Well, I think a good thing happened last week. My 3rd wedding anniversary came and went and I didn't even realize it! It actually happened on one of those days that I got ticketed for doing a rolling stop.
Maybe that was the higher purpose of the tickets -- to distract me? But, honestly, I hadn't had my wedding anniversary on my mind at all. In the weeks preceeding, I had thought about it, but when it came down to the actual day, it was non-existent.
That's a huge leap of progress!
The day we went to get our marriage licence, we had to go to a library in a small city about 30 miles from Big Bear, where we got married. The library had an an ad hoc wedding chapel and that day a couple was getting married in the garden. It was so strange to see the person who officiated the wedding very seriously put on a robe, marry the couple, and then take off her robe and go right back to work.
The couple that was getting married were VERY young ... probably a shot-gun wedding. The girl must have been 18, but was teensy tiny and was wearing a cast-off dress that was too big for her. Not wedding-y at all, just someone's fancy white dress. The groom was wearing a button-shirt, slacks and a tied. When the marriage was done ... it only took a couple of minutes ... they kissed and a few relatives cried. The crowd was surprisingly casual and I got the feeling like they would take the party back to a family-member's home.
I wonder what they're doing now, three years later. Are they still together? Do they have kids? Are they as innocent as they were back then, or has life happened to them and hardened them a bit?
My wedding was memorable for how quickly and amateurly I put it together. It was before I realized what the modern wedding industry is like, and not what I really wanted. I wore BLACK for goodness sake!
Laura Ingalls Wilder got married in black, too - her mom said, "get married in black, and wish it back", and how true that is! Obviously, Laura's marriage had more longevity than mine, but the sentiment was true in my case.
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place, but I was in such a rush and had such a need to be married that I did it anyway I could. Only a couple of people were invited and we did it on the cheap. Oh, and I paid for all of it.
The only traditional thing I did was have a massive white bouquet. It was gorgeous and the only bride-y thing I had. Our rings were fake - his cost $11, mine was $14 and low-quality cubic zirconia.
To the friend who drove the fishing boat we rented - THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being a true friend through the years. Your valor is implicit and I will always cherish your friendship.
A girlfriend of mine got married a year later, when I was separated for the first time, and it was then that I got a taste of modern weddings. I hadn't been to too many before. My eyes were opened and I realized ... man, I do want all of this. I want the man who is so into me that he moves heaven and earth to have a marriage with me. I want the celebration. I want my family involved. I want to do it right.
And I still do. Eventually, I know I'll get my chance.
In Persian tradition, the newleyweds sit under a sheet while female relatives rub sugar over their heads to make the marriage sweeter.
What the sages say is right -- it's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage. But, you know, to have a beautiful wedding to celebrate the union makes the beginning all that much sweeter.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
It's appendicitis
My dad should be ok, he had surgery to take out his appendicitis, and so far so good. My mom wasn't at the hospital and stayed with us. I volunteered to stay home today, but my dad requested everything go on as normal.
It's a bit strange ... the former surgeon getting surgery, his first ever. When we were growing up, all I heard from my dad was to slow down, or else we'd get appendicitis, and now he had it and he operates at slow speed all the time!
My mom is very strong, and she has my sisters, who can take care of themselves and the baby should he be there without my mom's presence.
It's a bit of perspective - nothing else matters when it comes down to your loved ones health. Sure, my dad and I don't really get along, but he's my dad and I cannot even begin to imagine not having him around.
It's a bit strange ... the former surgeon getting surgery, his first ever. When we were growing up, all I heard from my dad was to slow down, or else we'd get appendicitis, and now he had it and he operates at slow speed all the time!
My mom is very strong, and she has my sisters, who can take care of themselves and the baby should he be there without my mom's presence.
It's a bit of perspective - nothing else matters when it comes down to your loved ones health. Sure, my dad and I don't really get along, but he's my dad and I cannot even begin to imagine not having him around.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Greetings from traffic violation land....
So, it's the end of the month and the local police need to make their quota, and long story short, that's how I ended up with 2 traffic violations 2 days in a row.
They must need to beef up their Starbucks fund.
Anyway, I've figured out some ways around this, namely to get an extention on the court dates, which will decrease the likelyhood of the officer being around, and hope and pray for LENIENCY! Please send good thoughts my way!
Well, there is sad news in my family right now. As I am typing, my dad is in the emergency room. He had a root canal on Tuesday and woke up last night with major abdominal pains. It's strange not knowing exactly what's going on and it could be a zillion things. My mom is holding up well, as is par for the course with her, and you just never know.
They must need to beef up their Starbucks fund.
Anyway, I've figured out some ways around this, namely to get an extention on the court dates, which will decrease the likelyhood of the officer being around, and hope and pray for LENIENCY! Please send good thoughts my way!
Well, there is sad news in my family right now. As I am typing, my dad is in the emergency room. He had a root canal on Tuesday and woke up last night with major abdominal pains. It's strange not knowing exactly what's going on and it could be a zillion things. My mom is holding up well, as is par for the course with her, and you just never know.
Deep thoughts ...
I've been pulling double duty at work lately, keeping really busy and coming to some realizations about my job and my future aspirations.
Talking about jobs, I got a blast from the past on myspace the other day and received a message from an old coworker from the Beverly Hills frou frou department store. This is the job that deserves a post in its own, but in a nutshell, I was working for crazies, dealing with crazies, and in the end, I left on somewhat of my own accord to avoid becoming a crazy.
On my second to last day, I was asked to leave, but that's because I refused to accept a complaint for several reasons - I mean, who sits an employee down to discuss a bogus complaint when it's their second to last day??? I guess sometimes people just want to break you down whenever they can.
The cosmetics industry is a strange one - it's a lot of kissing up and can be very high school. I tried so, so, so hard to get in the good side of management, but what I learned that it's really not about your ability at all - it's about how likable you are to management. Again, very high school.
I learned that another ex-coworker got promoted to a VERY prestigious position in the company at a very prestigious store. This is someone who a) wasn't the best makeup artist, and b) didn't have the greatest sales or management experience. However, he was very well liked by the bosses and was recruited for the job in the first place when someone higher up saw him at a previous retail job.
The lesson there is that you just can't break your neck to be liked -- either it happens, or it doesn't. Hopefully, it does happen at some point in your working career.
Thinking about the world, we are very lucky to live in a society where we CAN make the choice about where and how we want to work.
With that said, I'm in the process of writing out what exactly it is I WANT from a job. I did this before when I was looking for my current one, and this one fit, with a couple of exceptions. I overlooked those, and that's possibly why I'm in my current predicament.
So, that list will be coming soon. In the meanwhile, I'm opening my arms to possibility. Everything I want IS out there.
Talking about jobs, I got a blast from the past on myspace the other day and received a message from an old coworker from the Beverly Hills frou frou department store. This is the job that deserves a post in its own, but in a nutshell, I was working for crazies, dealing with crazies, and in the end, I left on somewhat of my own accord to avoid becoming a crazy.
On my second to last day, I was asked to leave, but that's because I refused to accept a complaint for several reasons - I mean, who sits an employee down to discuss a bogus complaint when it's their second to last day??? I guess sometimes people just want to break you down whenever they can.
