace every second of it.
---
In terms of the law of attraction, I am wondering why I tend to attract a certain type of man at certain points in my life. Growing up, I always liked the "tall, dark, and handsome" types ... John Stamos, I'm talking about you.
However, in my real life, it sometimes seems as if I have a gravitational pull for the light haired/blue-eyed types. What is it??? Are they attracted to my somewhat exotic looks? I don't get it - not to flatter myself at all, but I just want to know what's going on here, because even the guy I communicated with on FB yesterday was a blonde/blue. Bozo is a light haired/blue. Radio man was a light haired/blue. All the men who come into my life have been light haired with blue eyes ... clearly there is a pattern here. But what???!!!!
The poem from my previous post was called to my attention by a former-coworker at one of the radio stations I worked at years ago, and at the time of my then quarter-life crisis, it was just what I needed to read.
About 3 years ago, when Bozo left for the first time and I was completely desolate, I received a random myspace message from a man with light hair and blue eyes telling me that he doesn't know me, and don't think it's weird, but he can sense auras and he was extremely attracted to mine. Why? He thinks he had to send me the poem, that was his mission. He then disappeared somewhere in cyberspace, and that was that.
I'd forgotten about it completely, and yet it came at the perfect time. Why do we forget the things we know are true? Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we forget that we deserve good things and why do we let ourselves get lost to the infinite whirlwind of sadness and self-hurt?
When I find out, I'll let you know.
Eeep!
Something happened, and I'm not sure if we'll ever find out. Not that it's any of our business, but my parents aren't on speaking terms with anyone in their court.
I hope the person is ok. Another reminder that life is precious. Embrace every second of it.
---
In terms of the law of attraction, I am wondering why I tend to attract a certain type of man at certain points in my life. Growing up, I always liked the "tall, dark, and handsome" types ... John Stamos, I'm talking about you.
However, in my real life, it sometimes seems as if I have a gravitational pull for the light haired/blue-eyed types. What is it??? Are they attracted to my somewhat exotic looks? I don't get it - not to flatter myself at all, but I just want to know what's going on here, because even the guy I communicated with on FB yesterday was a blonde/blue. Bozo is a light haired/blue. Radio man was a light haired/blue. All the men who come into my life have been light haired with blue eyes ... clearly there is a pattern here. But what???!!!!
The poem from my previous post was called to my attention by a former-coworker at one of the radio stations I worked at years ago, and at the time of my then quarter-life crisis, it was just what I needed to read.
About 3 years ago, when Bozo left for the first time and I was completely desolate, I received a random myspace message from a man with light hair and blue eyes telling me that he doesn't know me, and don't think it's weird, but he can sense auras and he was extremely attracted to mine. Why? He thinks he had to send me the poem, that was his mission. He then disappeared somewhere in cyberspace, and that was that.
I'd forgotten about it completely, and yet it came at the perfect time. Why do we forget the things we know are true? Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we forget that we deserve good things and why do we let ourselves get lost to the infinite whirlwind of sadness and self-hurt?
When I find out, I'll let you know.
Here's one for inspiration...
desiderata - by max ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Proud of myself
So, here's the deal ... I looked up the name of the spiritual center (can't really call it a church) I used to attend and left a message on Facebook.
This afternoon, I receive a random message from someone who saw the post I'd left ... he was a single dad, too.
It led to a series of exchanges, we talked about raising kids, spiritual things, and I left him with some book and website recommendations.
For a second, I was like ... wow, could this BE???!!! What if he's fug, I thought, what if I'm building all these brief emails up and he turns out to be jabba the hut? But, why should that matter? He's like-minded and actually that's pretty amazing. I rarely find like-minded individuals ever???
He ended up friending me, and he's not jabba the hut, but he's also not that attractive to me, which proves my ultimate point that online man hunting isn't for me. I'm way to judgmental, and on top of that, I can dish it, but hate taking it in return.
I am a conundrum.
In the end, I was proud of myself, because I really didn't build all it up, and I think I was in control of my thoughts, control of my emotions.
In the "about me" section on my Facebook, I've written this: "I consider myself to be a catalyst. And also a chocoholic."
The chocoholic thing needs to end, but in the meanwhile, I'll forever be a catalyst and I've realized that's my mission here on earth, maybe. This man may not be "the one" (sidenote: why am I so conditioned to think this?), but he is practice for the real thing, he is someone who thinks along my thoughts, and it is SO GOOD to know that in this crazy city of Los Angeles, in this crazy world of mine where I oh, so often feel sidelined, there is hope.
Yes, HOPE remains.
In the meanwhile, I leave you with this image from my house. It's a wreck mess. This is where I put all of my stuff that I don't want to deal with, and I had to deal with it this morning big time, when I was unsuccessfully searching for my 2007 tax returns. None of us are perfect, folks, we're all a work in progress. The word block says it all:
Breaking News
I may have just met a quality man via Facebook. Details to follow as they arrive.
P.S. But, I 'm not getting my hopes up.
P.P.S. Never mind. I'm not ready to go down this road just yet.
P.S. But, I 'm not getting my hopes up.
P.P.S. Never mind. I'm not ready to go down this road just yet.
A time to laugh
Despite all my talk and worry about doom and gloom, I have been laughing a lot lately. So much that I was laughing to myself as I went to Pinkberry for lunch and heard more than a couple people lock the doors on their cars.
Laughter really is the best medicine, and I'm so glad for the Internet, which has given me so many resources to get my chuckle on.
Here are a couple of things that are making me giggle today:
1. Ras Trent, a Lonely Island SNL sketch by the one and only Andy Samberg. This came out a while ago, and I'm not sure how I missed it. It is hilarious, and you must watch it several times to catch all the hilarious subtleties. Oh, dear goodness. I think we've all known a Ras Trent at one point or another. I love the roller skates and that he "toils" at a Coldstone! Bwaahahahahahahahaha.
Andy Samberg happens to be another SF bay area baby ... I can totally see where he gets his ideas from. Bezerkly anyone?
2. 30 Rock, via Hulu.com, the latest epision being "Generalissimo". Oh. My. Goodness. I didn't think anything could surplant my favorite show ever, Arrested Development, but 30 Rock is right on up there. I love how they've worked with the Telenovelas and they did a brilliant job with it in this episode.
The best thing about 30 Rock is when Elaine Stritch guests as Jack Donaghy's mom... such a comic genius!
Hope those links get a laugh out of you ... they sure make my day go by a little bit easier. :)
Laughter really is the best medicine, and I'm so glad for the Internet, which has given me so many resources to get my chuckle on.
Here are a couple of things that are making me giggle today:
1. Ras Trent, a Lonely Island SNL sketch by the one and only Andy Samberg. This came out a while ago, and I'm not sure how I missed it. It is hilarious, and you must watch it several times to catch all the hilarious subtleties. Oh, dear goodness. I think we've all known a Ras Trent at one point or another. I love the roller skates and that he "toils" at a Coldstone! Bwaahahahahahahahaha.
Andy Samberg happens to be another SF bay area baby ... I can totally see where he gets his ideas from. Bezerkly anyone?
2. 30 Rock, via Hulu.com, the latest epision being "Generalissimo". Oh. My. Goodness. I didn't think anything could surplant my favorite show ever, Arrested Development, but 30 Rock is right on up there. I love how they've worked with the Telenovelas and they did a brilliant job with it in this episode.
The best thing about 30 Rock is when Elaine Stritch guests as Jack Donaghy's mom... such a comic genius!
Hope those links get a laugh out of you ... they sure make my day go by a little bit easier. :)
Despite...
... the fact that he's the world's biggest booger, he's my booger, and the cutest one I've ever seen. I love my boy, and will love him forever and for always.
And yes, that IS a pink binky ... what can I say, times is rough and I can't find any of his other ones!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Some People. Have All. The Luck.
In the last year since I've been going through my divorce and the beginning of my Facebook addiction, I've become better acquainted with a co-worker who sits fairly near to me. She has her own office in the middle of the runway between my cubicle and the other side of the building, which is pretty swanky in those parts.
As I came to learn, she was going through her own divorce. Found out the very hard way that not only was her husband cheating on her, but he was a major meth addict. Ouch. No kids, but a grueling divorce that is still going on and will still be going on for quite a while, which makes me thankful for my quick and easy self-divorce.
She signed up for Facebook a while back and we trade comments throughout the day ... I posted something about a sorely overdue artist's date I'd taken during lunch and she took it to mean I went on a date with an artist, which is a nice thought, but so far from the truth!
She then told me she's been dating someone since the holidays, and when I tell you how they met, you won't even believe it. It's serendipity in action. He randomly out-of-the-blue messaged her on facebook, not knowing any of her friends. She took a chance and added him and they hit it off and that's been that.
She's happy, and I'm happy for her. He's making her realize how little in common she had with her methed-out ex and they really enjoy each other's company, laugh at each other's jokes, and really GET each other.
Isn't it funny how things happen????
-----
I realized today that I've been blogging an awful lot lately. It's like I'm verbally puking my thoughts all over these pages. In a way, this is my substitute for a sounding board, and I'm grateful for it. There aren't that many people in my day-to-day life who are interested in the minutae of my life, and I don't have time to call the friends who do want to hear what is going on in my life. Even my dear, sainted exMIL has too many things to really sit and listen.
In fact, I have one friend who told me she was available this evening, and look how fast it's gone by. It's nearly 11 pm, the baby has *just* gone to bed, and I'm all out of energy. But that's ok. Because I have this blog.
Thank you, whoever you all are, for listening to the rambles of one worn-out single mama on the run who has mascara smudges under her eyes about 85% of the day.
As I came to learn, she was going through her own divorce. Found out the very hard way that not only was her husband cheating on her, but he was a major meth addict. Ouch. No kids, but a grueling divorce that is still going on and will still be going on for quite a while, which makes me thankful for my quick and easy self-divorce.
She signed up for Facebook a while back and we trade comments throughout the day ... I posted something about a sorely overdue artist's date I'd taken during lunch and she took it to mean I went on a date with an artist, which is a nice thought, but so far from the truth!
She then told me she's been dating someone since the holidays, and when I tell you how they met, you won't even believe it. It's serendipity in action. He randomly out-of-the-blue messaged her on facebook, not knowing any of her friends. She took a chance and added him and they hit it off and that's been that.
She's happy, and I'm happy for her. He's making her realize how little in common she had with her methed-out ex and they really enjoy each other's company, laugh at each other's jokes, and really GET each other.
Isn't it funny how things happen????
-----
I realized today that I've been blogging an awful lot lately. It's like I'm verbally puking my thoughts all over these pages. In a way, this is my substitute for a sounding board, and I'm grateful for it. There aren't that many people in my day-to-day life who are interested in the minutae of my life, and I don't have time to call the friends who do want to hear what is going on in my life. Even my dear, sainted exMIL has too many things to really sit and listen.
In fact, I have one friend who told me she was available this evening, and look how fast it's gone by. It's nearly 11 pm, the baby has *just* gone to bed, and I'm all out of energy. But that's ok. Because I have this blog.
Thank you, whoever you all are, for listening to the rambles of one worn-out single mama on the run who has mascara smudges under her eyes about 85% of the day.
$150/month, another lamentation
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
I am all about the sighs right now, and an important decision was made tonight. But, before I get that, let me just say that I wish to God that I didn't need to have Bozo around for anything ... not money, not as my child's father, just nothing.
However, I do need him and do depend on the $150/month in child support, which is a pittance, but a much needed one.
As you all know, times are very tight in the anonmom house. They just are, it's the way things are, and having a job with non-consistent paychecks doesn't make things easier.
I'm not on commission, but the job doesn't pay biweekly, as is customary in most other companies. We are paid twice a month, and that can mean our paycheck is made up of 11 days each, 12 days each, or 10 days each.
