- a partner who I can walk on the same path with.
- money in the bank, a comfortable lifestyle
- a paid of visa
- a job that I find truly glorious and not only allows me to collect a paycheck, but allows me to use my knowledge, gain knowledge, and in some way to help others.
- a good lifestyle for my son
- a home that I love living in
- a life where I feel like I am living my entire potential
- and, frivolously, a fancy pair of expensive shoes - that would make me very happy
Times are rough, scary, and uncertain in our nation, but we've been there before, and I do believe we will emerge wiser and better. The economy is cyclical and we are definitely at the opposite end of the top.
I was reading an article in Time that said what we must all do now is live below our means. I've been living exactly at my means for a while, which is admittedly much better than when I was living above my means, but now I must take step back and get serious about my financial future.
I'm not scared about the job market - in my heart of hearts, I know I can have any job I want and it's just a matter of me actively searching for one.
This month's O magazine came today and there was a great article about moving up in the career world. It was about how sometimes we need to radically shake things up in order to move forward. One person wrote that they were so comfortable in their job they didn't realize they'd died - they were in a velvet coffin. That statement is so apt in consideration of my current job. I am so comfortable, I forget how much I'm figuratively killing myself there.
Not to bag on the boss, but she's taken on too much responsibility and yet does not want to give up control on things she knows she has to delegate. It's what's holding me back and I know it. And I'm still there -- in a velvet coffin.
Thinking about moving forward, I am scared about the money situation between jobs and definitely the insurance situation. But, I also know for sure that where there is a will, there is a way, and I've made my way around mountains so many times before.
When I picked my son up from my ex-in-law's house, there were some pictures his father had taken. In a couple of pictures, it was hard to tell this was a 35 year old man holding my son and not a boy. Not my concern anymore, just an observation.
The end.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I hope
That one day I have the means to help people on a large scale, that I can be a philanthropist, of sorts.
I know it's not possible to end all human suffering, but I hope I can make some kind of a difference in the lives of people with a whole lot of hurt.
It seems, more than ever, that there are a lot of people doing mean and hurtful things to each other. Why? The stories that I really cannot take are the ones involving children. Why?
What can I do?
I know it's not possible to end all human suffering, but I hope I can make some kind of a difference in the lives of people with a whole lot of hurt.
It seems, more than ever, that there are a lot of people doing mean and hurtful things to each other. Why? The stories that I really cannot take are the ones involving children. Why?
What can I do?
As discretely as possible
I have to say/get it out of my system that certain parties make it extremely frustrating to be associated with them, and the thing that throws it out of control is that nothing can be done about that. Even though it should be. In what weird world (mine, I guess) does this happen?
Going back to my past
Well, it's done! I received the final divorce decree on Saturday and as of November 4th, I will be free and clear to marry again, should I engage in a whirlwind romance within the next month and change.
I had no feelings about it, just a sense of relief, and then, last night, a bit of wistfulness. A four year relationship and three year marriage reduced to a stack of papers stamped by a judge. That's it.
You can't say that I didn't give it my best, that I didn't try. I did all of that and more, more than any other situation would take. I took verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, and at the end, I realized my worth was greater than what appeared in the mirror.
It's been an interesting 6 months and in total, I feel like I've acheived so much more than would have been possible than if I had stayed married and miserable. I feel good - I AM good - and I'm ready to spread my wings even further than I ever thought possible.
I'm not sure where I'm going to yet, but I am going. Lately, I've been trying to figure out the timing on my next big move. I'm visualizing a better apartment, a paid off credit card, and money in the bank. It's all possible. It's all going to happen.
I'm thinking that I can't think about an apartment move until a) I have some money saved, and b) the baby is in school, because right now I'm very close to his grandma/caretaker and it works better that way.
In any case, the wheels are in motion, and it feels great.
Sometimes, I wonder how my life as a mom would be different if I had a man by my side. Would it be easier? Would it be harder, in a way?
A couple things happened yesterday that made me feel really good - the baby and me were on our traditional Sunday morning walk, which entails a 30 minute walk to a big shopping center with a stop by Starbucks to visit our friends who coo and fuss over the baby as he entertains them with animal sounds. He usually takes a nap halfway there and I get some grocery shopping done. Even though I was wearing grubby clothes, no makeup whatsoever, I noticed I got checked out by 2 separate men.
Damn. I must have some powerful vibes going on if they were still checking out while I was at my WORST. It reminded me that I am still a woman, underneath all the mommy-ness. I am still viable - even if I'm not surrounded by admirers on a daily basis. Mama's got it going on.
During lunch I've started going to the beach for walks and I'm hoping, quite selfishly, that I meet someone this way.
I remember years ago I was complaining in a im-session with radio man that I never met anyone, and his reply was that you have to go out to meet people. What I was hoping for was for him to say something like, well, you have me! But that's besides the point! Ha ha ... he was right ... you do have to go out, and my daily routine is set. There is little room for the people that I see on a regular basis.
So, my beach trips are a way for me to branch out, safely. Maybe I will meet someone, maybe I won't, but at least I'm enjoying that salty sea air regardless.
Peace out.
I had no feelings about it, just a sense of relief, and then, last night, a bit of wistfulness. A four year relationship and three year marriage reduced to a stack of papers stamped by a judge. That's it.
You can't say that I didn't give it my best, that I didn't try. I did all of that and more, more than any other situation would take. I took verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, and at the end, I realized my worth was greater than what appeared in the mirror.
It's been an interesting 6 months and in total, I feel like I've acheived so much more than would have been possible than if I had stayed married and miserable. I feel good - I AM good - and I'm ready to spread my wings even further than I ever thought possible.
I'm not sure where I'm going to yet, but I am going. Lately, I've been trying to figure out the timing on my next big move. I'm visualizing a better apartment, a paid off credit card, and money in the bank. It's all possible. It's all going to happen.
I'm thinking that I can't think about an apartment move until a) I have some money saved, and b) the baby is in school, because right now I'm very close to his grandma/caretaker and it works better that way.
In any case, the wheels are in motion, and it feels great.
Sometimes, I wonder how my life as a mom would be different if I had a man by my side. Would it be easier? Would it be harder, in a way?
A couple things happened yesterday that made me feel really good - the baby and me were on our traditional Sunday morning walk, which entails a 30 minute walk to a big shopping center with a stop by Starbucks to visit our friends who coo and fuss over the baby as he entertains them with animal sounds. He usually takes a nap halfway there and I get some grocery shopping done. Even though I was wearing grubby clothes, no makeup whatsoever, I noticed I got checked out by 2 separate men.
Damn. I must have some powerful vibes going on if they were still checking out while I was at my WORST. It reminded me that I am still a woman, underneath all the mommy-ness. I am still viable - even if I'm not surrounded by admirers on a daily basis. Mama's got it going on.
During lunch I've started going to the beach for walks and I'm hoping, quite selfishly, that I meet someone this way.
I remember years ago I was complaining in a im-session with radio man that I never met anyone, and his reply was that you have to go out to meet people. What I was hoping for was for him to say something like, well, you have me! But that's besides the point! Ha ha ... he was right ... you do have to go out, and my daily routine is set. There is little room for the people that I see on a regular basis.
So, my beach trips are a way for me to branch out, safely. Maybe I will meet someone, maybe I won't, but at least I'm enjoying that salty sea air regardless.
Peace out.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Drama, Drama, Drama
There is a certain amount of drama going on between my sisters and my parents and I'm finding myself to be the Dr. Phil/ringmaster of the whole sitation.
Age has done me well. I have a lot of world experience now and it's serving me as I'm watching what is going on between them. Here's the situation.
My dad - pushing 70, not in the best health, starting to take downturn in his mental facilities. When I was growing up he was really mean to me, now he's a lot easier to deal with.
My mom - pushing 60, very youthful, but she is so overwhelmed with her responsibilities as the matriarch of the family. Extremely overwhelmed. She and my dad are not on the same page. Whereas my dad wants my sisters to go to medical school, my mom says she wants them to do whatever makes them happy.
My older sister - age 18, just graduated from high school, esoteric, arty, distracted by a boy, her school grades have nose dived ever since she's had a boy in her life. She is 100 times more naive than I was at 18, which is causing her to do crazy things at UC Riverside, the only school she got into. Honestly, I don't see her ever becoming a doctor, but that's just my opinion.
Sidenote: UC Riverside is not an attractive school to attend - it's far away, hard to get to especially considering she has to take public transportation, which is not all that great in So Ca.
My younger sister - age 17, high school senior, very strong-willed, goth, determined to succeed, but I feel like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She pushes herself way too hard and she often cries to my parents about her stress. If anyone is going to be a doctor, it's her, but I don't know how long she can endure all the stress (which will only get worse). She is also very naive. I was really stressed at her age, but her stress is on a whole different level completely - plus, she takes on the stress of her sister.
Here's the problem -- my oldest sister only got accepted to one university - UC Riverside, and that's only because they reached out to her. She really didn't try that hard to get into any universities, mostly because she was entirely boyfriend crazy her senior year. My parents were clueless about this. My parents also have unrealistic expectations, but that's another story.
Now, being as naive as she is, which is the result of being sheltered her whole life and growing up in the lap of luxury in Orange County, she is having a terrible time adjusting to her commuter life at school. Terrible. She walked 10 miles yesterday, which was a flat-out stupid thing to do. Just stupid. No reason for it.
My parents are upset, she's looking for attention. I have a solution that would solve all their problems. When I told it to my parents last night, my sister was eavesdropping and fainted, which is something she has done her whole life (the fainting thing).
My solution, which is brilliant (yes, it really is), is for both of my sisters to go to the community college associated with UC Irvine, which is the ideal school for them and my parents, and then transfer right away. It will be a much easier transistion for them and it will be much easier on my parents. My sisters are college snobs and are resisting the idea of community college, but this is really the best solution and there is NOTHING wrong with a community college. They're just being snotty.
When I was a freshman in high school, my parents sent me to a hoity-toity catholic high school in Napa, which was a 30 minute bus ride away from our then-home. I failed miserably and acted out in ways that shocked my parents. I got the worst grades I'd ever gotten in my life, and even though I didn't have a boyfriend, I was definitely crazy. My parents, who were 20 years younger, laid down the law and transferred me to a closer public school that all my middle school friends went to and I thrived there.
The reason I failed and acted out? I was majorly naive and it was such a huge culture shock for me to go to school with a bunch of rich kids who acted like stereotypical rich kids. And I was not prepared for any of the Catholic dogma that was a daily part of life. It was really toomuch for me.
My dad always makes a point of saying that my 18 year old sister is an adult and can make her own decisions, but as I told him, he's the one paying for it, so he HAS to lay down the law. I also told him to consider this semester a loss, and he says he already has.
So, that's it .... I told my dad I'd do the research for him and I have everything ready for him. I know there will be a struggle with my sister, but I really do think changing her plans will be the best thing for her. I didn't mention this before, but my sister and I barely talk -- we're just too hotheaded for each other. More the same than different, but she's young and has lots of experience to gain ahead of her.
That's just how it is.
I hope it all works out.
Age has done me well. I have a lot of world experience now and it's serving me as I'm watching what is going on between them. Here's the situation.
My dad - pushing 70, not in the best health, starting to take downturn in his mental facilities. When I was growing up he was really mean to me, now he's a lot easier to deal with.
