I said that's life

There are times in my day-to-day life when I am consumed by the moment, but the unending possibility of joy that is available to us. There are times when I'm just buzzing along ... and then I eventually and inevitably crash back to reality.

There are bills to pay, checks to sign, personal loans to payback, and husbands to divorce. There are times I just want to take my kid and run away from it all. There are times I want to kick my ex in the balls and force him to be a man. Times when I make the illadvised choice to eat Costco birthday cake one day and pie the nex. Yes, there are tough times.

I took the day off to celebrate the baby's birthday with my family and had a really good time. It was tiring, to say the least, but I found that the willingness of strangers to help me out when I was struggling was inspiring. As much as the not-so-innocent inner workings of the Disney enterprise come to the forefront, there are still good people who come to visit Disneyland for good reasons. However, towards the end of the day, I was extremely saddened when I saw a disabled young woman left in her wheelchair, watching over a baby when she was probably the one who needed to be watched over, while her parents or whoever were in line for the Matterhorn.

It's hard being born with a bleeding heart, such as mine. Hard, I tell you!

A reason for cynicism

As I was reading the obituary for Dr. Dre's son, Andre Jr., who was found dead in his bedroom at age 20 over the weekend, it mentioned that after a prolonged child support battle, Dr. Dre only provided the mother with $500 a month child support.

Part of me felt better about my paltry situation, and yet another part of me is infuriated. What the f, man? What is it with men not taking personal responsibility for their children?

And, on a message board I frequent, the subject of infidelity has come up. According to one board member on the scene and in the know, the majority of men she comes in contact with cheat and are widly unfaithful to their wives/girlfriends.

Ugh.

I am filled with cynicism and a desire to move to a deserted island. Is there no hope for faithful men in this world? Is there any hope for me? Am I just a fool to believe that people can hold the bonds of marriage sacred anymore?

What is the answer?

Recovering

Well, the baby's big birthday party went off without a hitch. It was a glorious day and we have lots of memories that we'll keep forever.

And we're still recovering! The baby barely napped at all on the big day and took a 3 hour nap yesterday. My head is still spinning, as is my MIL, who, so unlike her neat freak form, has let several household duties go for the next few days.

Being around my ex wasn't as horrific as I thought it would be, despite the fact he was around two of his old buddies and was his horrible obnoxious self around them. At one point I felt like I had to remind my friends that we were NOT together due to his excessive familiarity. Like, after singing one of his obnoxiously self-written songs, remarking, "I used to romantically woo his mother with this song."

I give a lot of credit to a couple of friends for putting up with it. A whole lot of credit. As in, I'm getting them a super nice present for their upcoming wedding.

In all, it was a great time, and if anything, served to remind me why we're not together anymore. He did a couple of things that utterly frustrated me and I realized that even if he were living with me still, he would just annoy me and make me mad.

In the end, all that matters is that the baby had a really wonderful day. It was so good for him to be around boys that were his age and a little older because at the end of the day, he started walking all by himself! Amazing! I just love that little love bug.

Yesterday he did the cutest thing ever. We were playing outside of grandpa's house when a small dog passes by. The baby is utterly FASCINATED with small animals, so he walks over to his walker ... why? Because he knows he can go fast in his walker and wants to follow the dog.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So smart!

There was a 10 month old boy at the party who was just 26 pounds of mush and chub. He was giggling and laughing at my games of peek a boo and tickle tickle. Its funny how babies have such different personalities. My baby has been independent and head strong pretty much since day one, when he was already holding his head up straight without needing any support. He loves to be cuddled and tickled, but at a certain point he does the "MOM!" back arch thing and wants to get on his way. This other little boy was just a cuddle-kin, though. He was giving me kisses and letting me squeeze him as long as I wanted.

Sigh .... I'm putting away the pitchers that I used to put my baby's boiled water in (for his formula) since he's about to transition to regular whole milk.

It kind of makes me sad, because you know what, there's no real guarantee that I'll ever do this again. I know there is ALWAYS hope for the future, but still, the fact that I am without a husband does not guarantee that it will ever happen for me again. And I love little babies.

I would be happy just to have my little guy, if that's what fate deems for me, but still, it would be so nice to have another little one.

Oh, the misery ....

Last night I got the most viscious migrane I've ever had. It came all of a sudden, around 7 pm when I got to my mom's house after my long commute there.

We had been planning on going to Disneyland after I had gotten home, and I guess my migrane was a sign that it wasn't supposed to happen. First of all, I needed to stay home and rest anyway, after being so exhausted for so long, and secondly, there was a huge, firey crash on the freeway we would have been on at around the time we would have been there.

Hidden blessings.

