As I was looking through my disorganized 2008 weekly planner while addressing holiday cards [yes, I really love getting them ready THAT early - inner geek unveiling], I came upon some pro/con lists I made around last year this time, when things between me and my ex were at their worst.
Not to keep beating a dead horse, but reviewing these is a great exercise in perspective-making. And, not to mention, he keeps asking if me and the baby will have dinner with him, go out for walks with him, etc. Don't worry, I keep saying a firm no to these requests.
Pros:
- good with baby
- sweet when he wants to be
- helps out a little around the house
- willing to help out monetarily when I need it
- extremely smart
- handy around the house
[note: no where do I mention any thing about love]
Cons:
- I'm often scared of him
- no steady job, no near prospects
- putting all his eggs in an uncertain basket
- no savings, 401k
- begs for money from his dad
- insecurity leads to agresssion
- expects me to lavish him with attention, even though he barely contributes
- has no sense of making it -- basically whines about everything. He's not a go-getter and that is what bothers me.
- expects people (esp. women) to do things for him.
- when I was bemoaning maybe not being able to pay rent during my maternity leave (disability check was late), his response was, "it takes 3 month for them to kick us out". WRONG ANSWER!!!!!
My ideal mate:
- loves the baby as much as I do
- sense of family, family is first
- provider
- unconditional friend
- equal
- works toward getting to a higher level
- not necessary for me to have a man -- I'd rather be single than scared of my partner
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Social Networking
So, I have been all over Facebook lately, addicted to it, if you will. The sophisticated semi-sibling of standby MySpace, it's a bit more conducive to connecting with former and current people in your life.
Besides being able to find former flames, I've re-connected with quite a few high school classmates. It's been funny to see how people have changed ... how the adolescents you used to interact with are living as adults with kids of their own.
In many ways, I feel like I'm more popular on Facebook now than I ever was in high school. There are people on my list I BARELY interacted with, and in a couple of cases, I honestly don't really remember the people. They seem to remember me, so I guess I made a bigger impression on them than I thought.
This year's Thanksgiving celebration was just that ... a family-filled and relaxed one, and I really enjoyed myself, overall. I'm more happy for the mini-vacation from work, which is so much deserved!
Today was the baby's Thanksgiving day with his dad and we got back in town LATE due to nap schedules and other things happening at home. The one quality my parent's possess is the ability to never be early for anything ... ever! It drives me crazy, but then again, being in control of my schedule is one thing I truly appreciate about my independence.
We had dinner together and then took the baby for a spin around Whole Foods ... and for that brief moment in time, were a true faux-family. People looked at us walking together, the baby on his dad's shoulders, and commented on how cute the baby was and what a cute family. Yeah, right.
Ah, for that moment in time, maybe, but reality is an illusion. If only, if only ....
Besides being able to find former flames, I've re-connected with quite a few high school classmates. It's been funny to see how people have changed ... how the adolescents you used to interact with are living as adults with kids of their own.
In many ways, I feel like I'm more popular on Facebook now than I ever was in high school. There are people on my list I BARELY interacted with, and in a couple of cases, I honestly don't really remember the people. They seem to remember me, so I guess I made a bigger impression on them than I thought.
This year's Thanksgiving celebration was just that ... a family-filled and relaxed one, and I really enjoyed myself, overall. I'm more happy for the mini-vacation from work, which is so much deserved!
Today was the baby's Thanksgiving day with his dad and we got back in town LATE due to nap schedules and other things happening at home. The one quality my parent's possess is the ability to never be early for anything ... ever! It drives me crazy, but then again, being in control of my schedule is one thing I truly appreciate about my independence.
We had dinner together and then took the baby for a spin around Whole Foods ... and for that brief moment in time, were a true faux-family. People looked at us walking together, the baby on his dad's shoulders, and commented on how cute the baby was and what a cute family. Yeah, right.
Ah, for that moment in time, maybe, but reality is an illusion. If only, if only ....
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
People are stupid - a vent
A few weeks ago, one of my exMIL's neighbor backed into my car and scuffed up my wheel cover. A minor event, but it irked the heck out of me. He did promise to pay for a new one, though.
I went through the time and expense of having the wheel cover replaced - it wasn't cheap for my car - and now he's stalling on paying me back. And I am furious. Furious because I need every cent of the money and without it, I am in a precarious financial situation. Really, really, really precarious.
My exMIL is on him about this, but still, the fact that he is being so stubborn about payback is driving me absolutely insane. If I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have had the wheel cover replaced.
That mofo. In his mind, he might be railing against me for whatever reason, but I don't think he realizes how tight things are and how bad it is for me right now. It's bad. I want to cry thinking about it, not because of the money, but for the whole principal of it.
It's like the Gucci purse situation of a few years ago, almost - where I bought an expensive present for a friend with the guarantee that a couple other people would chip in and they fell through at the end. That was really heartbreaking - a curse to my naivete, but also, a big, deep slash to my pocket.
Similar situation today, but the slash to my pocket is much, much worse. The frustration I'm feeling is extending to other parts of my life - recalling my anger towards my exhusband and his lack of responsibility. If I weren't just getting $150 a month in child support, I wouldn't be in this situation. Heck, I'm lucky I'm getting even that, but still ... but still .... Why am I the one who has to shoulder all of this?
On a message board I frequent, the subject of unemployment and hard times came up. Another single mom mentioned that it would be so much easier for her if she had a partner ... which I totally agree with and am experiencing, but apparently sparked a flame with other board members.
Life isn't always as easy with a husband/partner, they argued - but you know what -- the fact that you have someone BY YOUR SIDE makes all the difference in the world. The single mom who made the subject in the first place had an offline conversation and she said that just having someone to call you and ask you how your day was is what matters. Just that simple act alone means more than anything.
Times is rough.
I went through the time and expense of having the wheel cover replaced - it wasn't cheap for my car - and now he's stalling on paying me back. And I am furious. Furious because I need every cent of the money and without it, I am in a precarious financial situation. Really, really, really precarious.
My exMIL is on him about this, but still, the fact that he is being so stubborn about payback is driving me absolutely insane. If I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have had the wheel cover replaced.
That mofo. In his mind, he might be railing against me for whatever reason, but I don't think he realizes how tight things are and how bad it is for me right now. It's bad. I want to cry thinking about it, not because of the money, but for the whole principal of it.
It's like the Gucci purse situation of a few years ago, almost - where I bought an expensive present for a friend with the guarantee that a couple other people would chip in and they fell through at the end. That was really heartbreaking - a curse to my naivete, but also, a big, deep slash to my pocket.
Similar situation today, but the slash to my pocket is much, much worse. The frustration I'm feeling is extending to other parts of my life - recalling my anger towards my exhusband and his lack of responsibility. If I weren't just getting $150 a month in child support, I wouldn't be in this situation. Heck, I'm lucky I'm getting even that, but still ... but still .... Why am I the one who has to shoulder all of this?
On a message board I frequent, the subject of unemployment and hard times came up. Another single mom mentioned that it would be so much easier for her if she had a partner ... which I totally agree with and am experiencing, but apparently sparked a flame with other board members.
Life isn't always as easy with a husband/partner, they argued - but you know what -- the fact that you have someone BY YOUR SIDE makes all the difference in the world. The single mom who made the subject in the first place had an offline conversation and she said that just having someone to call you and ask you how your day was is what matters. Just that simple act alone means more than anything.
Times is rough.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thankful
This Thanksgiving, I am giving thanks for being where I am at this moment. Considering that the last holiday season was so tremendously heinous due to my ex’s antics, I am so far ahead of the curve and so glad for my current unmarried state.
Thanksgiving was a very bittersweet holiday for me – I was due to return to work from my maternity leave in matter of days and feeling all kinds of conflicted about that. Even though I needed to earn a full paycheck, I did not want to leave my baby at all and was in a state of mourning my maternity leave.
To top things off, my ex was in a bitter, bitter state of mind. He wasn’t working, wasn’t contributing, and was making my life hell – screaming at me over the slightest things that I didn’t even do, breaking things, yelling at me for opening envelopes wrong, and basically trying to convince me that I was worse than pond scum simply for being me. Not that he should be responsible for his behavior — as if!
For some reason that he did not fully explain to me or was not fully aware of himself, he was not working for 6 weeks during his job’s winter break, as he worked at a community college.
On a sidenote, even a year removed, I am still irked by his lack of responsibility, his and his mom’s willingness to admit that I was shouldering all the household responsibilities and then his callous treatment of me when I was going back to work.
What a jerk – I can only hope that karma hits him hard for the way he treated me during that time. What makes me mad are that there are people that enable his behavior, thinking he’s a major genius. But, that’s not really my concern anymore.
Looking back, it is so clear to me that he has mental issues, and the fact that he will never deal with it and he will be enabled for the foreseeable future is just sad to me. Not because I care about him, but because he is my son’s father, and ultimately, my son will be the one dealing with him when everyone else (grandparents, mom, dad) are gone.
About Thanksgiving, long story short, we visited my parent’s house and he caused a huge ruckus, which was only a foreshadowing of the ruckus he caused at his grandparent’s house during Christmas.
Oh, those were painful times. I remember holding the baby and crying and crying in front of his grandparents and relatives and saying, “don’t tell him, but I’m not going to Texas with him.” At the time, his big plan was to move us to Texas, even though he had no job or prospects.
So, even though money is tight, time is tight, and I am tired all the time, the big difference is I am not being abused anymore. I am not dealing with a madman anymore. I am not constantly walking on eggshells. My baby is not exposed to vile behavior. And for that, I am tremendously thankful.
Thanksgiving was a very bittersweet holiday for me – I was due to return to work from my maternity leave in matter of days and feeling all kinds of conflicted about that. Even though I needed to earn a full paycheck, I did not want to leave my baby at all and was in a state of mourning my maternity leave.
To top things off, my ex was in a bitter, bitter state of mind. He wasn’t working, wasn’t contributing, and was making my life hell – screaming at me over the slightest things that I didn’t even do, breaking things, yelling at me for opening envelopes wrong, and basically trying to convince me that I was worse than pond scum simply for being me. Not that he should be responsible for his behavior — as if!
For some reason that he did not fully explain to me or was not fully aware of himself, he was not working for 6 weeks during his job’s winter break, as he worked at a community college.
On a sidenote, even a year removed, I am still irked by his lack of responsibility, his and his mom’s willingness to admit that I was shouldering all the household responsibilities and then his callous treatment of me when I was going back to work.
What a jerk – I can only hope that karma hits him hard for the way he treated me during that time. What makes me mad are that there are people that enable his behavior, thinking he’s a major genius. But, that’s not really my concern anymore.
Looking back, it is so clear to me that he has mental issues, and the fact that he will never deal with it and he will be enabled for the foreseeable future is just sad to me. Not because I care about him, but because he is my son’s father, and ultimately, my son will be the one dealing with him when everyone else (grandparents, mom, dad) are gone.
About Thanksgiving, long story short, we visited my parent’s house and he caused a huge ruckus, which was only a foreshadowing of the ruckus he caused at his grandparent’s house during Christmas.
Oh, those were painful times. I remember holding the baby and crying and crying in front of his grandparents and relatives and saying, “don’t tell him, but I’m not going to Texas with him.” At the time, his big plan was to move us to Texas, even though he had no job or prospects.
So, even though money is tight, time is tight, and I am tired all the time, the big difference is I am not being abused anymore. I am not dealing with a madman anymore. I am not constantly walking on eggshells. My baby is not exposed to vile behavior. And for that, I am tremendously thankful.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Looking back ....
I've just been taking a look back at my earliest blog posts, when the pain of my separation was fresh, and I'm shocked by what I'm reading.
My God. That was a helluva time in my life. I'm still struggling, but I am so, so, so grateful to be where I am right now. Bullet averted.
There is still some residual pain, and as I'm reading my entries that are filled with negative emotions, all I can think is -- how will I ever let a man into my life again?
These days, I'm filled with a longing, a wondering when I'll have a man in my life. Not that I NEED a man, but I do so wish for that perfect partner to come along. And then, reality strikes, and I can't help but think - how will I ever be able to TRUST again?
I went into my marriage with nothing BUT blind trust, and it served me wrong. It seems impossible, and I just don't think I'll ever be able to let anyone fully in again. I just can't risk being called vile names at every turn, living on my tiptoes, walking on eggshells. I guess, fundamentally, I still don't believe I deserve my good.
My God. That was a helluva time in my life. I'm still struggling, but I am so, so, so grateful to be where I am right now. Bullet averted.