My mom - pushing 60, very youthful, but she is so overwhelmed with her responsibilities as the matriarch of the family. Extremely overwhelmed. She and my dad are not on the same page. Whereas my dad wants my sisters to go to medical school, my mom says she wants them to do whatever makes them happy.
My older sister - age 18, just graduated from high school, esoteric, arty, distracted by a boy, her school grades have nose dived ever since she's had a boy in her life. She is 100 times more naive than I was at 18, which is causing her to do crazy things at UC Riverside, the only school she got into. Honestly, I don't see her ever becoming a doctor, but that's just my opinion.
Sidenote: UC Riverside is not an attractive school to attend - it's far away, hard to get to especially considering she has to take public transportation, which is not all that great in So Ca.
My younger sister - age 17, high school senior, very strong-willed, goth, determined to succeed, but I feel like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She pushes herself way too hard and she often cries to my parents about her stress. If anyone is going to be a doctor, it's her, but I don't know how long she can endure all the stress (which will only get worse). She is also very naive. I was really stressed at her age, but her stress is on a whole different level completely - plus, she takes on the stress of her sister.
Here's the problem -- my oldest sister only got accepted to one university - UC Riverside, and that's only because they reached out to her. She really didn't try that hard to get into any universities, mostly because she was entirely boyfriend crazy her senior year. My parents were clueless about this. My parents also have unrealistic expectations, but that's another story.
Now, being as naive as she is, which is the result of being sheltered her whole life and growing up in the lap of luxury in Orange County, she is having a terrible time adjusting to her commuter life at school. Terrible. She walked 10 miles yesterday, which was a flat-out stupid thing to do. Just stupid. No reason for it.
My parents are upset, she's looking for attention. I have a solution that would solve all their problems. When I told it to my parents last night, my sister was eavesdropping and fainted, which is something she has done her whole life (the fainting thing).
My solution, which is brilliant (yes, it really is), is for both of my sisters to go to the community college associated with UC Irvine, which is the ideal school for them and my parents, and then transfer right away. It will be a much easier transistion for them and it will be much easier on my parents. My sisters are college snobs and are resisting the idea of community college, but this is really the best solution and there is NOTHING wrong with a community college. They're just being snotty.
When I was a freshman in high school, my parents sent me to a hoity-toity catholic high school in Napa, which was a 30 minute bus ride away from our then-home. I failed miserably and acted out in ways that shocked my parents. I got the worst grades I'd ever gotten in my life, and even though I didn't have a boyfriend, I was definitely crazy. My parents, who were 20 years younger, laid down the law and transferred me to a closer public school that all my middle school friends went to and I thrived there.
The reason I failed and acted out? I was majorly naive and it was such a huge culture shock for me to go to school with a bunch of rich kids who acted like stereotypical rich kids. And I was not prepared for any of the Catholic dogma that was a daily part of life. It was really toomuch for me.
My dad always makes a point of saying that my 18 year old sister is an adult and can make her own decisions, but as I told him, he's the one paying for it, so he HAS to lay down the law. I also told him to consider this semester a loss, and he says he already has.
So, that's it .... I told my dad I'd do the research for him and I have everything ready for him. I know there will be a struggle with my sister, but I really do think changing her plans will be the best thing for her. I didn't mention this before, but my sister and I barely talk -- we're just too hotheaded for each other. More the same than different, but she's young and has lots of experience to gain ahead of her.
That's just how it is.
I hope it all works out.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Taking care
Life is multi-faceted, multi-meaninful, and you always find yourself in places you never thought you would be.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about aging relatives, especially since several people I know are in the beginning stages or in the throes of caring for their parents/older relatives.
It's one of those stages of your life - in your youth, you never really think about it - your parents are ageless! They'll never slow down! Then, one day, when you're not really a spring chicken anymore yourself, your parents basically become your children again, right before your eyes.
It's something I see talked about in the media every now and then, but with our aging population of baby boomers, it's going to become more and more prevalent. One friend of mine has moved halfway across the country to care for his grandma and it's interesting to me how his struggles echo mine - that of a single person caring for someone with little or no help or attention.
It's the job of an unpaid hero - how easy it would be to say to an elderly person, ok you're going to the home now -- see ya at your wake! Instead, what I've found in my life, much to my relief, is that many people have a feeling of deep responsibility, and that is a beautiful thing.
My situation is not any thing near the extreme at all, but I'm beginning to see the signs of it. My dad is approaching 70 and my mom is almost 60. She's still in great health and acts like a woman at least 20 years younger. My dad is a little more frail and is having the tell tale signs of starting to REALLY age.
Last night there was an emergency situation and even though my mom was able to handle it, I realized, for possibly the first time in my life, that if anything serious were to occur, I would have no problem dropping everything, and I really would in order to help them out.
Considering how much of a brat I was in my teenage years and 20's, that's a huge thing.
The fight with their neighbors is escalating to the point where the neighbors are starting to call the neighborhood traffic patrol and tattling on every little thing that my parents do/don't do. My mom's first response is "FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT" -- she obviously didn't inherit the Mediterranean ignore genes that my dad and I posess. Where my mom's first instint is to fight right back, my dad and I have the ability to ignore people for years. It's a gift.
As my dad was explaining to me, it's the first time in their life that they've had problems with neighbors -- in the past, my parents were the toast of the town, literally. Those real housewives of orange county are some tough bitches.
Adding to that problem, where their neighbors take any opportunity to antagonize them, they feel - and legitimately so - that they're at a disadvantage because of their thick accents. And it's true - my parents are extremely smart and have done well for themselves, yet, as my dad said, the moment they open their mouths, people think they're stupid.
So, last night, I took matters into my own hands. My mom has promised she won't call the neighbor a slut, no matter how much she tells my mom to "f- off". I called the number on the citation they had received and told them the facts (pretending to be my mom) - that the neighbors were making claims that were totally off based, that they're adding stress to my mom's life that is totally unnecessary, and to put it on record that they are doing so.
It made my parents really happy.
I didn't choose the easy path of life. I'm struggling on a daily basis, but I am proud of my choices. I chose freedom - the path that led me to gain world experience that I never got growing up. It might have caused tears and frustration and anger within my family, but finally it is paying off.
And I'm proud of that. I'm also proud to be able to help my family and I would be proud if it were my responsibility to be their caretakers.
What I've learned about life is that it's not about going out, seeking pleasure from fleeting things sometimes based in non-reality - life is about the right here, the right now.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about aging relatives, especially since several people I know are in the beginning stages or in the throes of caring for their parents/older relatives.
It's one of those stages of your life - in your youth, you never really think about it - your parents are ageless! They'll never slow down! Then, one day, when you're not really a spring chicken anymore yourself, your parents basically become your children again, right before your eyes.
It's something I see talked about in the media every now and then, but with our aging population of baby boomers, it's going to become more and more prevalent. One friend of mine has moved halfway across the country to care for his grandma and it's interesting to me how his struggles echo mine - that of a single person caring for someone with little or no help or attention.
It's the job of an unpaid hero - how easy it would be to say to an elderly person, ok you're going to the home now -- see ya at your wake! Instead, what I've found in my life, much to my relief, is that many people have a feeling of deep responsibility, and that is a beautiful thing.
My situation is not any thing near the extreme at all, but I'm beginning to see the signs of it. My dad is approaching 70 and my mom is almost 60. She's still in great health and acts like a woman at least 20 years younger. My dad is a little more frail and is having the tell tale signs of starting to REALLY age.
Last night there was an emergency situation and even though my mom was able to handle it, I realized, for possibly the first time in my life, that if anything serious were to occur, I would have no problem dropping everything, and I really would in order to help them out.
Considering how much of a brat I was in my teenage years and 20's, that's a huge thing.
The fight with their neighbors is escalating to the point where the neighbors are starting to call the neighborhood traffic patrol and tattling on every little thing that my parents do/don't do. My mom's first response is "FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT" -- she obviously didn't inherit the Mediterranean ignore genes that my dad and I posess. Where my mom's first instint is to fight right back, my dad and I have the ability to ignore people for years. It's a gift.
As my dad was explaining to me, it's the first time in their life that they've had problems with neighbors -- in the past, my parents were the toast of the town, literally. Those real housewives of orange county are some tough bitches.
Adding to that problem, where their neighbors take any opportunity to antagonize them, they feel - and legitimately so - that they're at a disadvantage because of their thick accents. And it's true - my parents are extremely smart and have done well for themselves, yet, as my dad said, the moment they open their mouths, people think they're stupid.
So, last night, I took matters into my own hands. My mom has promised she won't call the neighbor a slut, no matter how much she tells my mom to "f- off". I called the number on the citation they had received and told them the facts (pretending to be my mom) - that the neighbors were making claims that were totally off based, that they're adding stress to my mom's life that is totally unnecessary, and to put it on record that they are doing so.
It made my parents really happy.
I didn't choose the easy path of life. I'm struggling on a daily basis, but I am proud of my choices. I chose freedom - the path that led me to gain world experience that I never got growing up. It might have caused tears and frustration and anger within my family, but finally it is paying off.
And I'm proud of that. I'm also proud to be able to help my family and I would be proud if it were my responsibility to be their caretakers.
What I've learned about life is that it's not about going out, seeking pleasure from fleeting things sometimes based in non-reality - life is about the right here, the right now.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
You know times are rough when ...
You are scraping all the change from the bottom of your purse and wondering how the hell you're going to manage to buy milk for your kid.
Damn.
I haven't been this scrapped for money in a long while - things are generally much better - but after the car purchase this weekend and a couple of unexpected expenses ... I'm desperate for pennies, literally. This is the rent paycheck, too, which makes things extra tight.
It really sucks and I was reduced to borrowing $20 from my ex on Sunday and I probably will have to ask my mom or his mom for some extra cash, which I hate doing. My mom was going to help me out with my car downpayment, but she, the stern negotiator, wasn't expecting it to actually happen and didn't have cash with her, so I did it on my own, which is good, but will just make things tight for the next month or so.
To some, the solution would be for me to move back with my parents, but I cannot and will not for several reasons. First of all, I respect my sanity. Enough said. Secondly, the commute headache would severely impact my quality of life and would reduce the amount of time I get to spend with the baby. Third, it would go against my child visitation agreement.
My other complaint about today is that we're taking a coworker out for a birthday lunch - which is nice and everything, but it's a guarantee that it will be the $20 I borrowed from my ex. As a person with sometimes limited means, I can fully appreciate the value of the $20.
$20 means -
- half a tank of gas
- $10 worth of groceries to get me by and $10 worth of gas
- Milk, eggs, maybe some veggies and the $2 six-pack of soda that saves me from making $2 trips to Starbucks on a daily basis.
Not to be dramatic, I will disclose that I sold some stuff on ebay and will get $40 in the next couple of days, then I returned something via mail and will get $30 from that, too.
One day I hope to avoid days like these forever. It's my goal and aspiration.
Damn.
I haven't been this scrapped for money in a long while - things are generally much better - but after the car purchase this weekend and a couple of unexpected expenses ... I'm desperate for pennies, literally. This is the rent paycheck, too, which makes things extra tight.
It really sucks and I was reduced to borrowing $20 from my ex on Sunday and I probably will have to ask my mom or his mom for some extra cash, which I hate doing. My mom was going to help me out with my car downpayment, but she, the stern negotiator, wasn't expecting it to actually happen and didn't have cash with her, so I did it on my own, which is good, but will just make things tight for the next month or so.