The cosmetics industry is a strange one - it's a lot of kissing up and can be very high school. I tried so, so, so hard to get in the good side of management, but what I learned that it's really not about your ability at all - it's about how likable you are to management. Again, very high school.
I learned that another ex-coworker got promoted to a VERY prestigious position in the company at a very prestigious store. This is someone who a) wasn't the best makeup artist, and b) didn't have the greatest sales or management experience. However, he was very well liked by the bosses and was recruited for the job in the first place when someone higher up saw him at a previous retail job.
The lesson there is that you just can't break your neck to be liked -- either it happens, or it doesn't. Hopefully, it does happen at some point in your working career.
Thinking about the world, we are very lucky to live in a society where we CAN make the choice about where and how we want to work.
With that said, I'm in the process of writing out what exactly it is I WANT from a job. I did this before when I was looking for my current one, and this one fit, with a couple of exceptions. I overlooked those, and that's possibly why I'm in my current predicament.
So, that list will be coming soon. In the meanwhile, I'm opening my arms to possibility. Everything I want IS out there.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Yeah, well...
For some odd reason, I woke up about an hour earlier than usual, and for a second, lying there in bed, I felt all my old anxiety come flooding back. It left not soon after its arrival, so I don't feel like it's anything permanent.
However, I definitely do think my med levels need to be bumped up a bit ... I am in control of it, but I can feel hints of anxiety here and there. In general, I still feel very good and there is light, not darkness in my life. There is light! Yay!
My friend at work overheard my boss telling someone that I've had a turnaround. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. In general, I hate being judged and hate to think about any criticism people say about me behind my back.
As a scorpio, I thrive on fairness -- I need things to be FAIR, which is why I look down on cheaters, etc. I just don't think it's fair for people to be so judgmental about others, especially when they're no angels either! I mean, I can say PLENTY of mean things about the people at work who go around capping on other people. Plenty!
I work with a bunch of mean girls and gossipers, and there's always that possibility they're talking about you behind your back, which is a sick, sick feeling! Yeah, sure, it could be mostly paranoia, but I could swear I saw two of the ringleaders giving each other "that look" as I sat down, but whatever!
What I've realized is that I work with a lot of STRONG personalities, and although I also have a very strong personality, there isn't any room for me in there. No major insight, but I do realize that I have to be very specific in my searches.
When I was looking for this current job, I made a list of what I wanted, and this one fit the bill but was missing a few vital components. Next time I have to be very specific!
You know, as soon as I gave up needing to prepare and eat all kinds of crazy stuff during the week - like parsley, turnips, and tofu - my evenings at my apartment are going so much better! I was on a kick where I bought and washed and chopped and baked all kinds of stuff, taking up a lot of my evening. Turns out I don't need to eat THAT much, and now I have a lot more time to myself after the baby is asleep.
My downfall in the kitchen is that I tend to be a meal repeater - I make the same stuff all the time, and I know that is something I need to work on. I do it mainly because it's easier for me, but then again, I need to get ready for the time when my little son is ready to start eating regular food along with me. Plus, I don't want him to be the kid whose mom makes grody lunches.
When my sisters were growing up, being so much older than them I made their lunches for school. My mom, bless her heart, didn't have the best choices for lunch material. This is a woman who has been as obsessed with FOOD as I've been with makeup. I mean, growing up, she had a binder filled with pages of diet plans she pulled from the National Enquirer and all those other type of gossipy magazines.
So, growing up, there was lots of wheat bread, lots of fat free stuff, and the infamous fake mayo -- infamous, because there is a picture that exists of me digging into a jar of Weight Watchers mayo when I was 4, which is terrible for so many reasons, namely that a 4 year old shouldn't be digging into a jar of mayo, and for it to be WEIGHT WATCHERS mayo, my GOD!
Anyways, taking from what we had around the house, the lunches I made for my sisters usually comprised of whole wheat bread, a slice of baloney, and mustard -- and they HATED it. I feel so bad and even though I'm laughing as I'm typing this, it was really bad!
As a result, I'm determined to be a better lunch maker for my son. Nothing but the best for my baby! I saw a little device called a laptop lunch, which is a container that holds spaces for all kinds of little things.
It will be fun! Hopefully, between now and school time I will be able to take some kind of cooking class to get my skils up to par. Just so long as he doesn't get called baloney boy at school!
However, I definitely do think my med levels need to be bumped up a bit ... I am in control of it, but I can feel hints of anxiety here and there. In general, I still feel very good and there is light, not darkness in my life. There is light! Yay!
My friend at work overheard my boss telling someone that I've had a turnaround. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. In general, I hate being judged and hate to think about any criticism people say about me behind my back.
As a scorpio, I thrive on fairness -- I need things to be FAIR, which is why I look down on cheaters, etc. I just don't think it's fair for people to be so judgmental about others, especially when they're no angels either! I mean, I can say PLENTY of mean things about the people at work who go around capping on other people. Plenty!
I work with a bunch of mean girls and gossipers, and there's always that possibility they're talking about you behind your back, which is a sick, sick feeling! Yeah, sure, it could be mostly paranoia, but I could swear I saw two of the ringleaders giving each other "that look" as I sat down, but whatever!
What I've realized is that I work with a lot of STRONG personalities, and although I also have a very strong personality, there isn't any room for me in there. No major insight, but I do realize that I have to be very specific in my searches.
When I was looking for this current job, I made a list of what I wanted, and this one fit the bill but was missing a few vital components. Next time I have to be very specific!
You know, as soon as I gave up needing to prepare and eat all kinds of crazy stuff during the week - like parsley, turnips, and tofu - my evenings at my apartment are going so much better! I was on a kick where I bought and washed and chopped and baked all kinds of stuff, taking up a lot of my evening. Turns out I don't need to eat THAT much, and now I have a lot more time to myself after the baby is asleep.
My downfall in the kitchen is that I tend to be a meal repeater - I make the same stuff all the time, and I know that is something I need to work on. I do it mainly because it's easier for me, but then again, I need to get ready for the time when my little son is ready to start eating regular food along with me. Plus, I don't want him to be the kid whose mom makes grody lunches.
When my sisters were growing up, being so much older than them I made their lunches for school. My mom, bless her heart, didn't have the best choices for lunch material. This is a woman who has been as obsessed with FOOD as I've been with makeup. I mean, growing up, she had a binder filled with pages of diet plans she pulled from the National Enquirer and all those other type of gossipy magazines.
So, growing up, there was lots of wheat bread, lots of fat free stuff, and the infamous fake mayo -- infamous, because there is a picture that exists of me digging into a jar of Weight Watchers mayo when I was 4, which is terrible for so many reasons, namely that a 4 year old shouldn't be digging into a jar of mayo, and for it to be WEIGHT WATCHERS mayo, my GOD!
Anyways, taking from what we had around the house, the lunches I made for my sisters usually comprised of whole wheat bread, a slice of baloney, and mustard -- and they HATED it. I feel so bad and even though I'm laughing as I'm typing this, it was really bad!
As a result, I'm determined to be a better lunch maker for my son. Nothing but the best for my baby! I saw a little device called a laptop lunch, which is a container that holds spaces for all kinds of little things.