I'm going to take it easy today and do my best to relax. Going to get a pedicure tomorrow and have a fun day with the baby before his birthday party on Sunday, which will be pure chaos. 8 boys under the age of 4, plus my ex. Oy!

I'm excited for the birthday, because it will be nice to see some people I haven't seen for a while, and most of all, because my boy is turning one! I just love having a child and being able to participate in all these types of things. I've said it 7 zillion times, but kids just add a whole, groovy new dimension to your lives.

Even when I was pregnant, I knew that having a child would give my life purpose. Seriously. Instead of aimlessly wandering around through life, I now have a wonderful reason to acheive and succeed and do good things for him.

Well, my son's bio grandfather is back in Iraq after a 3 week visit, and true to form, he didn't bother buying his grandson any type of birthday present, not even a small tchotcke. That even hurt my ex.

I'm not sure if he's doing it intentionally, because he did spend a lot of time with the baby, but coming from a man who gave thousands of dollars to his kids over the last 3 years, you'd think he'd at least buy his first and only grandson (who's carrying on the family name) a stuffed animal or something.

I almost didn't want to write that last part, lest I sound totally self-absorbed or selfish, but that was really rude of him. Even his own parents sent a check for the baby. Even my MILs husband, the baby's step-grandpa, is going above and beyond to pay for his birthday party, which he has absolutely zero obligation to do.

Who can explain these kinds of things ... I guess it's best to just sweep it under a rug and focus on what really matters - throwing a great party for a very special little boy.

I don't feel good

For the last couple weeks, I've been finding myself going to sleep by 1 a.m. the earliest and them waking up at my usual 6:30 am. The baby's been waking up in the middle of the night because he is teething BIG TIME.

Yesterday when I went to pick him up from his dad, he was screeching and was burning up - very unusual for him. I gave him a sugar free fruit bar to cool him down, then looked in his mouth and his gums were bleeding. My poor baby! He also hadn't taken a proper nap all day, so he was beyond exhausted and grouchy and hurting.

Now I find myself dizzy and off balance. I'm blaming the exhaustion. Today's been a challenging day at work - instead of taking it easy, I've been bombarded with people asking questions and coming over to chat. It's not that I mind, I just need to be able to rest in the corner and lick my wounds.

I need a nap.

Jealousy

Jealousy really is the root of all evil.

I've been having many jealous feelings ever since I've become obsessed with Facebook recently, the social networking site where you can virtually reunite with past coworkers, classmates, and friends.

Ever since I started online dating 4 years ago, I've been into MySpace, but I've found that with Facebook there is a whole new level of people posting. People who I almost never expected to ever hear from again.

You see, my generation, class of 1996 was on the cusp of the internet revolution, which has transformed today's adolescents into fully wired individuals who are more acquainted with text messaging than talking on the actual phone.

All of that is fine with me - for some reason or another, I've always been scared of the telephone!

But besides that, it's been a nice surprise to "see" certain folks again. I can hardly believe it's been so long since the end of high school, and in a weird way, I really don't feel as old as I am.

As I've mentioned before, some people from high school got hit in the face by age HARD -- which is another shock to me, because you know, again, I really don't feel like I'm going into my thirties! I still feel very YOUNG -- a bit wiser and not so rough around the edges as I was at 18, but still ... I feel good.

It's crazy to me to see where everyone is - I'm not saying I expected everyone to FAIL, but it's amazing how many became doctors, lawyers, have their Ph.D.s It seems as if everyone has made some major accomplishments, and then there's me ...just bumbling around.

You know, I never really KNEW what I wanted to do when I finished college. I had a rough idea in my mind that I wanted to work in the entertainment industry and found myself in the radio world. I though it would be cool to work in marketing, and a couple of detours later, I find myself in the same, old entry level position as I had when I was 22.

What's wrong with me? I was never interested in science, or becoming a lawyer. I just never really KNEW ... and I really still don't.

I know I don't want to do THIS forever ... I do know that I want a job with an office (no more cubicles!) and I'd love to work in PR somehow.

I've given myself a year to relax at this current job. That year is almost up and I need to get moving with myself, to go in a new direction, sell myself to another employer and to myself. I need to do it for ME -- because I can.

Oh, the things that people say

Yesterday I took the little guy for a very refreshing trip to a local park called Rocketship Park because of the large metal rocketship right in the middle.

It's been there for ages and is right next to the elementary school my baby daddy went to. It's tucked away in the hills between the city and the ritzy, rich area. I would never have known about it if my baby daddy hadn't taken me there when the baby was just born. A true creature of habit, it was a rare outing, but one that I've kept in the back of my mind for times like this.