This last two paychecks, because of the holiday schedule, my paycheck has been made up of 10 days. That's a big difference than the usual 12 days and pretty much devestating to me when it's time to pay rent, because that's also the paycheck where I pay for car/home insurance and my cell phone, in addition to food, gas, etc.
So, I add up the bills in my head and realize that after all the bills are paid, I have $50 for food/gas for 2 1/2 weeks.
Yeah, that's not going to work.
I did something I dread doing -- texted the ex to see if he'll give me March's child support check now. Tonight I plan on finishing up my taxes, and I'll also have that refund to look forward to in the next week or so.
His response -- "Can I at least please take him to Knotts?"
My subdued response (I really wanted to tell him he was a deadbeat dad): "Knotts vs your son's welfare? This is nothing to bargain."
His response -- "its very important to me, I'll give you an extra $150, but I at least want to take him for 2 hours."
Sidenote -- he only wants to go because his childhood friend with 2 young kids must have mentioned that he recently took his kids to Camp Snoopy. The difference between my ex and his friend? His friend is a zillion times more responsible.
My response -- "not now. When he's a little bigger and the weather gets better."
The end of the story for tonight. I don't know if I'll get the $150 from him, so I'm going to have to ask my exMIL for a loan. Don't want to ask my parents, as much as my mom has been complaining about losing so much money in the stock market dip (it's because of "that man"/aka Obama, according to my mom/archie bunker).
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Literally, I sighed as I typed that and the above sigh out.
My decision? I'm going to look for a new place. Even though I would prefer a 2 bedroom, I'll stick to a 1 bedroom or even look into a roomate situation. This is the only way I can keep my expenses down.
It sucks, and it is hurting me that I have to do this, but I HAVE to do it. There's just no way about it. It HAS to be done.
Wish me luck. I need it.
I am all about the sighs right now, and an important decision was made tonight. But, before I get that, let me just say that I wish to God that I didn't need to have Bozo around for anything ... not money, not as my child's father, just nothing.
However, I do need him and do depend on the $150/month in child support, which is a pittance, but a much needed one.
As you all know, times are very tight in the anonmom house. They just are, it's the way things are, and having a job with non-consistent paychecks doesn't make things easier.
I'm not on commission, but the job doesn't pay biweekly, as is customary in most other companies. We are paid twice a month, and that can mean our paycheck is made up of 11 days each, 12 days each, or 10 days each.
This last two paychecks, because of the holiday schedule, my paycheck has been made up of 10 days. That's a big difference than the usual 12 days and pretty much devestating to me when it's time to pay rent, because that's also the paycheck where I pay for car/home insurance and my cell phone, in addition to food, gas, etc.
So, I add up the bills in my head and realize that after all the bills are paid, I have $50 for food/gas for 2 1/2 weeks.
Yeah, that's not going to work.
I did something I dread doing -- texted the ex to see if he'll give me March's child support check now. Tonight I plan on finishing up my taxes, and I'll also have that refund to look forward to in the next week or so.
His response -- "Can I at least please take him to Knotts?"
My subdued response (I really wanted to tell him he was a deadbeat dad): "Knotts vs your son's welfare? This is nothing to bargain."
His response -- "its very important to me, I'll give you an extra $150, but I at least want to take him for 2 hours."
Sidenote -- he only wants to go because his childhood friend with 2 young kids must have mentioned that he recently took his kids to Camp Snoopy. The difference between my ex and his friend? His friend is a zillion times more responsible.
My response -- "not now. When he's a little bigger and the weather gets better."
The end of the story for tonight. I don't know if I'll get the $150 from him, so I'm going to have to ask my exMIL for a loan. Don't want to ask my parents, as much as my mom has been complaining about losing so much money in the stock market dip (it's because of "that man"/aka Obama, according to my mom/archie bunker).
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Literally, I sighed as I typed that and the above sigh out.
My decision? I'm going to look for a new place. Even though I would prefer a 2 bedroom, I'll stick to a 1 bedroom or even look into a roomate situation. This is the only way I can keep my expenses down.
It sucks, and it is hurting me that I have to do this, but I HAVE to do it. There's just no way about it. It HAS to be done.
Wish me luck. I need it.
One more of those Facebook memories
When I was in high school, I was (and still am) pretty nerdy. When I had moved to the public high school for the second half of 9th grade, I was a huge old hot mess and trying to figure out exactly who I was.
At the time I was still not eating much, still super thin, and trying to figure out my style amonst the clothes my mom was still buying for me.
Maybe in this life I'm just not one of those lucky people who gets hit on all the time or gets asked out all the time. At that point in my life, I was still in a "Sweet Valley High" reverie and totally expected to be asked out by cute boys all the time. I mean, isn't that what happened in high school?
It just never happened for me (boo hoo hoo, tears on my pillow), but there was one time I was *almost* asked out by this cute boy who was in a few of my classes. I think and elementary school friend wanted to set us up, maybe, and that's how I knew of him? I'm not really sure.
But, I do remember us having some kind of chit chat in class, and then one day as I was going inside the cafeteria to purchase some sour straws or pop tarts or some other kind of junk food (ah, those were the days), I passed by the cute boy and heard one of his friends ask him about me: "Are you going to talk to her?"
And his response: No ... something, something, something, it was all just a big blur to me after the no, that sickening WHOOSH of disappointment you feel in the pit of your stomach.
And then, a few months later, he moved away forever, and that was the end of that. I've always referred to him as the only guy who would have asked me out, as my high school days were entirely dateless and desperate, and I've gotten so much joke material out of that in the ensuing years.
So, for some reason or another, procrastinating as usual, I go on my high school's page on Facebook and see some new faces. There's the girl who had the problem with boogers! Man, she's put on some weight. I wonder if she still has issues with boogers? And, OH! THERE HE IS! GASP ... cute boy from high school who almost asked me out!!!!
He's living in Tennessee and he's STILL cute. I'm not adding him as a friend, though. Nuh, uh. He probably forgot all about me, and I'm just leaving it up to the fates.
Yep, that's how I'm going to do it.
At the time I was still not eating much, still super thin, and trying to figure out my style amonst the clothes my mom was still buying for me.
Maybe in this life I'm just not one of those lucky people who gets hit on all the time or gets asked out all the time. At that point in my life, I was still in a "Sweet Valley High" reverie and totally expected to be asked out by cute boys all the time. I mean, isn't that what happened in high school?
It just never happened for me (boo hoo hoo, tears on my pillow), but there was one time I was *almost* asked out by this cute boy who was in a few of my classes. I think and elementary school friend wanted to set us up, maybe, and that's how I knew of him? I'm not really sure.
But, I do remember us having some kind of chit chat in class, and then one day as I was going inside the cafeteria to purchase some sour straws or pop tarts or some other kind of junk food (ah, those were the days), I passed by the cute boy and heard one of his friends ask him about me: "Are you going to talk to her?"
And his response: No ... something, something, something, it was all just a big blur to me after the no, that sickening WHOOSH of disappointment you feel in the pit of your stomach.
And then, a few months later, he moved away forever, and that was the end of that. I've always referred to him as the only guy who would have asked me out, as my high school days were entirely dateless and desperate, and I've gotten so much joke material out of that in the ensuing years.
So, for some reason or another, procrastinating as usual, I go on my high school's page on Facebook and see some new faces. There's the girl who had the problem with boogers! Man, she's put on some weight. I wonder if she still has issues with boogers? And, OH! THERE HE IS! GASP ... cute boy from high school who almost asked me out!!!!
He's living in Tennessee and he's STILL cute. I'm not adding him as a friend, though. Nuh, uh. He probably forgot all about me, and I'm just leaving it up to the fates.
Yep, that's how I'm going to do it.
Oh, just beat it
Yes, Bozo is definitely in one of his "moods", meaning he is trying to goad me and irritate me and take some energy from me.
How do I know this? Well, I've known this man for 4 years, and he is beyond predictable. A little boring, even? He would benefit from brain chemical-shifting drugs, that is for sure.
Let's see, today he's
- brought up the Knott's thing, which he knows I hate.
- im'd me about the Knott's thing, saying he wants the baby to know his friends. I didn't correct him and tell him those were actually his DAD's friends and their kids.
- told me he thinks about me all the time.
- sent a flowery text message saying he can't believe we made such a beautiful child.
Oh, Bozo. You can't fool me anymore. I am so way past your mind foolery, and the only fool here is you, mama's boy.
Once again, exasperation and frustration and scores of eye rolls from me. Can't I just make him disappear??
How do I know this? Well, I've known this man for 4 years, and he is beyond predictable. A little boring, even? He would benefit from brain chemical-shifting drugs, that is for sure.
Let's see, today he's
- brought up the Knott's thing, which he knows I hate.
- im'd me about the Knott's thing, saying he wants the baby to know his friends. I didn't correct him and tell him those were actually his DAD's friends and their kids.
- told me he thinks about me all the time.
- sent a flowery text message saying he can't believe we made such a beautiful child.
Oh, Bozo. You can't fool me anymore. I am so way past your mind foolery, and the only fool here is you, mama's boy.
Once again, exasperation and frustration and scores of eye rolls from me. Can't I just make him disappear??
Not worth getting irritated about
My ex, Bozo, goes through these phases. It's a cycle, it really is, and I'm finally getting to the point where I've learned to ignore them because he is all fluff, full of his own words, and not worth getting irritated about, because he'll forget what he got inflamed about in close to no time.
So, yesterday, it was the call asking if any of my family members have traumatized the baby. Ok, fine, dealt with.
Today, it's a text telling me he wants to get a yearly pass to take the baby to Knotts Berry Farm like one of his friends does with his two children.
I'm so tempted to write back, "when the baby's older", but it's best to put him on ignore, because anything I text back is just going to fuel the flames of accusation towards me ... I'll start getting texts about how I micromanage, how I am a crazy bitch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It will blow over at some point, not going to give it any attention, and he'll forget about this in a couple of days.
The reality is that my ex is not the same type of father his friend is, and there is no way in hell or high water he is going to take the baby to an amusement park by himself, at least while the baby is still in diapers and can't verbally communicate. Just not going to happen.
So, yesterday, it was the call asking if any of my family members have traumatized the baby. Ok, fine, dealt with.
Today, it's a text telling me he wants to get a yearly pass to take the baby to Knotts Berry Farm like one of his friends does with his two children.
I'm so tempted to write back, "when the baby's older", but it's best to put him on ignore, because anything I text back is just going to fuel the flames of accusation towards me ... I'll start getting texts about how I micromanage, how I am a crazy bitch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It will blow over at some point, not going to give it any attention, and he'll forget about this in a couple of days.
The reality is that my ex is not the same type of father his friend is, and there is no way in hell or high water he is going to take the baby to an amusement park by himself, at least while the baby is still in diapers and can't verbally communicate. Just not going to happen.
The shrieking continues
"The opposite of love is indifference." Elie Weisel
When I was leaving my mom's house on Saturday afternoon, I witnessed something extremely interesting. It was an "aha!" moment where I saw the way things are for the first time after struggling with them for most of my life.
I won't deny that my mom is a loving person. She does have a lot of love in her, however, a while back I had of those moments when you realize your parents DON'T know everything. She means well, but I do believe she has a lot of pain she masks with her actions.
Well, that was a jumbled mess, but let me try to explain by my observations.
The baby, as you all know, is in a stage where he wants to be in control. He'll scream until he gets his way, trying to assert his authority as king of the hill. This is what kids do when they start getting their sea legs and are opening their eyes to the world around him.
What the baby loves to do when he's outside at my parent's house is to take an adult by the hand, lead them to a watering hose, and make them start to water. Adorable, non? He just loves it and the moment you stop watering ... WATCH OUT!
As I was loading our things into my car, my mom was watching him and doing the watering hose thing, and started getting irritated with him because she'd had enough of watering and he clearly hadn't!