It will be fun! Hopefully, between now and school time I will be able to take some kind of cooking class to get my skils up to par. Just so long as he doesn't get called baloney boy at school!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
One turning point in my life was the time a friend and then-coworker handed me a copy of The Celestine Prophecy. I was 21, just starting my independent life, and full of questions and confusions.
It was a seminal moment because the book opened my eyes in ways I had been seeking for many years, and I'm always grateful too it and have a copy with me.
When my ex left me the first time, I took advantage of the money he'd left me in our joint account and bought an ipod on him. That was a GLORIOUS feeling, but it also allowed me to really start enjoying my gym visits instead of going there with no kind of music playing device, as I'd been doing (can you imagine??).
I did a lot of reflection, a lot of crying (If I write a book, it would be called "No One Can Tell You're Crying When You're Sweating), and revisited The Celestine Prophecy.
oh, a quick sidenote - I met the author when I was working at one of the radio stations.
Anyway, now, as I am older, wiser, and fairly evened out with the help of the meds, and coming upon my 3rd wedding anniversary (6/25), I can see the end of my marriage a lot more clearly. I can see the power struggles, understand the dramas that were involved. It's a good vantage point to be at.
I know I should be working on my resume, but it's freaking hot here and I'm pooped from the return from my mom's house. Oh, I seriously cannot spend too many days there, because my family, although I love them, is full of crazy idisyncrasies and it can be draining to see my dad wash his gloved hands for the 3rd time in 30 minutes. Just draining!
My mom in law and her husband dropped by to drop of a fan, and right before he started story repeating, he proceeded to order the both of us around and direct me where and how to arrange my furniture.
Uh, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. You know, as many faults as my parents have, they really did manage to raise polite children and they themselves are exceedingly polite. There is absolutely no going to other peoples homes and ordering them to do this or that. I do like my father in law, but his behavior, magnified by the grumpiness-enduced heat, is way too much sometimes.
My mother in law invited us over tomorrow to enjoy their breeze, but I faked an excuse, because the last thing I want to do on my weekend is be around grumpy grandpa ... I made that mistake before and it just wears on you big time.
One thing I can see from my new perspective is that people want to dump their shit on you all the time ... people carry around a lot of negativity and sometimes, if you seem like you're too happy go lucky, they don't want any part of it and want to make you doubt your contentedness.
Not worth it!
I feel BAD for my mother in law, but she seems to handle it fairly well - her husband's grumpiness and all.
This morning I was over hearing my dad story repeating to my mom about how my son needs a male role model. Well, this is true, but I don't ever expect my ex to ever be a suitable one. For one, he is just as grumpy and demanding as his step-father and his own father is the same way.
One thing I know for sure is that I don't want my son to be raised with the expectation that your wife should be your servant and you can order her and all other women in your life around. No way, Jose! Not gonna happen!
While I've been looking at those photography blogs and talking with my cubicle mate at work who also comes from an immigrant family, I realize that I need a man who is from an immigrant family, as Americanized as I am, but still retains a large amount of cultural pride and respect. Nothing wrong with a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t, ain't that right, Aretha?
It was a seminal moment because the book opened my eyes in ways I had been seeking for many years, and I'm always grateful too it and have a copy with me.
When my ex left me the first time, I took advantage of the money he'd left me in our joint account and bought an ipod on him. That was a GLORIOUS feeling, but it also allowed me to really start enjoying my gym visits instead of going there with no kind of music playing device, as I'd been doing (can you imagine??).
I did a lot of reflection, a lot of crying (If I write a book, it would be called "No One Can Tell You're Crying When You're Sweating), and revisited The Celestine Prophecy.
oh, a quick sidenote - I met the author when I was working at one of the radio stations.
Anyway, now, as I am older, wiser, and fairly evened out with the help of the meds, and coming upon my 3rd wedding anniversary (6/25), I can see the end of my marriage a lot more clearly. I can see the power struggles, understand the dramas that were involved. It's a good vantage point to be at.
I know I should be working on my resume, but it's freaking hot here and I'm pooped from the return from my mom's house. Oh, I seriously cannot spend too many days there, because my family, although I love them, is full of crazy idisyncrasies and it can be draining to see my dad wash his gloved hands for the 3rd time in 30 minutes. Just draining!
My mom in law and her husband dropped by to drop of a fan, and right before he started story repeating, he proceeded to order the both of us around and direct me where and how to arrange my furniture.
Uh, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. You know, as many faults as my parents have, they really did manage to raise polite children and they themselves are exceedingly polite. There is absolutely no going to other peoples homes and ordering them to do this or that. I do like my father in law, but his behavior, magnified by the grumpiness-enduced heat, is way too much sometimes.
My mother in law invited us over tomorrow to enjoy their breeze, but I faked an excuse, because the last thing I want to do on my weekend is be around grumpy grandpa ... I made that mistake before and it just wears on you big time.
One thing I can see from my new perspective is that people want to dump their shit on you all the time ... people carry around a lot of negativity and sometimes, if you seem like you're too happy go lucky, they don't want any part of it and want to make you doubt your contentedness.
Not worth it!
I feel BAD for my mother in law, but she seems to handle it fairly well - her husband's grumpiness and all.
This morning I was over hearing my dad story repeating to my mom about how my son needs a male role model. Well, this is true, but I don't ever expect my ex to ever be a suitable one. For one, he is just as grumpy and demanding as his step-father and his own father is the same way.
One thing I know for sure is that I don't want my son to be raised with the expectation that your wife should be your servant and you can order her and all other women in your life around. No way, Jose! Not gonna happen!
While I've been looking at those photography blogs and talking with my cubicle mate at work who also comes from an immigrant family, I realize that I need a man who is from an immigrant family, as Americanized as I am, but still retains a large amount of cultural pride and respect. Nothing wrong with a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t, ain't that right, Aretha?
Story repeaters ...
One of the hallmarks of aging is the inability to keep track of what story you've told to whom and how many times you've told it ... story repeating.
I'm surrounded by story repeaters.
You see, the majority of my social circle is comprised of middle-aged and older individuals - mom, dad, in laws, great-grandparents. In the case of my parents, it's odd to realize that they're definitely not as young as they used to be - way out of spring chicken-ville.
So, although it drives me batty (even under medication), I still politely nod my head in agreement when I've heard the story about how terrible my mom's brothers are for the 10th time in a week, or the complete details of my ex's cousin's relationships for the 3rd time in a period of 4 hours.
It is those situations that make the argument that we're all just robots even more compelling. It's just a matter of time before our programming goes haywire!
I'm surrounded by story repeaters.
You see, the majority of my social circle is comprised of middle-aged and older individuals - mom, dad, in laws, great-grandparents. In the case of my parents, it's odd to realize that they're definitely not as young as they used to be - way out of spring chicken-ville.
So, although it drives me batty (even under medication), I still politely nod my head in agreement when I've heard the story about how terrible my mom's brothers are for the 10th time in a week, or the complete details of my ex's cousin's relationships for the 3rd time in a period of 4 hours.
It is those situations that make the argument that we're all just robots even more compelling. It's just a matter of time before our programming goes haywire!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Anxiety, again
Not sure why, but I'm feeling a bit of anxiety again. Is my medicine failing me? I think it's a matter of the power of suggestion - my mom mentioned the other day that if I needed it, my doctor could give me a higher dose.