You see, the baby is a raring to go these days - he has tons of energy and I can tell he gets bored being confined to our teensy apartment. I don't feel comfortable letting him play outside for several reasons - 1. We live by a trailer park and have dubious neighbors; 2. It's all cement and dead grass outside - not the best for his little hands and knees; 3. The loud neighbors in our apartment are a little scary and I'd just rather not have the baby around them. Mom instincts.

Luckily for the baby, we're near a few really great parks and he really, really enjoyed his time at the one we went to. He slid on slides, swung on the swings, and made friends with a big golden retreiver.

The owner saw me and the first thing she said was, "Oh, you're having a girl!"

Silence.

Yeah.

Me: "Oh, no! I'm still trying to lose the weight from this one! Ha ha!" Good one, because I was dying on the inside. Just when I'm starting to feel good about myself and venture outside without my girdle, for once!

Her: "Oh, you'll lose it! You'll lose it!"

Yeah, I'm starting to really lose it because I'm NOT losing it!

Inconvenient, yes, but also nice...

As inconvenient as it's been to be carless and have to be carted around by my ex and also miss work for a day, it's been very, very, very nice to not have to do my usual 120 mile/day commute and STAY HOME in the evening with my baby those usual two days.

I wish it was always this way.

On a sidenote

I just cannot get over the photos of the Big Men on Campus on Facebook.

I just cannot believe that I am looking at them and going "EW!" and shuddering when I literally spent YEARS obsession over them. YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS of obsession.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Attention and admiration

What I've come to realize today, on my day home from work, isolated from every family member and friend except for the people who know my name at Starbucks, is that the lack of attention and admiration in my life is the source of my misery.

Meaning? Doing this alone with a clueless baby daddy is a huge knock on my self-worth. If anything, he's the one who demands the attention and admiration from his friends, family, and especially his mother.

As for me? I feel left out, neglected and it upsets me in a profound way. I never thought I'd be in this situation and this is just not how it's supposed to be and it really, really bothers me that everyone in my ex's social world supports his treatment of me. His mother is like a 2nd mom to me, yet she will ALWAYS take her son's side in our arguements. His father, a total dodo, continues to financially support him. His stepfather continues to let him live under his roof.

All I want is for someone to lavish me with attention and tell me I'm doing a good job as a mother, which I know I am. I work hard to provide a roof for my son and to take care of ourselves. Even the first day I went back to work, when I was boohooing for the majority of the day, the callousness my ex showed me just shows that he doesn't care for anyone but himself ... selfish.

Instead of my ex being combative toward me and my mother in law telling me "this is what you wanted", maybe it wouldn't hurt them to say, "you know, you're doing such a good job taking care of your child and it is so amazing that you are doing what you are doing."

Oh, my heart hurts.

The thing that bothers me more than ANYTHING, though, is that my ex does not have any kind of RESPECT for me .... I think that's why I sometimes stir the pot with him, to demand it from him.

But, I am realizing you can't demand from someone who doesn't have the mental capacity to understand respect.

Today I made peace with the fact that a relationship is probably no where in my near future, but I know when it does come, it will be better than this.

From Alicia Keys, A Woman's Worth

'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her (when he sees her)
And a real woman knows a real man
Ain't 'fraid to please her (please her)
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first (first)
And a real man just can't deny
A woman's worth

Just frustrated

I got into it today with my ex when I found out my car will be in the shop for yet another day, due to the fact that my ex's stepbrother, who is in the auto part business and is getting my parts to the mechanic, is having a helluva time finding what is needed for my car.

I'm home today - took a sick day because it's Thursday, when my mom usually watches the baby, and I obviously couldn't get to her and no one could give me a ride to work or watch the baby.

When I found out about the extra day, I called my ex, demanded he rent me a car, and called him lame when he refused to because he says he's going to northern california this weekend and needs to rent a car there and apparently he thinks you can't rent two cars at one time.

He later texted me: Sign the divorce papers and then I'll lend you the money for the car payment [sidenote: my parents will give me a check to pay him back, and then I'll be paying them back]

I then texted him: If you didn't know I signed the papers last week, I don't know what your dad is paying your lawyer for. You are a jerk.

The baby is napping and I got to take a refreshing 15 minute nap with him. The texts woke me up and after that I shed a few tears of frustration.

I guess what I really want is the satisfaction of having my ex do the right thing, for once. But you know what? What has to happen is for me to realize that this may never, ever happen. And I really, really, really have to make peace with that.

It isn't right, but it's the way it is, and as much as I want someone on my side to share burdens with, I am realizing that it's strictly up to me to deal with what is ahead of me. And as much as I wish it was easier, this is the way it is and I have to own it.