There is still some residual pain, and as I'm reading my entries that are filled with negative emotions, all I can think is -- how will I ever let a man into my life again?
These days, I'm filled with a longing, a wondering when I'll have a man in my life. Not that I NEED a man, but I do so wish for that perfect partner to come along. And then, reality strikes, and I can't help but think - how will I ever be able to TRUST again?
I went into my marriage with nothing BUT blind trust, and it served me wrong. It seems impossible, and I just don't think I'll ever be able to let anyone fully in again. I just can't risk being called vile names at every turn, living on my tiptoes, walking on eggshells. I guess, fundamentally, I still don't believe I deserve my good.
Chills, chills, chills .... in a good way
Figures I would already snag my perfect shirt after not even half a day! Thanks to some hardware left under my desktop at work, I have a few threads hanging off of the bottom half... sigh!
It's not that bad, but still... argh!
Well, I did it ... hauled my heiney over to the social security office, sat for about 1/2 an hour (not bad whatsoever, considering it is the social security office), watched some dramz unfold between a clerk and stupid customer (really, she was pretty darned dumb, I think the clerk was exceptionally patient about it), and in less than a couple of minutes after being served, I have my name again.
And as I left, heels clicking, throwing the door open to the wind, I got a major case of chills. I'm back. I'm me again. It feels really good.
It's not that bad, but still... argh!
Well, I did it ... hauled my heiney over to the social security office, sat for about 1/2 an hour (not bad whatsoever, considering it is the social security office), watched some dramz unfold between a clerk and stupid customer (really, she was pretty darned dumb, I think the clerk was exceptionally patient about it), and in less than a couple of minutes after being served, I have my name again.
And as I left, heels clicking, throwing the door open to the wind, I got a major case of chills. I'm back. I'm me again. It feels really good.
Today I'm wondering ...
... how the heck I'm going to squeak by the next couple weeks. Yes, times are very, very, very rough right now, but as an online friend said: finances? What are finances?
This morning, I dragged my stayed-up-until-1am doing household stuff-self out of bed, dressed up in my brand new perfect shirt that I'd been hunting for for years, and prepared myself for a busy day of grunt work and going to the social security office to go back to my maiden name, officially.
Then, being a busy bee, I cruched my finances for the next few weeks and promptly had a heart attack. Yikes. Double yikes. Triple yikes.
The good news: I am being a responsible adult and paying all of my bills on time. Good for my credit score, good for my debt. Also, I have a free tank of gas on the way, since I've been promised one for doing an errand, and thanks to the holidays, I don't have to buy much food.
The bad news: I think I"m going to have to do some creative accounting and not pay my phone/gas bill until the 15th of December, just because it's that tight. It's not going to affect my credit, and it will help me get through the times a little easier.
Sometimes its hard being an adult.
This morning, I dragged my stayed-up-until-1am doing household stuff-self out of bed, dressed up in my brand new perfect shirt that I'd been hunting for for years, and prepared myself for a busy day of grunt work and going to the social security office to go back to my maiden name, officially.
Then, being a busy bee, I cruched my finances for the next few weeks and promptly had a heart attack. Yikes. Double yikes. Triple yikes.
The good news: I am being a responsible adult and paying all of my bills on time. Good for my credit score, good for my debt. Also, I have a free tank of gas on the way, since I've been promised one for doing an errand, and thanks to the holidays, I don't have to buy much food.
The bad news: I think I"m going to have to do some creative accounting and not pay my phone/gas bill until the 15th of December, just because it's that tight. It's not going to affect my credit, and it will help me get through the times a little easier.
Sometimes its hard being an adult.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Out, and about ...
Where I am right now, about 9 months or so since my initial separation and freshly divorced, I feel finally ready to rejoin the world of the living.
Today was one of my Sundays with the baby and I took full advantage of it -- it seems like it was longer than usual days, filled with running back and forth and going here and there AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!
It was the type of day where I totally forgot that I have to actually work for a living - that there is anything besides my being a full-time mother and I can spend as much time as I want with my baby. I LOVE those types of days.
It was also a magical day where everything I wanted fell into my lap. We took a long walk this morning so the baby could take his nap and I decided to drop by Kohl's as a spur of the moment thing, where what do I find but the type of shirt I've been searching for FOR YEARS. My size, no other of it's type anywhere else, right in front of my eyes. And I get 15% off at the register just for asking.
Later in the day I take the baby for a bit of culture and cupcakes. A free jaunt around the latin american art museum, then I found the best and most perfect parking space RIGHT IN FRONT of the cupcakerie and I parallel park with the utmost precision.
We later visit a Borders and the baby is bumrushed by a pair of 8 year old girls, one being the most precocious and adorable little girl I've seen in a long, long time. She kind of reminded me of me as an 8 year old and I just loved, loved, loved conversing with her. She told me I look younger than 30, so I love her even more just for that. The baby, however, didn't love all the attention and I had to escort him out in a fit! He was such a MAN ... so distant! LOL ....
One sour note, silly, but I scuffed my fresh pedicure, and I can't think of anything that bothers me more. I like to keep my toes as fresh as possible for as long as i can! Bah!
Thankfully, I could repair it and I will run out for a pedicure this Friday, which is a glorious day off, and the baby will be with his dad for a few hours.
Ah, back to reality ... gotta get to cookin'!!!
Today was one of my Sundays with the baby and I took full advantage of it -- it seems like it was longer than usual days, filled with running back and forth and going here and there AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!
It was the type of day where I totally forgot that I have to actually work for a living - that there is anything besides my being a full-time mother and I can spend as much time as I want with my baby. I LOVE those types of days.
It was also a magical day where everything I wanted fell into my lap. We took a long walk this morning so the baby could take his nap and I decided to drop by Kohl's as a spur of the moment thing, where what do I find but the type of shirt I've been searching for FOR YEARS. My size, no other of it's type anywhere else, right in front of my eyes. And I get 15% off at the register just for asking.
Later in the day I take the baby for a bit of culture and cupcakes. A free jaunt around the latin american art museum, then I found the best and most perfect parking space RIGHT IN FRONT of the cupcakerie and I parallel park with the utmost precision.
We later visit a Borders and the baby is bumrushed by a pair of 8 year old girls, one being the most precocious and adorable little girl I've seen in a long, long time. She kind of reminded me of me as an 8 year old and I just loved, loved, loved conversing with her. She told me I look younger than 30, so I love her even more just for that. The baby, however, didn't love all the attention and I had to escort him out in a fit! He was such a MAN ... so distant! LOL ....
One sour note, silly, but I scuffed my fresh pedicure, and I can't think of anything that bothers me more. I like to keep my toes as fresh as possible for as long as i can! Bah!
Thankfully, I could repair it and I will run out for a pedicure this Friday, which is a glorious day off, and the baby will be with his dad for a few hours.
Ah, back to reality ... gotta get to cookin'!!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
A couple of Friday night thoughts
1. If there is an image that represents me at this moment, it is of me, standing with my hair pulled back ina ponytail, wearing a dress, standing in front of a big red heart that is my heart. There is a little pocket sized door around the chest and in that pocket is the image of people/events from my past. I am taking a gold skeleton key out of my pocket, and closing the door on my past, putting my hand on the door to say goodbye.
I am not sad, I am just satisfied, giving a knowing smile and nod - acknowledging the past and also looking toward the future.
"Do not cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss
2. The word of the day at work today was FUNK ... to describe my day as mindnumbingly boring is totally right on.
It's the holiday season, so things are winding down, but it's just empty and quiet and I don't get a lot of interaction throughout the day at all. Sure, there's the passive agressive cabinet door slams from my cubicle mate, and the numerous annoying phone calls from accounting or an errant subscriber to keep me going, but otherwise, it was me and my computer screen for the majority of the day.
Oh, this isn't what I wanted from my life... and to keep myself from being a whiner, I've decided to plan a change. I'm going to start by writing down things that interest me and things I'm good at and ways I can make little changes. It's what I gotta do ... how I gotta fake this before I make it.
3. From another single mama's blog, a very good point -- you have to know yourself 100% before getting involved in any other relationship. To paraphrase from the blog, how can you give only 10% of yourself if you only know 10% of yourself?
I think that's where I am right now -- getting to know me, my desires, my wants -- that is what my 30's are for. In my marriage, I was defined by my ex-husbands desires, wants, needs -- and he really didn't need or want a wife who wanted things he didn't. Same thing with my family.
So, with that in mind ...
4. I've finally found charities I believe in and want to support financially and eventually with my time. They are --
a) The Children's Hospital of Orange County, because they will never refuse a patient based on their ability to pay, and I know children who have benefited from their services;
b) Project Angel Food -- providing meals to those who are sick or unable to do so. I know someone who has volunteered for them and I respect the founder of this service very much.
c) Heifer International -- providing the tools the disadvantaged need to improve their lives.
Persian families are very superstitious. I think it goes way back to the pre-Islamic days when Zoroastrianism, a religion that is very "close to the earth" ruled, and those traditions still carry on.
Whenever anyone receives a compliment, we're told to burn esfand, an herb, to keep the evil eye away, and/or to donate money to someone less fortunate.
Every once in a while, I donate money at the supermarket to the organizations that feed children, and I've donated to the Ronald McDonald house and Children's Hospital on a regular basis.
Even though I could be considered a charity case in many ways, and I could also use that money to save (who's kidding who -- me, save? There's always some kind of emergency that eats up my emergency fund), I feel that it's time for me to allocate money to charity.
So, from the big paycheck of the month, I'm going to make a point to give $10 to each of the three charities, which I will increase as I am better off.
My parents were so socially unavailable and volunteering was a dirty word to them, almost. When I was in 9th grade and at a private school that required volunteering time, they discouraged me from volunteering from pretty much anything! Not at a hospital, because of all fo the germs (and they wonder why I never went into science?), I don't even know what I ended up doing.
However, I want my son to know the value of giving, of charity, of doing good deeds for people who may not have the resources that we do. We don't have much, but we ARE in so much of a better position than many other families in this area.
Ah, Friday night ... date night, hah! I spent the early evening fighting with my Michael Savage-loving, Obama-hating mom, who stubbornly refuses to admit any wrongdoing on George Bush's fault.
Right-wing, conspiracy-theorist nuts like Michael Savage do serve their place, but it's the people who take his prejudiced words literally that drive me nuts -- a person like that being my mom. She doesn't know anything about history, about politics really, but she'll scream at the top of her lungs that the economy is in the shitter BECAUSE of Barack Obama, not because of what's been going on in the government for the last 8 years. Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
I am not sad, I am just satisfied, giving a knowing smile and nod - acknowledging the past and also looking toward the future.
"Do not cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss
2. The word of the day at work today was FUNK ... to describe my day as mindnumbingly boring is totally right on.
It's the holiday season, so things are winding down, but it's just empty and quiet and I don't get a lot of interaction throughout the day at all. Sure, there's the passive agressive cabinet door slams from my cubicle mate, and the numerous annoying phone calls from accounting or an errant subscriber to keep me going, but otherwise, it was me and my computer screen for the majority of the day.
Oh, this isn't what I wanted from my life... and to keep myself from being a whiner, I've decided to plan a change. I'm going to start by writing down things that interest me and things I'm good at and ways I can make little changes. It's what I gotta do ... how I gotta fake this before I make it.
3. From another single mama's blog, a very good point -- you have to know yourself 100% before getting involved in any other relationship. To paraphrase from the blog, how can you give only 10% of yourself if you only know 10% of yourself?
I think that's where I am right now -- getting to know me, my desires, my wants -- that is what my 30's are for. In my marriage, I was defined by my ex-husbands desires, wants, needs -- and he really didn't need or want a wife who wanted things he didn't. Same thing with my family.
So, with that in mind ...
4. I've finally found charities I believe in and want to support financially and eventually with my time. They are --
a) The Children's Hospital of Orange County, because they will never refuse a patient based on their ability to pay, and I know children who have benefited from their services;
b) Project Angel Food -- providing meals to those who are sick or unable to do so. I know someone who has volunteered for them and I respect the founder of this service very much.
c) Heifer International -- providing the tools the disadvantaged need to improve their lives.
Persian families are very superstitious. I think it goes way back to the pre-Islamic days when Zoroastrianism, a religion that is very "close to the earth" ruled, and those traditions still carry on.
Whenever anyone receives a compliment, we're told to burn esfand, an herb, to keep the evil eye away, and/or to donate money to someone less fortunate.