To some, the solution would be for me to move back with my parents, but I cannot and will not for several reasons. First of all, I respect my sanity. Enough said. Secondly, the commute headache would severely impact my quality of life and would reduce the amount of time I get to spend with the baby. Third, it would go against my child visitation agreement.
My other complaint about today is that we're taking a coworker out for a birthday lunch - which is nice and everything, but it's a guarantee that it will be the $20 I borrowed from my ex. As a person with sometimes limited means, I can fully appreciate the value of the $20.
$20 means -
- half a tank of gas
- $10 worth of groceries to get me by and $10 worth of gas
- Milk, eggs, maybe some veggies and the $2 six-pack of soda that saves me from making $2 trips to Starbucks on a daily basis.
Not to be dramatic, I will disclose that I sold some stuff on ebay and will get $40 in the next couple of days, then I returned something via mail and will get $30 from that, too.
One day I hope to avoid days like these forever. It's my goal and aspiration.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Baby, I AM driving my car ...
Well, I did it - took a big, big, big leap and bought my 2nd car and I am so happy I did it. Maybe not so much with the newly acquired car payment, but it's workable and won't put TOO much of a crunch on me, at least until I have to start paying my school loans!
On Saturday, my mom and me went to the local Nissan dealership, and after 4 hours of haggling - my mom pulling out her poker face and making grown men sweat the whole time - I drove home in my brand-new, shiny car.
And I LOOOOOOOOOVE it.... It has upped my chic factor tremendously. No longer am I embarrased to take my car certain places, like when I went to the Ritz Carlton for a make up job a couple of years ago and they were nice to me, but I could tell that was because they really felt SORRY for me.
At one point, I folded and told my mom to give up her relentless haggling, because I was in the mindframe that I didn't want to shop around, and they WERE giving us an extraordinary deal. My mom was a little disappointed at first that she couldn't break them to get where she wanted to go (I swear, in another life she must have been some kind of military interrogator), but once we got home she was full of congratulations, told me that I am a good mom for doing it, and both she and my dad were very excited and happy for a couple of reasons.
First, that I did this - because that old car was getting scary and like my dad said, I had major balls to drive it around in the last year. I was also EXTREMELY LUCKY (thank you, God), that nothing really bad happened, because it very easily could have. Secondly, they now have an extra car - my old one - to park in front of their house and torment their next door neighbors who have been parking their extra huge Escalade in front of my parents house, which is driving them to verbal fights and possible drinking.
It's a mess.
But, I do feel that this car really IS my gateway to success, as my mom said. It is amazing what it has done to my spirits - finally, I have a car that matches me. I did love my Suzuki, but it really wasn't my choice - my mom chose it for me. This time around, my mom tried to get me in a Ford Focus, but I was adamant that I get what I got and I made the final decision. Plus, it was really ridiculous for a then-22 year old to drive around in a station wagon. Ridic!
What I feel now is hope -- I feel like I am on my way, and that anything is possible. I even cleaned out my closet and made a lot more room open and worked on my resume, yesterday, all because of the car.
Looking at my resume, I was surprisngly impressed by myself. I have skills. I have experience. I CAN do anything I want. It just confirmed that in my present position, which I AM thankful for, they're good at making you feel bad about yourself. It makes them feel better, I've deduced.
Last of all, my mom is unintentionally hilarious. When we were hammering out the extended warranty, she agreed to it at first without realizing how expensive it actually was (yeeps, but I think it's going to be ok). When she tried to haggle it down, the sales guy said to her - do you want to have to worry about paying thousands in the next few years on repairs? Her response - what if she marries a rich man? The sales man laughed at that, for the record, but that made me love my mom a little bit more. Ever hopeful, ever optimistic.
When I got back to my home, I drove by my in-laws to drop something off and my ex was home alone - he fixed my broken sunglasses, which I'm thankful for because they were expensive and I'm not ready to put them to rest - but when he saw the car, he said, I thought you were going to buy an SUV.
When I explained I couldn't afford it, he said, well, how much more would it be? And when I told him, he was like, Ah, I don't have that kind of money.
Well, duh ....
The next day was his day to have the baby, and he wanted me to have lunch with him and the baby, on the premise that it is good for the baby to see he has two parents, and I agreed. It wasn't worth it for a couple of reasons - the first being that my ex was a total bore during lunch, texting the whole time and making stupid conversation (and story repeating stuff he'd told me the night before - like he'd never told me at all - ugh, terrible! ) and then, when we got back, my father in law was haggling me the rest of the day about it - he's worried that we'll get back together again.
I assured him that would never happen! Never! I've come too far!
The good news about the car buying experience is that I found out my credit is now much, much, much better than it was last year. Whew! What a load off of me. Now, a few of my teeth really hurt and I really must get to a dentist ... eventually. Even with my dental hmo, it's still expensive ... just another reason for me to get financially motivated!
On Saturday, my mom and me went to the local Nissan dealership, and after 4 hours of haggling - my mom pulling out her poker face and making grown men sweat the whole time - I drove home in my brand-new, shiny car.
And I LOOOOOOOOOVE it.... It has upped my chic factor tremendously. No longer am I embarrased to take my car certain places, like when I went to the Ritz Carlton for a make up job a couple of years ago and they were nice to me, but I could tell that was because they really felt SORRY for me.
At one point, I folded and told my mom to give up her relentless haggling, because I was in the mindframe that I didn't want to shop around, and they WERE giving us an extraordinary deal. My mom was a little disappointed at first that she couldn't break them to get where she wanted to go (I swear, in another life she must have been some kind of military interrogator), but once we got home she was full of congratulations, told me that I am a good mom for doing it, and both she and my dad were very excited and happy for a couple of reasons.
First, that I did this - because that old car was getting scary and like my dad said, I had major balls to drive it around in the last year. I was also EXTREMELY LUCKY (thank you, God), that nothing really bad happened, because it very easily could have. Secondly, they now have an extra car - my old one - to park in front of their house and torment their next door neighbors who have been parking their extra huge Escalade in front of my parents house, which is driving them to verbal fights and possible drinking.
It's a mess.
But, I do feel that this car really IS my gateway to success, as my mom said. It is amazing what it has done to my spirits - finally, I have a car that matches me. I did love my Suzuki, but it really wasn't my choice - my mom chose it for me. This time around, my mom tried to get me in a Ford Focus, but I was adamant that I get what I got and I made the final decision. Plus, it was really ridiculous for a then-22 year old to drive around in a station wagon. Ridic!
What I feel now is hope -- I feel like I am on my way, and that anything is possible. I even cleaned out my closet and made a lot more room open and worked on my resume, yesterday, all because of the car.
Looking at my resume, I was surprisngly impressed by myself. I have skills. I have experience. I CAN do anything I want. It just confirmed that in my present position, which I AM thankful for, they're good at making you feel bad about yourself. It makes them feel better, I've deduced.
Last of all, my mom is unintentionally hilarious. When we were hammering out the extended warranty, she agreed to it at first without realizing how expensive it actually was (yeeps, but I think it's going to be ok). When she tried to haggle it down, the sales guy said to her - do you want to have to worry about paying thousands in the next few years on repairs? Her response - what if she marries a rich man? The sales man laughed at that, for the record, but that made me love my mom a little bit more. Ever hopeful, ever optimistic.
When I got back to my home, I drove by my in-laws to drop something off and my ex was home alone - he fixed my broken sunglasses, which I'm thankful for because they were expensive and I'm not ready to put them to rest - but when he saw the car, he said, I thought you were going to buy an SUV.
When I explained I couldn't afford it, he said, well, how much more would it be? And when I told him, he was like, Ah, I don't have that kind of money.
Well, duh ....
The next day was his day to have the baby, and he wanted me to have lunch with him and the baby, on the premise that it is good for the baby to see he has two parents, and I agreed. It wasn't worth it for a couple of reasons - the first being that my ex was a total bore during lunch, texting the whole time and making stupid conversation (and story repeating stuff he'd told me the night before - like he'd never told me at all - ugh, terrible! ) and then, when we got back, my father in law was haggling me the rest of the day about it - he's worried that we'll get back together again.
I assured him that would never happen! Never! I've come too far!
The good news about the car buying experience is that I found out my credit is now much, much, much better than it was last year. Whew! What a load off of me. Now, a few of my teeth really hurt and I really must get to a dentist ... eventually. Even with my dental hmo, it's still expensive ... just another reason for me to get financially motivated!
Friday, September 19, 2008
I'm not a telemarketer, but I play one on tv.
My entire working life, I've been told I'd be a good sales person. The reason I know I wouldn't and don't generally pursue those types of jobs? I hate making any kind of cold or telemarketing calls! Hate it with a passion.
I do make those calls occasionally - in past jobs, like the time I was briefly a loan officer (barf), I was nothing more than a glorified telemarketer. Of course, the managment made it seem like you were doing a huge service to humanity by assisting people with finding loans that would change their lives (and pad your pockets), but the truth was, I was getting hung up/yelled at/cussed at more in an hours time than in my entire life before that. Rejection is bad for my soul.
Right now I'm making telemarketing calls for an annual work project and I want nothing more than to not, and then say I did. People, in general, hate telemarketers and as soon as they pick up the phone they think that if they have to waste any more time holding the phone up to their ear, it will greatly diminish the quality of their lives.
Ugh, it sucks! Ugh, ugh, ugh!
I do make those calls occasionally - in past jobs, like the time I was briefly a loan officer (barf), I was nothing more than a glorified telemarketer. Of course, the managment made it seem like you were doing a huge service to humanity by assisting people with finding loans that would change their lives (and pad your pockets), but the truth was, I was getting hung up/yelled at/cussed at more in an hours time than in my entire life before that. Rejection is bad for my soul.
Right now I'm making telemarketing calls for an annual work project and I want nothing more than to not, and then say I did. People, in general, hate telemarketers and as soon as they pick up the phone they think that if they have to waste any more time holding the phone up to their ear, it will greatly diminish the quality of their lives.
Ugh, it sucks! Ugh, ugh, ugh!
OH, thank goodness it's Friday
This is officially crunch time at work - I have several major projects going on that need a lot of attention and it's just a bad time.
Needless to say, I am more than ready for free time this weekend! Whee! Sunday is my baby's day with his dad, so that's even more free time for me! Hmmm... not sure what I should do --
- stay home and organize stuff that desperately needs organizing?
- stay home and rent a dvd of something I've been wanting to watch?
- stay home and get tons of writing done that really needs to get done?
- go to the beach and walk around? Might not be so much fun without baby.
- go to the mall and window shop? Might be lots of fun without baby.
Decisions, decisions!
Needless to say, I am more than ready for free time this weekend! Whee! Sunday is my baby's day with his dad, so that's even more free time for me! Hmmm... not sure what I should do --
- stay home and organize stuff that desperately needs organizing?
- stay home and rent a dvd of something I've been wanting to watch?
- stay home and get tons of writing done that really needs to get done?
- go to the beach and walk around? Might not be so much fun without baby.
- go to the mall and window shop? Might be lots of fun without baby.
Decisions, decisions!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
On the subject of new men
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever date again. It seems impossible in my current predicament, where I've basically decided to sacrifice that part of my life in order to ensure my son's well-being.
It's not like I was being asked out on all kinds of dates before, or even meeting men. Maybe I'm picky, or maybe I just tend to hang out in the wrong areas, but I never even went on a date when my ex left me the first time.