The bright side to all of this is that I'm saving about $70 in gas for this week. And, it really will be nice to have a new car soon. I'll probably end up getting a Ford Focus, like my mom's, which she didn't pay a downpayment for and pays $285 a month for. Not bad, and even with my upcoming student loan payments, I can afford it.

What a HUGE LETDOWN

The cute guy from high school that I crushed on for 2 years HAS MOOBS!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, age can be so cruel!

Ok, so the BMOC posted more pics of himself on facebook, and it's just not pretty whatsoever. I literally fell out of my chair and walked around with my chin on the ground for an hour just shocked by what I saw.

Is it just that men are predisposed to start looking like hell around age 30? Is this what just happens? With my ex, he certainly looks extremely different from his high school years, when he was tanned, had a six-pack (that he claims he can have back anytime he wants .... sure) and hair.

Oh, the crush is OFFCIALLY over.

More torture ...

My car will be the shop one more day ....

UGH ..............

It's War

This morning, while chatting with my work BFF, as usual, my annoying cubicle mate popped her head up and said, could we do our socializing somewhere else, because she was on a deadline.

Uh....... excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.

After we laughed at her, literally, she left her desk and didn't come back for an hour. Deadline? Or mean girl?

An update: Definitely a mean girl thing - she could have easily put on her headphones. We weren't being that loud.

I hate working in a cubicle.

It's been tortuous...

... having to be driven around by my ex. I hate his stupid songs, stories and most of all, I am totally repulsed by him. Ew.

I can't believe I ever had sex with him.

God works in mysterious ways ....

$600

- The amount my car repairs come out to
- The maximum amount I can make at my side-gig

UGH, yeah, I had to ....

But really didn't want to. Again.

This morning my ex came with me to work so he can take my car into the shop for an estimate. What a horrible car ride and I am so tired of having to deal with him already.

He was trying to make jokes about movies he's seen, places he's been since we've been separated. Yeah, I have so much sympathy for that and yeah, I really want to hear about all the things you've been doing while I've been raising our child on my own. It really makes me happy to hear that. Not only that, he managed to tell me 4 stories I've heard a zillion times and he doesn't remember telling me the zillion times before. Does story repeating run in families? I swear, every single time he tells me the story, he says it like he's telling it for the first time. What is this, some kind of brain synapse misfiring????

Dumbass.

The hardest thing about all of this, having to deal with my ex with my feelings towards him and also having a baby in common with him, is that the baby REALLY loves him -- he literally jumped in his dad's arms this morning, and that's hard because it reminds me that me and my ex are forever linked by this baby. No matter how hard I try or want to be away from him, there are times when I'll just HAVE to be around him and will have to be around him.

So, in this case, the ties just can never be completel severed, and that is a lesson for me in patience. Patience to put up with having to hear the same old stories on repeat for years to come. Patience with putting up with his ridiculous sense of how the way life works. Patience so I don't give myself extra stress while around him.

One of my coworkers is going through a messier divorce than mine - she doesn't have kids, but found out her husband, a chiropractor, was not only cheating on her big time, but also is a crystal meth head. She has a restraining order against him which he keeps violating and, similar to my ex, he's moved in with his parents who don't give him any restrictions in life.

We've had some conversations recently just astounded by this breed of men- is it that we're just enablers, givers and we were so easily fooled by our exes? What made our eyes so blind in the beginning, that we were able to look past warning signs and jumped into our marriages with eyes so blind, yet so full of faith?

The sad thing is that in both of our cases, our intentions were pure. Maybe you can call us naive, but shouldn't there at least be some kind of consolation prize at the end of our marriages?

I guess the greatest consolation is knowing that we're able to get out of our marriages and move on ... with a slightly bitter taste in our mouths. And the silver lining? We didn't let our spirits be trampled on til death do we part. We are stronger women than that.

What's ahead of us, who knows -- but shouldn't we be able to find our happily ever after for once and for all? Or are we doomed to a lifetime of doubt and negative thoughts?

Sacrifice

Today I learned a lesson in sacrifice and also got a taste of what's ahead of me for the next 18 or so years.

I went to pick the baby up from his visitation and stayed around awhile to help celebrate his dad's birthday with a couple of other family members present. It was HARD being around him, because I really can't stand his obnoxiousness, and now that we're officially done, why should I really have to?

The answer - because we have a baby in common, and I can never ever escape that fact. The fact is - the baby is crazy about his dad. The shoulder rides and stupid songs he makes up - the baby loves them.

I won't lie - there were several moments I wanted to bust out of there or say something, but I managed to get through it all.

Anyway, it seems as if my ex is going to give me a ride to work tomorrow and take my car in to be checked, which is really decent of him. I don't really have any other way to do it, and I might as well take advantage of his unemployment. However, I really hope people don't see him taking me to work and think we're back together!