He started crying and becoming upset, and it went back and forth for a few minutes between the two of them while I packed and observed. At the end, he was really upset and instead of prolonging the back and forth between grandma and grandson, I picked him up and loaded him in the car. He was tired, and he calmed down sure enough.
Here's the interesting part: my mom, who had previously been irritated with him, comes after me while I'm carrying him away and tries to placate him, "give him to me, let me hold him, it's ok baby, don't cry."
I had to put an end to the cycle of irritability between those two, but in all of it, I saw the bigger picture for the first time, the bigger picture on my mom's actions and things she's done in my life that have bothered me.
She torments, but she has guilt about it. She goads people to the point of hurting their feelings, but she also loves them and doesn't want to see them hurt.
Wow. When I put the pieces on that together, it's like I was lifted above the situation, seeing it from a third-parties perspective.
That's behavior that she's been doing my whole life and she also does it to my sisters. I wonder where it comes from? I have to think that a lot of it comes from unhappiness that she has in her life, happiness she carries over from her own childhood, when she was the middle child of 5 and often got left on the backburner herself.
It's these little things that you notice that move you forward in life, I think.
This afternoon the baby is being watched by his dad, and I can't say I'm not a little nervous about his dad's reactions to his screaming, his dad not being not nearly in tune with him as I am. One thing I want to avoid is his dad's accusations towards me or my family, and I hope he realizes that this is just par for the course in kidsville. It's not always laughing, or giggling, or having fun times.
But then, my ex Bozo has never spent extended time caring for a child and doesn't see that. Most of his life, he's been the child who's being taken care of. In fact, just this morning as I was dropping the baby at my exMILs, Bozo was there, eating the breakfast his mom made him.
Oh, the life he leads.
In reference to my quote at the beginning of this post, it relates to how I feel about Bozo. It's not that he doesn't care, it's not that he doesn't have feelings, it's just that he exists in his own selfish world. He is indifferent to the feelings of anyone else but his own, and that's what makes it hard to deal with him even in our divorced lives.
Just some thoughts for the day.
When I was leaving my mom's house on Saturday afternoon, I witnessed something extremely interesting. It was an "aha!" moment where I saw the way things are for the first time after struggling with them for most of my life.
I won't deny that my mom is a loving person. She does have a lot of love in her, however, a while back I had of those moments when you realize your parents DON'T know everything. She means well, but I do believe she has a lot of pain she masks with her actions.
Well, that was a jumbled mess, but let me try to explain by my observations.
The baby, as you all know, is in a stage where he wants to be in control. He'll scream until he gets his way, trying to assert his authority as king of the hill. This is what kids do when they start getting their sea legs and are opening their eyes to the world around him.
What the baby loves to do when he's outside at my parent's house is to take an adult by the hand, lead them to a watering hose, and make them start to water. Adorable, non? He just loves it and the moment you stop watering ... WATCH OUT!
As I was loading our things into my car, my mom was watching him and doing the watering hose thing, and started getting irritated with him because she'd had enough of watering and he clearly hadn't!
He started crying and becoming upset, and it went back and forth for a few minutes between the two of them while I packed and observed. At the end, he was really upset and instead of prolonging the back and forth between grandma and grandson, I picked him up and loaded him in the car. He was tired, and he calmed down sure enough.
Here's the interesting part: my mom, who had previously been irritated with him, comes after me while I'm carrying him away and tries to placate him, "give him to me, let me hold him, it's ok baby, don't cry."
I had to put an end to the cycle of irritability between those two, but in all of it, I saw the bigger picture for the first time, the bigger picture on my mom's actions and things she's done in my life that have bothered me.
She torments, but she has guilt about it. She goads people to the point of hurting their feelings, but she also loves them and doesn't want to see them hurt.
Wow. When I put the pieces on that together, it's like I was lifted above the situation, seeing it from a third-parties perspective.
That's behavior that she's been doing my whole life and she also does it to my sisters. I wonder where it comes from? I have to think that a lot of it comes from unhappiness that she has in her life, happiness she carries over from her own childhood, when she was the middle child of 5 and often got left on the backburner herself.
It's these little things that you notice that move you forward in life, I think.
This afternoon the baby is being watched by his dad, and I can't say I'm not a little nervous about his dad's reactions to his screaming, his dad not being not nearly in tune with him as I am. One thing I want to avoid is his dad's accusations towards me or my family, and I hope he realizes that this is just par for the course in kidsville. It's not always laughing, or giggling, or having fun times.
But then, my ex Bozo has never spent extended time caring for a child and doesn't see that. Most of his life, he's been the child who's being taken care of. In fact, just this morning as I was dropping the baby at my exMILs, Bozo was there, eating the breakfast his mom made him.
Oh, the life he leads.
In reference to my quote at the beginning of this post, it relates to how I feel about Bozo. It's not that he doesn't care, it's not that he doesn't have feelings, it's just that he exists in his own selfish world. He is indifferent to the feelings of anyone else but his own, and that's what makes it hard to deal with him even in our divorced lives.
Just some thoughts for the day.
Monday, February 9, 2009
He chooses weird times to get concerned
Just got a call from the ex, who's at his mom's house while she's watching the baby.
He thinks there's something wrong with the baby -- why does he keep screaming? Did my sister do something to traumatize him?
Um.................................
Yeah.
I reassured him there's nothign wrong with the baby - it's called normal childhood development. This is what kids do. He is perfectly fine around me, he's a very happy baby, trust me, I'm extremely in tune with him (unlike you).
Sent him some child development emails, and his mom agrees with me completely.
He really does choose strange moments to get concerned and fatherly. Don't and never will understand it.
He thinks there's something wrong with the baby -- why does he keep screaming? Did my sister do something to traumatize him?
Um.................................
Yeah.
I reassured him there's nothign wrong with the baby - it's called normal childhood development. This is what kids do. He is perfectly fine around me, he's a very happy baby, trust me, I'm extremely in tune with him (unlike you).
Sent him some child development emails, and his mom agrees with me completely.
He really does choose strange moments to get concerned and fatherly. Don't and never will understand it.
Dear Fashion Gods ...
Can you make it possible for me to acquire this gorgeous frock? I am deeply in love with it. Thank you, anonmom.
Crunchy Granola
I have a confession -- I am a closet crunchy granola type.
Sure, I like to bathe on a regular basis, refuse to practice yoga, and wear deoderant, but there is a side of me who secretly loves yoga and meditation, really wishes I could have a compost pile, is desperate to juice and induldge in supplements, will consider burning nag champa incense (even though it bugs me) and really needs to work on aligning my chakras.
Wouldn't all that be fun?
I don't know, something about being in a cubicle jungle and becoming blinded by flourescent lights calls out the need for that in me. My undergrad university was crunchy granola central, and I really loved it. Acutally, it was the perfect balance of normal/crunch granola. Everyone rode bikes and I did, too, until my beautiful bike got stolen by a chinese bicycle theiving ring, we all recycled, and there was the nightly chanting of kumbaya. Just kidding on the kumbaya, but it's not far off from the point.
I really need a little bit of that in my life and I want my son to be able to appreciate a less-materialistic lifestyle. I've decided that if I do get the chance to take a vacation and have some extra cash, I'm going back home ... back to Northern California to visit my San Francisco, visit my hometown, visit my undergrad university town and get away from my usual here in So. Cal.
It's time, oh it's just time for a vacation. My ex and I NEVER traveled together, except for the one time we went to El Paso, TX, to check things out, when he had the big idea to move there even though he had no job prospects whatsoever. Yeah, right. Hah!
The last time I took a vacation was about 3 years ago at this point ... when my childhood friend who just had a baby got married. I was just as broke then as I am now, and she and her husband paid for my airline tickets and hotel room for one night, which I was so ashamed of at the time. I was never supposed to be as finanacially desolate as this, but at the time things were REALLY bad since I had just stopped working part time in retail and was transitioning to my current office job and it was such a struggle for me to catch up moneywise between the end of being paid there and starting to get paid at the current job.
My intuitive friend keeps telling me that money is temporary, and I agree, but it sure would be nice to have some extra of it when needed. I know that in order to have a little cushion right now, I have to slash costs somewhere, and the only way I can do that is with cheaper rent. Rent, plus car payment, plus utilities, plus loan paybacks, plus medical and consumer debt, plus groceries, is killing me.
In the big picture, I'm really not an overspender ... I have learned to be very careful with impulse purchases, and when all is said and done, my income is just never enough. After the burglary scare of a couple weeks ago, a neighbor and I had talked about moving out to a 2-bedroom together, but she's kind of backed down on that.
So, I'm trying to gather my senses and trying to figure out a way to reduce my rent ... not sure how to do it, but I think with the declining economy, things are going to get better in this are in the near future.
I gotta stay hopeful! I also gotta invest in some Birkenstocks -- it would be good for my chakras.
Sure, I like to bathe on a regular basis, refuse to practice yoga, and wear deoderant, but there is a side of me who secretly loves yoga and meditation, really wishes I could have a compost pile, is desperate to juice and induldge in supplements, will consider burning nag champa incense (even though it bugs me) and really needs to work on aligning my chakras.
Wouldn't all that be fun?
I don't know, something about being in a cubicle jungle and becoming blinded by flourescent lights calls out the need for that in me. My undergrad university was crunchy granola central, and I really loved it. Acutally, it was the perfect balance of normal/crunch granola. Everyone rode bikes and I did, too, until my beautiful bike got stolen by a chinese bicycle theiving ring, we all recycled, and there was the nightly chanting of kumbaya. Just kidding on the kumbaya, but it's not far off from the point.
I really need a little bit of that in my life and I want my son to be able to appreciate a less-materialistic lifestyle. I've decided that if I do get the chance to take a vacation and have some extra cash, I'm going back home ... back to Northern California to visit my San Francisco, visit my hometown, visit my undergrad university town and get away from my usual here in So. Cal.
It's time, oh it's just time for a vacation. My ex and I NEVER traveled together, except for the one time we went to El Paso, TX, to check things out, when he had the big idea to move there even though he had no job prospects whatsoever. Yeah, right. Hah!
The last time I took a vacation was about 3 years ago at this point ... when my childhood friend who just had a baby got married. I was just as broke then as I am now, and she and her husband paid for my airline tickets and hotel room for one night, which I was so ashamed of at the time. I was never supposed to be as finanacially desolate as this, but at the time things were REALLY bad since I had just stopped working part time in retail and was transitioning to my current office job and it was such a struggle for me to catch up moneywise between the end of being paid there and starting to get paid at the current job.
My intuitive friend keeps telling me that money is temporary, and I agree, but it sure would be nice to have some extra of it when needed. I know that in order to have a little cushion right now, I have to slash costs somewhere, and the only way I can do that is with cheaper rent. Rent, plus car payment, plus utilities, plus loan paybacks, plus medical and consumer debt, plus groceries, is killing me.
In the big picture, I'm really not an overspender ... I have learned to be very careful with impulse purchases, and when all is said and done, my income is just never enough. After the burglary scare of a couple weeks ago, a neighbor and I had talked about moving out to a 2-bedroom together, but she's kind of backed down on that.
So, I'm trying to gather my senses and trying to figure out a way to reduce my rent ... not sure how to do it, but I think with the declining economy, things are going to get better in this are in the near future.
I gotta stay hopeful! I also gotta invest in some Birkenstocks -- it would be good for my chakras.
I need 48 hours in the day ... an overview of my Sunday afternoon
So, when I went to pick up the baby from his afternoon with his dad, I avoided any tension between my ex and exFIL by basically sweeping the baby out as fast as I could, ignoring exFIL's complaints, and making it as seamless as possible.
Whew. ExFIL is P.O'd big time, but again, it's just not my problem and I won't let him put any of his stress on me, because I just don't need it. ExMIL was at work, so she wasn't around to diffuse the tension.
The evening with the baby went swimmingly ... putting away his infant gymnasium has had one great side effect already ... I have so much more room in the living room and the baby loved running across it, dancing across it, and running his cars through it. I was considering putting his ikea kids table in the middle, but I think having that extra space for him to roam about is a better idea.