Theoretically, I know that I am a good catch, but in reality, dates are hard to come by. Even at work, nada.
So, my overthinking self is wondering what will happen should I get asked out anytime in the near future. How would I arrange the date? Would the guy be accomodating to my schedule, which requires I stay with my mom 3 nights a week? And besides that, my weekday evenings are all about my baby and will probably be like that for the next few years.
When my ex and I broke up, I accepted that I probably would not have a dating life for the forseeable future - for years, even. But still, I so wish that male companionship was possible.
I look at one of my friends with a baby and husband and see how they do all kinds of fun weekend things - trips to San Diego, trips to the zoo and fair - that are just plain old impossible for me. Things I'm missing out on. Things I desperately wish I had in my life.
Will love ever come around for me again? Will I meet someone more appropriate for me? One who knows a woman's worth, and more importantly, the value of a family?
One can only wonder ....
It's not like I was being asked out on all kinds of dates before, or even meeting men. Maybe I'm picky, or maybe I just tend to hang out in the wrong areas, but I never even went on a date when my ex left me the first time.
Theoretically, I know that I am a good catch, but in reality, dates are hard to come by. Even at work, nada.
So, my overthinking self is wondering what will happen should I get asked out anytime in the near future. How would I arrange the date? Would the guy be accomodating to my schedule, which requires I stay with my mom 3 nights a week? And besides that, my weekday evenings are all about my baby and will probably be like that for the next few years.
When my ex and I broke up, I accepted that I probably would not have a dating life for the forseeable future - for years, even. But still, I so wish that male companionship was possible.
I look at one of my friends with a baby and husband and see how they do all kinds of fun weekend things - trips to San Diego, trips to the zoo and fair - that are just plain old impossible for me. Things I'm missing out on. Things I desperately wish I had in my life.
Will love ever come around for me again? Will I meet someone more appropriate for me? One who knows a woman's worth, and more importantly, the value of a family?
One can only wonder ....
Baby, you can drive my car
One thing my ex made promises up and down about was a new car. On our very first date, when I met him at UCLA and he was walking me back to my car, he saw a SUV and said, "That's the car I want to get when I have a family", or something to that effect.
When I was pregnant, he talked all the time about getting a family-appropriate car when we were supposedly to move to Texas.
When we split up and he swore that the book he's writing for the past 2 years would make him rich, he told me he would buy me a car for the baby's sake.
None of that ever happened. I'm still driving my 8 year old Suzuki that could, and he's driving the extremely used Toyota Corolla he bought used, was wrecked (not his fault), and salvaged.
Guess what I'm doing this weekend? Buying a new car. Yes, me, on my very own - I've done the research, have made the calls, and will be driving away in a brand new one before you know it.
Yes, I CAN!
Like I've mentioned before, he said I'd always be a secretary and he'd be filthy rich and living in luxury.
He's still living rent-free with his mom, working a part-time job.
Whatever.
When I was pregnant, he talked all the time about getting a family-appropriate car when we were supposedly to move to Texas.
When we split up and he swore that the book he's writing for the past 2 years would make him rich, he told me he would buy me a car for the baby's sake.
None of that ever happened. I'm still driving my 8 year old Suzuki that could, and he's driving the extremely used Toyota Corolla he bought used, was wrecked (not his fault), and salvaged.
Guess what I'm doing this weekend? Buying a new car. Yes, me, on my very own - I've done the research, have made the calls, and will be driving away in a brand new one before you know it.
Yes, I CAN!
Like I've mentioned before, he said I'd always be a secretary and he'd be filthy rich and living in luxury.
He's still living rent-free with his mom, working a part-time job.
Whatever.
This is what Wednesdays are like
Wednesday is inarguably my craziest day of the week. It's the day I haul me and my son's asses to my mom's house and involves a lot of heavy lifting. Here's a typical wednesday -
6:30 am - wake up, get ready, give baby his bottle and change his diaper, let him watch sesame street while I get dressed. Try to put on makeup without baby seeing because if he does see, he loves to take my stuff, run, and hide it in places it takes me a long time to find.
7:45 am - drop baby off at grandma's house.
8:10 am - arrive at work, clock in and begin my day.
11:30 am or so -- lunchtime! Run to Trader Joe's and other assorted places to get part of my weekly shopping in and errands I don't have time for otherwise. The other days of the week I typically go to the gym for that hour.
5 pm - leave work, head for Sprouts (local farmer's market/cheaper Whole Foods-type store), then Costco, Whole Foods, and fill up tank with gas.
6:15 pm - arrive home. Unload car, put away groceries, clean up from the day, pack up my belongings and baby's belongings, pack up my car, make sure I haven't forgotten anything (I always leave SOMETHING behind), head to grandma's house to pick up baby.
7:30 pm - arrive at grandma's, chit chat for a while, drink a soda, then pack up baby and head for other grandma's house.
9 pm - arrive at other grandma's house. Unpack, greet family, chit chat, play with baby, read him books, get him ready for nighttime, check email, etc.
11 pm - take shower
12 am - 1 am - collapse!
5:30 am - wake up and start all over again!
It's a rough schedule. The commute has been a little heavier getting into work since school started and it's driving me crazy! If there's one thing I wish I could outsource it would be driving to work. Why no BART or any kind of acceptable subway system here?
I'm just crabby today because I'm tired. Tired, tired, tired. I'm tired of the commute, I'm tired of my routine, and I need a change. Strike that, I'm desperate for anything out of the ordinary. Desperate!
This past weekend me and the baby met some friends for dinner and during the course of that dinner I realized the only chance of me changing my routine would be to get a different job. It's all dependent on that - otherwise, there really aren't any opportunities for me to do things out of the ordinary.
Ugh .... after the new year, after the new year.
6:30 am - wake up, get ready, give baby his bottle and change his diaper, let him watch sesame street while I get dressed. Try to put on makeup without baby seeing because if he does see, he loves to take my stuff, run, and hide it in places it takes me a long time to find.
7:45 am - drop baby off at grandma's house.
8:10 am - arrive at work, clock in and begin my day.
11:30 am or so -- lunchtime! Run to Trader Joe's and other assorted places to get part of my weekly shopping in and errands I don't have time for otherwise. The other days of the week I typically go to the gym for that hour.
5 pm - leave work, head for Sprouts (local farmer's market/cheaper Whole Foods-type store), then Costco, Whole Foods, and fill up tank with gas.
6:15 pm - arrive home. Unload car, put away groceries, clean up from the day, pack up my belongings and baby's belongings, pack up my car, make sure I haven't forgotten anything (I always leave SOMETHING behind), head to grandma's house to pick up baby.
7:30 pm - arrive at grandma's, chit chat for a while, drink a soda, then pack up baby and head for other grandma's house.
9 pm - arrive at other grandma's house. Unpack, greet family, chit chat, play with baby, read him books, get him ready for nighttime, check email, etc.
11 pm - take shower
12 am - 1 am - collapse!
5:30 am - wake up and start all over again!
It's a rough schedule. The commute has been a little heavier getting into work since school started and it's driving me crazy! If there's one thing I wish I could outsource it would be driving to work. Why no BART or any kind of acceptable subway system here?
I'm just crabby today because I'm tired. Tired, tired, tired. I'm tired of the commute, I'm tired of my routine, and I need a change. Strike that, I'm desperate for anything out of the ordinary. Desperate!
This past weekend me and the baby met some friends for dinner and during the course of that dinner I realized the only chance of me changing my routine would be to get a different job. It's all dependent on that - otherwise, there really aren't any opportunities for me to do things out of the ordinary.
Ugh .... after the new year, after the new year.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
F*** her
It's been a couple of months since I've regained my privacy at work. My two previously annoying coworkers don't bother me anymore and even though I sit right next to one, my earphones and pandora.com make it seem like I have a lot more privacy than is actually true.
Holy inner ear damage, Batman.
Anyway, I saw her going out to lunch with some other coworkers/friends while running some lunchtime errands, and all I could think was - F*** HER!
I'm not an offensive person, at least I try not to be, and I spent hours and hours listening to her blabber on. Who the hell does she think she is giving me the silent treatment?
I DO love not having to deal with her, but still... rejection in any form burns!
Holy inner ear damage, Batman.
Anyway, I saw her going out to lunch with some other coworkers/friends while running some lunchtime errands, and all I could think was - F*** HER!
I'm not an offensive person, at least I try not to be, and I spent hours and hours listening to her blabber on. Who the hell does she think she is giving me the silent treatment?
I DO love not having to deal with her, but still... rejection in any form burns!
The Twin Towers
When my ex came back from his six-month Lebanese adventures, during which he'd broken up with me by email and engaged in many sordid affairs, we started going out with each other to the movies and to dinner.
With the pressure of being married off, he didn't try to teach me languages or berate me for my lack of knowledge of anything in particular, so it was quite nice for me to have a companion to go places with, who would buy me things, and I didn't have sex with. In Los Angeles, that kind of a companion is hard to come by.
It was an ill-advised move of mine, admittedly, but during this time, Moochie McMoocherson was my roomate and he was driving me up the wall. I had to get away from his moocherson ways and this was the perfect excuse.
It was during one of our movie nights that we saw The Twin Towers with Nicolas Cage. I'm not usually a fan of movies that depict death, injury, and other sad things - I have more than enough challenges in my own life, thank you very much. I'm not even the biggest fan of Nicolas Cage - horrible performance in Guarding Tess, anyone????
But there was one segment of the movie that affected me and stays with me. There are certain movie/books that I have a hard time holding on to - I remember characters, but not always the complete story line. I do know that in the Twin Towers, there was a somewhat happy ending, but the moment that stayed with me is when Nicolas Cage's character says to the apparition of his wife as he's pinned beneath tons of concrete and steel, "Did I do right by you as a husband?"
What a novel concept that was to me - in the moment of uncertainty, all this man cares about is his family and did he live up to his duties, especially since I was sitting right next to a man who didn't give a flying flip about doing right by ME as a husband.
Later on, that passage gave me courage, gave me comfort, and gave me the strength I needed to get out of my renewed marriage.
And now, I think of that phrase when it comes to my little son - am I doing right by him as a mother? There are times I feel terribly guilty about things that may ultimately prove to be silly, but I still feel them, nonetheless. To be honest, I still feel terrible about having to work and not being there with him in his formative age.
The truth is, though, I AM doing all I can to do right by him. I am providing him with a good home, love, care, and knowledge. In my whole life, this is what I am most proud of.
With the pressure of being married off, he didn't try to teach me languages or berate me for my lack of knowledge of anything in particular, so it was quite nice for me to have a companion to go places with, who would buy me things, and I didn't have sex with. In Los Angeles, that kind of a companion is hard to come by.
It was an ill-advised move of mine, admittedly, but during this time, Moochie McMoocherson was my roomate and he was driving me up the wall. I had to get away from his moocherson ways and this was the perfect excuse.
It was during one of our movie nights that we saw The Twin Towers with Nicolas Cage. I'm not usually a fan of movies that depict death, injury, and other sad things - I have more than enough challenges in my own life, thank you very much. I'm not even the biggest fan of Nicolas Cage - horrible performance in Guarding Tess, anyone????
But there was one segment of the movie that affected me and stays with me. There are certain movie/books that I have a hard time holding on to - I remember characters, but not always the complete story line. I do know that in the Twin Towers, there was a somewhat happy ending, but the moment that stayed with me is when Nicolas Cage's character says to the apparition of his wife as he's pinned beneath tons of concrete and steel, "Did I do right by you as a husband?"