DRAT

Strangely enough, I'm not too worried about just finding out that my car needs a major amount of work done. MAJOR - and I'm so glad I have this side gig, because that's how it's going to get paid for!

Right now, I'm home alone, working on that side gig, while the baby is at his visitation with his dad. It's a blissful time here and I've gotten a lot of stuff done. I have to head out soon to get to the baby and have a burger with them in honor of my ex's birthday.

I thought this time would be distractful for me, but you know what, I'm really liking having this time to myself, because, honestly, I rarely, if ever have that. I'm all kinds of motivated now, too - I want to work on my resume and finish my thesis! What's gotten into me?!

Sometimes I wish I could go out on a grown-up date - to get all gussied up and go salsa dancing or something. It would be nice.

What a thrill!

I swear there is no greater thrill in life than being able to use google and you tube to find a song you remember from years ago and loved and don't even know the name of.

In this case it's Faithless, Insomnia, and I am so excited that I was able to find it after 12 years!

So tired

Since I've been pulling late hours this week with my side gig, it's introduced me to a whole new level of exhaustion. I am really tired - bah!

To top things off, my dear, old car has sprung an oil leak. I just hope the solution is fairly simple! I'll take it in tomorrow, while the baby is at his visitation, which is great, because I hate putting him through stuff like that.

There are so many places I wish I could go on my Sundays, but most of the time I decide to stay local, because, you know, it is just hard to go places with an active one year old on your own. I am hoping to do more things with one of my girlfriends with 6 month old and maybe I should just start DOING those things anyway.

I think its just one of those single mom challenges, especially since my immediate family isn't always available to scoot around town with us.

The baby is such a bundle of energy these days, which is GOOD, but just exhausting! I am loving every little thing he is doing and he is always amazing me with these things he learns how to do and just knows how to do. True to Virgo form, he likes to take a napkin and wipe the floor and tables (hee hee!). And, oh, you should SEE the gap in his front teeth -- OMG, it is just the cutest thing ever! What a little munchkin!

One of the greatest innovations of our time is social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, which totally eliminate the need for any kind of high school reunion. Sometimes it takes people a while to get on there, but eventually they do, and my stalker self is just fascinated by seeing people I haven't seen in ages.

So, the BMOC from my high school finally put up a profile and Facebook and lo and behold, gulp ... he looks just like the guy from my dream. THE dream, I had many months ago, which was possibly the best dream I've had ever.

To recap, in this dream, a tall man with dark hair was ALL in to me ... was just the polar opposite of my ex and my mom loved him.

Could it be???? Nah .... It couldn't possibly. Just a coincidence. That's what it HAS to be.

I'm not the only one

As I'm listening to my annoying cubicle mate who hs put me on whisper, "ooh, smack", "score!", "yes!" to herself, slam her cabinet loudly, speak on the phone in an uplift (i.e., ending every sentence in a questioning tone), spell out her two letter last name ... I am comforted by the fact that it's not just me who is annoyed .... pretty much every one else is. I just have to sit next to her.

I feel like this is karmic retribution from a past life, just like my weight problems. You know, like in a past life I must have had a fabulous corner office and also was as thin as a needle and a fast metabolism. That has to be it. No other explanation for all this.

Helpless

A couple of things have happened that have left me feeling grateful for having what I usually have, which is the assitance of 2 wonderful grandmothers, both very strong women who have made the greatest difference in my life as a mother.

For the next few weeks, they are both out of comission - kind of - which adds a new level of challenge to my life as a single, working mom.

This past Sunday, when my MIL and I were about to meet up with our friend, she wore heeled shoes and carried the 24 lb. baby quite a distance, and that ended up throwing out her back. She's on muscle relaxers and is on a medical leave of absence from work for the next 3 weeks. The consequence of this is primarily that our morning routine has changed dramatically. What she usually does is come over to my apt. before I go to work and take care of the baby while I tie up some loose ends and get ready.

So, now that her back is out, I'm taking the baby over to her house in the morning and it's a little more of a struggle on my end. Also, she's been helping me out by cleaning up around the house when I'm at my mom's, and now that she can't do it, it's something I'll have to start doing.

Besides that, my mom's evening schedule has changed since she's carting my 18 year old sister off to a must-take class at her university 60 miles away every M, W, F evening for the next 6 weeks, which means, a) when I go to her house on Wednesday nights, no one is around to help me unload and take care of the baby while this is happening, and b) on Friday nights I have to get to their house by 6:30 pm or else they'll take him with them (which I do NOT want happening more than anything).