Every once in a while, I donate money at the supermarket to the organizations that feed children, and I've donated to the Ronald McDonald house and Children's Hospital on a regular basis.
Even though I could be considered a charity case in many ways, and I could also use that money to save (who's kidding who -- me, save? There's always some kind of emergency that eats up my emergency fund), I feel that it's time for me to allocate money to charity.
So, from the big paycheck of the month, I'm going to make a point to give $10 to each of the three charities, which I will increase as I am better off.
My parents were so socially unavailable and volunteering was a dirty word to them, almost. When I was in 9th grade and at a private school that required volunteering time, they discouraged me from volunteering from pretty much anything! Not at a hospital, because of all fo the germs (and they wonder why I never went into science?), I don't even know what I ended up doing.
However, I want my son to know the value of giving, of charity, of doing good deeds for people who may not have the resources that we do. We don't have much, but we ARE in so much of a better position than many other families in this area.
Ah, Friday night ... date night, hah! I spent the early evening fighting with my Michael Savage-loving, Obama-hating mom, who stubbornly refuses to admit any wrongdoing on George Bush's fault.
Right-wing, conspiracy-theorist nuts like Michael Savage do serve their place, but it's the people who take his prejudiced words literally that drive me nuts -- a person like that being my mom. She doesn't know anything about history, about politics really, but she'll scream at the top of her lungs that the economy is in the shitter BECAUSE of Barack Obama, not because of what's been going on in the government for the last 8 years. Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
What's messed up about ...
... the pre-eminent non-handwasher at work is that they feel free to cap on other people's faults all the live long day .... and yet there is just no way you can call out their disgusting behavior without packing up your desk for good!
Just an observation.
Just an observation.
Awkward ... another tale from cubicle-ville
My cubicle -- my home-away-from-home, is my foe, not my friend.
Even though I am fairly isolated, I'm also exposed to a frequently-travelled highway and am surrounded by people on every side of me.
It makes life tough. We all get on each other's nerves and have come to learn pretty much every detail of our respective lives.
Which is what makes it awkward for me to make my usual 2 to 3 phonecalls to check in on my son. I am pretty quiet about it, and don't usually feel like trekking to the cafeteria to do so, even though I really should. It kind of makes me mad, even, that people make comments behind my back about my phone calls, because it's bad enough that I'm separated from him all day, but I have to tone myself down when I check on him???
Today is one of those dreaded 4-hour commute days. I am just dreading the drive home tonight.
Dreading it!
Even though I am fairly isolated, I'm also exposed to a frequently-travelled highway and am surrounded by people on every side of me.
It makes life tough. We all get on each other's nerves and have come to learn pretty much every detail of our respective lives.
Which is what makes it awkward for me to make my usual 2 to 3 phonecalls to check in on my son. I am pretty quiet about it, and don't usually feel like trekking to the cafeteria to do so, even though I really should. It kind of makes me mad, even, that people make comments behind my back about my phone calls, because it's bad enough that I'm separated from him all day, but I have to tone myself down when I check on him???
Today is one of those dreaded 4-hour commute days. I am just dreading the drive home tonight.
Dreading it!
Nice to know someone cares
In today's world of cubicles, well, my world, it's easy to feel isolated, which is how I feel the majority of my day. Especially the days I commute to work from my mom's house.
This would explain my addiction to social networking sites and certain public forums I frequent. Because people respond to you - they know you exist. And for someone like me, that can mean more than anything.
This would explain my addiction to social networking sites and certain public forums I frequent. Because people respond to you - they know you exist. And for someone like me, that can mean more than anything.
Nice to know someone cares
In today's world of cubicles, well, my world, it's easy to feel isolated, which is how I feel the majority of my day. Especially the days I commute to work from my mom's house.
This would explain my addiction to social networking sites and certain public forums I frequent. Because people respond to you - they know you exist. And for someone like me, that can mean more than anything.
This would explain my addiction to social networking sites and certain public forums I frequent. Because people respond to you - they know you exist. And for someone like me, that can mean more than anything.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Insights from the world of celebs...
Celebs, who knew they could have so many insights.
I am an ardent follower of the gossip world and in my daily dose o' media, there is a larger percentage of fluff than hard reality.
In all, I don't take the gossip world too, too seriously - it's a light and easy departure from my woes and I enjoy it. It's high school times a zillion, but I'm not personally affected so who cares.
However, every once in a while I read or see something that shocks me -- wow, these celebs might just be more than the fakery they present.
From Britney Spears, something I can completely relate to:
In a candid new documentary, 'Britney: For The Record," the singer says, "I think I married for the wrong reasons.
"Instead of following my heart and doing what made me really happy, I just did it for the sake of the idea of everything."
Yep. Been there, done that.
And then this morning, I flip open my CosmoGirl (another work thing) to find these *shockingly* insightful words about dating and men from Brody Jenner, who is a reality star (the lowest of the low). I mean, reading these words, I have to wonder if they were ghostwritten for him, but they are surprisingly good:
1. If he's all about flattery, he has an agenda: When you first meet someone, you should be making each other laugh. Any guy who is only telling a girl how great or beautiful she is probably isn't totally sincere ....
2. Texting without talking spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e: ... you might be flattered because a guy is texting you all the time, but any guy who doesn't want to have a real conversation is suspicious.
3. Don't fall for the "alone time" thing: If he's really interested in you and wants to get to know you, he should be spending time with your friends and family. If all he wants to do is hang with you in private, he's got one thing on his mind.
4. P.S. I love you: watch out for guys who say I love your fight off the bat ... those guys are just saying it to get what they want. It's more like lust at first sight, not love at first sight. Love grows.
I am an ardent follower of the gossip world and in my daily dose o' media, there is a larger percentage of fluff than hard reality.
In all, I don't take the gossip world too, too seriously - it's a light and easy departure from my woes and I enjoy it. It's high school times a zillion, but I'm not personally affected so who cares.
However, every once in a while I read or see something that shocks me -- wow, these celebs might just be more than the fakery they present.
From Britney Spears, something I can completely relate to:
In a candid new documentary, 'Britney: For The Record," the singer says, "I think I married for the wrong reasons.
"Instead of following my heart and doing what made me really happy, I just did it for the sake of the idea of everything."
Yep. Been there, done that.
And then this morning, I flip open my CosmoGirl (another work thing) to find these *shockingly* insightful words about dating and men from Brody Jenner, who is a reality star (the lowest of the low). I mean, reading these words, I have to wonder if they were ghostwritten for him, but they are surprisingly good:
1. If he's all about flattery, he has an agenda: When you first meet someone, you should be making each other laugh. Any guy who is only telling a girl how great or beautiful she is probably isn't totally sincere ....
2. Texting without talking spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e: ... you might be flattered because a guy is texting you all the time, but any guy who doesn't want to have a real conversation is suspicious.
3. Don't fall for the "alone time" thing: If he's really interested in you and wants to get to know you, he should be spending time with your friends and family. If all he wants to do is hang with you in private, he's got one thing on his mind.
4. P.S. I love you: watch out for guys who say I love your fight off the bat ... those guys are just saying it to get what they want. It's more like lust at first sight, not love at first sight. Love grows.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Here's one for inspiration
Today I heard from a coworker the most inspirational real-life story I've heard in a long, long, long time.
It's the story of her life-long best friend and the crazy path her and her husbands lives have taken in the last couple years and how, all of a sudden, a call changed their lifes for the best.
In a nutshell -- My coworker's friend moved to Denver with her husband two years ago so he could pursue a job promised by a friend. When the friend bailed on them, they scrambled for jobs and made plans to move back home after their baby was born. A bout with postpartum depression and with the encouragment from the husband's friend led them to move to North Carolina six months ago, which left them struggling for money and terribly unhappy.
And then, 3 weeks ago, an unexpected but very welcome phone call from someone in the husband's past. He had a job with a famous Hollywood actor/director ... and just like that, their fortunes have changed.
They're back in Calfornia, after a whirlwind of a move, they have a home to live in that was given to them by a relative, and they have a bright, promising future.
Six months ago, would they have even believed this was possible? No -- this was the most inconceivable turn of events, and yet, it's happened for them. The impossible occured, proving that miracles do happen.
I love every second of this story, because even though you might not be totally happy with where you are at this moment (myself included), everything that is happening is happening for a reason. And even though the rewards may not be immediate, you are on a path to greatness.
I believe it!
It's the story of her life-long best friend and the crazy path her and her husbands lives have taken in the last couple years and how, all of a sudden, a call changed their lifes for the best.
In a nutshell -- My coworker's friend moved to Denver with her husband two years ago so he could pursue a job promised by a friend. When the friend bailed on them, they scrambled for jobs and made plans to move back home after their baby was born. A bout with postpartum depression and with the encouragment from the husband's friend led them to move to North Carolina six months ago, which left them struggling for money and terribly unhappy.
And then, 3 weeks ago, an unexpected but very welcome phone call from someone in the husband's past. He had a job with a famous Hollywood actor/director ... and just like that, their fortunes have changed.
They're back in Calfornia, after a whirlwind of a move, they have a home to live in that was given to them by a relative, and they have a bright, promising future.
Six months ago, would they have even believed this was possible? No -- this was the most inconceivable turn of events, and yet, it's happened for them. The impossible occured, proving that miracles do happen.
I love every second of this story, because even though you might not be totally happy with where you are at this moment (myself included), everything that is happening is happening for a reason. And even though the rewards may not be immediate, you are on a path to greatness.
I believe it!
Amen and hallelujah
Check out this article on relationships from Psychology Today, which I lifted from another blog.
So, so, so very true. This is exactly how I felt at the end of my marriage. I was the unhappily married person in every single one of these questions.
It's great food for thought, and I will definitely be framing this so I can reference it in any future relationships.
So, so, so very true. This is exactly how I felt at the end of my marriage. I was the unhappily married person in every single one of these questions.
It's great food for thought, and I will definitely be framing this so I can reference it in any future relationships.
Monday, November 17, 2008
More tales from the gym....
When you sign up for a gym and pay your dues, you don't really expect that you'll frequently come across the sight of an elderly lady's flabby and wrinkled ass when you're innocently walking to the changing room. Maybe they should put that in the contracts. I'll write them with a suggestion.
More about phonies
One thing about my mom, despite her Archie Bunker ways, is that she is good with the insights and pulls out some great ones every now and then.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to her about my then unfufilled attempts to contact Z and RM's assistant and after she went on about how mean I was to RM's assistant, she said that my then-obsession with RM was part of my tendency to fall for phonies.
She's right -- and I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I have low self-esteem and don't believe I can get anything more than that. Maybe it's because I have never really been pursued by anyone but a phony and I glob onto everything they're selling me in pure, blind faith. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, I just don't know.
In my life, I've never been one of those lucky in love types. Boys teased me mercilessly in school and I've never found myself in the social situations where you come across lots of different men, who would presumably be interested in me.
All I know is that I am hard pressed to find a date, and that's how it's always been. When I was a pre-teen and deeply obsessed with Sweet Valley Twins and other young adult fiction, I was just so in love with the idea of love and coming across the perfect boyfriend. Of course, when your 8th grade class encompasses all of 6 people, you are hard pressed for that to happen, especially when your classmates start dating the 7th grade girls -- whatever.
When my bff was pursued by a guy a year younger than us, a cute boy who bought her a stuffed shark and a box of Waterman candy, I turned to poetry to quell my inner grief and wrote a poem of longing and desperation entitled "My Turn". Back then, I was quite the accomplished poet, and this is about how it went if my memory serves me right:
All the boys pay attention to my friend
And all I can do is wonder,
When will it be my turn?
It was actually a pretty long poem, but you get the general idea.
All I wanted was a boyfriend, and I guess it was a little obvious to everyone. For Valentines day and other holidays, we used to sell candy grams and some people would send them to their friends, or to their romantic interests. Imagine my sheer delight when one year I got an ANONYMOUS one. Sheer delight.
Could it possibly have been from Jon #36, one of the basketball players at our rival Christian school 30 minutes away? I really thought so, until it came to be revealed that two of my classmates got together and got me a candygram because they felt sorry for me. Imagine that. I was a mission of romantic mercy at age 13.
It hasn't gotten much better since, and that's how I figure my life is. I wish I knew what I had to do to attract that perfect mate, and believe me, I've tried everything. Self-help books, therapy, psychic readings, tarot cards, burning candles, and online dating, which is how I met my exhusband in the first place.