Maybe it's hormones -- my period is way overdue, as tends to happen when I'm not at my ideal weigh, but I'm experiencing all the pre-period things that happen. AND, I'm up 3 pounds from yesterday, apparently (bullshit).
Maybe it's just that I'm tired? I haven't been getting much sleep the last 3 nights because of my commute situation.
I don't know, but I'm calling my doctor right now.
Maybe it's hormones -- my period is way overdue, as tends to happen when I'm not at my ideal weigh, but I'm experiencing all the pre-period things that happen. AND, I'm up 3 pounds from yesterday, apparently (bullshit).
Maybe it's just that I'm tired? I haven't been getting much sleep the last 3 nights because of my commute situation.
I don't know, but I'm calling my doctor right now.
Sometimes I wonder ...
How my life would have been different had I been married to a more supportive man, rather than one who constantly tried to change me, and when that didn't work, constantly told me I was "simple". Would I be more successful at this point?
I love my little boy
Things that make me happy and I love:
1. My son ... he is such a sonshine -- I just love being around him and seeing him do funny things, like dance, laugh his little but off, and lick every page of his Pat the Bunny book.
2. Photography blogs - I don't know what I love the most about looking at photos from weddings, engagments, family sessions. Maybe I'm just a curious george about other people's lives at heart, but I just love fine, quality photography. The colors, the clairity, the crispness -- that all appeals to my artistic side, but I also love thinking about the fantasy - the perfect, happy couple/family captured on print.
I have to say, I am so amazed by the quality of photography in the digital age. When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's none of this was around and now it seems you yourself, the average Joe Schmoe, can look like you're in an advertisement!
3. Penzey's Lemon Pepper seasoning - Penzey's is a Wisconsin-based seasoning shop that opened in my area last year. Their spices are truly amazing - the quality is superb and the prices are very reasonable. They've made me a more adventurous cook. I am absolutely HOOKED on their lemon pepper, which is the seasoning of my DREAMS. It is just so LEMONY and tart and just makes everything taste better. I enjoy nothing more than making a vinegarette of grapeseed oil and lemon pepper and having it on vegetables or salad, or by itself (guilty and BAD confession).
In work news, I've figured out a few things, namely that with a small company comes bad management.
One of my work and real-life friends is being put through the wringer about her career since coming back from maternity leave. She is in sales, so there's a different level of work expectation than for me, but still, I think it is grossly unfair and unethical to make someone upset on a regular basis because they're a new mother and are in the process of figuring out how to balance work and home.
It makes me sad ... is it just this company, or is it a reflection of our larger society? Is it just this one control-freak person, or are there a lot more people in this world terrorizing new moms?
On another note, my commute from my mom's house was extended by one day since my mom-in-law wasn't able to watch the baby on Wednesay. Yawn! It's taken a toll on me, since I end up sleeping later than usual and have to wake up an hour earlier than usual. I definitely know that I can't move back because there's no way my body could handle that schedule.
I used to keep that crazy schedule back in my early 20's when I went to university and commuted 30 miles and then when I lived at home and did the commute to San Francisco. It wasn't as bad back then since: a) I was much younger; b) I didn't have a baby or a home of my own to take care of; c) I slept a significant portion of the way back and forth - ah, the wonders of Northern California's public transportation.
So, when people say to me - why don't you move in with your parents and solve all of your problems? Well, the solution isn't that simple. First, there's the commute, assuming I stay at this job - holy hell, it's 3 hours plus out of my day that I don't get with my son and also it's insane to be in a car that much 5 days a week. Secondly, they drive me crazy after a while. And, last of all, I love having a home of my own that much.
Yes, it is a tradeoff, but it's worth it to me. I feel like I should be acheiving for a higher salary to make up for the cost to me.
I wonder when I'll get to the point in my life when work isn't so much like being a hamster on a spinning wheel. It feels sometimes like I'm running and running and running and getting nowhere. Well, that's not really true - I've come a long, long way, especially lately. But, the thought is that I wonder when the day will come when I have more disposable income and more flexibility with my life. As it is, spare cash is limited and it seems as if there's always SOMETHING happening that requires whatever I have.
In November, I have to start paying $300 plus for my student loans, and I think the time for me to buy a new car is upon me.
You know, that's what I thought was going to happen when I got married - that it would be EASIER for me to do things, not harder. I really and honestly thought that we would be a team - it's sad to say that is not what happened at all, but I did think my life would be different at this point. I thought all my early-20's struggles would be over.
There is a solution, and that is to make a move with my career. It's not a matter of, oh, I'll do it when the time comes, it's a matter of NOW and having to do this for myself and my son.
Yeah, I'm a bit scared, I really am. I'm afraid of being around new people and what if I fail miserably? But, the reality is that in life, everyone has to take risks.
1. My son ... he is such a sonshine -- I just love being around him and seeing him do funny things, like dance, laugh his little but off, and lick every page of his Pat the Bunny book.
2. Photography blogs - I don't know what I love the most about looking at photos from weddings, engagments, family sessions. Maybe I'm just a curious george about other people's lives at heart, but I just love fine, quality photography. The colors, the clairity, the crispness -- that all appeals to my artistic side, but I also love thinking about the fantasy - the perfect, happy couple/family captured on print.
I have to say, I am so amazed by the quality of photography in the digital age. When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's none of this was around and now it seems you yourself, the average Joe Schmoe, can look like you're in an advertisement!
3. Penzey's Lemon Pepper seasoning - Penzey's is a Wisconsin-based seasoning shop that opened in my area last year. Their spices are truly amazing - the quality is superb and the prices are very reasonable. They've made me a more adventurous cook. I am absolutely HOOKED on their lemon pepper, which is the seasoning of my DREAMS. It is just so LEMONY and tart and just makes everything taste better. I enjoy nothing more than making a vinegarette of grapeseed oil and lemon pepper and having it on vegetables or salad, or by itself (guilty and BAD confession).
In work news, I've figured out a few things, namely that with a small company comes bad management.
One of my work and real-life friends is being put through the wringer about her career since coming back from maternity leave. She is in sales, so there's a different level of work expectation than for me, but still, I think it is grossly unfair and unethical to make someone upset on a regular basis because they're a new mother and are in the process of figuring out how to balance work and home.
It makes me sad ... is it just this company, or is it a reflection of our larger society? Is it just this one control-freak person, or are there a lot more people in this world terrorizing new moms?
On another note, my commute from my mom's house was extended by one day since my mom-in-law wasn't able to watch the baby on Wednesay. Yawn! It's taken a toll on me, since I end up sleeping later than usual and have to wake up an hour earlier than usual. I definitely know that I can't move back because there's no way my body could handle that schedule.
I used to keep that crazy schedule back in my early 20's when I went to university and commuted 30 miles and then when I lived at home and did the commute to San Francisco. It wasn't as bad back then since: a) I was much younger; b) I didn't have a baby or a home of my own to take care of; c) I slept a significant portion of the way back and forth - ah, the wonders of Northern California's public transportation.