Considering how the day went, I got a lot of cooking done early in the day. Didn't make everything I wanted, but I can do that tomorrow. I have my flax seed muffins done, made the Pioneer Woman's cauliflower soup (mmmmm!!!) and I have a refrigerator and freezer full of stuff to take to work this week, which is one of the greatest feelings ever.
I'd netflixed You Can't Mess With the Zohan, hoping for a good laugh, but I am sorry to say it pretty much disappointed all around. Sorry, Adam! I couldn't take much of it, so I turned to Hulu.com and laughed and laughed and laughed over the latest 30 Rock. OMG, I love this episode ... it's so witty and features John Hamm, one of the best looking actors out there.
So now, it's nearing 1 am and I'm wondering how it got to be this late? I still have tons of stuff to do ... I need to finish my taxes, need to clean, need to fix the smudges on the nails I just painted. How do I go about arranging having an extra few hours in my day???
Please advise.
Whew. ExFIL is P.O'd big time, but again, it's just not my problem and I won't let him put any of his stress on me, because I just don't need it. ExMIL was at work, so she wasn't around to diffuse the tension.
The evening with the baby went swimmingly ... putting away his infant gymnasium has had one great side effect already ... I have so much more room in the living room and the baby loved running across it, dancing across it, and running his cars through it. I was considering putting his ikea kids table in the middle, but I think having that extra space for him to roam about is a better idea.
Considering how the day went, I got a lot of cooking done early in the day. Didn't make everything I wanted, but I can do that tomorrow. I have my flax seed muffins done, made the Pioneer Woman's cauliflower soup (mmmmm!!!) and I have a refrigerator and freezer full of stuff to take to work this week, which is one of the greatest feelings ever.
I'd netflixed You Can't Mess With the Zohan, hoping for a good laugh, but I am sorry to say it pretty much disappointed all around. Sorry, Adam! I couldn't take much of it, so I turned to Hulu.com and laughed and laughed and laughed over the latest 30 Rock. OMG, I love this episode ... it's so witty and features John Hamm, one of the best looking actors out there.
So now, it's nearing 1 am and I'm wondering how it got to be this late? I still have tons of stuff to do ... I need to finish my taxes, need to clean, need to fix the smudges on the nails I just painted. How do I go about arranging having an extra few hours in my day???
Please advise.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
How AM I doing?
Today, while running errands, I received a phone call from my friend who just had a baby. She is doing really well, baby is doing great, and her husband won't let her change a single diaper. She is a blessed gal. :)
In the middle of our phone call and in the midst of my excited questions for her, she did some thing that hasn't happened in a long, long time, and thinking about it makes me want to cry ...
"Anonmom, I have a whole new level of respect for you as a single mom. Tell me, how are YOU doing?"
The fact that she asked me makes me love her a zillion times more.
Truthfully, I don't really know how to answer that question and stumbled with a response. I have a canned response that satisfies most of the people who ask me at work -- "I'm great! The baby is getting so big!" The friends I'm in contact with on a regular basis know what's going on via my blog.
But, I really don't have an easy way to respond to someone who truly cares what is going on with my life .... I guess I'm doing good. I'm sad sometimes, worried most of the time, exhausted ... and hopeful for a better future.
Maybe I should write that down on a post-it and carry it around with me.
In the middle of our phone call and in the midst of my excited questions for her, she did some thing that hasn't happened in a long, long time, and thinking about it makes me want to cry ...
"Anonmom, I have a whole new level of respect for you as a single mom. Tell me, how are YOU doing?"
The fact that she asked me makes me love her a zillion times more.
Truthfully, I don't really know how to answer that question and stumbled with a response. I have a canned response that satisfies most of the people who ask me at work -- "I'm great! The baby is getting so big!" The friends I'm in contact with on a regular basis know what's going on via my blog.
But, I really don't have an easy way to respond to someone who truly cares what is going on with my life .... I guess I'm doing good. I'm sad sometimes, worried most of the time, exhausted ... and hopeful for a better future.
Maybe I should write that down on a post-it and carry it around with me.
Why always with the drama?
It's one of those every-other-week Sundays when the baby is spending his 5 hours with his dad. I always drop him off at my exMIL's house, because we agreed to that, and usually that's fine.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
I say usually, because lately my ex has been spending way too much time there for exFIL's liking (that's his step-dad), even though my ex has a place of his own with two roomates. It hasn't been confirmed, but I have a sneaking suspicion my ex has a new job in the community college where he tutors. By the way, thanks, baby, for spilling his paperwork on the floor, thus eliminating my need to do any kind of intense sleuthing.
All I really know is that he's there apparently 8-9 days a week, according to exFIL and it's driving exFIL nuts. I don't blame him, but that's an extra round of stress other people are pushing on me.
All my stress is acquired stress. People, in general, don't want to deal with their problems, but they like to push it on what they think are willing vicitims, i.e., me. The only person in my life who doesn't put their stress on me is my exMIL, and that's because she's a highly evolved angel.
Every time I've seen my exFIL lately, all he does is complain about my ex -- great, fine, but THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM! I'm just following court orders here, dropping him off so he can visit with his son and maybe I can get two seconds for myself that don't involve being around loogie hocking, cabinet door slamming, baby whining, being ignored, being pressured by my own family, or being stuck in traffic for hours on end.
I mean, really, is it too much to ask? As I left this afternoon after putting the baby to sleep, exFIL yells after me, "Don't be gone too long, it's really too much for me."
Ugh, ugh, ugh.,
All exFIL does is sit in the garage all day. His friends come over. He has pleasant conversation with them. Yes, ex is stinky as hell (he really is, I got a whiff of him today and peee yew) and annoying as hell, but again, THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM!
This morning I woke up with a stress-induced headache and it only doubled by the time I left. It was pedicure day, so I left to get one and when the tech asked me if I wanted an extended massage, I had no problem saying yes. She must have had some Reiki training, because it was the best massage I've had in a long time and my headache? Totally gone. Stress? Totally gone.
Now, I'm sneaking in a few minutes at home because it's been requested that I go pick up the baby early.
Off to the lions. Wish me luck.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
I say usually, because lately my ex has been spending way too much time there for exFIL's liking (that's his step-dad), even though my ex has a place of his own with two roomates. It hasn't been confirmed, but I have a sneaking suspicion my ex has a new job in the community college where he tutors. By the way, thanks, baby, for spilling his paperwork on the floor, thus eliminating my need to do any kind of intense sleuthing.
All I really know is that he's there apparently 8-9 days a week, according to exFIL and it's driving exFIL nuts. I don't blame him, but that's an extra round of stress other people are pushing on me.
All my stress is acquired stress. People, in general, don't want to deal with their problems, but they like to push it on what they think are willing vicitims, i.e., me. The only person in my life who doesn't put their stress on me is my exMIL, and that's because she's a highly evolved angel.
Every time I've seen my exFIL lately, all he does is complain about my ex -- great, fine, but THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM! I'm just following court orders here, dropping him off so he can visit with his son and maybe I can get two seconds for myself that don't involve being around loogie hocking, cabinet door slamming, baby whining, being ignored, being pressured by my own family, or being stuck in traffic for hours on end.
I mean, really, is it too much to ask? As I left this afternoon after putting the baby to sleep, exFIL yells after me, "Don't be gone too long, it's really too much for me."
Ugh, ugh, ugh.,
All exFIL does is sit in the garage all day. His friends come over. He has pleasant conversation with them. Yes, ex is stinky as hell (he really is, I got a whiff of him today and peee yew) and annoying as hell, but again, THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM!
This morning I woke up with a stress-induced headache and it only doubled by the time I left. It was pedicure day, so I left to get one and when the tech asked me if I wanted an extended massage, I had no problem saying yes. She must have had some Reiki training, because it was the best massage I've had in a long time and my headache? Totally gone. Stress? Totally gone.
Now, I'm sneaking in a few minutes at home because it's been requested that I go pick up the baby early.
Off to the lions. Wish me luck.
A Sentimental Mommy
Today I did something very sad for me, but long overdue ... I put the baby's infant gymnasium away, which is something I've long been avoiding even though he outgrew it months ago.
Although my living room isn't that big, I was content to have it smack dab in the middle, collecting dust and acting as an impromptu toy chest. But, I realized that it was finally time and the baby doesn't even play with the toys I put on the gymnasium mat, so bye bye birdie.
And, to my surprise, as I was disassembling it, I had a little cry. Why? Because my baby is growing up ... he is a full-fledged toddler now and while that's GREAT, it is just another sign that time flies by. Also, I don't know if or when I'll ever have another baby ... no sibling to pass it down to. One of the single mom conundrums.
Ah, children.
Although my living room isn't that big, I was content to have it smack dab in the middle, collecting dust and acting as an impromptu toy chest. But, I realized that it was finally time and the baby doesn't even play with the toys I put on the gymnasium mat, so bye bye birdie.
And, to my surprise, as I was disassembling it, I had a little cry. Why? Because my baby is growing up ... he is a full-fledged toddler now and while that's GREAT, it is just another sign that time flies by. Also, I don't know if or when I'll ever have another baby ... no sibling to pass it down to. One of the single mom conundrums.
Ah, children.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A changed woman ...
Yesterday, a friend sent me two frantic emails -- look, look! Smack Cosmetics has teamed up with Hello Kitty! OMG! OMG! OMG!
My response: "Meh."
I could sense her disappointment, but the truth is, I just don't care about makeup that much anymore, which is a major contrast to my younger, spendy ways. The OLD me would have been first in line, would have bought mulitple sets of the makeup collection, and would have stored my backups in a cool, dry location.
Makeup was my escape from my humdrum, pressure-filled life at my parent's house. It was one little indulgence I could afford, and could hide easily, as opposed to alcohol or drugs or another kind of obsession.
I guess my lack of interest is something to be proud of ... I don't NEED it in my life anymore and there are other things that bring me satisfaction, which is a GOOD thing. As for makeup, I still love the collection I have, I still buy it occasionally, but I don't see why a new glitzy collection is cause for me to have a hernia while trying to decide how I'm going to get the money together to buy it.
Plus, I'd rather buy shoes. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
My response: "Meh."
I could sense her disappointment, but the truth is, I just don't care about makeup that much anymore, which is a major contrast to my younger, spendy ways. The OLD me would have been first in line, would have bought mulitple sets of the makeup collection, and would have stored my backups in a cool, dry location.
Makeup was my escape from my humdrum, pressure-filled life at my parent's house. It was one little indulgence I could afford, and could hide easily, as opposed to alcohol or drugs or another kind of obsession.
I guess my lack of interest is something to be proud of ... I don't NEED it in my life anymore and there are other things that bring me satisfaction, which is a GOOD thing. As for makeup, I still love the collection I have, I still buy it occasionally, but I don't see why a new glitzy collection is cause for me to have a hernia while trying to decide how I'm going to get the money together to buy it.
Plus, I'd rather buy shoes. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Good news!
One of my oldest and dearest friends has given birth to her first daughter! :) :) :)
In general, it's a little weird and awe-inspiring to see your friends that you've known for so long go through marriages, babies, buying houses, and generally growing up. In a lot of ways, I don't *feel* like a woman in her 30's, but I am and it is really the most amazing feeling to see the kids you joked around with in high school having their own kids.
When I met my friend, I had just transfered to public high school after a disasterous first semester of 9th grade in Catholic high school, and she was friends with my elementary school friend who also attended the high school.
We were just surface friendly with each other until one day in English class she took the chance of passing me a note that said, "When are you having Moochie McMoocherson's devil child?"
And from there, a deep friendship was born. We followed each other to university, stayed in contact after, and I ended up pinch hitting as the makeup artist for her wedding to her college sweetheart. They are each other's first and only loves and will be together forever. :) A sweet, sweet story.