In a lot of ways, I'm ashamed of my phsycial appearance and doubt my abilities to find someone who can accept them - I'm far, far, far from perfect. Lopsided through and through, with lumps of fat in places you don't really expect to find them. Hairy. Stretchmarked from here to eternity.
When I lived in LA, the way my coworkers at the fancy department stores would talk about men and their expectations of how a woman would look just scared the crap out of me even more. They were talking about a game, where women were disposable basically and men did not want to commit.
However, as many horror stories as I hear, as many stories of superficiality I read in Cosmo and other places [don't laugh - we get Cosmo at work], there are just as many stories of pure love, acceptance, fidelity, and romance that beats the odds. Why, it was even in Cosmo (I think , or maybe it was Glamour) that only 28% of men cheat, which considering how many cheating stories you hear about in the media, there is hope out there.
A while ago, I was flipping through a Redbook we'd received at work and reading these stories about how couples keep the romance alive and they just seemed so PHONY to me -- writing love notes and leaving them in purses or pockets? Cleaning someone's car just because? Making dinner for someone? Impossible! When does that really happen?
Yes, my ex WAS just a stinker. And I do fall for phonies. When WILL it be my turn?
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to her about my then unfufilled attempts to contact Z and RM's assistant and after she went on about how mean I was to RM's assistant, she said that my then-obsession with RM was part of my tendency to fall for phonies.
She's right -- and I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I have low self-esteem and don't believe I can get anything more than that. Maybe it's because I have never really been pursued by anyone but a phony and I glob onto everything they're selling me in pure, blind faith. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, I just don't know.
In my life, I've never been one of those lucky in love types. Boys teased me mercilessly in school and I've never found myself in the social situations where you come across lots of different men, who would presumably be interested in me.
All I know is that I am hard pressed to find a date, and that's how it's always been. When I was a pre-teen and deeply obsessed with Sweet Valley Twins and other young adult fiction, I was just so in love with the idea of love and coming across the perfect boyfriend. Of course, when your 8th grade class encompasses all of 6 people, you are hard pressed for that to happen, especially when your classmates start dating the 7th grade girls -- whatever.
When my bff was pursued by a guy a year younger than us, a cute boy who bought her a stuffed shark and a box of Waterman candy, I turned to poetry to quell my inner grief and wrote a poem of longing and desperation entitled "My Turn". Back then, I was quite the accomplished poet, and this is about how it went if my memory serves me right:
All the boys pay attention to my friend
And all I can do is wonder,
When will it be my turn?
It was actually a pretty long poem, but you get the general idea.
All I wanted was a boyfriend, and I guess it was a little obvious to everyone. For Valentines day and other holidays, we used to sell candy grams and some people would send them to their friends, or to their romantic interests. Imagine my sheer delight when one year I got an ANONYMOUS one. Sheer delight.
Could it possibly have been from Jon #36, one of the basketball players at our rival Christian school 30 minutes away? I really thought so, until it came to be revealed that two of my classmates got together and got me a candygram because they felt sorry for me. Imagine that. I was a mission of romantic mercy at age 13.
It hasn't gotten much better since, and that's how I figure my life is. I wish I knew what I had to do to attract that perfect mate, and believe me, I've tried everything. Self-help books, therapy, psychic readings, tarot cards, burning candles, and online dating, which is how I met my exhusband in the first place.
In a lot of ways, I'm ashamed of my phsycial appearance and doubt my abilities to find someone who can accept them - I'm far, far, far from perfect. Lopsided through and through, with lumps of fat in places you don't really expect to find them. Hairy. Stretchmarked from here to eternity.
When I lived in LA, the way my coworkers at the fancy department stores would talk about men and their expectations of how a woman would look just scared the crap out of me even more. They were talking about a game, where women were disposable basically and men did not want to commit.
However, as many horror stories as I hear, as many stories of superficiality I read in Cosmo and other places [don't laugh - we get Cosmo at work], there are just as many stories of pure love, acceptance, fidelity, and romance that beats the odds. Why, it was even in Cosmo (I think , or maybe it was Glamour) that only 28% of men cheat, which considering how many cheating stories you hear about in the media, there is hope out there.
A while ago, I was flipping through a Redbook we'd received at work and reading these stories about how couples keep the romance alive and they just seemed so PHONY to me -- writing love notes and leaving them in purses or pockets? Cleaning someone's car just because? Making dinner for someone? Impossible! When does that really happen?
Yes, my ex WAS just a stinker. And I do fall for phonies. When WILL it be my turn?
Living with Archie Bunker
It's getting worse as she's getting older and it's taken me my life to really understand the extent of it, but my mom is the female, middle eastern, middle-aged version of Archie Bunker.
She really is and it drives me bonkers!
My parents have been successful in their lives, but part of that success is backed by utter cluelessness. The type of cluelessness that makes them truly believe that George W. Bush was one of the best presidents in US history and all the economic problems the US is experiencing is the fault of Barack Obama.
Oh, and that the LA Lakers are a bunch of rapers, and she needs to watch every single Lakers game and scream 'RAPERS' every single time they score.
I am not making this up.
In fact, I am laughing, because it is so ludicrous and yet so true. Welcome to my life. In the years I wasn't speaking to my family, I honestly did not miss this whatsoever, in fact, it was a welcome break, because imagine being in your mid-20's, a working adult, and then being harrased and harrangued by someone like this on a daily basis.
It wasn't fun.
I'm not saying they are terrible people, because they really are not - just misled, in their own little world, and too old to learn new tricks. There's no hope.
The problem in my life is with my current living situation - I stay with them 3 nights a week and by the last day I am so ready to get out of there. It's not that they're bad, it's just that they're hard to be around and they're so loosey goosey with their schedule that it drives me absolutely nuts.
The big difference between my exMIL, who watches my son 3 days a week, and my mom, is that my exMIL is very scheduled, very organized, very on top of things. My mom, however, is a, ok, well he ate a big breakfast, so even though he's eating lunch at 3 pm, it's ok. It's also ok to give him Trix, a sugary cereal, because he likes it. And it was ok to give him concentrated sugary fruit juice at age 3 months, too.
AAAARGH!
The other day we were at a theme park and my mom sees a white man holding hands with his black girlfriend, which I'm sure she has seen many times in her life. I have no idea why it was this particular incident, but she felt compelled to say out loud, "That man has an AFRICAN girlfriend."
Oh,mom.
Then, when I told her about a gay friend, she said, "everyone is turning gay." yeah, mom. They're all turning gay as soon as they get out of the womb.
I foresee a difficult 30 years ahead of me.
She really is and it drives me bonkers!
My parents have been successful in their lives, but part of that success is backed by utter cluelessness. The type of cluelessness that makes them truly believe that George W. Bush was one of the best presidents in US history and all the economic problems the US is experiencing is the fault of Barack Obama.
Oh, and that the LA Lakers are a bunch of rapers, and she needs to watch every single Lakers game and scream 'RAPERS' every single time they score.
I am not making this up.
In fact, I am laughing, because it is so ludicrous and yet so true. Welcome to my life. In the years I wasn't speaking to my family, I honestly did not miss this whatsoever, in fact, it was a welcome break, because imagine being in your mid-20's, a working adult, and then being harrased and harrangued by someone like this on a daily basis.
It wasn't fun.
I'm not saying they are terrible people, because they really are not - just misled, in their own little world, and too old to learn new tricks. There's no hope.
The problem in my life is with my current living situation - I stay with them 3 nights a week and by the last day I am so ready to get out of there. It's not that they're bad, it's just that they're hard to be around and they're so loosey goosey with their schedule that it drives me absolutely nuts.
The big difference between my exMIL, who watches my son 3 days a week, and my mom, is that my exMIL is very scheduled, very organized, very on top of things. My mom, however, is a, ok, well he ate a big breakfast, so even though he's eating lunch at 3 pm, it's ok. It's also ok to give him Trix, a sugary cereal, because he likes it. And it was ok to give him concentrated sugary fruit juice at age 3 months, too.
AAAARGH!
The other day we were at a theme park and my mom sees a white man holding hands with his black girlfriend, which I'm sure she has seen many times in her life. I have no idea why it was this particular incident, but she felt compelled to say out loud, "That man has an AFRICAN girlfriend."
Oh,mom.
Then, when I told her about a gay friend, she said, "everyone is turning gay." yeah, mom. They're all turning gay as soon as they get out of the womb.
I foresee a difficult 30 years ahead of me.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Mission: Accomplished
It happened ... a week or so after I put the message out there, at 8:08 pm exactly, I heard from Radio Man's assistant. Unbelievable.
So, before I get to the juice, here's how I feel - good, like I can REALLY move forward in my life right now. Wow. Just amazing.
There really is no unfinished business in my life because I've done what I've been looking to do for the last 8 or so years. I don't even CARE if I never hear from radio man again, because I know that was just the precursor to my exhusband.
Here's what I've found out about radio man's assistant --
1. Numbers really ARE significant -- for the past few weeks I've been seeing 8:08 everywhere -- along with other numbers - and that's the exact time I saw radio man's assistant's message.
2. He's married and his wife is beautiful and they are so happy. It warms my heart -- I'm very good at reading body language in photos and they truly, truly, truly (I said that 3 times, that means it's really good) happy.
3. His email to me was very positive - means that I was making up some conflict in my head for the last 8 years.
4. The psychic was wrong!!! Back in the day, I consulted a psychic (back when I was a psycho about this stuff) and she said that of the two men in my life (radio man and radio man's assistant) one would be a taurus and one woudl be a gemini. Well, I don't know what radio man's sign is, but rm's assistant is a LIBRA! is it too late to ask for a psychic refund?
5. My dream was true -- the man I'm going to meet is someone I haven't met yet. In my dream he was tall (like rm's assistant), dark haired (like rm's assistant), and I wondered if it WAS rm's asssitant. Well, I guess not!
All in all, I feel like this is a really great start to my 30's. I love it, I love it, I love it!!!! Universe, you do me good!
So, before I get to the juice, here's how I feel - good, like I can REALLY move forward in my life right now. Wow. Just amazing.
There really is no unfinished business in my life because I've done what I've been looking to do for the last 8 or so years. I don't even CARE if I never hear from radio man again, because I know that was just the precursor to my exhusband.
Here's what I've found out about radio man's assistant --
1. Numbers really ARE significant -- for the past few weeks I've been seeing 8:08 everywhere -- along with other numbers - and that's the exact time I saw radio man's assistant's message.
2. He's married and his wife is beautiful and they are so happy. It warms my heart -- I'm very good at reading body language in photos and they truly, truly, truly (I said that 3 times, that means it's really good) happy.
3. His email to me was very positive - means that I was making up some conflict in my head for the last 8 years.
4. The psychic was wrong!!! Back in the day, I consulted a psychic (back when I was a psycho about this stuff) and she said that of the two men in my life (radio man and radio man's assistant) one would be a taurus and one woudl be a gemini. Well, I don't know what radio man's sign is, but rm's assistant is a LIBRA! is it too late to ask for a psychic refund?
5. My dream was true -- the man I'm going to meet is someone I haven't met yet. In my dream he was tall (like rm's assistant), dark haired (like rm's assistant), and I wondered if it WAS rm's asssitant. Well, I guess not!
All in all, I feel like this is a really great start to my 30's. I love it, I love it, I love it!!!! Universe, you do me good!
Wild weekend
This past weekend (it's still going on) has been one of those wild and crazy ones that happen when you're a parent. Not one of those going out all night, tieing one on, waking up with a hangover - no, those days are long over.
These days, and for the next few years, my wild nights consist of falling asleep with my day clothes on, not washing my face or brushing my teeth because I'm exhausted from running around all day with a very active boy who has a zillion times more energy than me (which is good), squeezing in errands, and not sleeping too well.
In addition to all the running around, the baby is not feeling that great and he's been waking up and staying up for chunks of time during the night. It's a mission of love, this being a parent. It's the early evening, and I had a moment where I wished someone else was around - like an adult, and then it hit me -- I'M the adult!
Last night was nutso -- you see, there are massive wildfires all around southern california that have seriously affected the air condition, and that is one big thing when you have a baby! Last night was also the night my parents took me out for my birthday dinner in los angeles proper, in the same neighborhood I'd lived in for 2 years. It was nice to be back and see all the stuff that's popped up in the 14 months I've lived 20 minutes south, but at the end of the night I was so, so, so thankful that I am out of that crazy city!
You see, even though L.A. is a city, it is so different than the city I'm used to - S.F., which is and will forever be the romantic city of my heart. L.A., as great as parts of it are, just cannot compare to my city by the bay!