So, when people say to me - why don't you move in with your parents and solve all of your problems? Well, the solution isn't that simple. First, there's the commute, assuming I stay at this job - holy hell, it's 3 hours plus out of my day that I don't get with my son and also it's insane to be in a car that much 5 days a week. Secondly, they drive me crazy after a while. And, last of all, I love having a home of my own that much.
Yes, it is a tradeoff, but it's worth it to me. I feel like I should be acheiving for a higher salary to make up for the cost to me.
I wonder when I'll get to the point in my life when work isn't so much like being a hamster on a spinning wheel. It feels sometimes like I'm running and running and running and getting nowhere. Well, that's not really true - I've come a long, long way, especially lately. But, the thought is that I wonder when the day will come when I have more disposable income and more flexibility with my life. As it is, spare cash is limited and it seems as if there's always SOMETHING happening that requires whatever I have.
In November, I have to start paying $300 plus for my student loans, and I think the time for me to buy a new car is upon me.
You know, that's what I thought was going to happen when I got married - that it would be EASIER for me to do things, not harder. I really and honestly thought that we would be a team - it's sad to say that is not what happened at all, but I did think my life would be different at this point. I thought all my early-20's struggles would be over.
There is a solution, and that is to make a move with my career. It's not a matter of, oh, I'll do it when the time comes, it's a matter of NOW and having to do this for myself and my son.
Yeah, I'm a bit scared, I really am. I'm afraid of being around new people and what if I fail miserably? But, the reality is that in life, everyone has to take risks.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Grumplestiltskins abound!
Today it seems like almost everyone at work is grumpy, mad, sad, or bothered. Everyone has something to complain about, and as the unofficial work psychologist, I'm seeing a lot of long faces today.
Maybe it's the heat? I don't know, but it's starting to affect me, too, and I am trying so hard to stay out of that grey space! I can understand why it's easy for people in the mental health profession to burn out, now.
One thing I envy about the lives of celebrities is that they're always, seemingly, on luxurious vacations, spending weeks at a time lounging in the sun, while remaining thin and wrinkle free (Jennifer Aniston, I'm talking about you). Ah, wouldn't that be nice?
On the forum that I'm a regular poster at, the topic of fantasy jobs came up. There are so many things I'd like to do - singer, painter, photographer, stay at home mom, but the biggest fantasy of all is that I'm wealthy and not beholded to a salary or a boss.
Wouldn't it be nice?
One of my coworkers and fellow new-mom is sad because her boss terrorizes her and does nothing to make her life easy. She works hard, is successful, and yet gets told to her face that she is annoying. Ugh. Pitfalls of a small company. The reality of the situations here is overshadowed by popularity.
Maybe it's the heat? I don't know, but it's starting to affect me, too, and I am trying so hard to stay out of that grey space! I can understand why it's easy for people in the mental health profession to burn out, now.
One thing I envy about the lives of celebrities is that they're always, seemingly, on luxurious vacations, spending weeks at a time lounging in the sun, while remaining thin and wrinkle free (Jennifer Aniston, I'm talking about you). Ah, wouldn't that be nice?
On the forum that I'm a regular poster at, the topic of fantasy jobs came up. There are so many things I'd like to do - singer, painter, photographer, stay at home mom, but the biggest fantasy of all is that I'm wealthy and not beholded to a salary or a boss.
Wouldn't it be nice?
One of my coworkers and fellow new-mom is sad because her boss terrorizes her and does nothing to make her life easy. She works hard, is successful, and yet gets told to her face that she is annoying. Ugh. Pitfalls of a small company. The reality of the situations here is overshadowed by popularity.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
People are … bad
I tend to get impatient when in line to check out at a supermarket and the people behind me have no sense of personal space. Like, this Sunday, when I was at Albertson’s picking up some baby food and yams – a local yokel couple and their child (no doubt from one of the myriad trailer parks in my city – it’s famous for them) decides that they’re going to be as loud and obnoxious as possible in public.
Maybe they’re crying out for attention – whatever it is, it was really rude and ended up breaking my heart a little bit. The woman in the couple was directly behind me and spared not one little drop from the end of her frappuccino.
Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp. Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp. Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp…..
Yes, that’s exactly what I want to hear when I’ve been in the quick checkout lane for 10 minutes with a fussy 9 month old who wants to leap out of his stroller and the old lady in front of me is taking 5 minutes writing a check (please, please, please – some lawmaker please abolish checks in the quick check out lane at grocery stores).
Her man was carrying on a scene – he sounded like one of my ex’s friends, so I turn around and see a blond-haired, red-faced with pock marks, man harassing his toddler kid. The kid was just being a kid. Not really asking for too much – just doing what little kids do at grocery stores – can I have this or that?
The woman was too much into her frapp to care and was carrying on a separate conversation with the man. The man, clearly looking for attention, is speaking in a raised voice and disciplining the kid when he WHAPS him a big one … see, he says to the crying boy, if you don’t’ want me to slap your butt … blather, blather, blather.
What’s going on with people in this world? What’s so wrong with peace, love, and understanding, as that old song goes. I have a bleeding heart and the one thing that I cannot, absolutely cannot stand in this world is people being unnecessarily mean to kids.
Kids are SPONGES … they are so observant and pick up on everything around them. They just know what’s really going on … and it’s just so incredibly sad to me when their innocence is taken from them.
Meh ….
Maybe they’re crying out for attention – whatever it is, it was really rude and ended up breaking my heart a little bit. The woman in the couple was directly behind me and spared not one little drop from the end of her frappuccino.
Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp. Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp. Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp…..
Yes, that’s exactly what I want to hear when I’ve been in the quick checkout lane for 10 minutes with a fussy 9 month old who wants to leap out of his stroller and the old lady in front of me is taking 5 minutes writing a check (please, please, please – some lawmaker please abolish checks in the quick check out lane at grocery stores).
Her man was carrying on a scene – he sounded like one of my ex’s friends, so I turn around and see a blond-haired, red-faced with pock marks, man harassing his toddler kid. The kid was just being a kid. Not really asking for too much – just doing what little kids do at grocery stores – can I have this or that?
The woman was too much into her frapp to care and was carrying on a separate conversation with the man. The man, clearly looking for attention, is speaking in a raised voice and disciplining the kid when he WHAPS him a big one … see, he says to the crying boy, if you don’t’ want me to slap your butt … blather, blather, blather.
What’s going on with people in this world? What’s so wrong with peace, love, and understanding, as that old song goes. I have a bleeding heart and the one thing that I cannot, absolutely cannot stand in this world is people being unnecessarily mean to kids.
Kids are SPONGES … they are so observant and pick up on everything around them. They just know what’s really going on … and it’s just so incredibly sad to me when their innocence is taken from them.
Meh ….
It happens
When I finished college, I did what every newly-minted graduate feels the moral and social obligation to do -- I hit the pavement looking for a new job. I didn't really know what I wanted to do ... maybe marketing, something in entertainment? What was someone with a double major in economics and communications to do?
Back then, what I was told to do by some advisor, by everyone looking for jobs, was to send out your resume everywhere and anywhere. My mom suggested I apply at Costco, but I was too much on my high horse to do it (smacks of my ex ... ugh). I ended up signing up at a temp agency and started working for a company that produced pipe shields. Too complicated to explain WHAT they were, but they were an industrial company and promotions were promised.