I was the first to get married at 26, I was the first to have a baby at 28, and I was the first to get divorced at 29. I always wanted to be first at everything with my high school group of friends, even though I was dead last at losing my virginity, but that's a WHOLE other long story!
Maybe I'll be the first to get re-married???
In any event, I am so extremely happy for my friends. They have a beautiful little girl and she will be the light of their lives. Another girlfriend for my little guy! :)
In general, it's a little weird and awe-inspiring to see your friends that you've known for so long go through marriages, babies, buying houses, and generally growing up. In a lot of ways, I don't *feel* like a woman in her 30's, but I am and it is really the most amazing feeling to see the kids you joked around with in high school having their own kids.
When I met my friend, I had just transfered to public high school after a disasterous first semester of 9th grade in Catholic high school, and she was friends with my elementary school friend who also attended the high school.
We were just surface friendly with each other until one day in English class she took the chance of passing me a note that said, "When are you having Moochie McMoocherson's devil child?"
And from there, a deep friendship was born. We followed each other to university, stayed in contact after, and I ended up pinch hitting as the makeup artist for her wedding to her college sweetheart. They are each other's first and only loves and will be together forever. :) A sweet, sweet story.
I was the first to get married at 26, I was the first to have a baby at 28, and I was the first to get divorced at 29. I always wanted to be first at everything with my high school group of friends, even though I was dead last at losing my virginity, but that's a WHOLE other long story!
Maybe I'll be the first to get re-married???
In any event, I am so extremely happy for my friends. They have a beautiful little girl and she will be the light of their lives. Another girlfriend for my little guy! :)
His Majesty ...
... has all of a sudden decided he wants NOTHING to do with his crib and has been sleeping full-time with me in the last couple of nights.
Not that I mind, but I do worry about him falling off the bed, which HAS happened a couple of times despite the guard rail on the sides.
Last night when I got home to my parent's at 7:15 pm or so, he was the cutest I've seen him ... dressed like a hobo baby, as usual @ my parent's (neither of them has any sense of style), but had the sweetest smile I'd seen all day, and it was so good to see him and spend a couple of hours with him.
I wonder, sometimes, what he thinks about me -- am I just this nice visiting lady who reads him books, cuddles with him, and puts him to sleep? Does he know me as his mommy?
I wish I could tell.
Not that I mind, but I do worry about him falling off the bed, which HAS happened a couple of times despite the guard rail on the sides.
Last night when I got home to my parent's at 7:15 pm or so, he was the cutest I've seen him ... dressed like a hobo baby, as usual @ my parent's (neither of them has any sense of style), but had the sweetest smile I'd seen all day, and it was so good to see him and spend a couple of hours with him.
I wonder, sometimes, what he thinks about me -- am I just this nice visiting lady who reads him books, cuddles with him, and puts him to sleep? Does he know me as his mommy?
I wish I could tell.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A little on the crazy side
Not wasting any time, the single mom of the octuplets born late last month has given her first interview to NBCs Ann Curry, trying to explain the reason she is a single mom of 14 kids.
Interestingly enough, she's a grad student in counseling at my grad school. She's also given conflicting reports about her childhood and her mental health. The publicist she hired claimed that after the world heard from her, we'd fall in love with her. Honestly, after reading this article it makes me think "cukoo bin".
She's unemployed, she says she's battled with depression and wanted a large family because she grew up as an only child. She also divorced her husband because she didn't want to inflict her depression on him. But it's ok to inflict your depression on your 14 kids????
Ok, I grew up as an only child for a large part of my life, but that doesn't mean I am running to find a sperm donor to repopulate the world. It reminds me of that Michael Scott quote from the tv show "The Office", where the child-version of his self says he wants to have 100 children so he can have 100 friends.
As much as I love children, as much as I love single parents, the thing about this mother that strikes a nerve in me is the fact that there are thousands upon thousands of children in this world who are parentless. There are thousands of kids in the US foster system alone waiting to be adopted.
Selfish much?
I'm interested to see what California Medical Board says when they're done investigating her doctor.
Interestingly enough, she's a grad student in counseling at my grad school. She's also given conflicting reports about her childhood and her mental health. The publicist she hired claimed that after the world heard from her, we'd fall in love with her. Honestly, after reading this article it makes me think "cukoo bin".
She's unemployed, she says she's battled with depression and wanted a large family because she grew up as an only child. She also divorced her husband because she didn't want to inflict her depression on him. But it's ok to inflict your depression on your 14 kids????
Ok, I grew up as an only child for a large part of my life, but that doesn't mean I am running to find a sperm donor to repopulate the world. It reminds me of that Michael Scott quote from the tv show "The Office", where the child-version of his self says he wants to have 100 children so he can have 100 friends.
As much as I love children, as much as I love single parents, the thing about this mother that strikes a nerve in me is the fact that there are thousands upon thousands of children in this world who are parentless. There are thousands of kids in the US foster system alone waiting to be adopted.
Selfish much?
I'm interested to see what California Medical Board says when they're done investigating her doctor.
Sorry, I don't have the time...
Ever since I went back to work from maternity leave, I've made it to the gym around the corner from my office at least once a week during my lunches. It's the least I can do for my health, considering I've all but given up on my formerly strict diet (don't tell anyone about the Toblerone I consumed in the last 2 days - lets just blame PMS) and I don't have the time to commit to the six days a week I used to spend at the gym.
Yeah, six days a week, 2 hours a day -- totally insane, but I LOVED every single second of it. I also had a lot more time on my hands. And no life, apparently!
Ever since I became serious about my health in my mid-20s, I've really enjoyed being at the gym and I manage to ignore the fact that it's a germ factory and just make sure to avoid the showers and wash my hands at every occassion.
Now that I am a working mom and living a crazy life, my trips to the gym are sporadic, but a MUST-DO... while my workout has changed and I'm not as neurotic about it anymore, I really enjoy doing my thing and getting the tension out of my system.
In the time I've been going to the gym, there has always been one yahoo or another who has decided that I, in my crunchy, sweaty, old gym clothes, headband, with a full face of makeup and jewelry (so tacky, but I really don't have the time to worry about that!) glory is cute.
I'm not trying to flatter myself, but it's true, and the other part of the truth is that these yahoos are rarely cute themselves. They're like the lowest common denominator at the gym and it's just my bad luck that my crunchy, sweaty self has caught their attention. There was one who didn't seem to realize I was massively pregnant and entirely swollen, and that was pretty interesting, especially when I ran into him at Costco a few months ago. Maybe he had a pregnancy fetish?
This time around, there is one fellow who not only spends his time staring my chubby, sweaty self down, he has taken to copying me. I mean it -- I started wearing a headband, he started wearing a headband. I used to do all cardio and moved to just weights, and he did the same. It's creepy and I wish he would stop because honestly, I'm just not interested in him. Not to mention, he's had over a year to come and SAY something to me, which counts much more than eyeing my arm curls and aping my sweat bands. Sorry, but I just don't have the time for this kind of crapola. I really don't and I don't need it or want it and wish he would stop interrupting my 20 minutes of attempting to find zen.
In a similar vein, my ex Bozo is still sending me sweet nothings via text and instant messages ... the baby has a wonderful mommy, he says. He looks just like his beautiful mommy, is another dinger.
These I easily ignore and erase. That's nice that he feels that he needs to voice all these things, but again, I just don't have the time for this fuckery. The words don't mean anything to me ... if anything, they just make me mad and remind me of his failures as a man, husband, and father.
Today of all days was entirely the wrong day for him to send me one of these dingers ... it's a Thursday, meaning it's an extra long commute day, and instead of making me feel good about things, it only reminded me that because of his refusal to support me and my child both when we were married and now with the puny child support, I lose 4 hours a day with my child two days a week and instead of spending it with him, I'm driving through torrential rains and desperately trying to not get into a car accident from falling asleep at the wheel.
That's another thing ... I just don't have time for my crazy commute. It's bad enough to actually have to do it, I come home to my mom asking me, "Why didn't you come earlier?"
Well, lets see ... torrential rains, massive flooding, it's Southern California and people generally don't know how to drive when it's not sunny outside ... and yes, I did have a good day at work, thanks for asking and caring ... NOT!
I really don't have time for THAT!!!!
Yeah, six days a week, 2 hours a day -- totally insane, but I LOVED every single second of it. I also had a lot more time on my hands. And no life, apparently!
Ever since I became serious about my health in my mid-20s, I've really enjoyed being at the gym and I manage to ignore the fact that it's a germ factory and just make sure to avoid the showers and wash my hands at every occassion.
Now that I am a working mom and living a crazy life, my trips to the gym are sporadic, but a MUST-DO... while my workout has changed and I'm not as neurotic about it anymore, I really enjoy doing my thing and getting the tension out of my system.
In the time I've been going to the gym, there has always been one yahoo or another who has decided that I, in my crunchy, sweaty, old gym clothes, headband, with a full face of makeup and jewelry (so tacky, but I really don't have the time to worry about that!) glory is cute.
I'm not trying to flatter myself, but it's true, and the other part of the truth is that these yahoos are rarely cute themselves. They're like the lowest common denominator at the gym and it's just my bad luck that my crunchy, sweaty self has caught their attention. There was one who didn't seem to realize I was massively pregnant and entirely swollen, and that was pretty interesting, especially when I ran into him at Costco a few months ago. Maybe he had a pregnancy fetish?
This time around, there is one fellow who not only spends his time staring my chubby, sweaty self down, he has taken to copying me. I mean it -- I started wearing a headband, he started wearing a headband. I used to do all cardio and moved to just weights, and he did the same. It's creepy and I wish he would stop because honestly, I'm just not interested in him. Not to mention, he's had over a year to come and SAY something to me, which counts much more than eyeing my arm curls and aping my sweat bands. Sorry, but I just don't have the time for this kind of crapola. I really don't and I don't need it or want it and wish he would stop interrupting my 20 minutes of attempting to find zen.
In a similar vein, my ex Bozo is still sending me sweet nothings via text and instant messages ... the baby has a wonderful mommy, he says. He looks just like his beautiful mommy, is another dinger.
These I easily ignore and erase. That's nice that he feels that he needs to voice all these things, but again, I just don't have the time for this fuckery. The words don't mean anything to me ... if anything, they just make me mad and remind me of his failures as a man, husband, and father.
Today of all days was entirely the wrong day for him to send me one of these dingers ... it's a Thursday, meaning it's an extra long commute day, and instead of making me feel good about things, it only reminded me that because of his refusal to support me and my child both when we were married and now with the puny child support, I lose 4 hours a day with my child two days a week and instead of spending it with him, I'm driving through torrential rains and desperately trying to not get into a car accident from falling asleep at the wheel.
That's another thing ... I just don't have time for my crazy commute. It's bad enough to actually have to do it, I come home to my mom asking me, "Why didn't you come earlier?"
Well, lets see ... torrential rains, massive flooding, it's Southern California and people generally don't know how to drive when it's not sunny outside ... and yes, I did have a good day at work, thanks for asking and caring ... NOT!
I really don't have time for THAT!!!!
Part 1 of Mission Accomplished
When I set out to take the mommy/son photos with a pro photog in early January, I did it with a couple of things in mind.
1. Get a decent shot of me and the baby together, since I'm always the photog at home and the pro photos we took in July made me look like Jabba the Hut, and
2. Have material for gifts to give to my mom and exMIL, to thank them for taking care of the baby free-of-charge.
Done, and DONE!
Thanks to a fabulous 2 for 1 deal, I uploaded, created, and ordered 2 photo books via MyPublisher from the photos and they arrived yesterday, much to my excitement and delight. The final product is AMAZING and I was so excited about it, I decided to give them to the grandmas for Valentine's Day instead of their birthdays in March.
I was SO excited (and having a hard time not spilling the beans) that I wrapped my exMIL's present and gave it to her yesterday, over a week in advance of V Day. I told her to open it so she could show it to her mom, who is an hour away, before Valentine's Day.