By the time we'd moved to where we are now, I was so grateful and so glad - L.A. is not a place for parents at all -- I think if I'd stayed there, I would be a certified nut case by now and that is the truth!
So, there we were, I was doing the major baby wrangling in a crowded, zagat-rated restaurant, because my mom was getting her food on, and ended up changing the baby's poopy diaper in my car as traffic zoomed by. I won the mom olympics. Fo' sho'!!!
Needless to say, I was grateful to be back home! It is a good, good, good thing to live where I live!!!
These days, and for the next few years, my wild nights consist of falling asleep with my day clothes on, not washing my face or brushing my teeth because I'm exhausted from running around all day with a very active boy who has a zillion times more energy than me (which is good), squeezing in errands, and not sleeping too well.
In addition to all the running around, the baby is not feeling that great and he's been waking up and staying up for chunks of time during the night. It's a mission of love, this being a parent. It's the early evening, and I had a moment where I wished someone else was around - like an adult, and then it hit me -- I'M the adult!
Last night was nutso -- you see, there are massive wildfires all around southern california that have seriously affected the air condition, and that is one big thing when you have a baby! Last night was also the night my parents took me out for my birthday dinner in los angeles proper, in the same neighborhood I'd lived in for 2 years. It was nice to be back and see all the stuff that's popped up in the 14 months I've lived 20 minutes south, but at the end of the night I was so, so, so thankful that I am out of that crazy city!
You see, even though L.A. is a city, it is so different than the city I'm used to - S.F., which is and will forever be the romantic city of my heart. L.A., as great as parts of it are, just cannot compare to my city by the bay!
By the time we'd moved to where we are now, I was so grateful and so glad - L.A. is not a place for parents at all -- I think if I'd stayed there, I would be a certified nut case by now and that is the truth!
So, there we were, I was doing the major baby wrangling in a crowded, zagat-rated restaurant, because my mom was getting her food on, and ended up changing the baby's poopy diaper in my car as traffic zoomed by. I won the mom olympics. Fo' sho'!!!
Needless to say, I was grateful to be back home! It is a good, good, good thing to live where I live!!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Call me a monkey's uncle
I just got an email from my old friend Z. and it was a very positive and loving note. Talk about a shock - I haven't felt that kind of a good surprise in a very long time.
Wow. Just... wow.
Wow. Just... wow.
Some peoples just like to talk
On my way to gym during today's lunch, I realized it's been almost a year since I've been back to work and the same amount of time since I've been making lunchtime gym visits.
This is peak early-bird special time at the gym.
There are a few other people like me - running to the gym for a quick workout during lunch - but for the most part, the people I see at the gym are either old/retired or somewhat young/don't work.
And boy, does this group like to TALK.
The big difference between me and them is that I'm there on a mission - I have 20 minutes to get in and out and usually want to get out as fast as I can, which can cause some problems especially since I'm darting and dodging behind people who are firmly settled in for the next 2 to 3 hours. A little treadmill here, maybe a weight lifted there, and always a stint in the steam room.
Even the janitors get in on it - having long, long, long conversations with their regulars in between mops. Lately, though, I haven't seen many of the janitors during lunch time - I think they were gently averted to less busy time periods, which is good because these ladies just LOVE to get all up in your business, which is part of today's problem.
In general, I'm not they type who likes to sit around and exchange pleasantries at the gym, mostly because of the time factor and also because those ladies just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to gossip and it's ridiculous. Along with the fact that they don't work, they obviously don't have the largest social circle and the gym is their place to get all their socializing done. I don't need their drama, though, so I keep my head down, move fast, and keep my headphones on.
Today, this one woman came up to me in the locker room and started speaking in Spanish. It's been my life long thing - everyone just naturally assumes I speak Spanish, due to my looks which aren't tell-tale middle eastern. I just said to her - I don't speak Spanish, and started moving on to re-tie my shoes.
She then started saying somethign else to me that I didn't understand and I said again, I don't speak spanish, and she said something that sounded like I wasnt' speaking spanish.
The truth is, I do understand spanish very well, but my conversational spanish isn't the best, and more honestly, I really didn't want to get swept up in a conversation with her. I didn't care, and then went to the gym until I realized I'd forgotten my gym towel. When i went back, there she was, blabbering on and on and on to everyone in the gym who spoke spanish about me and what had happened and how I'd apparently offended her big time. Such drama!
I just kept going, kept my head down, and got to my workout, which I greatly enjoyed. And it was totally drama-free.
This is peak early-bird special time at the gym.
There are a few other people like me - running to the gym for a quick workout during lunch - but for the most part, the people I see at the gym are either old/retired or somewhat young/don't work.
And boy, does this group like to TALK.
The big difference between me and them is that I'm there on a mission - I have 20 minutes to get in and out and usually want to get out as fast as I can, which can cause some problems especially since I'm darting and dodging behind people who are firmly settled in for the next 2 to 3 hours. A little treadmill here, maybe a weight lifted there, and always a stint in the steam room.
Even the janitors get in on it - having long, long, long conversations with their regulars in between mops. Lately, though, I haven't seen many of the janitors during lunch time - I think they were gently averted to less busy time periods, which is good because these ladies just LOVE to get all up in your business, which is part of today's problem.
In general, I'm not they type who likes to sit around and exchange pleasantries at the gym, mostly because of the time factor and also because those ladies just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to gossip and it's ridiculous. Along with the fact that they don't work, they obviously don't have the largest social circle and the gym is their place to get all their socializing done. I don't need their drama, though, so I keep my head down, move fast, and keep my headphones on.
Today, this one woman came up to me in the locker room and started speaking in Spanish. It's been my life long thing - everyone just naturally assumes I speak Spanish, due to my looks which aren't tell-tale middle eastern. I just said to her - I don't speak Spanish, and started moving on to re-tie my shoes.
She then started saying somethign else to me that I didn't understand and I said again, I don't speak spanish, and she said something that sounded like I wasnt' speaking spanish.
The truth is, I do understand spanish very well, but my conversational spanish isn't the best, and more honestly, I really didn't want to get swept up in a conversation with her. I didn't care, and then went to the gym until I realized I'd forgotten my gym towel. When i went back, there she was, blabbering on and on and on to everyone in the gym who spoke spanish about me and what had happened and how I'd apparently offended her big time. Such drama!
I just kept going, kept my head down, and got to my workout, which I greatly enjoyed. And it was totally drama-free.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
It's times like these I'm glad for my blog ...
There are times I just want to vent to someone, anyone, and having this blog is the best thing for those times.
People suck and I hate dealing with them,sometimes. As long as I've been working and as much as I've worked in positions where I have to deal with readers or listeners, people get under your skin no matter how thick it is.
I just had a person trying to subscribe to our magazine throw a hissy fit for nothing I could handle. I mean, really, I couldn't. But, he took the opportunity to ream me out. I was very professional, I handled it well, and I didn't get upset, but he f-ing sucks!
It's situations like that that make me want to pack my bags and move to the mountains with the mole people. But, I do know that those situations aren't really about the problems, they're about control and you're just the unwilling target.
Ugh.
At our weekly work meeting this morning, two higher ups were joking around about how they wish they could work in retail or waitressing so they didn't have to deal with deadlines. Hah! When I was in retail I could not WAIT to get out of it, so I wouldn't be treated like chattel for once.
There was one time in my makeup artist career when a woman was trying to hit me up to do her makeup for her wedding for free when her baby's diaper exploded onto the floor. Who had to clean it up? Me.
And then there were always those mentally unstable women who would spend HOURS (literally) debating the minute differences in shades and demanding you critically evaluate every single one along with them.
And then there were those zany wealthy women who would bring their dogs with them. Enough said.
Yesterday I was reading an article about the increase in rudeness in America how a lot of waiters complain that they're treated like servants because they serve people and get paid in tips. And you know, that's true. Like I've written before, when you work in a service industry, that's what you really are -- a paid servant.
My current job isn't a service position, but as the catchall admin person, I get a lot (A LOT) of the flak, and it wears on me.
I not, but I am fairly melancholy lately. Times are tough. This year has been an exercise in surviving emotional torture. Times are uncertain for me and millions of others.
What's so wrong with a little peace, love, and understanding?
People suck and I hate dealing with them,sometimes. As long as I've been working and as much as I've worked in positions where I have to deal with readers or listeners, people get under your skin no matter how thick it is.
I just had a person trying to subscribe to our magazine throw a hissy fit for nothing I could handle. I mean, really, I couldn't. But, he took the opportunity to ream me out. I was very professional, I handled it well, and I didn't get upset, but he f-ing sucks!
It's situations like that that make me want to pack my bags and move to the mountains with the mole people. But, I do know that those situations aren't really about the problems, they're about control and you're just the unwilling target.
Ugh.
At our weekly work meeting this morning, two higher ups were joking around about how they wish they could work in retail or waitressing so they didn't have to deal with deadlines. Hah! When I was in retail I could not WAIT to get out of it, so I wouldn't be treated like chattel for once.
There was one time in my makeup artist career when a woman was trying to hit me up to do her makeup for her wedding for free when her baby's diaper exploded onto the floor. Who had to clean it up? Me.
And then there were always those mentally unstable women who would spend HOURS (literally) debating the minute differences in shades and demanding you critically evaluate every single one along with them.
And then there were those zany wealthy women who would bring their dogs with them. Enough said.
Yesterday I was reading an article about the increase in rudeness in America how a lot of waiters complain that they're treated like servants because they serve people and get paid in tips. And you know, that's true. Like I've written before, when you work in a service industry, that's what you really are -- a paid servant.
My current job isn't a service position, but as the catchall admin person, I get a lot (A LOT) of the flak, and it wears on me.
I not, but I am fairly melancholy lately. Times are tough. This year has been an exercise in surviving emotional torture. Times are uncertain for me and millions of others.
What's so wrong with a little peace, love, and understanding?
Snubbed
In spite of the many, many, many birthday wishes yesterday, which were wholeheartedly appreciated by me, I found myself also snubbed entirely by a couple of people who are a part of my life ... well, not really anymore, I guess.
The biggest snub came from my exMIL's husband's daughter, who adores the baby and gives him gifts for different occasions and spends a lot of time with him. Even though we are not technically related, and even more so because of the divorce, she always sends me pictures of her nieces/nephews and we've exchagned gifts before. Even for her birthday I got her a $25 gift card, which was a LOT for me.
And even though she has been at her dad's/my exMIL's house every day, nary a card or even a simple birthday wish. Last night when I went to pick up the baby, she was in the kitchen and when I came she left to take a shower.
That was just more than a little rude.
Well, the positive side is that it makes my Christmas gift giving drama just a little bit easier. I was debating getting gift cards in addition to cookies for everyone, and now it's just cookies for everyone, not even a little gift card for the baby's 2 step-cousins. Forget them! Money is tight and if I'm going to spend it on anyone, it's going to be for me, my parents, my exMIL, and my son because those are the people who truly are a part of my family.
I don't even WANT to go to the annual Christmas Eve present exchange at my exMIL's house - I think I'll just drop of the baby with his dad and call it a day, or night, as you will.
It's all good.
The biggest snub came from my exMIL's husband's daughter, who adores the baby and gives him gifts for different occasions and spends a lot of time with him. Even though we are not technically related, and even more so because of the divorce, she always sends me pictures of her nieces/nephews and we've exchagned gifts before. Even for her birthday I got her a $25 gift card, which was a LOT for me.
And even though she has been at her dad's/my exMIL's house every day, nary a card or even a simple birthday wish. Last night when I went to pick up the baby, she was in the kitchen and when I came she left to take a shower.
That was just more than a little rude.
Well, the positive side is that it makes my Christmas gift giving drama just a little bit easier. I was debating getting gift cards in addition to cookies for everyone, and now it's just cookies for everyone, not even a little gift card for the baby's 2 step-cousins. Forget them! Money is tight and if I'm going to spend it on anyone, it's going to be for me, my parents, my exMIL, and my son because those are the people who truly are a part of my family.
I don't even WANT to go to the annual Christmas Eve present exchange at my exMIL's house - I think I'll just drop of the baby with his dad and call it a day, or night, as you will.
It's all good.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
It was a good day ...
My birthday is here, and I'm no longer a 20-something, but now a full-fledged member of the 30-something crowd.
When I was a girl, 30 seemed so old, so far away, so GROWN-UP, and I'm proud to report that I feel as youthful as ever, maybe even more so than when I was even 21.