Three weeks in, I attend a seminar with my boss and get into a horrible car accident on the way home. My right ankle and acetabulum (a hip bone) are broken and the recovery is MONTHS long. I'm in a wheelchair for a long time and have to go through physical therapy to start walking again.
When I returned to work at the temp job (I was begging them to let me come back to work - my family was driving me crazy), I asked someone ... why did all this happen to me?
The answer she gave me was profound and I didn't understand it until yesterday -- she said we go through these things so someday in the future we can help someone else who is going through something similar.
That day came yesterday when I started talking to a coworker -- a different subject, being in an abusive relationship. He is in a long-term relationship with the mother of his children and she's done such a number on him that this former-marine and martial artist is on the brink. He is me 6 months ago.
I see the pain in his eyes and I KNOW that pain. I hear the pain in his words from the hostile enviroment he lives in on a daily basis. I remember saying and thinking exactly what he told me yesterday - that he doesn't even feel comfortable in his own home. He's scared -- I don't think he's quite ready to make the final cut, but he's on his way.
What I told him more than anything is that he doesn't deserve to martyr himself ... NO ONE does. It's just not worth it. There ARE alternatives. There ARE options, and it's best to start making moves before he or his partner do anything drastic to themselves or their kids.
You know, it's really a beautiful thing being where I am right now ... I was just thinking this past Sunday that it is SUCH a wonderful thing to ENJOY my home and feel like I AM at home, not that I'm constantly on the defense and waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Yes, times are hard and I'm currently wondering how far I can make $100 stretch until 2 mondays from now, but I have never been more at peace with my home and I'm so happy to be there.
My coworker asked me a question before the day was done -- was it all worth it?
Absolutely.
Here's one of my favorite poems, by Emily Dickinson
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain
Back then, what I was told to do by some advisor, by everyone looking for jobs, was to send out your resume everywhere and anywhere. My mom suggested I apply at Costco, but I was too much on my high horse to do it (smacks of my ex ... ugh). I ended up signing up at a temp agency and started working for a company that produced pipe shields. Too complicated to explain WHAT they were, but they were an industrial company and promotions were promised.
Three weeks in, I attend a seminar with my boss and get into a horrible car accident on the way home. My right ankle and acetabulum (a hip bone) are broken and the recovery is MONTHS long. I'm in a wheelchair for a long time and have to go through physical therapy to start walking again.
When I returned to work at the temp job (I was begging them to let me come back to work - my family was driving me crazy), I asked someone ... why did all this happen to me?
The answer she gave me was profound and I didn't understand it until yesterday -- she said we go through these things so someday in the future we can help someone else who is going through something similar.
That day came yesterday when I started talking to a coworker -- a different subject, being in an abusive relationship. He is in a long-term relationship with the mother of his children and she's done such a number on him that this former-marine and martial artist is on the brink. He is me 6 months ago.
I see the pain in his eyes and I KNOW that pain. I hear the pain in his words from the hostile enviroment he lives in on a daily basis. I remember saying and thinking exactly what he told me yesterday - that he doesn't even feel comfortable in his own home. He's scared -- I don't think he's quite ready to make the final cut, but he's on his way.
What I told him more than anything is that he doesn't deserve to martyr himself ... NO ONE does. It's just not worth it. There ARE alternatives. There ARE options, and it's best to start making moves before he or his partner do anything drastic to themselves or their kids.
You know, it's really a beautiful thing being where I am right now ... I was just thinking this past Sunday that it is SUCH a wonderful thing to ENJOY my home and feel like I AM at home, not that I'm constantly on the defense and waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Yes, times are hard and I'm currently wondering how far I can make $100 stretch until 2 mondays from now, but I have never been more at peace with my home and I'm so happy to be there.
My coworker asked me a question before the day was done -- was it all worth it?
Absolutely.
Here's one of my favorite poems, by Emily Dickinson
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain
Monday, June 16, 2008
Meep...
Well, it was a really great weekend, that much is true. I had a great time with the little guy and we spent some very valuable bonding time together. He is so aware and it really amazes and surprises me to see that he actually COMPREHENDS stuff that we do together -- for instance, he saw Elmo on a box of crackers at the store and he KNEW that was Elmo. Also, we read books together every day and he knows the books and smiles when he sees certain pages.
He's also at the stage where he thinks he's big enough to jump out of his stroller (big eyeroll from me and a sigh). Yikes!
In other baby news, his teeth are finally coming in! The biting stage is on the way! Double yikes! Hee hee ... I did buy him his very own toothbrush and every night before bedtime we'll brush our teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. He has his very own big-boy hair brush, too, since his hair has grown in. I have to give him a haircut at some point, too ... my boy's growing up!
I saw this postcard on post secret that is exactly how I feel. The image is of an empty cubicle and the text is: "Instead of being with them, I'm trapped in my cubicle. I love the weekends when we spend time together, as a big, happy family. It's only Tuesday and I already can't wait for next weekend."
My MIL and ex both asked if they could see the baby for Father's day and go out to lunch, all of us. I went back and forth on it, but finally decided on no lunch, and dropped the baby off for an hour. It was the right thing to do and it meant a lot to my MIL, who does so much for the baby. Hard, but I amused myself by visiting the Dollar Tree and 99 cent store and topped it off with a Mocha Freeze from Costco. The ex was in a good mood that day, so it made things easier.
I noticed that he had one of his computer video games out ... uh oh, I hope his stepfather realizes that means he's not getting rid of my ex anytime soon! He spends days on end OBSESSED with the games and you can barely get him to eat anything, let alone leave the house.
Thinking about it, I think my ex is slightly agoraphobic. He can spend days, and days on end trapped in a dark room, doing whatever and rarely leaves the house to see the light again. Then again, that can also mean that he's just plain weird .... And, not the husband for me.
Before I dropped off the baby, I took a drive up the hill to Palos Verdes, the rich and ritzy area of the South Bay. I love taking car drives, and this one didn't use up too much gas. When I was growing up, my parents took a long drive to somewhere every weekend -- San Francisco, Concord, San Jose or Sacramento -- anywhere as long as we got OUT and about and away from our usual routine. I sometimes hated the fact that we rarely got out of our car and into different places, but that habit of going new places and exploring stayed with me.
What I've learned about marriage is that I need a husband who isn't obsessed with video games and can put the controller/computer down at somepoint, and also someone who has a sense of adventure. Good lessons to have learned.
He's also at the stage where he thinks he's big enough to jump out of his stroller (big eyeroll from me and a sigh). Yikes!
In other baby news, his teeth are finally coming in! The biting stage is on the way! Double yikes! Hee hee ... I did buy him his very own toothbrush and every night before bedtime we'll brush our teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. He has his very own big-boy hair brush, too, since his hair has grown in. I have to give him a haircut at some point, too ... my boy's growing up!
I saw this postcard on post secret that is exactly how I feel. The image is of an empty cubicle and the text is: "Instead of being with them, I'm trapped in my cubicle. I love the weekends when we spend time together, as a big, happy family. It's only Tuesday and I already can't wait for next weekend."