Her reaction? The best ever ... totally and absolutely worth giving it to her in advance. She gave me a huge hug, cried and couldn't put the book down. Her husband loved it, too. He and the baby have a very special bond with each other.
Yipee!!!! I'm going to wait until next week to give my mom her photos, and can't wait to put them up on Facebook, which I can't do because my mom and siblings both see mine. I know she'll love it and be completely surprised, which is what I'm going for in all of this. :)
I love surprising people in good ways.
:)
1. Get a decent shot of me and the baby together, since I'm always the photog at home and the pro photos we took in July made me look like Jabba the Hut, and
2. Have material for gifts to give to my mom and exMIL, to thank them for taking care of the baby free-of-charge.
Done, and DONE!
Thanks to a fabulous 2 for 1 deal, I uploaded, created, and ordered 2 photo books via MyPublisher from the photos and they arrived yesterday, much to my excitement and delight. The final product is AMAZING and I was so excited about it, I decided to give them to the grandmas for Valentine's Day instead of their birthdays in March.
I was SO excited (and having a hard time not spilling the beans) that I wrapped my exMIL's present and gave it to her yesterday, over a week in advance of V Day. I told her to open it so she could show it to her mom, who is an hour away, before Valentine's Day.
Her reaction? The best ever ... totally and absolutely worth giving it to her in advance. She gave me a huge hug, cried and couldn't put the book down. Her husband loved it, too. He and the baby have a very special bond with each other.
Yipee!!!! I'm going to wait until next week to give my mom her photos, and can't wait to put them up on Facebook, which I can't do because my mom and siblings both see mine. I know she'll love it and be completely surprised, which is what I'm going for in all of this. :)
I love surprising people in good ways.
:)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Energy
News flash: according to my horribly annoying cubicle mate (she of the silent treatment, constant self-snickers and all day long cabinet slamming), the grass isn't always greener on the other side. That is, according to a self-made sign she's made and posted prominently in her cubicle.
Oh, really?
I beg to differ. If the grass weren't always greener, I would be married, still, possibly living in another state, still completely miserable, and not any better for it.
She's young and has a lot to learn, but it takes a lot of effort for me to not go up to her cubicle and not make corrections to her sign. It also takes me a lot of effort not to scream, "F- YOU YOU STUPID BEYOTCH!" every time she violently slams her cabinets, which is several times a day.
I am a lesson in discipline.
One of my favorite self-help books ever is The Celestine Prophecy -- it's a good lesson in how people work, how people use their energy to manipulate situations and in the decade that I've known about it, it's helped me have a better perspective on life, generally speaking.
Today I encountered that co-worker I spoke about many months ago. The man who is caught in a bad relationship with his baby mama and is completely miserable and yet will do nothing about it except complain. Now, I do a lot of complaining myself, but I am NOT one to sit and wallow in my misery and I won't do things to pass along that misery to others, which is what he did to me for a good month until I cut him off. Rudely, but it had to be done.
The Celestine Prophecy has one chapter about dramas ... about how people create dramas in order to force their bad energy on others ... drag everyone into their sinking ship, per se. That's what I got today when I passed the co-worker in the hall briefly. He gave me a fake smile with a fake squint and I gasped because it was a fake smile full of venom that really scared me. I feel sorry for him, but I am so not going there anymore because life is too short to take on the negativity that other people don't want to deal with! It's not mine nor anyone else's job to deal with his problems, and I hope one day he understands that.
Who wants to live with that kind of energy?
In other self-help book news, I recently dug up my copy of The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. A dear online friend suggested it to me recently and I'm glad she did! When I first read it, I was in the thick of drama between me and my parents. It was beyond time for me to leave their home, they were trying to hold me there, and yet I was rebelling against that every step of the way. I was 25 at the time.
The book is a must-read for those of us on a path to enlightenment and I'm picking up so much from it this second time around. Life IS difficult, as he says, and our job is to understand and accept this.
One of the first chapters is about parenting ... how children need love, not just words, but they need to be SHOWN love by their parents and that is ultimately what matters in life.
From the book: "The feeling of being valuable - 'I am a valuable person' - is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood...."
Now that I'm a parent, this is so profound to me, and it reassures me that I'm doing the right thing by raising my son as a single mom. If I'd stayed with his dad, love would surely have been on the backburner. I would have been more concerned with the drama of dealing with his father and put my concerns and love for him way down on my list.
Reading that section took me back years and years and years ago to the moment when I gave up on my parents. As I've mentioned before, they're well-intentioned, but completely and uttererly clueless as to how to deal with me. It didn't help matters that they had 2 kids when I was 11 and 12, which was exactly when I needed them the most. I was on the backburner, and stayed on the backburner, and for so many reasons I just do not have an emotional connection with them and really never will.
The moment of complete disconnect happened when I was 14. I'd already been on the backburner for years and was a complete and total mess of an adolescent. I had acquired 2 eating disorders, was so ashamed of my unruly curls, was desperate to fit in with the cool kids at school, and was locked in the house by my parents, not allowed to go out and rarely allowed to hang out with friends.
One day, my mom took me to the orthodontist, which I'd been begging her to do because I'd had a tooth removed and it left a weird gap and I wanted it to get fixed. The orthodontist told us that my jaws were misaligned, and it would be to my benefit to have braces, because at some point down the road I would suffer from it. My mom refused, and I left entirely disappointed for obvious reasons.
That same day, my parents, who had just a few years earlier built a brand new house, went to a new development with me (sans siblings, for once) and put down a $2000 deposit for a lot. The exact amount the braces would have cost. I couldn't believe it. That was the ultimate betrayal and I remember writing in my diary something like -- "I can't believe they're being so selfish and choosing a piece of property over my health."
I spent the rest of the afternoon with them silently crying. Being that I was in the midst of my raging adolescence, they were used to stuff like this, but this time it was different. "Why are you crying? Please, just tell us why you're crying?"
And I couldn't. They were beyond telling anything and ever since then, I haven't. Except for this blog, I really don't tell anyone in my real life my problems, in fact, I'm more of the friend who listens to people's problems but rarely volunteer my own. There are just a couple of people in my life who know what's going on and who care enough to listen.
You know what hurt the most? Just a handful of years later, BOTH of my siblings got braces! WTF was THAT all about?
As a result of all this life pain and years of self-help, I have to say with full conviction that it's made me a very good parent and my hope in life is that this continues, that I always show love to my son. He deserves it.
Oh, really?
I beg to differ. If the grass weren't always greener, I would be married, still, possibly living in another state, still completely miserable, and not any better for it.
She's young and has a lot to learn, but it takes a lot of effort for me to not go up to her cubicle and not make corrections to her sign. It also takes me a lot of effort not to scream, "F- YOU YOU STUPID BEYOTCH!" every time she violently slams her cabinets, which is several times a day.
I am a lesson in discipline.
One of my favorite self-help books ever is The Celestine Prophecy -- it's a good lesson in how people work, how people use their energy to manipulate situations and in the decade that I've known about it, it's helped me have a better perspective on life, generally speaking.
Today I encountered that co-worker I spoke about many months ago. The man who is caught in a bad relationship with his baby mama and is completely miserable and yet will do nothing about it except complain. Now, I do a lot of complaining myself, but I am NOT one to sit and wallow in my misery and I won't do things to pass along that misery to others, which is what he did to me for a good month until I cut him off. Rudely, but it had to be done.
The Celestine Prophecy has one chapter about dramas ... about how people create dramas in order to force their bad energy on others ... drag everyone into their sinking ship, per se. That's what I got today when I passed the co-worker in the hall briefly. He gave me a fake smile with a fake squint and I gasped because it was a fake smile full of venom that really scared me. I feel sorry for him, but I am so not going there anymore because life is too short to take on the negativity that other people don't want to deal with! It's not mine nor anyone else's job to deal with his problems, and I hope one day he understands that.
Who wants to live with that kind of energy?
In other self-help book news, I recently dug up my copy of The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. A dear online friend suggested it to me recently and I'm glad she did! When I first read it, I was in the thick of drama between me and my parents. It was beyond time for me to leave their home, they were trying to hold me there, and yet I was rebelling against that every step of the way. I was 25 at the time.
The book is a must-read for those of us on a path to enlightenment and I'm picking up so much from it this second time around. Life IS difficult, as he says, and our job is to understand and accept this.
One of the first chapters is about parenting ... how children need love, not just words, but they need to be SHOWN love by their parents and that is ultimately what matters in life.
From the book: "The feeling of being valuable - 'I am a valuable person' - is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood...."
Now that I'm a parent, this is so profound to me, and it reassures me that I'm doing the right thing by raising my son as a single mom. If I'd stayed with his dad, love would surely have been on the backburner. I would have been more concerned with the drama of dealing with his father and put my concerns and love for him way down on my list.
Reading that section took me back years and years and years ago to the moment when I gave up on my parents. As I've mentioned before, they're well-intentioned, but completely and uttererly clueless as to how to deal with me. It didn't help matters that they had 2 kids when I was 11 and 12, which was exactly when I needed them the most. I was on the backburner, and stayed on the backburner, and for so many reasons I just do not have an emotional connection with them and really never will.
The moment of complete disconnect happened when I was 14. I'd already been on the backburner for years and was a complete and total mess of an adolescent. I had acquired 2 eating disorders, was so ashamed of my unruly curls, was desperate to fit in with the cool kids at school, and was locked in the house by my parents, not allowed to go out and rarely allowed to hang out with friends.
One day, my mom took me to the orthodontist, which I'd been begging her to do because I'd had a tooth removed and it left a weird gap and I wanted it to get fixed. The orthodontist told us that my jaws were misaligned, and it would be to my benefit to have braces, because at some point down the road I would suffer from it. My mom refused, and I left entirely disappointed for obvious reasons.
That same day, my parents, who had just a few years earlier built a brand new house, went to a new development with me (sans siblings, for once) and put down a $2000 deposit for a lot. The exact amount the braces would have cost. I couldn't believe it. That was the ultimate betrayal and I remember writing in my diary something like -- "I can't believe they're being so selfish and choosing a piece of property over my health."
I spent the rest of the afternoon with them silently crying. Being that I was in the midst of my raging adolescence, they were used to stuff like this, but this time it was different. "Why are you crying? Please, just tell us why you're crying?"
And I couldn't. They were beyond telling anything and ever since then, I haven't. Except for this blog, I really don't tell anyone in my real life my problems, in fact, I'm more of the friend who listens to people's problems but rarely volunteer my own. There are just a couple of people in my life who know what's going on and who care enough to listen.
You know what hurt the most? Just a handful of years later, BOTH of my siblings got braces! WTF was THAT all about?
As a result of all this life pain and years of self-help, I have to say with full conviction that it's made me a very good parent and my hope in life is that this continues, that I always show love to my son. He deserves it.
Something Different
This morning, I did something I haven't done in years. Literally, maybe a year plus at this point.
I took a shower on a workweek morning. And it was the best thing to happen to me lately.
Sounds silly, but it really did something for me to be able to shower in the morning rather than late at night. I had planned to take a long, hair-washing shower last night, but my plan to give the baby a bottle to help him sleep through my shower failed miserably, and I was up with him until about 3 am or so. Him refusing to go to his crib, tumbling across my bed and giggling, and me catching a few z's while holidng on to his leg.
We have a system. It works. Sometime.
So, I finally went to sleep for good at 4:30 am, woke up at 6:40 am, tumbled in for a quick shower, and then baby woke up and we were on our way. I feel good and now that the baby is older and more self-sufficient (he has been for quite some time), I don't see why I can't do more of these morning showers, at least when I'm at my place and not my mom's (where I have to wake up much earlier).
It's the little things....
I took a shower on a workweek morning. And it was the best thing to happen to me lately.