My feelings about 30 are positive and even though it's very weird to think I am actually THIRTY, I really do think the best is yet to come, that all the hard-earned lessons of my past are going to create something extremely positive and beautiful.
I remember in my early 20's I was so desperate to learn how the world works. Having been sheltered my whole life, those lessons weren't very easy to learn, but my mission was accomplished. There is still so much more ahead of me to discover, but I've come so far and now is the time for me to help a new generation learn the ropes.
To be truthful, my celebration wasn't ideal, but it was beautiful and fun and I am happy. My coworkers took me to lunch, treated me to cupcakes and I had dinner with my son, and then topped it off with a celebratory beer. I haven't had a drink in a long, long time, so the couple of sips I took did me in!
My parents are taking me to dinner this Saturday and that will be fun, too. My ex-husband gave me a $50 Visa gift card, which he didn't have to do, but I do appreciate it very much.
Last year this time was a bit murky - I was still on maternity leave, still in new mom exhaustion mode, not all that happy with my ex at all, and worried about so many things!
This year, the circumstances are so much improved! I am infintely happier, not as worried, and confident that I've made the right decisions and that every step I'm taking is one in the right direction.
My goals for this year are to fulfill a long-made promise to myself and to keep pushing myself forward. My big goal is to keep a savings going. I want to pay down as much debt as possible and then if I get a tax refund, to buy a washer and dryer so I can be a little less dependent on my exMIL for doing my laundry.
It's gonna happen! I can feel it!
When I was a girl, 30 seemed so old, so far away, so GROWN-UP, and I'm proud to report that I feel as youthful as ever, maybe even more so than when I was even 21.
My feelings about 30 are positive and even though it's very weird to think I am actually THIRTY, I really do think the best is yet to come, that all the hard-earned lessons of my past are going to create something extremely positive and beautiful.
I remember in my early 20's I was so desperate to learn how the world works. Having been sheltered my whole life, those lessons weren't very easy to learn, but my mission was accomplished. There is still so much more ahead of me to discover, but I've come so far and now is the time for me to help a new generation learn the ropes.
To be truthful, my celebration wasn't ideal, but it was beautiful and fun and I am happy. My coworkers took me to lunch, treated me to cupcakes and I had dinner with my son, and then topped it off with a celebratory beer. I haven't had a drink in a long, long time, so the couple of sips I took did me in!
My parents are taking me to dinner this Saturday and that will be fun, too. My ex-husband gave me a $50 Visa gift card, which he didn't have to do, but I do appreciate it very much.
Last year this time was a bit murky - I was still on maternity leave, still in new mom exhaustion mode, not all that happy with my ex at all, and worried about so many things!
This year, the circumstances are so much improved! I am infintely happier, not as worried, and confident that I've made the right decisions and that every step I'm taking is one in the right direction.
My goals for this year are to fulfill a long-made promise to myself and to keep pushing myself forward. My big goal is to keep a savings going. I want to pay down as much debt as possible and then if I get a tax refund, to buy a washer and dryer so I can be a little less dependent on my exMIL for doing my laundry.
It's gonna happen! I can feel it!
Monday, November 10, 2008
It still bothers me,even though it shouldn't...
... the coworker giving me the cold shoulder, even though she sits right next to me. And that's why I have to post about it.
I've come to realize that she is a) young, b) a big old brown-noser, and c) is an opportunist. That is, she's only friendly (and so fake about it - and I think me and my work bff are the only ones who realize this) to people she thinks are going to get her ahead somewhere.
I was looking at some photos of another coworker that had her in them and from her body language I can tell that she's socially awkward (another Shrek, inside joke), uncomfortable, and not authentic. There is never an authentic smile and the body positioning is not in sync with the rest of the group.
It just bugs me that she's such an asshole! And I don't make any excuses for being around her ... I take up lots of space when we're in the hallway together, am loud on the phone, slam my desk drawers whenever she slams hers, which is all the time. Beotch.
I guess we can't always have friends, but this is bullshit. And why hasn't she gotten promoted yet? In her position, a beginning editor's post, she should have been promoted a long time ago and out of my way... Ugh! They even hired another person at her level who sits next to me and is not as psycho as she is.
For my birthday, I wish the universe to grant her a promotion, so she's outta my way! Please, oh, please, oh PLEASE universe!
I've come to realize that she is a) young, b) a big old brown-noser, and c) is an opportunist. That is, she's only friendly (and so fake about it - and I think me and my work bff are the only ones who realize this) to people she thinks are going to get her ahead somewhere.
I was looking at some photos of another coworker that had her in them and from her body language I can tell that she's socially awkward (another Shrek, inside joke), uncomfortable, and not authentic. There is never an authentic smile and the body positioning is not in sync with the rest of the group.
It just bugs me that she's such an asshole! And I don't make any excuses for being around her ... I take up lots of space when we're in the hallway together, am loud on the phone, slam my desk drawers whenever she slams hers, which is all the time. Beotch.
I guess we can't always have friends, but this is bullshit. And why hasn't she gotten promoted yet? In her position, a beginning editor's post, she should have been promoted a long time ago and out of my way... Ugh! They even hired another person at her level who sits next to me and is not as psycho as she is.
For my birthday, I wish the universe to grant her a promotion, so she's outta my way! Please, oh, please, oh PLEASE universe!
Tears, for a good cause
A few months back, I became aware of (and posted about) a website in honor of a baby who was born with multiple disabilities and subsequently died at 16 months old as a result of his problems.
For some reason the story of this little boy and his two loving parents just got straight to my core and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. His parents are so faithful that it inspires me to no end - truly good-hearted people.
I made a couple of donations in memory of this baby and today I received a thank you note in the mail from his mother along with a little picture of the baby.
And I haven't been able to stop crying.
You see, there ARE good people in this world and it's not as full as corruption as I've been led to believe.
Coincidentally (or not), last night I was thinking about his parents and praying and praying and praying that God will bless them with a healthy child. They are two very loving people and I would make amazing parents and I hope so much that they receive this blessing.
For some reason the story of this little boy and his two loving parents just got straight to my core and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. His parents are so faithful that it inspires me to no end - truly good-hearted people.
I made a couple of donations in memory of this baby and today I received a thank you note in the mail from his mother along with a little picture of the baby.
And I haven't been able to stop crying.
You see, there ARE good people in this world and it's not as full as corruption as I've been led to believe.
Coincidentally (or not), last night I was thinking about his parents and praying and praying and praying that God will bless them with a healthy child. They are two very loving people and I would make amazing parents and I hope so much that they receive this blessing.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
And another thing ...
Today I had a rare phone conversation with my most faithful reader. Rare, because I am never able to grab a few moments to chat on the phone with anyone, but today I stayed home from my customary weekend walk because of those howling Santa Ana's, and he happened to call when when the baby was napping.
He's going through a similar life situation - moved and changed his entire life to care for his aging grandma while his dad is taking the approach my ex has taken towards me and my son. Hands off, emotionally and mentally.
Today I was telling my friend about my commute frustrations from this week - the day I was in traffic for a total of 4 hours and ended up entirely upset about it all. He said, you know, all you want is someone to check in on you, to see how you're doing. So, so, so, so, so true!
When I finally arrived home to my mom's house, the first thing she said was, "couldn't you come any earlier?" Uh, no?
You see, my parents pick my middle sister up from her university 40 miles away and need to leave about 7:30 ... I left work at 5 pm and got to their house right at 7:30 ... I couldn't help any of that traffic, and as much as I love my family, that really stung.
No sympathy, no empanthy, just why couldn't you hurry the hell up. And, to boot, the baby was sleeping, making the time I got to spend with him awake during that day a whopping 15 minutes.
Oh, where oh where is that winning lottery ticket?
He's going through a similar life situation - moved and changed his entire life to care for his aging grandma while his dad is taking the approach my ex has taken towards me and my son. Hands off, emotionally and mentally.
Today I was telling my friend about my commute frustrations from this week - the day I was in traffic for a total of 4 hours and ended up entirely upset about it all. He said, you know, all you want is someone to check in on you, to see how you're doing. So, so, so, so, so true!
When I finally arrived home to my mom's house, the first thing she said was, "couldn't you come any earlier?" Uh, no?
You see, my parents pick my middle sister up from her university 40 miles away and need to leave about 7:30 ... I left work at 5 pm and got to their house right at 7:30 ... I couldn't help any of that traffic, and as much as I love my family, that really stung.
No sympathy, no empanthy, just why couldn't you hurry the hell up. And, to boot, the baby was sleeping, making the time I got to spend with him awake during that day a whopping 15 minutes.
Oh, where oh where is that winning lottery ticket?
Sicko
My baby is sick, I am sick, and I am also very tired. Sick + tired, and gotta keep moving.
While I have a cold, my boy has a really bad rash on his bottom that I suspect is more than just an innocent rash, in addition to having diarhea. Definitely going to the doctor tomorrow or Tuesday!
I wish I could call in sick tomorrow and sleep a bit while my exMIL watches him, but I only have 9 sick hours left and I gotta save those for just-in-case because I don't have all that many vacation hours, either.
There are a lot of benefits to working for a privately-owned company, and yet, a lot of things that are done bass-ackwards in relation to the rest of the corporate world, and in the spirit of smaller companies, they insist that all these things are quite normal.
For example, instead of the standard 10 sick days, we only get 6 per year, and if you have a child and also have to account for your own sick days, you can go through those pretty fast.
Not to mention, the company collects quite a few people on the weird/crazy side of life. It's like the company is a magnet for such people, including one in a very high position who never, ever washes their hands after using the bathroom and another one who also holds an elected office and is notorious for masturbating in the bathrooms throughout the day. It's a mess.
Today I celebrated my birthday with my exMIL and baby and it was a very casual but fun day. I had planned to take the baby to the beach for the first time, but the howling Santa Ana winds had other plans for us ... we ended up eating at Ruby's by the beach, and then took baby to a local free aquarium. It was a really cute, simple day and I enjoyed it.
My exMIL and exFIL sang happy birthday over cupcakes (store bought, not the gourmet kind - as an unofficial cupcake snob I feel obligated to mention that) and they gave me $50, which was very sweet of them. My exMIL mentioned that she considers me family and I agree ... she is part of my family, too, and it will always be that way.
Maybe it's because my birthday isn't actually until Tuesday and maybe people are waiting, but the standard in-law family didn't have any kind of card or gift for me, which was kind of heartbreaking. This past year I've always had a gift or card for people, and though I don't expect anything in return ... damn!
Well, on to the work week I go. Hi ho, hi ho.
While I have a cold, my boy has a really bad rash on his bottom that I suspect is more than just an innocent rash, in addition to having diarhea. Definitely going to the doctor tomorrow or Tuesday!
I wish I could call in sick tomorrow and sleep a bit while my exMIL watches him, but I only have 9 sick hours left and I gotta save those for just-in-case because I don't have all that many vacation hours, either.
There are a lot of benefits to working for a privately-owned company, and yet, a lot of things that are done bass-ackwards in relation to the rest of the corporate world, and in the spirit of smaller companies, they insist that all these things are quite normal.
For example, instead of the standard 10 sick days, we only get 6 per year, and if you have a child and also have to account for your own sick days, you can go through those pretty fast.
Not to mention, the company collects quite a few people on the weird/crazy side of life. It's like the company is a magnet for such people, including one in a very high position who never, ever washes their hands after using the bathroom and another one who also holds an elected office and is notorious for masturbating in the bathrooms throughout the day. It's a mess.
Today I celebrated my birthday with my exMIL and baby and it was a very casual but fun day. I had planned to take the baby to the beach for the first time, but the howling Santa Ana winds had other plans for us ... we ended up eating at Ruby's by the beach, and then took baby to a local free aquarium. It was a really cute, simple day and I enjoyed it.
My exMIL and exFIL sang happy birthday over cupcakes (store bought, not the gourmet kind - as an unofficial cupcake snob I feel obligated to mention that) and they gave me $50, which was very sweet of them. My exMIL mentioned that she considers me family and I agree ... she is part of my family, too, and it will always be that way.
Maybe it's because my birthday isn't actually until Tuesday and maybe people are waiting, but the standard in-law family didn't have any kind of card or gift for me, which was kind of heartbreaking. This past year I've always had a gift or card for people, and though I don't expect anything in return ... damn!
Well, on to the work week I go. Hi ho, hi ho.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Nice to know
In my day-to-day life as a single mom, I feel extremely isolated. I just don't know any other single parents and no one who can relate to the experience of working and raising a boy pretty much on their own, although lots of grandma help is involved.