My MIL and ex both asked if they could see the baby for Father's day and go out to lunch, all of us. I went back and forth on it, but finally decided on no lunch, and dropped the baby off for an hour. It was the right thing to do and it meant a lot to my MIL, who does so much for the baby. Hard, but I amused myself by visiting the Dollar Tree and 99 cent store and topped it off with a Mocha Freeze from Costco. The ex was in a good mood that day, so it made things easier.
I noticed that he had one of his computer video games out ... uh oh, I hope his stepfather realizes that means he's not getting rid of my ex anytime soon! He spends days on end OBSESSED with the games and you can barely get him to eat anything, let alone leave the house.
Thinking about it, I think my ex is slightly agoraphobic. He can spend days, and days on end trapped in a dark room, doing whatever and rarely leaves the house to see the light again. Then again, that can also mean that he's just plain weird .... And, not the husband for me.
Before I dropped off the baby, I took a drive up the hill to Palos Verdes, the rich and ritzy area of the South Bay. I love taking car drives, and this one didn't use up too much gas. When I was growing up, my parents took a long drive to somewhere every weekend -- San Francisco, Concord, San Jose or Sacramento -- anywhere as long as we got OUT and about and away from our usual routine. I sometimes hated the fact that we rarely got out of our car and into different places, but that habit of going new places and exploring stayed with me.
What I've learned about marriage is that I need a husband who isn't obsessed with video games and can put the controller/computer down at somepoint, and also someone who has a sense of adventure. Good lessons to have learned.
Friday, June 13, 2008
I made a huge mistake ... but it's ok
Well, I made a huge mistake with my timekeeping at work. Since I'm an admin, I'm on the clock and it's up to me to tell my supervisor about any sick time/vacation days. Well, it totally slipped my mind that I took a vacation day and as a result, my paycheck came in extremely skimpy.
Oh, well -- I'm not too torn up about it, because I am covered by that Costco cash card and my savings, but it still sucks! It's one of those times when I wish I had a second income or at LEAST some child support coming through (you REALLY suck, ex) and it made me realize I need to get off my duff with this whole job game.
Old me would be ranting and raving about the high cost of gas and how much of my money goes to it and my stupid ex for not helping out with his child's care, but this new, medicated me wants to get going with my new life and find a way to make it work out. Part of me still wants to rant and rave, but what's the point? It's not going to change anything.
On a side note, my passion for my crush has significantly diminished - in fact, I feel nothing. Really, absolutely nothing. I guess he was like caffeine to me -- I was using my projections to compensate for something lacking in my noggin. Plus, he is a repeat of my ex in so many ways. Ah, well. You live, you learn!
I've been an admin for years and years and it's time for me to get to the next level. For some reason, I keep self-doubting and I don't allow myself the success that I deserve. I DO deserve a bigger paycheck. I DO deserve a more challenging position. I DO deserve to have a padded savings account.
This being poor stuff is overrated.
Oh, well -- I'm not too torn up about it, because I am covered by that Costco cash card and my savings, but it still sucks! It's one of those times when I wish I had a second income or at LEAST some child support coming through (you REALLY suck, ex) and it made me realize I need to get off my duff with this whole job game.
Old me would be ranting and raving about the high cost of gas and how much of my money goes to it and my stupid ex for not helping out with his child's care, but this new, medicated me wants to get going with my new life and find a way to make it work out. Part of me still wants to rant and rave, but what's the point? It's not going to change anything.
On a side note, my passion for my crush has significantly diminished - in fact, I feel nothing. Really, absolutely nothing. I guess he was like caffeine to me -- I was using my projections to compensate for something lacking in my noggin. Plus, he is a repeat of my ex in so many ways. Ah, well. You live, you learn!
I've been an admin for years and years and it's time for me to get to the next level. For some reason, I keep self-doubting and I don't allow myself the success that I deserve. I DO deserve a bigger paycheck. I DO deserve a more challenging position. I DO deserve to have a padded savings account.
This being poor stuff is overrated.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Out to Lunch ...
Today is my 2nd anniversary at my job (woo hoo ... a landmark in my job history, nonetheless) and I did something I've rarely done at this job, or ever. I went with a couple of coworkers for Vietnamese Pho (another first, despite the fact one of my oldest friends is Vietnames - she grew up on McDonald's) and it was a very nice change of pace. Dare I say, I highly enjoyed it.
Sitting in the family-owned restaurant in a strip mall, I went back about 4 years to a similarly-themed Mexican restaurant I went to with some of my MAC co-workers. Funny, I haven't thought about it in ages, but it was memorable because that night I had such a great time. I was laughing my butt off and the food was phenomenal, as it can only be at those types of hole in the wall places.
It's been so long since I've done something like that.... You know what stopped it? My ex, pretty much. I started dating him not long after and I took him to that very same Mexican restaurant ... only it wasn't as good a time ... he tended to ruin my dining experiences for several reasons, but towards the end of our relationship, I absolutely DREADED going out to eat at restaurants with him. Dreaded.
He took them as an opportunity to "teach" me languages, meaning making me fill out forms, work on worksheets he prepared, and berate me for whatever I filled out wrong. Ugh, my stomach is churning just thinking about it. Oh, and then, we could never go out to new places -- always the same old, same old. I could even enjoy going out for Persian food because he was insistant I speak to the servers in Farsi, even though I really didn't want to. Again, never what I wanted ....
Oh, lord ... he is a deceitful snake -- as soon as he's comfortable, he takes off the guise of being adventurous and lets his true self out -- boring and abusive. Boring, boring, and on top of all that boredom, more boring!!!
Now, with my monetary restrictions, I can't go out to eat so much, but I have to start doing stuff like that, again ... reclaiming me.
Sitting in the family-owned restaurant in a strip mall, I went back about 4 years to a similarly-themed Mexican restaurant I went to with some of my MAC co-workers. Funny, I haven't thought about it in ages, but it was memorable because that night I had such a great time. I was laughing my butt off and the food was phenomenal, as it can only be at those types of hole in the wall places.
It's been so long since I've done something like that.... You know what stopped it? My ex, pretty much. I started dating him not long after and I took him to that very same Mexican restaurant ... only it wasn't as good a time ... he tended to ruin my dining experiences for several reasons, but towards the end of our relationship, I absolutely DREADED going out to eat at restaurants with him. Dreaded.
He took them as an opportunity to "teach" me languages, meaning making me fill out forms, work on worksheets he prepared, and berate me for whatever I filled out wrong. Ugh, my stomach is churning just thinking about it. Oh, and then, we could never go out to new places -- always the same old, same old. I could even enjoy going out for Persian food because he was insistant I speak to the servers in Farsi, even though I really didn't want to. Again, never what I wanted ....
Oh, lord ... he is a deceitful snake -- as soon as he's comfortable, he takes off the guise of being adventurous and lets his true self out -- boring and abusive. Boring, boring, and on top of all that boredom, more boring!!!
Now, with my monetary restrictions, I can't go out to eat so much, but I have to start doing stuff like that, again ... reclaiming me.
Finding where I fit ...
Now that the fog and general sense of gloom & doom has lifted, I find myself motivated in a new and better way to find where I fit in the working world.
What I realize, now more than ever, is that in terms of my career, I am in a comfortable and SAFE position. Not necessarily the best fit for me and not challengeing whatsoever. I never wanted to be in a servant-type position, but that's what I find myself doing. Treated as if I'm pretty stupid and there is not room for anyone else in the clique.