Ultimately, all of these things throw a wrench in my routine. It's nothing tragic, just inconveniences that I have to work around, and maybe they're not bad things to happen. In the case with my MIL and my mom , it means that I have to be more efficient, which is a good thing.

I know I promised I wouldn't complain about my ex anymore, and I won't, but I do have to say that when I went to pick up the baby yesterday and my MIL with her bad back was taking him out of the bath and my ex and his dad were sitting in his room playing computer video games as they had been doing most of the day ... I can't say that I wasn't just a little bit upset over that.

Ok, that's it ... I want to go on and vent, but I'm not going to. Different paths, different paths -- we all have different paths and I have to remember that.

Confession time ....

Radio man is my imaginary friend.

There are times, on and off, when I have conversations in my head directed towards him, explaining my marriage and where I am in my life. I also tell him I wouldn't want to be with him now, because he reminds me too much of my ex and I need a husband and not a second child. Also, I tell him I'm high maintenance.

It is so ridiculous and silly, but I do it.

Confession over.

What a family ...

... of dumbasses, was my thought as I pulled out of my MIL's driveway yesterday. Not my MIL, but referring to my ex and his dad, who is in town for the next 3 weeks from his job in Iraq as a private contractor.

Poor MIL, was my other thought.

My MIL and my FIL are divorced and have been for almost 30 years. In a funny way that life in a small city happens, she is now married to my FIL's former boss in the carpet business and there aren't any hard feelings. So, my FIL is welcome in their house and has friendly conversations with both of them, ex-wife and ex-boss.

My FIL isn't a BAD person, per se, but you can tell that the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. Both my ex and FIL are brilliant in some ways (language, math) but lack certain skills and graces that are necessary for operating as a human being.

This is only the 2nd time my FIL has seen his grandson, the last time being when the baby was 2 months old. FIL came to our apartment with a RAGING cold and spent hours upon hours playing video games on our computer and not really talking to anyone. To my surprise, my ex eventually made him leave so the baby wouldn't get sick, which was a big point in his favor.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him that much and he really has never done ANYTHING for his grandson. NOTHING. He didn't buy him a baby shower gift, didn't buy him anything when he was born, and hasn't really expressed any interest otherwise.

I'm not saying money is everything, or that spending money on the baby is REQUIRED, just that every other family member helped us out so tremendously with getting the baby set up that it was just strange that he didn't bother to do anything whatsoever.

Maybe he thought the money he gave to his son every month would count, but honestly, I never saw any of that money. He even gave his son money to hire a lawyer for our divorce, but for the baby .... nothing.

My dad suggested to me that he set up a college fund for the baby, but I said, dad, he is not on that level of consciousness where that would even occur to him.

It is really such a strange set-up in this family where it is very hard for me to explain how it all works, and I'm finding myself grasping for the right words to use. Ok, here's the situation in a nutshell--

My MIL and FIL started their family young - my MIL got knocked up at 18 (shocking when you know her - I can't even imagine her having premarital sex!) with my FIL, who was her brother's best friend. They got married, had a daughter, and 4 years later had my ex.

It was a stormy marriage, on account of many of the same reasons why my marriage failed. My FIL was verbally and mentally abusive and cheated on my MIL like it was no body's business.

He wasn't a very good father figure at all, and as family lore goes, would take my ex to a strip club at a very young age because he was friends with the owner .... yeah, full functionality right there. He's always let his kids have access to his credit cards and use them what ever way they wanted. He was always good for the cash.

I've never met my sister-in-law -- by all accounts, she has issues similar to my ex, maybe even a little bit worse, so she lives way up near Mt. Shasta with her girlfriend, which is another issue that the family isn't too thrilled about. She doesn't talk anyone except her dad and is mad at the world. I spoke with her briefly when my ex and I broke up the first time, but other than that, the door to friendship is firmly shut.

Years go by, and my FIL scores a high-paying job in Iraq as a contracter, using his skills from the carpentry business. He makes mega-bucks and sends $6000 a month to his daughter, ostensibly to save it for him, but no one really knows, and $1000 a month to my ex, just because.

He's very strange, my FIL, very much like his son, but a touch weirder. My ex has more social skills and can put up a normal front, but the emotional issues are still there.

So, yesterday, my FIL spent some time with my ex and the baby at my MILs house -- apparently he and the baby just loved each other and to be honest, I'm glad for that. That's all the baby really needs to know -- none of the other accompanying drama. Still, I can't help but think ... my step-FIL is more of a grandpa to the baby than this guy.

I've said it before, but despite his annoyances, I have so much respect for my step-FIL because he watches out for me and the baby - makes sure my car is doing ok and all that. My acutal FIL -- I don't think he has it in him to ask how my car is doing - how we're getting along. And I have to be ok with that.