What a novel concept that was to me - in the moment of uncertainty, all this man cares about is his family and did he live up to his duties, especially since I was sitting right next to a man who didn't give a flying flip about doing right by ME as a husband.
Later on, that passage gave me courage, gave me comfort, and gave me the strength I needed to get out of my renewed marriage.
And now, I think of that phrase when it comes to my little son - am I doing right by him as a mother? There are times I feel terribly guilty about things that may ultimately prove to be silly, but I still feel them, nonetheless. To be honest, I still feel terrible about having to work and not being there with him in his formative age.
The truth is, though, I AM doing all I can to do right by him. I am providing him with a good home, love, care, and knowledge. In my whole life, this is what I am most proud of.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I get it now
Oh, I feel like today is a crazy pill day, because not only has a fly been relentlessly buzzing around the apartment for the last 3 days, but I came home to what can only be called the great ant invasion of '08.
All due to an innocent box of Joe's O's on top of my refrigerator, the neighborhood ants decided to gang bang my kitchen. And a gang bang it indeed is -- they are congregating in my freezer and it's driving me crazy - I don't even want to open my fridge, which is a good and bad thing, but since tonight is a cooking night, that kind of screws me over.
AND, to top it all off, it's freaking late! The only reason I'm blogging right now is because I need a break from the ant cleanup/baby toenail clipping madness. Any day I have to clip the baby's toenails is bad enough, but the ant situation just makes the evening jump the shark times 100.
So, here I sit with my Diet Hansen's Pomegranate Soda, picking ants off my arms and commiserating with me, myself, and my laptop over the sorry state of my kitchen and car.
I decided today that my car is going to be replaced by a newer, younger, faster, and safer model by months end. After the big, expensive trip to the auto shop it is STILL leaking and apparently, only worth $500, so it's time for it to go. I'll handle the car payment because it's just too risky to drive that old car with the baby, especially with the long distances we travel.
So, today at work was a busy, crazy day and a couple of mistakes came to light, which I surely and most assuredly always get the heat for. I'm OKAY with all of this - not as upset as I used to get at all, now I just deal with it - and I'm glad to say that I finally GET what all the work drama is about.
In my attempts to start working on my upcoming job search, I'm kind of making a mental list of all the positives and negatives about my current job. One of the biggest positives is the atmosphere - I've met one of my best friends for life there and there is a certain amout of casual/comfort flexibility that makes it very easy to get comfy there. The biggest negative is that it is a small company, and with that comes bad management.
I'm not saying my boss is a bad person - quite the opposite. I admire her greatly and do recognize that she is a brilliant individual. She's always thinking outside the box and she does things that no one else in the company could come close to.
The hard thing about working for her - and she is not hard to work for in comparison to other bosses, who drive their assistants out in literally months time (the fact that I've lasted 2 1/2 years is somewhat of a miracle) - is that she is a control freak and is in her own world the majority of the time.
When we were hashing things out a few months ago, she said her biggest beef with me is our lack of communication. Well, lately, that is not my fault at all. I go into her office with a cheerful good morning and I'm met with a grunt. The problem is -- she's super busy and too involved with other projects besides our magazine.
I must send her 15 emails a day, of which 2 are usually answered. She does things on projects I'm working on to mess them up. If a problem arises, I get a meanly worded email, and all I have to do is forward her the previous email messages she's either ignored or already responded to. It's ridiculous.
I'm way overdue for my review - the last one I had was June 2007 and we discussed increasing my job duties beyond what I do. That hasn't happened. My responsibilities have definitely gone up, but it's nothing spectacular.
Like I mentioned before, there is a fast turn-around with admins in my company. I think the salary cap has a lot to do with it, along with the fact that there really isn't any where else to GO within the company, no chance for advancement.
So, with all this in mind, here's my initial list of what I need in a job - because I DO deserve to have a job that I am happy with and can grow from -
1. I need to be seen as an authority figure - not a boss per se, but my extensive job experience needs to be respected. This means, I can't work in any situation like the one I'm in today. My boss feels like she can do my job, therefore she doesn't allow me to thoroughly thrive.
2. I need to be at a company where my contributions are recognized and appreciated. As I've said before, there is a good old gal's club at my group, where a trio makes the decisions. Everyone else on the team is an accessory and our ideas don't matter much, which explains why staff meetings are usually so quiet. Everyone else is listening to the trio talk.
3. There MUST be room for promotion/advancement. I was just thinking about my makeup artist days, when there were pretty much no place for moving forward. The higher up jobs were rare - extremely rare - and if they came up, it was pretty much a popularity contest to decide who would get the job.
There is much more to add to this list in the coming months, but the basic jist of how I feel is that I need to be at a company where there is a defined marketing team - where I can advance, use my experience, and have some authority. And, there will be no cubicles involved! None! Ideally, I'll have my own office space. Dream big, I say.
In the end, I don't have any hard feelings towards my current job - I just know (and my boss knows, I think) that it's time for me to move on and utilize my skills. And make more than what's possible for my position at my current job. There is a salary cap and I'm pretty much there and it's a really pathetic pay at that.
It's finally hitting me how much crap I have to do right now. Off to bake, cook, and battle ants.
All due to an innocent box of Joe's O's on top of my refrigerator, the neighborhood ants decided to gang bang my kitchen. And a gang bang it indeed is -- they are congregating in my freezer and it's driving me crazy - I don't even want to open my fridge, which is a good and bad thing, but since tonight is a cooking night, that kind of screws me over.
AND, to top it all off, it's freaking late! The only reason I'm blogging right now is because I need a break from the ant cleanup/baby toenail clipping madness. Any day I have to clip the baby's toenails is bad enough, but the ant situation just makes the evening jump the shark times 100.
So, here I sit with my Diet Hansen's Pomegranate Soda, picking ants off my arms and commiserating with me, myself, and my laptop over the sorry state of my kitchen and car.
I decided today that my car is going to be replaced by a newer, younger, faster, and safer model by months end. After the big, expensive trip to the auto shop it is STILL leaking and apparently, only worth $500, so it's time for it to go. I'll handle the car payment because it's just too risky to drive that old car with the baby, especially with the long distances we travel.
So, today at work was a busy, crazy day and a couple of mistakes came to light, which I surely and most assuredly always get the heat for. I'm OKAY with all of this - not as upset as I used to get at all, now I just deal with it - and I'm glad to say that I finally GET what all the work drama is about.
In my attempts to start working on my upcoming job search, I'm kind of making a mental list of all the positives and negatives about my current job. One of the biggest positives is the atmosphere - I've met one of my best friends for life there and there is a certain amout of casual/comfort flexibility that makes it very easy to get comfy there. The biggest negative is that it is a small company, and with that comes bad management.
I'm not saying my boss is a bad person - quite the opposite. I admire her greatly and do recognize that she is a brilliant individual. She's always thinking outside the box and she does things that no one else in the company could come close to.
The hard thing about working for her - and she is not hard to work for in comparison to other bosses, who drive their assistants out in literally months time (the fact that I've lasted 2 1/2 years is somewhat of a miracle) - is that she is a control freak and is in her own world the majority of the time.
When we were hashing things out a few months ago, she said her biggest beef with me is our lack of communication. Well, lately, that is not my fault at all. I go into her office with a cheerful good morning and I'm met with a grunt. The problem is -- she's super busy and too involved with other projects besides our magazine.
I must send her 15 emails a day, of which 2 are usually answered. She does things on projects I'm working on to mess them up. If a problem arises, I get a meanly worded email, and all I have to do is forward her the previous email messages she's either ignored or already responded to. It's ridiculous.
I'm way overdue for my review - the last one I had was June 2007 and we discussed increasing my job duties beyond what I do. That hasn't happened. My responsibilities have definitely gone up, but it's nothing spectacular.
Like I mentioned before, there is a fast turn-around with admins in my company. I think the salary cap has a lot to do with it, along with the fact that there really isn't any where else to GO within the company, no chance for advancement.
So, with all this in mind, here's my initial list of what I need in a job - because I DO deserve to have a job that I am happy with and can grow from -
1. I need to be seen as an authority figure - not a boss per se, but my extensive job experience needs to be respected. This means, I can't work in any situation like the one I'm in today. My boss feels like she can do my job, therefore she doesn't allow me to thoroughly thrive.
2. I need to be at a company where my contributions are recognized and appreciated. As I've said before, there is a good old gal's club at my group, where a trio makes the decisions. Everyone else on the team is an accessory and our ideas don't matter much, which explains why staff meetings are usually so quiet. Everyone else is listening to the trio talk.
3. There MUST be room for promotion/advancement. I was just thinking about my makeup artist days, when there were pretty much no place for moving forward. The higher up jobs were rare - extremely rare - and if they came up, it was pretty much a popularity contest to decide who would get the job.
There is much more to add to this list in the coming months, but the basic jist of how I feel is that I need to be at a company where there is a defined marketing team - where I can advance, use my experience, and have some authority. And, there will be no cubicles involved! None! Ideally, I'll have my own office space. Dream big, I say.
In the end, I don't have any hard feelings towards my current job - I just know (and my boss knows, I think) that it's time for me to move on and utilize my skills. And make more than what's possible for my position at my current job. There is a salary cap and I'm pretty much there and it's a really pathetic pay at that.
It's finally hitting me how much crap I have to do right now. Off to bake, cook, and battle ants.
Pinpointing reasons ...
They make me feel incompetent here. I think it's just the way it is and I'll never be part of their gang, no matter what.
The truth is, and I have to remember this, is that I'm NOT. This is akin to my marriage. I fought my way through that and I can do that here, too.
And I do have a huge, related frustration, which is that no one listens to me or pays attention to me. My ideas are valid, they are great. I get blamed for stuff I have mentioned before.
Can you feel my frustration?
The truth is, and I have to remember this, is that I'm NOT. This is akin to my marriage. I fought my way through that and I can do that here, too.
And I do have a huge, related frustration, which is that no one listens to me or pays attention to me. My ideas are valid, they are great. I get blamed for stuff I have mentioned before.
Can you feel my frustration?
My fundamental problem...
You know that saying, "find a job you love and you'll never work a day again in your whole life"?
I don't believe I deserve that.
I don't believe I deserve that.
Living on a prayer
Hi, I'm AnonMom and I'm in love with a figment of my imagination.
Maybe I'm just crazy -- scratch that, I AM crazy -- but more and more I find myself deeply enmeshed in an imaginary world I've created in my mind. It's the world of me and radio man -- in my mind, he's contacted me after all these years of silence and what's happening now is an all-encompassing whirlwind of romance.
On Saturday night, I had a talk with my imagination and accepted that everything WAS just a big game of make believe - to make matters clear, I do not expect radio man to show up in my life again, even though I saw his name active on LinkedIn (shocker - there was no stalking involved, he's still in my aol mail address book) and NO, I'm not going to contact him. I have made peace that the past is in the past and any thing that did happened between us in our past was purely made up on my part. This is true.
However, making up this fake life makes me happy. This must be how people who play Second Life feel. In my fake life, I've gotten back in touch with Radio Man and he and I have the best conversations ever - we totally "get" each other. He can't believe what an asshole my ex was, and he doesn't know how he let me go, me being as fabulous as I am. He's also in disbelief that my ex doesn't want to provide for us and as a result has purchased a home, is charging me minimal rent to stay there and is taking the rent payments I'm giving him and investing it for me.