It is really tough sometimes, and if I didn't have my blog, I don't know what I would do. So, after all these months of being a single mom, I stumble across another single mom's website and enter a whole new world of single parenthood.
Turns out, there are lots and lots of other single parents out there who also blog, and the remarkable thing is -- I can totally related to them! And it is so good to know I'm not alone!
I am up way later than I planned to be tonight - I am so exhausted from the past week, have a small cold, and the baby woke up extra early this morning and I've been on the go non-stop since dark o'clock. Like I mentioned oh so many times, this week was REALLY rough ... my mom mentioned that it's been about a year since I've been back to work and that made me realize I've been doing this rough commute for a year already. Wow.
Well, the glass half-full answer to this is -- cool! One year down, 2 more to go until the baby is in school and I can move somewhere in between here and my mom's since that would make more sense. The glass half-empty response is -- a year of exhaustion and who knows how many more years of this torture. I hate that I've been missing out a significant portion of my son's life by sitting in traffic and no one gives a crap but me. Even if Ido end up moving I can't afford anything and who knows if I'll even have a better paying job then.
Which perspective to embrace??? I can't quite decide.
It is really tough sometimes, and if I didn't have my blog, I don't know what I would do. So, after all these months of being a single mom, I stumble across another single mom's website and enter a whole new world of single parenthood.
Turns out, there are lots and lots of other single parents out there who also blog, and the remarkable thing is -- I can totally related to them! And it is so good to know I'm not alone!
I am up way later than I planned to be tonight - I am so exhausted from the past week, have a small cold, and the baby woke up extra early this morning and I've been on the go non-stop since dark o'clock. Like I mentioned oh so many times, this week was REALLY rough ... my mom mentioned that it's been about a year since I've been back to work and that made me realize I've been doing this rough commute for a year already. Wow.
Well, the glass half-full answer to this is -- cool! One year down, 2 more to go until the baby is in school and I can move somewhere in between here and my mom's since that would make more sense. The glass half-empty response is -- a year of exhaustion and who knows how many more years of this torture. I hate that I've been missing out a significant portion of my son's life by sitting in traffic and no one gives a crap but me. Even if Ido end up moving I can't afford anything and who knows if I'll even have a better paying job then.
Which perspective to embrace??? I can't quite decide.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Unhealthy
Right now is a tough time for me. Tough, meaning that I am really struggling to stay positive, to keep focused, and deal with my life as it exists right now.
It doesn't help that right now I am under an extreme amount of pressure and it's not that I can't take criticism, it's just that there needs to be some kind of relief for me.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me - work was tough, I have the world's most annoying cubicle mate ever, I got a couple of nasty emails from my supervisors, I had a commute that totaled 4 hours, my son was asleep when I got to my parent's house, my mom makes an announcement that throws a serious wrench in my schedule, and I was worried about finances for the month ahead.
Then, I get this email from The Universe (really, that's who it says its from):
It takes a BIG person to accept full responsibility for their own happiness.
It takes an even BIGGER person to accept full responsibility for their own unhappiness.
But, it takes a spiritual GIANT, who upon realizing any degree of unhappiness, decides to be the change they seek - in spite of having to endure the "same old, same old" that may still linger on for awhile.
Yeah.
Fee-Fi-Foe-Fum, The Universe
Ok, so I get it -I have to be the one making the changes. So, let's come up with solutions. Ok, I'll try, I really will.
Work - I have to be super on top of things. Counter whine: I am so overloaded that it is HARD for me to keep track of things.
Home - I need more sleep. Counter whine: I have too much crap to do and cannot outsource it cause I'm po'
Solution: ?????? I want to say a new job, but given the economy ...... yeah bloody right.
Crazy Commute: Maybe leave my parent's home really, really, really early to avoid traffic and get home in time to see my baby when he's awake? Not a bad idea, in fact, that's a smart solution.
What to do, what to do... I wish it were easier to be me, sometimes. I love being busy, don't get me wrong, but I don't like being busy when not much gets accomplished.
Thinking of finances, I realized that when the flames of the holiday season die down, I need to refocus and re-establish a firm spending plan and start to have a little fluff fund. I had a nice fluff fund for a while, but that hasn't been around ever since I bought my new car. But, I do know that I must, must, must get back to that.
Also, in a few months (when I can) I'm going to look into refinancing my student and car loans. My hospital bills and visa bill are going down and they will be paid off pretty soon (in a year, I hope) if I keep at them.
I'm just crossing my fingers and keeping my eyes open for any opportunity for every part of my life right now.
It doesn't help that right now I am under an extreme amount of pressure and it's not that I can't take criticism, it's just that there needs to be some kind of relief for me.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me - work was tough, I have the world's most annoying cubicle mate ever, I got a couple of nasty emails from my supervisors, I had a commute that totaled 4 hours, my son was asleep when I got to my parent's house, my mom makes an announcement that throws a serious wrench in my schedule, and I was worried about finances for the month ahead.
Then, I get this email from The Universe (really, that's who it says its from):
It takes a BIG person to accept full responsibility for their own happiness.
It takes an even BIGGER person to accept full responsibility for their own unhappiness.
But, it takes a spiritual GIANT, who upon realizing any degree of unhappiness, decides to be the change they seek - in spite of having to endure the "same old, same old" that may still linger on for awhile.
Yeah.
Fee-Fi-Foe-Fum, The Universe
Ok, so I get it -I have to be the one making the changes. So, let's come up with solutions. Ok, I'll try, I really will.
Work - I have to be super on top of things. Counter whine: I am so overloaded that it is HARD for me to keep track of things.
Home - I need more sleep. Counter whine: I have too much crap to do and cannot outsource it cause I'm po'
Solution: ?????? I want to say a new job, but given the economy ...... yeah bloody right.
Crazy Commute: Maybe leave my parent's home really, really, really early to avoid traffic and get home in time to see my baby when he's awake? Not a bad idea, in fact, that's a smart solution.
What to do, what to do... I wish it were easier to be me, sometimes. I love being busy, don't get me wrong, but I don't like being busy when not much gets accomplished.
Thinking of finances, I realized that when the flames of the holiday season die down, I need to refocus and re-establish a firm spending plan and start to have a little fluff fund. I had a nice fluff fund for a while, but that hasn't been around ever since I bought my new car. But, I do know that I must, must, must get back to that.
Also, in a few months (when I can) I'm going to look into refinancing my student and car loans. My hospital bills and visa bill are going down and they will be paid off pretty soon (in a year, I hope) if I keep at them.
I'm just crossing my fingers and keeping my eyes open for any opportunity for every part of my life right now.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Ok, PHEW
Things aren't going to be as doom and gloom as I thought - I get 2 puny paychecks in the month of November, and the last one will coincide with the date my rent is due, so I have a little MORE flexibility than I thought.
Phew! Phew! Phew!
We can go back to our regularly scheduled moaning and groaning.
Phew! Phew! Phew!
We can go back to our regularly scheduled moaning and groaning.
Ok, big freak out...
Last week, we got an email from accounting that 3 of the next few paychecks will be greatly reduced, due to the holiday schedule. By greatly reduced, I mean positively puney.
Well, one of those is next week, which coincides with the rent being due.
And now I want to puke.
It's one of those times where I just want to throw my hands up, give in, apply for a credit card, and subsequently charge my life away.
Yes, I intriniscally know that it will be ok, but it just SUCKS really bad, especially since it's the holiday season and I have no extra money at all. I don't even know if I can get the little guy that great of a present, but I'll find a way to pull it out.
I had already decided I was going to make cookies for everyone, and maybe a little gift card, but now it's stricktly cookies in nice packaging. That's all.
Things will be better in January, for sure, because that's when I go back to having $300 a month in child support (half kicked in by my exMIL) since she's almost done paying down the loan I made from her for repairs to my old car. That is going to help out a LOT.
To add flame to the fire, today is one of those days everyone around me has collective amnesia - they don't remember reading the string of emails I've written, don't remember how much work I actually have on my plate, don't remember conversations we've had.
Oh, dear me.
Well, one of those is next week, which coincides with the rent being due.
And now I want to puke.
It's one of those times where I just want to throw my hands up, give in, apply for a credit card, and subsequently charge my life away.
Yes, I intriniscally know that it will be ok, but it just SUCKS really bad, especially since it's the holiday season and I have no extra money at all. I don't even know if I can get the little guy that great of a present, but I'll find a way to pull it out.
I had already decided I was going to make cookies for everyone, and maybe a little gift card, but now it's stricktly cookies in nice packaging. That's all.
Things will be better in January, for sure, because that's when I go back to having $300 a month in child support (half kicked in by my exMIL) since she's almost done paying down the loan I made from her for repairs to my old car. That is going to help out a LOT.
To add flame to the fire, today is one of those days everyone around me has collective amnesia - they don't remember reading the string of emails I've written, don't remember how much work I actually have on my plate, don't remember conversations we've had.
Oh, dear me.
Grumpledy grumples
Oy, today was a classic 2 hour commute from my mom's house and boy am I ever the GRUMP because of it.
At one point, I screamed really loudly, to myself, "I HATE THIS!", but then I realized the futility of it all because not only does it not make me feel better, no one else gets to hear my whine, bitch, and moan and other wise take some of my negative energy from it.
Yes, I am grateful for my job, but I need a break from this damned running around on a hamster's wheel. Arrgh.
Ok, just needed to get that out of my system.
Thanks for listening.
At one point, I screamed really loudly, to myself, "I HATE THIS!", but then I realized the futility of it all because not only does it not make me feel better, no one else gets to hear my whine, bitch, and moan and other wise take some of my negative energy from it.
Yes, I am grateful for my job, but I need a break from this damned running around on a hamster's wheel. Arrgh.
Ok, just needed to get that out of my system.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Unions
As I was driving home from work last night, I started thinking about love and marriage. In the long-term marriages I’ve witnessed in my life, I’m not really sure if love remains. Of course it isn’t, and can hardly be expected to be, the type of romantic love that happens in the beginning of a relationship.
Is that possible? I’m not sure, but I think those cases are very rare, where the lust you felt for someone remains charged years and years after the relationship first begins.
So, what is a marriage? What is love in a marriage? I’m really curious to delve deeper into this subject and figure it out for once and for all.
My marriage was not filled with the type of love I ever thought existed in a union. In the beginning, it was a combination of things that brought us together and likewise broke us apart – obsession, lust, longing. In the second part of our marriage – after we got back together – we were built from loneliness, not knowing anything different, and a lack of self-esteem.
I don’t know if I ever truly loved my ex-husband, is what I’m trying to say. At first I thought I did, and I remember weeping over the phone when he broke up with me from Lebanon, “don’t you love me anymore?” His answer, “of course I do.” Did he ever love me, though? And did I ever love him?
I know I depended on him, I know I needed to be around him, I know I believed in him and put up with a lot of shit from him, but that wasn’t love.
The second time around was definitely not love. It was being back with the familiar, with the good side of him, but how quickly that was replaced with his “normal” self. How quickly I let my anger towards him come out. How quickly I expressed my anger toward him in a variety of ways. How cynical I was.
And then, in the evening, the speech from our president elect, with words that sound oh-so unfamiliar to me: “To my best friend, my wife, the love of my life, the rock of our family….”
That’s what I’m looking for. Is it possible for me? I’m not sure I believe it, but I want to.
Is that possible? I’m not sure, but I think those cases are very rare, where the lust you felt for someone remains charged years and years after the relationship first begins.
So, what is a marriage? What is love in a marriage? I’m really curious to delve deeper into this subject and figure it out for once and for all.
My marriage was not filled with the type of love I ever thought existed in a union. In the beginning, it was a combination of things that brought us together and likewise broke us apart – obsession, lust, longing. In the second part of our marriage – after we got back together – we were built from loneliness, not knowing anything different, and a lack of self-esteem.
I don’t know if I ever truly loved my ex-husband, is what I’m trying to say. At first I thought I did, and I remember weeping over the phone when he broke up with me from Lebanon, “don’t you love me anymore?” His answer, “of course I do.” Did he ever love me, though? And did I ever love him?
I know I depended on him, I know I needed to be around him, I know I believed in him and put up with a lot of shit from him, but that wasn’t love.
The second time around was definitely not love. It was being back with the familiar, with the good side of him, but how quickly that was replaced with his “normal” self. How quickly I let my anger towards him come out. How quickly I expressed my anger toward him in a variety of ways. How cynical I was.