Boy, I thought as I pulled out and saw father and son waving goodbye to me, looking and acting so much alike - I sure hope MY son doesn't turn out that way.

Dumbasses.

Time just runs away from me

This morning, as I was looking at my chipped Essie Limo-scene nail polish, I thought to myself ... how terribly unclassy, how disgusting, how white trash, how Lindsay Lohan, how will I find the time to fix this?

It seems lately, more than ever, my time is being funneled away from me faster than I can blink. It's amazing how slow the day goes by while I'm at work, yet how fast it goes by in the evening, which is when I need to utilize my time the best.

Lately, since I've been on my new eating plan (no dairy, low carb, food separation, no eating afer 6 pm, but diet coke is ok), I've been cutting way back on the amount of cooking I do. I have a few main things I make on Sunday and then cut up and roast veggies during the days I'm home.

Yesterday I was blessed with an opportunity that will give me some extra pocket cash and will have to be done at home after the baby is asleep. I started the assignment last night and gave myself the night off from preparing the veggies and roasting them. I had a surplus from Sunday, plus I was just SPENT .... wiped out from the weekend and still trying to recover.

MY MIL, who watches the baby Mon - Weds threw her back out, and hasn't been able to come to my place in the morning to watch the baby while I get ready. While it hasn't been THAT bad - I even got to work earlier this morning - it is just a little more challenging to get out of the door since the little guy wants to be around me all the time.

In the evenings, I usually get home about 6:30 or 7 pm, since my MIL feeds the baby at her house. After that, it's playtime for me and the baby and he's asleep anytime between 8:30 and 9:30 pm.

After he goes to sleep, I organize, check email for a bit, and sometimes watch a little bit of a dvd, then go to work on the cooking. After all that is done at about 11 pm, I take a shower and go to bed around midnight to 12:30 am.

Since I didn't have the cooking to worry about last night, I got to my assingment and worked on it for about an hour until 12:15 am, when I started hallucinating or awake dreaming. I haven't had those since the baby was first born!

It made me think, if I can do this, why can't I carve out some time for my thesis? I have been pushing it back for ages and need to get some serious writing done. SERIOUS. Maybe because I'm not getting paid for it? Maybe then I need to think eventually I WILL be getting paid for it, so straighten up!!!!

Breaking news ...

My ex waived his right to my 401(k).

Justice!

Kinda over it

I just got off the phone with my ex's lawyer and the good news is, we've pretty much settled everything and signed the stipulations that needed to be signed and the next thing we're waiting for is for a judge to sign off on the divorce. I'm that much closer to reclaiming my maiden name. Yes!

The bad news? It seems my ex is legally entitled to half of what ever I have in my 401(k). Boo. Muy, muy, muy boo.

The lawyer has said he's sympathetic my case and said maybe we can offset that with something else, like in his case, it was his wedding china. I told him, you know, my ex brought 2 red vegetable crates into the marriage. There's really not much you can offset half of my 401(k) with, plus, I bought most of our furnishings. Sure I got rid of a bunch of stuff, but in the long run, I don't thing a $20 table from Ross is much to hoot and holler about.

Just being real, y'all.

The lawyer is asking him to waive that right, and with my luck, he will. That bastard. My ex, I mean.

Meh. Just ... meh.

Back to reality

This was one of those weekends that felt much longer than it really was, for some reason or another. It was jam-packed with activities and I think that's what made it seem like a week, rather than 2 days.

I decided to hold off on the TV stand purchase, mainly because if I did go through with it, it would put a severe squeeze on my finances, and considering the last couple of surpises that popped up lately, it's just not worth it! So, my $30 ikea coffee table will do for now, and the good thing about it is that the baby can't grab the TV when I position it towards the back. At least until his arms grow a little more!

On Saturday I came home from my mom's to find an envelope with cash in it from my mom-in-law and a note that said, the rest will come when ex gets the exact amount, or else the check will be void. What a liar that ex is. Such bullshit.

I freaked out a bit, but that was mostly due to hormones - I got my period last night after waiting 45 days for it ... another sign I gotta dump the chub! Whenever my weight gets over a certain limit, my cycles get all sorts of wonky, and in the long run, that's really not good for my health!

So, after my freakout and putting the baby to bed, I turned on Legally Blonde (I'm chalking up that choice to hormones, too) and set to put together an little side table I'd bought from the Bed Bath and Beyond dorm essentials area.

Now, I've put together a lot of cheap ikea furniture in my time -- a LOT -- but this just took the cake in terms of how cheaply and poorly made it was. It was IMPOSSIBLE! I spent the whole movie trying to put it together, but it just would not STAY toghether no matter what I did and the particle board cracked and chipped in several places. Ew!