This is why this blog has to stay anonymous. Because I am a sick individual, and if any of this got back to radio man for real I would be so mortified and would have to completely change my identity.
I have problems.
Maybe I'm just crazy -- scratch that, I AM crazy -- but more and more I find myself deeply enmeshed in an imaginary world I've created in my mind. It's the world of me and radio man -- in my mind, he's contacted me after all these years of silence and what's happening now is an all-encompassing whirlwind of romance.
On Saturday night, I had a talk with my imagination and accepted that everything WAS just a big game of make believe - to make matters clear, I do not expect radio man to show up in my life again, even though I saw his name active on LinkedIn (shocker - there was no stalking involved, he's still in my aol mail address book) and NO, I'm not going to contact him. I have made peace that the past is in the past and any thing that did happened between us in our past was purely made up on my part. This is true.
However, making up this fake life makes me happy. This must be how people who play Second Life feel. In my fake life, I've gotten back in touch with Radio Man and he and I have the best conversations ever - we totally "get" each other. He can't believe what an asshole my ex was, and he doesn't know how he let me go, me being as fabulous as I am. He's also in disbelief that my ex doesn't want to provide for us and as a result has purchased a home, is charging me minimal rent to stay there and is taking the rent payments I'm giving him and investing it for me.
This is why this blog has to stay anonymous. Because I am a sick individual, and if any of this got back to radio man for real I would be so mortified and would have to completely change my identity.
I have problems.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Putting the pieces together.
I'm putting the pieces together on my family today, and so much stuff makes sense now.
Unlike the majority of families, mine was very sheltered from the outside world and from our own family. It didn't really help that we lived in an entirely different continent and I wasn't raised to learn our home language, but needless to say, I didn't have a whole lot of contact with anyone besides my mom and dad, with the occasional visit from a cousin or uncle.
Both sets of my grandparents came to visit us at separate times. My mom's parents were the "good" grandparents - the kind ones, whereas my dad's mom (who came alone -she had long been widowed) was viewed with my mom's skewed views. She is an orthodox muslim woman who takes her religion seriously and my more-liberally raised mom is suspicious of her motives and ways. I didn't miss her when she went home.
All I knew about her was what I heard second hand - that she was crazy, anyone that into islam was crazy, she was an opportunist, she was hiding money from my dad, she wasn't truthful to my dad about his dad's death.
Today, my mom and I had a rare intimate family talk on account of the Persian book she is reading and can't get her nose out of . I love learning stuff about my family.
Growing up I never saw my mom read more than the National Enquirer, but since she has access to lots of Persian books now, she picks up stuff now and then, the current read being one she remembers reading when she was young. She doesn't reme mber how it ends, only that it made her so sad. My dad read part of it and had to stop - it hit too close to home.
The story is about a man who brings home a second wife and the pain that ensues. The reason it hit too close to home? When he was six, his dad took on a second wife, and it tore his own family apart.
My grandmother, Zahra, was a beautiful woman in her youth, even middle age didn't diminish her striking features, the aqualine nose that my dad inherited. She married very young, per tradition, and had my dad at 15 years old. Just very, very young.
Imagine, being 21 years old, the mother of three young children, including a newborn, and finding out that your husband has taken on another wife? That takes post partum depression to a whole new level.
According to my mom, my dad remembers at six hearing her scream and cry and yell when she found this out and she was never the same again -- in my mom's earlier stories about her, the reason her husband took on a second wife is because she was basically a shrew.
As I told my mom, the same thing happened to me with my ex and his lebanese girlfriend. Who knows what he told her about me, but we were still together and as far as I knew, he was going to return to me in 6 months (even though he had no return ticket ...duh). It's in the past, and I AM past it, but I can't help but wonder ... did she realize I was waiting at home for him and the horrid way he broke up with me? She got broken up with just as horridly, so I think all scores are settled by now.
You know, knowing all of this, it feels like a weight has been lifted, in many ways. Now that I've experienced my own pain, I can put the puzzle together at last and move forward from my own pain that's been holding me back.
Unlike the majority of families, mine was very sheltered from the outside world and from our own family. It didn't really help that we lived in an entirely different continent and I wasn't raised to learn our home language, but needless to say, I didn't have a whole lot of contact with anyone besides my mom and dad, with the occasional visit from a cousin or uncle.
Both sets of my grandparents came to visit us at separate times. My mom's parents were the "good" grandparents - the kind ones, whereas my dad's mom (who came alone -she had long been widowed) was viewed with my mom's skewed views. She is an orthodox muslim woman who takes her religion seriously and my more-liberally raised mom is suspicious of her motives and ways. I didn't miss her when she went home.
All I knew about her was what I heard second hand - that she was crazy, anyone that into islam was crazy, she was an opportunist, she was hiding money from my dad, she wasn't truthful to my dad about his dad's death.
Today, my mom and I had a rare intimate family talk on account of the Persian book she is reading and can't get her nose out of . I love learning stuff about my family.
Growing up I never saw my mom read more than the National Enquirer, but since she has access to lots of Persian books now, she picks up stuff now and then, the current read being one she remembers reading when she was young. She doesn't reme mber how it ends, only that it made her so sad. My dad read part of it and had to stop - it hit too close to home.
The story is about a man who brings home a second wife and the pain that ensues. The reason it hit too close to home? When he was six, his dad took on a second wife, and it tore his own family apart.
My grandmother, Zahra, was a beautiful woman in her youth, even middle age didn't diminish her striking features, the aqualine nose that my dad inherited. She married very young, per tradition, and had my dad at 15 years old. Just very, very young.
Imagine, being 21 years old, the mother of three young children, including a newborn, and finding out that your husband has taken on another wife? That takes post partum depression to a whole new level.
According to my mom, my dad remembers at six hearing her scream and cry and yell when she found this out and she was never the same again -- in my mom's earlier stories about her, the reason her husband took on a second wife is because she was basically a shrew.
Now so much makes sense -- I can understand exactly why my grandmother was the way she is - using her religion as her wall - - and more importantly, why my dad is the way he is. Distant with many family matters in my youth, I didn't understand why he would be so weird about birthdays and other celebrations. It broke my heart at the time and created so many hard feelings on my end. I just wanted a NORMAL dad -- but now I see that his reactions were his wall, his way of dealing with the pain of an absent father who he loved dearly but ignored him and his siblings.
You know, knowing all of this, it feels like a weight has been lifted, in many ways. Now that I've experienced my own pain, I can put the puzzle together at last and move forward from my own pain that's been holding me back.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tired
I'm struggling to find comfort in my current state of existance. My Thursday/Friday commute from OC to the South Bay is getting harder and harder on me. I struggle to stay awake in the am and pm and that scares me.
I've made the decsion to seek out a change after the new year, and I think that will be a good time to do it. Yes, I am a little worried about insurance and so forth, but I do know that there really is no other alternative to my financial problems.
One thing I do know is that I CAN acheive whatever I want. I remember being envious of classmates who are now doctors, but truthfully, that's not a life I want for myself. I need to spend the next few months supporting my own esteem, being my own cheerleader.
The road I'm traveling is rough, but there is sunshine at the end of my day. It isn't easy going at it alone, but it is so much better than the alternative.
I got a sweet note in the mail from the baby's great grandparents on his father's side. The note said thank you for doing a good job raising this boy. That was the nicest thing I've heard in a long while.
I've made the decsion to seek out a change after the new year, and I think that will be a good time to do it. Yes, I am a little worried about insurance and so forth, but I do know that there really is no other alternative to my financial problems.
One thing I do know is that I CAN acheive whatever I want. I remember being envious of classmates who are now doctors, but truthfully, that's not a life I want for myself. I need to spend the next few months supporting my own esteem, being my own cheerleader.
The road I'm traveling is rough, but there is sunshine at the end of my day. It isn't easy going at it alone, but it is so much better than the alternative.
I got a sweet note in the mail from the baby's great grandparents on his father's side. The note said thank you for doing a good job raising this boy. That was the nicest thing I've heard in a long while.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The take home message
I just cannot stop thinking about that blog I posted in my last blog. Even though I had serious work to get done, I spent an hour and a half reading the blog.
The take home message is this - I am so thankful for what I have. Even though I am having rough times, my problems are so insignificant compared to what others have to deal with.
It recalls something an old friend once said to me -- your worst day is someone's best day.
So true, so very true.
The take home message is this - I am so thankful for what I have. Even though I am having rough times, my problems are so insignificant compared to what others have to deal with.
It recalls something an old friend once said to me -- your worst day is someone's best day.
So true, so very true.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Heartbreaking story
Today I came in contact with the blog of parents of a very special needs boy who just unexpectedly passed away at a little more than a year old.
The story is incredibly heartbreaking - the parents battled infertility and then gave birth to their son who had major health issues.
There were a few things about this blog that touched me immensly:
1. The boy was loved so much. Even though he was in tremendous pain, his parents were so patient and so faithful to God.
2. Their faith in God.
3. The little boy himself - he had gorgeous eyes full of life and love.
The story is incredibly heartbreaking - the parents battled infertility and then gave birth to their son who had major health issues.
There were a few things about this blog that touched me immensly:
1. The boy was loved so much. Even though he was in tremendous pain, his parents were so patient and so faithful to God.
2. Their faith in God.
3. The little boy himself - he had gorgeous eyes full of life and love.
Ah, tis a lovely day ...
Recently, the discount online shoe store 6pm.com came to my attention. An offshoot of zappos.com, the big name in online shoe sales, 6pm offers a huge variety of shoes available for deep discount prices - mainly $29.95.
So far, I've bought one, or two ... (or five) by my favorite shoe brand, Nine West. Nine West has really stepped up their game recently and their designs are just ... awesome!
Sidenote: my purchases, or should I say - renewals for my shoe-drobe - have been funded by my side gig and also a surprise windfall from an old job. I also have to say, it's been a delight to get all these shoes in the mail at work. Talk about semi-cheap thrills!
Last year, towards the end of my pregnancy, when I was fully bloated and ready to pop and retaining water that effectively turned my lower extremities into tree trunks, I was postively lusting after a pair of Nine Wests I had seen in InStyle. Lusting ... I went back and forth on them and finally bought them, only to discover that they didn't fit my boat-sized feet whatsoever. It recalled the ordeals of Cinderalla's stepsisters as they attempted to fit their own boats into Cinderella's petite glass slippers. Not pretty.
I wanted to refuse defeat, but since money was tight around that time, I took them back... sadly, so very sadly.
Well, I guess what goes around comes around, because I spotted them on 6pm.com and snagged them and ... they're just LOVELY!!!!
Even though I wasn't lucky in the baby weight department (meaning it's been like moving a mountain to lose it), I DID get lucky in the shoe size department. Some women gain an extra shoe size or two during their pregnancy, but thankfully, oh so thankfully, mine haven't changed at all.
I'm a size 10. I can't imagine having to buy size 11 shoes. Can't!
So far, I've bought one, or two ... (or five) by my favorite shoe brand, Nine West. Nine West has really stepped up their game recently and their designs are just ... awesome!
Sidenote: my purchases, or should I say - renewals for my shoe-drobe - have been funded by my side gig and also a surprise windfall from an old job. I also have to say, it's been a delight to get all these shoes in the mail at work. Talk about semi-cheap thrills!