And then, in the evening, the speech from our president elect, with words that sound oh-so unfamiliar to me: “To my best friend, my wife, the love of my life, the rock of our family….”
That’s what I’m looking for. Is it possible for me? I’m not sure I believe it, but I want to.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Today is the day ...
That I am officially single once more.
I am not married, nor separated, nor in the process of a divorce.
I am divorced.
I am free.
I celebrated with Pinkberry for lunch.
I am not married, nor separated, nor in the process of a divorce.
I am divorced.
I am free.
I celebrated with Pinkberry for lunch.
Proud to be an American ....
Today, for the first time since I've been able to vote, I actually went and voted in an election.
I am so proud of my country, so proud to be an American, and so proud to have the right to vote without fear or intimidation or discrimination because of my gender.
I do believe we will be electing the first non-white president, and that fact alone makes my heart soar. I admire Obama for so many reasons - for his candor, for his spirit, for his energy, and the fact that he is a reflection of what America really is and what we need as a leader.
Where I grew up in Northern California was a true melting pot - we were right by an air force base and the majority of my friends were either 2nd generation Amercians like me, or mixed race. Until this election, I never felt connected to a candidate and I never felt that a candidate had my best interests at hand.
What a road it was for me to become an American citizen. I'll never forget the summer of 1987, when my parents and me traveled back and forth to Sacramento from our home about 40 minutes away. It was such an arduous process - with all the waiting, all the interviews, all the paperwork.
And then, at the moment when my parents were being sworn in, a huge disappointment for me. Somewhere along the line and all the red tape, my paperwork was lost, and I would be able to join in the ceremony. Talk about a huge disappointment. Huge. Enormous. Stupendous.
As I watched my parents being sworn in as American citizens along with all the other immigrants holding copies of the Constitution and mini-flags, I just sat in the courtroom and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. It was so terrible to me at the time.
There was such a mixup with my paperwork, too, going back to my birth date. My mom, for whatever silly reason (silly, silly, silly!) had decided to change my birthdate from November 13th to November 12th when we were still in our home country. Being that the country was in such a terrible state at the time, she was able to do it.
However, somewhere along the way for whatever reason, it was recorded that my birthday was November 11th.
Talk about confusing.
All I know is that I'm here now, I am a citizen, and I voted for the first time, and I'm praying for change.
God speed, Mr. Obama.
I am so proud of my country, so proud to be an American, and so proud to have the right to vote without fear or intimidation or discrimination because of my gender.
I do believe we will be electing the first non-white president, and that fact alone makes my heart soar. I admire Obama for so many reasons - for his candor, for his spirit, for his energy, and the fact that he is a reflection of what America really is and what we need as a leader.
Where I grew up in Northern California was a true melting pot - we were right by an air force base and the majority of my friends were either 2nd generation Amercians like me, or mixed race. Until this election, I never felt connected to a candidate and I never felt that a candidate had my best interests at hand.
What a road it was for me to become an American citizen. I'll never forget the summer of 1987, when my parents and me traveled back and forth to Sacramento from our home about 40 minutes away. It was such an arduous process - with all the waiting, all the interviews, all the paperwork.
And then, at the moment when my parents were being sworn in, a huge disappointment for me. Somewhere along the line and all the red tape, my paperwork was lost, and I would be able to join in the ceremony. Talk about a huge disappointment. Huge. Enormous. Stupendous.
As I watched my parents being sworn in as American citizens along with all the other immigrants holding copies of the Constitution and mini-flags, I just sat in the courtroom and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. It was so terrible to me at the time.
There was such a mixup with my paperwork, too, going back to my birth date. My mom, for whatever silly reason (silly, silly, silly!) had decided to change my birthdate from November 13th to November 12th when we were still in our home country. Being that the country was in such a terrible state at the time, she was able to do it.
However, somewhere along the way for whatever reason, it was recorded that my birthday was November 11th.
Talk about confusing.
All I know is that I'm here now, I am a citizen, and I voted for the first time, and I'm praying for change.
God speed, Mr. Obama.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Signs?
In the last couple of weeks, I've written about my long-lost friend Z and my attempts to contact him after a couple of years of not speaking.
Is this a sign? Yesterday, standing in line to checkout at Old Navy, his doppelganger is in front of me ... total look alike. Also, from the same country, speaking the same dialect, pronouncing their "v"s and "w"s.
Sign? Of what? Time to move on?
Is this a sign? Yesterday, standing in line to checkout at Old Navy, his doppelganger is in front of me ... total look alike. Also, from the same country, speaking the same dialect, pronouncing their "v"s and "w"s.
Sign? Of what? Time to move on?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Oh, dear goodness
My first little accident in my brand new car. It has raised my ire so much, but it really is relatively little. Just scratches on yet another wheel cover.
I guess it was the circumstances under which it happened that made me MAD! Well, maybe not mad but supremely irritated.
Today was my ex's day with the baby. My exMIL came along with the three of us for lunch and then my ex and I took the baby for his first haircut. It's a good thing my ex was there because the baby HATED it. Just really hated the entire experience! Poor guy!
So, after all that hubub, we headed for my exMIL's house and I washed my car. Then, I headed out and every place I wanted to go was CLOSED. What a bummer! Three planned errands completely wasted, but oh, well.
One bright spot, I had it in mind to go to Pinkberry and see what all the fuss was all about. About 2 years ago, I tried the natural flavor frozen yogurt topped with almonds at a Japanese store and thought it was the worst thing I'd ever tasted in my life and decided that all similar-typed frozen yogurts were terrible and that I'd never try them again. Ever!
Well, now that I'm exploring my area a little more, I've passed by this particular branch of Pinkberry on a few occasions and since it's really easy to access in comparison to other Pinkberries (with parking, etc.), I decided to go for it.
And ... yum! I added mango, kiwi, and chocolate chips and man, that was some GOOD stuff. I guess it's a good thing I didn't try it when I was pregnant, because I would have been racking up parking and traffic violations by the handful trying to get some fro yo! As it was, my pregnancy sweets craving was limited to Penguin's frozen yogurt, which is the "normal" frozen yogurt, and it was much easier for me to get to Penguin's than to Pinkberry.
So, after I did that, went home, uploaded photos, etc., I headed back to my exMIL's house to find her husband's entire extended family there: his son, his granddaugher and grandson, his daughter and her girlfriend (yes, they're lesbians - no one makes a big deal about it), and his son's dog. It was pure havoc... I parked illegally between two driveways because his son's big, honking truck was in the driveway and I never know if they want to pull out or not, so I thought I'd play it relatively safe.
When I get inside, the entire crew plus my ex and my baby makes for some wild times. It was just really loud, really redneck, and with running around all over the place that just made me irritated. There's just so much of that I can take. Add my exFIL's whistling and it is just pure material for throwing me over the edge. And you can't escape them -- they're everywhere in the small house!
Someone comes to the door and it's a neighbor saying they've hit a silver car outside ... mine. Go outside to assess the damage and no body damage, just a wheel cover scratched up to all heck. AAAAARGH. I just want a nice car, damnit all!
Maybe some people are capable of keeping their things nice and I'm missing that ability. Earlier in the day I'd noticed a chip on the back bumper from who knows where and that made me really mad, too. I was able to put some spot paint on it, but still!
The man says he's going to pay for a new wheel cover, but that just makes me mad, too, because now I have to order one and while I'm at it, why not just order the other one from my last scrape. But, the whole thing will cost over $100 and even though I'll get half back, I hate to part with that money, at least temporarily.
I have to remind myself that my birthday is coming up very soon and I'll definitely receive some cash for that. It's going to be ok.
I just hate it when money is tight, though - I'm fearing it. Really fearing it.
ARRGH ... just the inconvenience of it all.
I'm thinking there's an eclipse or something coming up because in the last couple of days things have been breaking on me all over the place. A brand new dress has holes in it, too! I was able to exchange it, so maybe the lesson is don't trip? It will all work itself out in the end?
I guess it was the circumstances under which it happened that made me MAD! Well, maybe not mad but supremely irritated.
Today was my ex's day with the baby. My exMIL came along with the three of us for lunch and then my ex and I took the baby for his first haircut. It's a good thing my ex was there because the baby HATED it. Just really hated the entire experience! Poor guy!
So, after all that hubub, we headed for my exMIL's house and I washed my car. Then, I headed out and every place I wanted to go was CLOSED. What a bummer! Three planned errands completely wasted, but oh, well.
One bright spot, I had it in mind to go to Pinkberry and see what all the fuss was all about. About 2 years ago, I tried the natural flavor frozen yogurt topped with almonds at a Japanese store and thought it was the worst thing I'd ever tasted in my life and decided that all similar-typed frozen yogurts were terrible and that I'd never try them again. Ever!
Well, now that I'm exploring my area a little more, I've passed by this particular branch of Pinkberry on a few occasions and since it's really easy to access in comparison to other Pinkberries (with parking, etc.), I decided to go for it.
And ... yum! I added mango, kiwi, and chocolate chips and man, that was some GOOD stuff. I guess it's a good thing I didn't try it when I was pregnant, because I would have been racking up parking and traffic violations by the handful trying to get some fro yo! As it was, my pregnancy sweets craving was limited to Penguin's frozen yogurt, which is the "normal" frozen yogurt, and it was much easier for me to get to Penguin's than to Pinkberry.
So, after I did that, went home, uploaded photos, etc., I headed back to my exMIL's house to find her husband's entire extended family there: his son, his granddaugher and grandson, his daughter and her girlfriend (yes, they're lesbians - no one makes a big deal about it), and his son's dog. It was pure havoc... I parked illegally between two driveways because his son's big, honking truck was in the driveway and I never know if they want to pull out or not, so I thought I'd play it relatively safe.
When I get inside, the entire crew plus my ex and my baby makes for some wild times. It was just really loud, really redneck, and with running around all over the place that just made me irritated. There's just so much of that I can take. Add my exFIL's whistling and it is just pure material for throwing me over the edge. And you can't escape them -- they're everywhere in the small house!
Someone comes to the door and it's a neighbor saying they've hit a silver car outside ... mine. Go outside to assess the damage and no body damage, just a wheel cover scratched up to all heck. AAAAARGH. I just want a nice car, damnit all!
Maybe some people are capable of keeping their things nice and I'm missing that ability. Earlier in the day I'd noticed a chip on the back bumper from who knows where and that made me really mad, too. I was able to put some spot paint on it, but still!
The man says he's going to pay for a new wheel cover, but that just makes me mad, too, because now I have to order one and while I'm at it, why not just order the other one from my last scrape. But, the whole thing will cost over $100 and even though I'll get half back, I hate to part with that money, at least temporarily.
I have to remind myself that my birthday is coming up very soon and I'll definitely receive some cash for that. It's going to be ok.
I just hate it when money is tight, though - I'm fearing it. Really fearing it.
ARRGH ... just the inconvenience of it all.
I'm thinking there's an eclipse or something coming up because in the last couple of days things have been breaking on me all over the place. A brand new dress has holes in it, too! I was able to exchange it, so maybe the lesson is don't trip? It will all work itself out in the end?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I don't think the worry ever stops...
After the money tightness of the last few weeks, my latest paycheck was huge and gives me a little bit of breathing space, which is nice. Even after my car, visa, household bills, and student loan payments I'll have some nice leftovers, which I can't get too over excited about because I need to have a little savings.
You see, due to the crazy holiday schedule, the next several paychecks will be teensy tiny and then I have to have some cash for holiday presents. Even though I only really exchange gifts with my family and they know I am tight on cash, I want to do something for them. Also, I just need to have a little savings of something, anything.
I wonder if I'll ever not be worried about money?
I keep forgetting about my past, how about 5 years ago I had student loan money and my money from my part-time makeup artist job and times were good. Unbudgeted and vastly over-spent, but good. I've also forgotten about how, during chunks of my past, I really didn't work that much and still managed to get by.
That's something I should never forget - it always works out in the end.
You see, due to the crazy holiday schedule, the next several paychecks will be teensy tiny and then I have to have some cash for holiday presents. Even though I only really exchange gifts with my family and they know I am tight on cash, I want to do something for them. Also, I just need to have a little savings of something, anything.
I wonder if I'll ever not be worried about money?
I keep forgetting about my past, how about 5 years ago I had student loan money and my money from my part-time makeup artist job and times were good. Unbudgeted and vastly over-spent, but good. I've also forgotten about how, during chunks of my past, I really didn't work that much and still managed to get by.
That's something I should never forget - it always works out in the end.
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