Sounds silly, but it really did something for me to be able to shower in the morning rather than late at night. I had planned to take a long, hair-washing shower last night, but my plan to give the baby a bottle to help him sleep through my shower failed miserably, and I was up with him until about 3 am or so. Him refusing to go to his crib, tumbling across my bed and giggling, and me catching a few z's while holidng on to his leg.
We have a system. It works. Sometime.
So, I finally went to sleep for good at 4:30 am, woke up at 6:40 am, tumbled in for a quick shower, and then baby woke up and we were on our way. I feel good and now that the baby is older and more self-sufficient (he has been for quite some time), I don't see why I can't do more of these morning showers, at least when I'm at my place and not my mom's (where I have to wake up much earlier).
It's the little things....
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Octuplet's Mom
MSNBC is reporting that the single mom of six who gave birth to octuplets isn't getting a lot of sympathy from the public, nor are the usual donations for multiples of food, housing, and diapers pouring in.
Her rep claims the public will like her once we hear her complete story.
For the record, knowing the limited information we know about her, I think she is completely ridiculous. The creation of human life is not a game.
Her rep claims the public will like her once we hear her complete story.
For the record, knowing the limited information we know about her, I think she is completely ridiculous. The creation of human life is not a game.
A trip down memory lane
Before I get to my perks and new insights, a few thoughts popped into my head while I was just putting the baby to sleep.
For some reason, my memories went back to the time when my ex had left me for the first time, hopped on a plane with a one-way ticket to Lebanon with the promise to return and a subsequent email telling me he was never coming back.
A few months into his stay, he started emailing me again, telling me about his life there, his women, etc. I would reply with hate-filled letters, telling him that I was so much better off without him, and then one day he replied with an email telling me he was going to get married to his girlfriend as soon as we were officially unmarried.
I didn't cry when I first read that ... I felt a surge of anger, got up, took the wedding album I'd kept for some reason when I purged his belongings from our place, walked down to the dumpster, and trashed it. Then, I went back and cried and cried and cried. Called my exMIL and cried on the phone with her. She's good people, you know, for listening to me cry pretty much all the time for the six months he was gone.
Looking back, I wasn't crying so much for him as for the loss of my innocence. Wham, bash, boom ... there it was, in pieces right before my eyes. The end of my doey-eyed beliefs in love, that it WAS possible to have a whirlwind relationship, and even if everything didn't work, I could help him get better, and he'd be the perfect person for me.
That version of myself seems so far removed from who I am today, even though it really hasn't been that long ... 3 years, exactly. It was the week after Valentine's Day 3 years ago when he dropped the bomb on me, and then last year, about 2 weeks after Valentine's Day when he left for good.
Clearly, Valentine's Day is not a hallmark of what our relationship was.
And now, who am I? Highly cynical, that's for sure. It's sad, in a way, but the combination of my total life experiences ... friendships, living in California, my marriage ... has left to me being highly doubtful of any person or any situation that I encounter. It's my version of a brick wall.
The one thing that I know is true, the one thing I know is real, is my life as a mom. It's the only area of my life where I am completely satisfied. Job - you all know how I feel about that. Home - oh, how I wish I could move right now. Family - drive me batty, but what can you do about that? Significant other - nonexistant, I'm not ready for one.
What I wish for, more than anything, is to have balance in my life. I crave it, I need it, I depend on it. And yet, it is ever elusive, ever something not within my reach.
Is it possible for me?
For some reason, my memories went back to the time when my ex had left me for the first time, hopped on a plane with a one-way ticket to Lebanon with the promise to return and a subsequent email telling me he was never coming back.
A few months into his stay, he started emailing me again, telling me about his life there, his women, etc. I would reply with hate-filled letters, telling him that I was so much better off without him, and then one day he replied with an email telling me he was going to get married to his girlfriend as soon as we were officially unmarried.
I didn't cry when I first read that ... I felt a surge of anger, got up, took the wedding album I'd kept for some reason when I purged his belongings from our place, walked down to the dumpster, and trashed it. Then, I went back and cried and cried and cried. Called my exMIL and cried on the phone with her. She's good people, you know, for listening to me cry pretty much all the time for the six months he was gone.
Looking back, I wasn't crying so much for him as for the loss of my innocence. Wham, bash, boom ... there it was, in pieces right before my eyes. The end of my doey-eyed beliefs in love, that it WAS possible to have a whirlwind relationship, and even if everything didn't work, I could help him get better, and he'd be the perfect person for me.
That version of myself seems so far removed from who I am today, even though it really hasn't been that long ... 3 years, exactly. It was the week after Valentine's Day 3 years ago when he dropped the bomb on me, and then last year, about 2 weeks after Valentine's Day when he left for good.
Clearly, Valentine's Day is not a hallmark of what our relationship was.
And now, who am I? Highly cynical, that's for sure. It's sad, in a way, but the combination of my total life experiences ... friendships, living in California, my marriage ... has left to me being highly doubtful of any person or any situation that I encounter. It's my version of a brick wall.
The one thing that I know is true, the one thing I know is real, is my life as a mom. It's the only area of my life where I am completely satisfied. Job - you all know how I feel about that. Home - oh, how I wish I could move right now. Family - drive me batty, but what can you do about that? Significant other - nonexistant, I'm not ready for one.
What I wish for, more than anything, is to have balance in my life. I crave it, I need it, I depend on it. And yet, it is ever elusive, ever something not within my reach.
Is it possible for me?
What kind of sick joke is it ...
... that I have to sit by the men's restroom and hear someone hoc loogies at least 5 times throughout the day, every single working day????
GRRRR ...
Ok, rant over. Felt good to get that out.
GRRRR ...
Ok, rant over. Felt good to get that out.
A list of positives
to balance out my recent worries and woes.
- My son is amazing. He is growing so much, learning at lightning speed, and it is just such an unbelievable joy to be his mother. He's funny, smart, cute, and completely huggable and loveable. Being able to be his mother is the greatest gift of my life and I am so proud to have met him along my life's journey.
- My etsy order from earlier this week - a fabulous pair of citrine/smoky quartz chandelier earrings - will arrive tomorrow! Yipee! Etsy is awesome because I can afford some fun little splurges and get things that no one else really has!
- Thanks to my trusty old crock pot, it is safe to say that I am becoming a good cook! I have some great recipes at my arsenal, a home-made cook book brimming with recipes just waiting to be made, and a pantry full of provisions. That makes me feel GREAT inside!
- I'm very proud of my eating habits and spending related to food. Considering I was once a borderline fast food junkie in my teens and early 20's, I do the majority of my cooking at home and for that I am very happy. Yesterday, while on the way to the event, I had to stop by a Carl's Jr., which hasn't happened in years.
I ended up ordering a side salad and low carb burger and they were both delicious. Won't happen again for a long time, mostly because of my paranoia induced by all those food-industry books from a few years ago, which exposed how dirty and bacteria-infested fast food really is. Cured me of that habit for sure!
While in the Carl's Jr, I had a proustian moment. That's the restaurant my mom would ALWAYS take me to when I was growing up. We'd have baked potatoes, cookies (they do have really great cookies), and a diet coke. So healthy ... hah ... yeah right! Thankfully, I've learned to eat better since those days, but that's yet another post!
- And to end, a topical quote from Dr. Michael Beckwith of Agape: "Your attitude is independent of circumstances. It comes from your own self talk."
- My son is amazing. He is growing so much, learning at lightning speed, and it is just such an unbelievable joy to be his mother. He's funny, smart, cute, and completely huggable and loveable. Being able to be his mother is the greatest gift of my life and I am so proud to have met him along my life's journey.
- My etsy order from earlier this week - a fabulous pair of citrine/smoky quartz chandelier earrings - will arrive tomorrow! Yipee! Etsy is awesome because I can afford some fun little splurges and get things that no one else really has!
- Thanks to my trusty old crock pot, it is safe to say that I am becoming a good cook! I have some great recipes at my arsenal, a home-made cook book brimming with recipes just waiting to be made, and a pantry full of provisions. That makes me feel GREAT inside!
- I'm very proud of my eating habits and spending related to food. Considering I was once a borderline fast food junkie in my teens and early 20's, I do the majority of my cooking at home and for that I am very happy. Yesterday, while on the way to the event, I had to stop by a Carl's Jr., which hasn't happened in years.
I ended up ordering a side salad and low carb burger and they were both delicious. Won't happen again for a long time, mostly because of my paranoia induced by all those food-industry books from a few years ago, which exposed how dirty and bacteria-infested fast food really is. Cured me of that habit for sure!
While in the Carl's Jr, I had a proustian moment. That's the restaurant my mom would ALWAYS take me to when I was growing up. We'd have baked potatoes, cookies (they do have really great cookies), and a diet coke. So healthy ... hah ... yeah right! Thankfully, I've learned to eat better since those days, but that's yet another post!
- And to end, a topical quote from Dr. Michael Beckwith of Agape: "Your attitude is independent of circumstances. It comes from your own self talk."
Yet, again ...
Umpteenth time plus one that I've fallen asleep with baby when I really can't. This time the heater was on full blast, something was in the crockpot was past it's time, and it's 2 am. Shit!
Not to mention baby fell off my bed.
Arrrgh ... ok, off to collect the pieces.
Not to mention baby fell off my bed.
Arrrgh ... ok, off to collect the pieces.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Where the sun always shines, and people are mean
Don't get me wrong, I love my homestate of California. I was going to call it my adopted homeband, but I've been here for 24 years, so at this point it's my homestate. Not my homeboy ... lame humor attempt.
Yes, I do appreciate the weather, I do appreciate the abundant resources here, but there is one little catch to living here. Isn't there always a catch to anything?
The catch is ... you're surrounded by loons and looneys. True. Very true. As a result of living in California for as long as I have, I have a very negative view of people and my first assumption is that anyone who approaches you only wants something from you.
Horrible, but true. This is especially true in Southern California, but even my little hamlet in Northern California is not immune to the "what can you do for me" disease.
When I was in my early 20s, just starting to work and venture out into the world on my own, I took the advice from books on how to meet people and started spending time at Starbucks. The few times I WAS approached by people, they only wanted me to become part of their Quixtar team. True story. Why so many people doing Quixtar? It was like a disease -- go get your oil changed, the tech tries to sell you on Quixtar. Go get your smashed car fixed, the mechanic tries to sell you on Quixtar. Quixtar, Quixtar, Quixtar! It's a scam, btw.
Here in So Cal, it's almost worse, almost that I don't even want to start conversations with people because it's not worth giving up the energy and hope only to have them ask me to do something for them. It makes a gal wonder ... how do you ever meet a romantic prospect here???
Take for example yesterday ... the woman I met in the street as documented in yesterday's post. She started a conversation and it quickly became apparent that she was off her rocker.
But then, there are times and signs of hope. There's the mommy I met at the park a couple of months ago - our kids are just 2 weeks apart and she, my exMIL and I have become fast friends.
The point of this post is that I long for normal, to be around people with no hidden agendas, no agendas in the first place for that matter. Is it possible????
Sane people ... they're out there. Sometimes hard to distinguish, but they are.
Yes, I do appreciate the weather, I do appreciate the abundant resources here, but there is one little catch to living here. Isn't there always a catch to anything?
The catch is ... you're surrounded by loons and looneys. True. Very true. As a result of living in California for as long as I have, I have a very negative view of people and my first assumption is that anyone who approaches you only wants something from you.
Horrible, but true. This is especially true in Southern California, but even my little hamlet in Northern California is not immune to the "what can you do for me" disease.
When I was in my early 20s, just starting to work and venture out into the world on my own, I took the advice from books on how to meet people and started spending time at Starbucks. The few times I WAS approached by people, they only wanted me to become part of their Quixtar team. True story. Why so many people doing Quixtar? It was like a disease -- go get your oil changed, the tech tries to sell you on Quixtar. Go get your smashed car fixed, the mechanic tries to sell you on Quixtar. Quixtar, Quixtar, Quixtar! It's a scam, btw.