Last year, towards the end of my pregnancy, when I was fully bloated and ready to pop and retaining water that effectively turned my lower extremities into tree trunks, I was postively lusting after a pair of Nine Wests I had seen in InStyle. Lusting ... I went back and forth on them and finally bought them, only to discover that they didn't fit my boat-sized feet whatsoever. It recalled the ordeals of Cinderalla's stepsisters as they attempted to fit their own boats into Cinderella's petite glass slippers. Not pretty.
I wanted to refuse defeat, but since money was tight around that time, I took them back... sadly, so very sadly.
Well, I guess what goes around comes around, because I spotted them on 6pm.com and snagged them and ... they're just LOVELY!!!!
Even though I wasn't lucky in the baby weight department (meaning it's been like moving a mountain to lose it), I DID get lucky in the shoe size department. Some women gain an extra shoe size or two during their pregnancy, but thankfully, oh so thankfully, mine haven't changed at all.
I'm a size 10. I can't imagine having to buy size 11 shoes. Can't!
Monday, September 8, 2008
What I learned yesterday ...
... after the birthday fiasco, is:
1. Living well is the best revenge.
2. Old dogs can't learn new tricks
My ex is clearly living in la-la land and it really DOES irritate me, at least to the extent that I had dreams about him doing the mental mind fuckery of the old days. But those days, thankfully, are no more and I figure the best thing I can do for myself is start to slowly move past them.
At the bbq celebration yesterday, the whole extended family was present and my ex was at his obnoxious worst. He doesn't bother to change out of his pajamas and I guess what irks me the most about him is his utter cluelessness. In my mind, he's a bumbling idiot, going around with a grin, totally wrapped up in his own world with nary a care about the REAL, outside world.
I guess his dates/friends have dried up, because he is at his mom's house every day ALL day, with the curtains closed and lights dimmed. What a boring life.
Anyway, he started driving me crazy with the songs he sings to the baby. They're songs he's made up and he thinks they're funny. To me they're not funny at all and I'm not sure if everyone else *really* thinks they're funny or else they're just going along with things. If they DO think the songs are funny, maybe I'm really the one with problems. Nevertheless, the songs BUG me big time, and I told him so a couple times which unleased his inner lion (he's a leo).
Things almost got bad -- he said, this is my visitation time and you're telling me what to sing to my child? I replied, your visitation time is technically over and you're giving me a headache and I'm the one who has to deal with this non-napped baby at home.
He just left, closed his door, and got to his work, whatever it is.
Like I said in my blog post yesterday, there is nothing he can do to me. I'm really on the sunny side of the street here because he has no more hold on me that he can use to make me feel bad. It's true that no one can make you feel bad without your consent, but I will say that my ex used every kind of leeway he had to make me feel bad when we were together.
It's a control thing, totally - those with little control or power seek to make it SEEM like they do by constant mind fuckery. It's the same way he talks pretentiously about languages and family situations, making himself seem like the authority. But, honey - money talks, and talk walks. He's nothing but an illusion, rapidly caving in upon himself.
How long can his charade last? As long as his mother supports it, which is seemingly neverending. One thing that disgusted me yesterday (really) and was very telling was how he called his mom "mama" very loudly, frequently, and in the tone of a 5 year old child. He'll never grow up and she'll keep wiping his ass (not literally).
And it's not my problem, anymore. The solution? I will HAVE to start keeping my visits short, despite my MIL's requests that I stay longer. It is just no good for anyone involved and it will make things easier.
The good thing about all of this is that it opened my eyes a little bit - thank GOD I am out of the situation, because I can see that if I had stayed, it would have been 6 more months of fighting instead of the peace I've forged for myself. And that would have really negatively affected the baby, who is so perceptive these days. Who would want to make that sweet boy sad? It's not the child's responsibility to carry the burdens of the parents, so I am so glad he gets to see the (somewhat) Disney version of me and his dad. Not living together, but at least not at each others throats.
It's just so much better that way.
1. Living well is the best revenge.
2. Old dogs can't learn new tricks
My ex is clearly living in la-la land and it really DOES irritate me, at least to the extent that I had dreams about him doing the mental mind fuckery of the old days. But those days, thankfully, are no more and I figure the best thing I can do for myself is start to slowly move past them.
At the bbq celebration yesterday, the whole extended family was present and my ex was at his obnoxious worst. He doesn't bother to change out of his pajamas and I guess what irks me the most about him is his utter cluelessness. In my mind, he's a bumbling idiot, going around with a grin, totally wrapped up in his own world with nary a care about the REAL, outside world.
I guess his dates/friends have dried up, because he is at his mom's house every day ALL day, with the curtains closed and lights dimmed. What a boring life.
Anyway, he started driving me crazy with the songs he sings to the baby. They're songs he's made up and he thinks they're funny. To me they're not funny at all and I'm not sure if everyone else *really* thinks they're funny or else they're just going along with things. If they DO think the songs are funny, maybe I'm really the one with problems. Nevertheless, the songs BUG me big time, and I told him so a couple times which unleased his inner lion (he's a leo).
Things almost got bad -- he said, this is my visitation time and you're telling me what to sing to my child? I replied, your visitation time is technically over and you're giving me a headache and I'm the one who has to deal with this non-napped baby at home.
He just left, closed his door, and got to his work, whatever it is.
Like I said in my blog post yesterday, there is nothing he can do to me. I'm really on the sunny side of the street here because he has no more hold on me that he can use to make me feel bad. It's true that no one can make you feel bad without your consent, but I will say that my ex used every kind of leeway he had to make me feel bad when we were together.
It's a control thing, totally - those with little control or power seek to make it SEEM like they do by constant mind fuckery. It's the same way he talks pretentiously about languages and family situations, making himself seem like the authority. But, honey - money talks, and talk walks. He's nothing but an illusion, rapidly caving in upon himself.
How long can his charade last? As long as his mother supports it, which is seemingly neverending. One thing that disgusted me yesterday (really) and was very telling was how he called his mom "mama" very loudly, frequently, and in the tone of a 5 year old child. He'll never grow up and she'll keep wiping his ass (not literally).
And it's not my problem, anymore. The solution? I will HAVE to start keeping my visits short, despite my MIL's requests that I stay longer. It is just no good for anyone involved and it will make things easier.
The good thing about all of this is that it opened my eyes a little bit - thank GOD I am out of the situation, because I can see that if I had stayed, it would have been 6 more months of fighting instead of the peace I've forged for myself. And that would have really negatively affected the baby, who is so perceptive these days. Who would want to make that sweet boy sad? It's not the child's responsibility to carry the burdens of the parents, so I am so glad he gets to see the (somewhat) Disney version of me and his dad. Not living together, but at least not at each others throats.
It's just so much better that way.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Oy, vey ... times two
Just a quick note -- just back from MIL's house to celebrate her hubby and step daughter's bday and almost got into it bad with the ex. He drives me crazy.
The good thing -- there really is nothing he can do to threaten me anymore! Oh, the joy! We're no longer married, so he can't threated me with divorce, and the divorce papers have been signed, so he can't threaten me with taking away the baby!
Joy, Joy, JOY!!!!
The good thing -- there really is nothing he can do to threaten me anymore! Oh, the joy! We're no longer married, so he can't threated me with divorce, and the divorce papers have been signed, so he can't threaten me with taking away the baby!
Joy, Joy, JOY!!!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I'm officially almost free
Yesterday on my lunch hour I went to my ex's paralegal's office to meet with his lawyer and sign the final divorce papers. It felt ... good. Like a relief, like I was doing something positive and going in the right direction. And then later, weird.
To my surprise, I really liked his lawyer and paralegal. They are fundamentally GOOD people, which I rarely encounter in the dirty media world. It kind of made me stop and think that the media world is just too much scandal for me. Anyways, after chatting with them for a bit, we resolved a couple of issues and I signed my part of the papers and in 60 days I'll get a letter in the mail stamped by the judge and I can offically go back to my maiden name.
Changing your name is a HUGE pain in the butt, but I'm willing to stand in line at the Social Security office and DMV because it's time for me to get back to myself!
Later on, driving around to do errands, I did start feeling weird about the whole thing ... I'm divorced. Truthfully, I've been avoiding putting a lot of energy on the subject and I think that's a good thing. When I decided to end the marriage in Feburary, I knew in my heart that I would be much better off alone, and in the 7 months since our split, I really have gotten to a new level of existence. Here are some of my positive changes:
- I'm happier
- My home looks much better. I dumped a lot of junk and bought new furniture that I LOVE and aren't old castoffs from my ex.
- I've done stuff for myself that I never would have done before - like buying my digital slr and new laptop.
- I've had better luck with money
- In general, I'm living better (and that is the best revenge)
It' s not that I have new THINGS, it's that I have a whole new mindset and I'm digging myself out from under the oppression of my ex's insecurities. As I was going through things in my head last night, I recalled several conversations from the past, stemming from my going through his inventory of the past seven months. In comparison to my changes, my ex is no where. He is still living with his mom and step-dad, is barely working, naps all day, hasn't saved ANY money (I saw a check for a loan payback to his step-dad) and is probably going to be doing the exact same thing 6 months from now.
When we broke up, in one conversation he said to me, "You're going to be a secretary forever and I'm goign to be successful!!!!"
Oh, what a big head someone has. Yeah, successful at frittering his life away.
In a way, I was also mad at him, though I did manage to let it go and not consume me. His lawyer has been very sympathetic to my side and told me that he really admires me and all that I do for the baby. And that made me MAD because I thought ... here I am, running around, doing this and that, taking the baby to the doctor and watching him go through a meltdown, then going home, packing up, driving to my mom's and then staying up with the baby until 1 am, then waking up at 5:30 am, and what is my ex doing all day? Paying me $150 a month child support, sleeping in, and napping all day.
That $150 is really a huge insult, but in the larger picture, I should be and AM extremely glad that I'm not tied to him anymore.
The thing about my ex is that he talks a really good talk and I, like many others, fell for it. But the truth it, he is one of those people who will live off of the brief and past glory of his youth for the rest of his life. The truth is, he will never mentally progress and will never be able to change his situation, because he is always fixated on his past. The truth is, I am so much better than him, and by severing my ties to him, I have done something wonderful and will go places I never though possible.
When my ex and I first got together, I was extremely vulnerable and just trying to figure out who I was and where I was going. He spent countless hours trying to mold me into what he thought was the perfect wife, getting me to learn stuff I really have no interest in (and shouldn't be shamed into having an interest in) and berating me for my failures.
Typical conversation:
Him: What are the long vowels and short vowels in Farsi?
Me (nervously): ah, eh, oh, uh, ee, ....
Him: YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE GONE OVER THIS?! Things go in one ear and out the other.
Yes, I'm much better off.
To my surprise, I really liked his lawyer and paralegal. They are fundamentally GOOD people, which I rarely encounter in the dirty media world. It kind of made me stop and think that the media world is just too much scandal for me. Anyways, after chatting with them for a bit, we resolved a couple of issues and I signed my part of the papers and in 60 days I'll get a letter in the mail stamped by the judge and I can offically go back to my maiden name.
Changing your name is a HUGE pain in the butt, but I'm willing to stand in line at the Social Security office and DMV because it's time for me to get back to myself!