I was considering dumping it in the garbage, but images of my next door neighbor dumpster diving for the scraps made me consider returning it, and I did the very next day. I exchanged it for an awesome painting for my bedroom and I am so glad I did it. I'll have to post a photo, because it's really something else. It's totally mass produced, but very unique and very my style. The colors match the rest of the decor in the bedroom, which is beige burnt orange. The living room is kind of red in the decor, but I think I"m going to switch it up to green -- my favorite color, of course.

Anyway, Sunday ended up being a whirlwind - a complete and utter whirlwind, where all my mommy strength was required.

I felt bad for taking the little guy around with me, but I HAD to get all kinds of stuff done. first the return at Bed Bath and Beyond, and amusing the baby with a Sesame Street postcard. He did really well.

Then, an oil change and transmission flush - I kept him in the stroller, walked him around and fed him crackers, and he did really well. On a side note, I cannot believe my "little station wagon that could" is about to hit 150,000 miles and 8 years! My goodness! That's a lot of driving!

He took a nap afterward, and I drove him to my little nook in Palos Verdes so I could get recharged, Starbucks venti unsweetened iced green tea in hand. After he woke up, we went to target to pick out some home essentials and frames that my next door neighbor picked up for me with her 10% employee discount.

After that, we went to the mall to meet my mom-in-law and a friend for lunch and that's where the trouble started. I went back and forth from my car to the bathroom a couple of times, thinking I'd lost my phone. Not to mention, I am having the heaviest cycle (sorry for the tmi) I've had in a long time, so I have my own problems to think of. The little guy was EXHAUSTED, so began 2 hours of extreme cranky, ending with him bawling his eyes out while I carried him from one end of the mall to the car.

I felt SOOOOO bad for him ... poor baby! He fell asleep right as I put him in the carseat, and I was OH SO GRATEFUL for the assistance of my friend, because I really needed another person to help out. She pushed the cart while I followed the baby around. He wanted to walk so I let him do so bare foot (bad, bad, bad!) and then hurried him to Baby Gap where I bought a pair of loafers on sale that my friend had bought her son earlier.

Needless to say, as soon as we got home after another coastal drive, the baby was much happier and I just dumped him into the tub. Not literally, but he was so messy. Snips and snails and puppy dog tails, that's what little boys ARE made of!

Ha ha ... I guess this is just a TASTE of what's to come ....

Part-time mom ...

The last few days during work I've been missing my little son something awful. More than the usual.

Maybe it's because he's just super cute these days, but I'm really feeling like I'm just missing out on his life. Like I'm a part-time mom.

On Thursdays and Fridays I drive to my mom's an hour away and I try to get all my grocery shopping and errands done on those days so I can spare my son the agony of accompanying me. Seriously, babies in shopping carts is just bad news. Maybe just my baby, but he always ends up hanging halfway over the side and it's not a pretty sight.

Last night I had a couple more stops then usual, then when I was at home I had to spend a while redistributing the meat I'd bought at costco into resealable freezer bags and then wiping down the counters (Salmonella is bad), and by the time I was done and got on the freeway, I got to my parent's house about 45 minutes later than usual.

That's 45 minutes of quality time. Not to mention I have to wake up at 5:30 am to get on the road.

Not to complain or look for pity or anything like that, because this is just the way it is. It sucks. I wish so much it could be different, but right now, there really is no other way. Part of me wants to yell and complain and scream and point fingers, but you know what ... no point to that. None. Because it won't change the fact that I am where I am right now.

In the long room, this time my son spends with his grandparents is good for him, good for his social interactions and I am so glad I have his grandparents to watch him. He could be in a daycare, and not only would that be pricey, the standards of care could be dicey.

I think what I mean to say in all of this is that I wish so much my ex would have been a better partner to me. I wish I had a supportive partner more than anything - someone who was on my team. I keep saying this over and over and over, but it won't change anything.

Even though I know things can't be what they're not, I guess I just have to rail about it every now and then from keeping the pressure from building up, and to remind myself that I have to accept this place in my life as being what it is. Just gotta do it.

Not ready yet

I feel with my heart and head that I am not in the place where I'm ready for a new relationship, or even a fling. First of all, I'm a relationship-person and I don't think I can handle being on the meat-market -- too much judgement.

Secondly, and most tellingly, when I was taking the baby on our walk last Sunday, I passed a young and attractive man coming out of his home to pick up the paper, and my mind flashed to me being in another relationship. My first thought? Ugh, I can't deal with that shit!

So, I know it's not for now, but in the future I know what I'm looking for, and that's someone who wants a family and a partner.