Here in So Cal, it's almost worse, almost that I don't even want to start conversations with people because it's not worth giving up the energy and hope only to have them ask me to do something for them. It makes a gal wonder ... how do you ever meet a romantic prospect here???
Take for example yesterday ... the woman I met in the street as documented in yesterday's post. She started a conversation and it quickly became apparent that she was off her rocker.
But then, there are times and signs of hope. There's the mommy I met at the park a couple of months ago - our kids are just 2 weeks apart and she, my exMIL and I have become fast friends.
The point of this post is that I long for normal, to be around people with no hidden agendas, no agendas in the first place for that matter. Is it possible????
Sane people ... they're out there. Sometimes hard to distinguish, but they are.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
You Don't Know Me
You don't even know me
You say that I'm not living right
You don't understand me
So why do you judge my life ?
-Armand Van Helden
Back from the afternoon outing, back from a trip near the sea for cupcakes and sightseeing (both great), and just back from the ex-inlaws, where I stopped for my child support check and a free dinner. I have no shame!
My trip was to my old neck of the woods, where the ex and I lived for a few years. It was good to be back, good to be in more of a "city" environment, but also really sad for me.
There was the coffeeshop I used to spend hours in, now closed. There's the stretch of highway where I threw his favorite $3 hat out of the window after he was telling me how horrible I was, and what a fight that started. There's the Sizzler parking lot where we had a screaming match when I was 1 month pregnant, there's the Starbucks parking lot where we had yet another screaming match. Mostly I screamed at him as to when is he going to start providing for us, and I didn't sign up for this, and he screamed back at me about how ungrateful I was, how terrible I was for not speaking my mother tongue ... blah, blah, blah. We did a lot of screaming in that part of town.
When I got to the exinlaw's, I didn't count on the ex being there, and he was. He'd texted me earlier saying my check and a surprise were there for me. When I heard suprise, I thought ... a pack of soda? He's been doing that lately ... and then later, I started thinking ... hmmm... could it be a Blackberry, finally??
You know, I don't know WHY I bother getting my hopes up with that man, and I would have enjoyed a pack of soda rather than what he got me, which was a copy of "Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great" by Judy Blume.
Sigh. If he knew me at all, he would have known that it was my favorite book for many, many years in my youth, and when I was 9, I WAS Sheila the Great during a reading event at my school AND I won 1st place for it, even though I giggled through my entire presentation and my shirt was decorated with address labels in the shape of a "S".
FAIL!
"I already have this," I said when I saw it.
"Did you get it when you were younger?" he said.
"mmm hmm", and left it at that.
You say that I'm not living right
You don't understand me
So why do you judge my life ?
-Armand Van Helden
Back from the afternoon outing, back from a trip near the sea for cupcakes and sightseeing (both great), and just back from the ex-inlaws, where I stopped for my child support check and a free dinner. I have no shame!
My trip was to my old neck of the woods, where the ex and I lived for a few years. It was good to be back, good to be in more of a "city" environment, but also really sad for me.
There was the coffeeshop I used to spend hours in, now closed. There's the stretch of highway where I threw his favorite $3 hat out of the window after he was telling me how horrible I was, and what a fight that started. There's the Sizzler parking lot where we had a screaming match when I was 1 month pregnant, there's the Starbucks parking lot where we had yet another screaming match. Mostly I screamed at him as to when is he going to start providing for us, and I didn't sign up for this, and he screamed back at me about how ungrateful I was, how terrible I was for not speaking my mother tongue ... blah, blah, blah. We did a lot of screaming in that part of town.
When I got to the exinlaw's, I didn't count on the ex being there, and he was. He'd texted me earlier saying my check and a surprise were there for me. When I heard suprise, I thought ... a pack of soda? He's been doing that lately ... and then later, I started thinking ... hmmm... could it be a Blackberry, finally??
You know, I don't know WHY I bother getting my hopes up with that man, and I would have enjoyed a pack of soda rather than what he got me, which was a copy of "Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great" by Judy Blume.
Sigh. If he knew me at all, he would have known that it was my favorite book for many, many years in my youth, and when I was 9, I WAS Sheila the Great during a reading event at my school AND I won 1st place for it, even though I giggled through my entire presentation and my shirt was decorated with address labels in the shape of a "S".
FAIL!
"I already have this," I said when I saw it.
"Did you get it when you were younger?" he said.
"mmm hmm", and left it at that.
Drama, drama, drama
Wow, what a busy couple of days it has been. The week-end has been kind of a whirlwind of activity, going here and there, and it's only now, about 1 pm on Sunday afternoon, that I've had 2 seconds to sit down, eat a Slim Jim from the 99 cent store (don't judge), crunch the ice from the end of my iced mocha (splurge), and wonder what to make for lunch.
On Friday evening, after receiving the word about the attempted burglary in the apartment building, I spent the rest of the night watching tv shows on my netflix.com, which is, I'll say again, one of the most awesome things in the world. I saw "United States of Tara" and "Secret Diaries of a Call Girl", both interesting shows. Not the best, but they drew me in and allowed me to escape my life for the moment.
Saturdays are tough days. Period. The mornings are tough because I'm busy feeding the little guy, packing up, and trying to keep an eye on him because my parents and sisters are kind of doing their own thing on the weekend. Getting my mom to watch the baby for half and hour so I can load up the car is like trying to lasso a wild animal. She is so scatterminded that it kind of worries me what she's like on the days that I go to work!
I get home about 3 pm or so, unload the car, then take the baby to do the weekly shopping, which can be QUITE the adventure, especially since he likes to grab random things from the shelves and not let go of them, as well as try his darndest (and sometimes succeed) at getting out of the shopping cart or stroller. He's a strong little guy.
When all the dust was settled at home it was about 7 pm, just in time to hear the landlord "discuss" things with the horrible neighbors, the ones who have led to the decline of our building and the utter misery of the 5 other people who live here.
When I say misery, I mean it. These people are rude and terrible, and for once in the year they've been here, the landlord grew a pair of balls and let them know that in no uncertain terms. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing out of him, because he's just a really quiet guy in general, but it was long overdue.
The problem is that when I and everyone else moved in, we were told there were certain rules, and we all follow them - two people max, park where you're supposed to, no animals, etc.
Well, these people break the rules and them some. Cars parked everywhere, about 6 extra people living there (they call them guests, but I think after one month that's a moot term), and they are loud, obnoxious, and like I've said before, I think there is drug activity going on because there are all kinds of people coming in and out all the live long day and night.
The problem is, as the landlord says, they refuse to listen and be respectful, and he called them out on it. The main lady who lives there was trying to make all kinds of excuses, but the landlord said, uh, hello I'M the landlord here, not you! Well done, sir.
However, the conversation got to a point where he said, "are you going to pull a gun on me?" and they pulled the racism card, and at that point I closed the door and got to feeding the baby. I'm not sure what the outcome will be, but I'm hoping they get evicted.
The truth is, they've made this building go from safe to scary, and I think all of us are scared and I do think the burglar is a result of them, be it one of them or one of their "associates". I'm not sure what to do -- I really can't move out immediately, but I've bought some stuff to make the house safer -- dowels to stuff behind the windows, another lock for the door, and pepper spray.
I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
This morning was a whirlwind, too -- last night I was way too tired to give the baby a bath and I fainted in bed with him at 9:30 pm. By the time I woke up at 1 am, I said "F it!" and just went back to bed, having not showered myself since Thursday night. The perils of single motherhood.
So, I bathed him, fed him, took a navy shower while he was eating, toodled around the house a bit, and then took him on a walk to pick up a couple more grocery things and now he's sleeping soundly. When he wakes up, I'll feed him and take him on a 20 minute trip to Santa Monica, where I fully intend on splurging at a cute little cupcakerie there and enjyoing the uncrowded streets.
Superbowl, schmuperbowl! I admit, I wish I had a superbowl party to go to, only for the food, but I don't know that many people who like the superbowl like that, so whatever. That's why I bought the slim jim (riiiight).
Ok, off to nap for a bit before baby wakes up!
P.S, one funny thing that happened on the way back from our walk. Random lady starts talking to me about what a beautiful day it is and how blessed we are in CA. Apparently it's because there's a lot of Christians here (as opposed to the East Coast). You learn something new every day, I guess. LOL ....
On Friday evening, after receiving the word about the attempted burglary in the apartment building, I spent the rest of the night watching tv shows on my netflix.com, which is, I'll say again, one of the most awesome things in the world. I saw "United States of Tara" and "Secret Diaries of a Call Girl", both interesting shows. Not the best, but they drew me in and allowed me to escape my life for the moment.
Saturdays are tough days. Period. The mornings are tough because I'm busy feeding the little guy, packing up, and trying to keep an eye on him because my parents and sisters are kind of doing their own thing on the weekend. Getting my mom to watch the baby for half and hour so I can load up the car is like trying to lasso a wild animal. She is so scatterminded that it kind of worries me what she's like on the days that I go to work!
I get home about 3 pm or so, unload the car, then take the baby to do the weekly shopping, which can be QUITE the adventure, especially since he likes to grab random things from the shelves and not let go of them, as well as try his darndest (and sometimes succeed) at getting out of the shopping cart or stroller. He's a strong little guy.
When all the dust was settled at home it was about 7 pm, just in time to hear the landlord "discuss" things with the horrible neighbors, the ones who have led to the decline of our building and the utter misery of the 5 other people who live here.
When I say misery, I mean it. These people are rude and terrible, and for once in the year they've been here, the landlord grew a pair of balls and let them know that in no uncertain terms. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing out of him, because he's just a really quiet guy in general, but it was long overdue.
The problem is that when I and everyone else moved in, we were told there were certain rules, and we all follow them - two people max, park where you're supposed to, no animals, etc.
Well, these people break the rules and them some. Cars parked everywhere, about 6 extra people living there (they call them guests, but I think after one month that's a moot term), and they are loud, obnoxious, and like I've said before, I think there is drug activity going on because there are all kinds of people coming in and out all the live long day and night.
The problem is, as the landlord says, they refuse to listen and be respectful, and he called them out on it. The main lady who lives there was trying to make all kinds of excuses, but the landlord said, uh, hello I'M the landlord here, not you! Well done, sir.
However, the conversation got to a point where he said, "are you going to pull a gun on me?" and they pulled the racism card, and at that point I closed the door and got to feeding the baby. I'm not sure what the outcome will be, but I'm hoping they get evicted.
The truth is, they've made this building go from safe to scary, and I think all of us are scared and I do think the burglar is a result of them, be it one of them or one of their "associates". I'm not sure what to do -- I really can't move out immediately, but I've bought some stuff to make the house safer -- dowels to stuff behind the windows, another lock for the door, and pepper spray.
I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
This morning was a whirlwind, too -- last night I was way too tired to give the baby a bath and I fainted in bed with him at 9:30 pm. By the time I woke up at 1 am, I said "F it!" and just went back to bed, having not showered myself since Thursday night. The perils of single motherhood.
So, I bathed him, fed him, took a navy shower while he was eating, toodled around the house a bit, and then took him on a walk to pick up a couple more grocery things and now he's sleeping soundly. When he wakes up, I'll feed him and take him on a 20 minute trip to Santa Monica, where I fully intend on splurging at a cute little cupcakerie there and enjyoing the uncrowded streets.
Superbowl, schmuperbowl! I admit, I wish I had a superbowl party to go to, only for the food, but I don't know that many people who like the superbowl like that, so whatever. That's why I bought the slim jim (riiiight).
Ok, off to nap for a bit before baby wakes up!
P.S, one funny thing that happened on the way back from our walk. Random lady starts talking to me about what a beautiful day it is and how blessed we are in CA. Apparently it's because there's a lot of Christians here (as opposed to the East Coast). You learn something new every day, I guess. LOL ....
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