Later on, driving around to do errands, I did start feeling weird about the whole thing ... I'm divorced. Truthfully, I've been avoiding putting a lot of energy on the subject and I think that's a good thing. When I decided to end the marriage in Feburary, I knew in my heart that I would be much better off alone, and in the 7 months since our split, I really have gotten to a new level of existence. Here are some of my positive changes:
- I'm happier
- My home looks much better. I dumped a lot of junk and bought new furniture that I LOVE and aren't old castoffs from my ex.
- I've done stuff for myself that I never would have done before - like buying my digital slr and new laptop.
- I've had better luck with money
- In general, I'm living better (and that is the best revenge)
It' s not that I have new THINGS, it's that I have a whole new mindset and I'm digging myself out from under the oppression of my ex's insecurities. As I was going through things in my head last night, I recalled several conversations from the past, stemming from my going through his inventory of the past seven months. In comparison to my changes, my ex is no where. He is still living with his mom and step-dad, is barely working, naps all day, hasn't saved ANY money (I saw a check for a loan payback to his step-dad) and is probably going to be doing the exact same thing 6 months from now.
When we broke up, in one conversation he said to me, "You're going to be a secretary forever and I'm goign to be successful!!!!"
Oh, what a big head someone has. Yeah, successful at frittering his life away.
In a way, I was also mad at him, though I did manage to let it go and not consume me. His lawyer has been very sympathetic to my side and told me that he really admires me and all that I do for the baby. And that made me MAD because I thought ... here I am, running around, doing this and that, taking the baby to the doctor and watching him go through a meltdown, then going home, packing up, driving to my mom's and then staying up with the baby until 1 am, then waking up at 5:30 am, and what is my ex doing all day? Paying me $150 a month child support, sleeping in, and napping all day.
That $150 is really a huge insult, but in the larger picture, I should be and AM extremely glad that I'm not tied to him anymore.
The thing about my ex is that he talks a really good talk and I, like many others, fell for it. But the truth it, he is one of those people who will live off of the brief and past glory of his youth for the rest of his life. The truth is, he will never mentally progress and will never be able to change his situation, because he is always fixated on his past. The truth is, I am so much better than him, and by severing my ties to him, I have done something wonderful and will go places I never though possible.
When my ex and I first got together, I was extremely vulnerable and just trying to figure out who I was and where I was going. He spent countless hours trying to mold me into what he thought was the perfect wife, getting me to learn stuff I really have no interest in (and shouldn't be shamed into having an interest in) and berating me for my failures.
Typical conversation:
Him: What are the long vowels and short vowels in Farsi?
Me (nervously): ah, eh, oh, uh, ee, ....
Him: YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE GONE OVER THIS?! Things go in one ear and out the other.
Yes, I'm much better off.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Walking on eggshells
So, this morning my magazine team received an email from our publisher telling us to keep our personal conversations to a minimum and be quiet, on account of complaints she's received.
Even though it was directed to the entire team, I can't help but feel that me and one of my coworkers, a now outside friend, were targeted, and because of the annoying cubicle mate who used to engage me in conversation and now ignores me.
Beotch.
If my suspicions are true, the accusations smack of hypocrisy. First of all, I really do keep my conversations that are non-work related to a minimum and we really aren't that loud. The cubicle mate is two times louder with her "ooh" and "aahs" that she makes throughout the day.
Honestly, this makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what to do or what to say. Thankfully, I have my ipod and earphones today after losing my earphones this weekend and I can drown out the peanut gallery pretty well.
It's just ridiculous and what I really want to do is throw a hissy fit. I mean it, I want nothing more than to point fingers and stand on a soap box. However, I HAVE to keep it down and redirect my feelings to this blog, which I am thoroughly grateful for.
That beotch.
Even though it was directed to the entire team, I can't help but feel that me and one of my coworkers, a now outside friend, were targeted, and because of the annoying cubicle mate who used to engage me in conversation and now ignores me.
Beotch.
If my suspicions are true, the accusations smack of hypocrisy. First of all, I really do keep my conversations that are non-work related to a minimum and we really aren't that loud. The cubicle mate is two times louder with her "ooh" and "aahs" that she makes throughout the day.
Honestly, this makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what to do or what to say. Thankfully, I have my ipod and earphones today after losing my earphones this weekend and I can drown out the peanut gallery pretty well.
It's just ridiculous and what I really want to do is throw a hissy fit. I mean it, I want nothing more than to point fingers and stand on a soap box. However, I HAVE to keep it down and redirect my feelings to this blog, which I am thoroughly grateful for.
That beotch.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
On the prowl ....
The work computer geek is on the prowl again, waddling around the office, making the brave attempt to say hi and make unwanted comments when I shoot him down.
Ugh, ugh, ugh.
It makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with him. When one of my coworkers left a couple of weeks ago, she had the balls to tell him he was boring and people really don't want to listen to him talk all about himself all the time, and we're not here to give him free therapy. He told her I was mean.
Actually, that's exactly what I was going for, but I really didn't want him coming BACK for more meanness, because that's all I have to give him. I do not need him waddling over to say "hi!", with his various moods.
Can't take it! Why is there always ONE person like this???
And why did I leave my ipod earphones at home?? Why??? I can't put myself on mute today and drown out the rest of the office! Why?!?!
Ugh, ugh, ugh.
It makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with him. When one of my coworkers left a couple of weeks ago, she had the balls to tell him he was boring and people really don't want to listen to him talk all about himself all the time, and we're not here to give him free therapy. He told her I was mean.
Actually, that's exactly what I was going for, but I really didn't want him coming BACK for more meanness, because that's all I have to give him. I do not need him waddling over to say "hi!", with his various moods.
Can't take it! Why is there always ONE person like this???
And why did I leave my ipod earphones at home?? Why??? I can't put myself on mute today and drown out the rest of the office! Why?!?!
What a wild weekend
Well, all I can say is that any significant amount of time involving a sick baby is just a really difficult one. A roller coaster of emotions!
I'm not sure where he got it (his bday party? Disneyland?), but the baby aquired his second ear infection of his life and this one is a real doozy. It's more painful than the first one and it's turned him into the most miserable baby in the world.
On Saturday I stayed at my mom's a while longer since I decided to take my screaming child to urgent care. My dad, a retired m.d., wasn't sure I should, since he thinks antibiotics are overprescribed and it would be better for the whatever the baby had to resolve itself, but the baby was really burning up and was so thoroughly unhappy that I didn't see any other way around it.
The verdict? A deep infection in his left ear. And three days later, he's still miserable. Poor thing.
It's been rough on me, so last night I took up my ex-MIL's offer for a bbq and stayed around a while for a little relief. The low points were being around my ex, since he's in a "let me be very familiar" phase, which is completely annoying.
It's very sweet that he's so close with the baby, but when he says sappy things involving me, such as "Did you know you'd have the world's most beautiful baby when you were pregnant?", I only want to say back, "I wish I knew how lame you'd turn out to be when we got back together."
Seriously, he's lame and his only saving grace in the world happens to be that he has a really great mother.
Last night I watched some of the DVD of the baby's first year that my mom gave to me as a present and it was just unbelievable. I guess I managed to forget or block out some of his earlier days because I totally forgot how difficult the first couple months were. His cries were so different! All that spitting up! So immobile! So much more work! Plus, there was footage of me in the labor and delivery room looking like a beached, totally miserable whale. Oy!
The best part about all of this was my mom's voice overs and the movies she took of herself with the baby. She doesn't realize it, but she is one of the funniest people in the world simply by just being herself. I don't think it's presumptious at all to say that Iranians are the world's most natural comedians, without even knowing it. Our country might have that stolid muslim image, but underneath the hijabs, we're full of hijinks and laughs.
That was definitely the highlight of the weekend - no, wait! This was the highlight - yesterday, on my long walk in the am, I bought a mini Vosges Barcelona Bar and positively SAVORED it with my Starbucks unsweeted iced green tea and it was one of the best things I've done for myself in recent times.
Vosges chocolate is one, if not THE (in my opinion) most decadent, premium brands of chocolate around. It's made with loving care, using the best ingredients, and usually involve a somewhat strange amalgam of ingredients, like bacon. The one I chose to get, the Barcelona bar, is a delicious combo of milk chocolate, crunchy sea salt, and roasted almonds. These ingredients, when combined = love. Pure love. I don't feel guilty at all about this because I really enjoyed it, breaking off little pieces and letting them melt in my mouth and then cleansing my palate with the tea and then starting over again, because it made me feel like I WASN'T on the stinky pacific coast highway. I wasn't walking past a no-tell motel with the random used condoms here and there, I was coasting along the shore with a personal umbrella holder and a private cabana up ahead.
Small pleasures.
I'm not sure where he got it (his bday party? Disneyland?), but the baby aquired his second ear infection of his life and this one is a real doozy. It's more painful than the first one and it's turned him into the most miserable baby in the world.
On Saturday I stayed at my mom's a while longer since I decided to take my screaming child to urgent care. My dad, a retired m.d., wasn't sure I should, since he thinks antibiotics are overprescribed and it would be better for the whatever the baby had to resolve itself, but the baby was really burning up and was so thoroughly unhappy that I didn't see any other way around it.
The verdict? A deep infection in his left ear. And three days later, he's still miserable. Poor thing.
It's been rough on me, so last night I took up my ex-MIL's offer for a bbq and stayed around a while for a little relief. The low points were being around my ex, since he's in a "let me be very familiar" phase, which is completely annoying.
It's very sweet that he's so close with the baby, but when he says sappy things involving me, such as "Did you know you'd have the world's most beautiful baby when you were pregnant?", I only want to say back, "I wish I knew how lame you'd turn out to be when we got back together."
Seriously, he's lame and his only saving grace in the world happens to be that he has a really great mother.
Last night I watched some of the DVD of the baby's first year that my mom gave to me as a present and it was just unbelievable. I guess I managed to forget or block out some of his earlier days because I totally forgot how difficult the first couple months were. His cries were so different! All that spitting up! So immobile! So much more work! Plus, there was footage of me in the labor and delivery room looking like a beached, totally miserable whale. Oy!
The baby has a step-cousin (who we call his cousin) who is exactly one year and 2 days older than him. I remember around this past Xmas time, when the baby was about 4 months old and I was still in my exhausted/schlubbly/I don't give a care phase, I looked at his mom with envy. She was so put together! At the time, I couldn't even imagine being at that point, but I am so glad I am! The best part about having an older baby is that the pressure is off in so many ways and I have certain freedoms again. Phew!
That was definitely the highlight of the weekend - no, wait! This was the highlight - yesterday, on my long walk in the am, I bought a mini Vosges Barcelona Bar and positively SAVORED it with my Starbucks unsweeted iced green tea and it was one of the best things I've done for myself in recent times.
Vosges chocolate is one, if not THE (in my opinion) most decadent, premium brands of chocolate around. It's made with loving care, using the best ingredients, and usually involve a somewhat strange amalgam of ingredients, like bacon. The one I chose to get, the Barcelona bar, is a delicious combo of milk chocolate, crunchy sea salt, and roasted almonds. These ingredients, when combined = love. Pure love. I don't feel guilty at all about this because I really enjoyed it, breaking off little pieces and letting them melt in my mouth and then cleansing my palate with the tea and then starting over again, because it made me feel like I WASN'T on the stinky pacific coast highway. I wasn't walking past a no-tell motel with the random used condoms here and there, I was coasting along the shore with a personal umbrella holder and a private cabana up ahead.
Small pleasures.
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