In my minds eye, I see myself in a completely different function -- I see myself as a contributor, as a person who makes the decisions and is in charge of functions and who's ideas are respected. I see myself in meetings being asked critical questions and being able to answer them. The time has come for me to step OUT of the assistant mode.
One of my fears, and has always been, a lack of qualification. Most of that is just internal lack of self-confidence, but thinking about what I've done and what I've experienced since I've been working, it's really been a lot. What is separating me from success??? Me!
Last night I received a card from one of my oldest friends - we've known each other since she was in the 4th grade and I was in the 5th grade at our teensy Christian schoo and I used to help her with some of her homework. The next year, she skipped a grade and we were in the 6th grade together. Yep, the two of us plus two other boys comprised the entire 6th grade of our school. Oh, it's so funny in retrospect. On a side note, it was such a melting pot of a grade, too -- me, middle eastern, my friend Vietnamese, and the two boys being African American.
I've long lost contact with those two boys, but my friendship with the other classmate has remained through the years, often unstated, but always part of our lives. She included a $250 costco cash card with the card I received last night, moving me to tears. THAT is what good people really are. There ARE good people in this world -- really and truly.
Honestly, a part of me was mad at myself - I can't believe I'm in this position where I'm really struggling and this is what it's come to. But, I do know that it can only get better from here -- I've closed the door on my codependent self and opened the door to a bright, new future.
It's going to happen.
What I realize, now more than ever, is that in terms of my career, I am in a comfortable and SAFE position. Not necessarily the best fit for me and not challengeing whatsoever. I never wanted to be in a servant-type position, but that's what I find myself doing. Treated as if I'm pretty stupid and there is not room for anyone else in the clique.
In my minds eye, I see myself in a completely different function -- I see myself as a contributor, as a person who makes the decisions and is in charge of functions and who's ideas are respected. I see myself in meetings being asked critical questions and being able to answer them. The time has come for me to step OUT of the assistant mode.
One of my fears, and has always been, a lack of qualification. Most of that is just internal lack of self-confidence, but thinking about what I've done and what I've experienced since I've been working, it's really been a lot. What is separating me from success??? Me!
Last night I received a card from one of my oldest friends - we've known each other since she was in the 4th grade and I was in the 5th grade at our teensy Christian schoo and I used to help her with some of her homework. The next year, she skipped a grade and we were in the 6th grade together. Yep, the two of us plus two other boys comprised the entire 6th grade of our school. Oh, it's so funny in retrospect. On a side note, it was such a melting pot of a grade, too -- me, middle eastern, my friend Vietnamese, and the two boys being African American.
I've long lost contact with those two boys, but my friendship with the other classmate has remained through the years, often unstated, but always part of our lives. She included a $250 costco cash card with the card I received last night, moving me to tears. THAT is what good people really are. There ARE good people in this world -- really and truly.
Honestly, a part of me was mad at myself - I can't believe I'm in this position where I'm really struggling and this is what it's come to. But, I do know that it can only get better from here -- I've closed the door on my codependent self and opened the door to a bright, new future.
It's going to happen.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Changes ...
What no one told me about becoming a mom is that it would be a motherf-ing uphill battle to lose the baby weight. It is ridiculous. Especially considering the fact that I eat relatively well (no fast food, no junk food) and excercise on a regular basis. Really ridiculous!
My wonderful doctor told me that the side effects of the zoloft would include weight loss and looser bowels than normal. So far, I've experienced a 5 lb. weight loss, possibly in conjunction with the latter side effect.
One thing I've also done is majorly restrict my portion sizes. Although I do eat healthily, I also tend to eat ginormous portions -- maybe it's just me, but I never really feel FULL .... I think it has something to do with my condition, because I also was drinking tons and tons of caffeine per day, way more than normal, and able to fall asleep perfectly well. I wonder if I was trying to stimulate something that was lacking in my brain?
Well, in any event, this week I'm paying extremely close attention to what goes into my mouth and exactly how much ... conscious eating. I was reading Oprah's blog about her 21-day fast and she mentions that ... it's funny that for a woman with her stature, food is still a major challenge for her.
In my life, I've frequently used food as my crutch, my friend AND my adversary. It's not a challenge - it's not a race to see who can eat how much and how fast -- it's about sustaining yourself and finding ways to make it pleasurable. As I'm learning, there is really something magical about a well-made meal. And there's nothing wrong with having leftovers! Really, it's ok to make food and leave some for next time.
Today I've eaten fruit, vegetables, nuts, yogurt, and I'm about to go microwave some leftover chuck roast. I'm obsessed with this lemon pepper from a local spice shop, so I had a lot of that mixed with grapeseed oil and used it as my salad dressing.
I have a ton of food in my freezer, so this weekend I don't have to make my usual chili or quiche. It feels like quite a relief, actually. I'm going to simplify my life and after I'm done eating what I already have, I'm going to practice meal planning.
I'm not the type who needs to make elaborate recipes -- which kind of distresses me, but there's nothing wrong with eating simple foods. I tend to eat the same things over and over, so I'm going to challenge myself to make different things.
My wonderful doctor told me that the side effects of the zoloft would include weight loss and looser bowels than normal. So far, I've experienced a 5 lb. weight loss, possibly in conjunction with the latter side effect.
One thing I've also done is majorly restrict my portion sizes. Although I do eat healthily, I also tend to eat ginormous portions -- maybe it's just me, but I never really feel FULL .... I think it has something to do with my condition, because I also was drinking tons and tons of caffeine per day, way more than normal, and able to fall asleep perfectly well. I wonder if I was trying to stimulate something that was lacking in my brain?
Well, in any event, this week I'm paying extremely close attention to what goes into my mouth and exactly how much ... conscious eating. I was reading Oprah's blog about her 21-day fast and she mentions that ... it's funny that for a woman with her stature, food is still a major challenge for her.
In my life, I've frequently used food as my crutch, my friend AND my adversary. It's not a challenge - it's not a race to see who can eat how much and how fast -- it's about sustaining yourself and finding ways to make it pleasurable. As I'm learning, there is really something magical about a well-made meal. And there's nothing wrong with having leftovers! Really, it's ok to make food and leave some for next time.
Today I've eaten fruit, vegetables, nuts, yogurt, and I'm about to go microwave some leftover chuck roast. I'm obsessed with this lemon pepper from a local spice shop, so I had a lot of that mixed with grapeseed oil and used it as my salad dressing.
I have a ton of food in my freezer, so this weekend I don't have to make my usual chili or quiche. It feels like quite a relief, actually. I'm going to simplify my life and after I'm done eating what I already have, I'm going to practice meal planning.
I'm not the type who needs to make elaborate recipes -- which kind of distresses me, but there's nothing wrong with eating simple foods. I tend to eat the same things over and over, so I'm going to challenge myself to make different things.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Day 5 ....
It's day 5 of taking the medicine, and, on the whole, I feel a lot better. I don't feel as much anxiety and the sense of gloom and doom that was constant has lifted. I still turn things in my head over and over, but I'm not in panic mode.
In terms of the situation with my ex and his new flame, I don't really care, meaning, it's something that isn't present in my forethoughts. I will say that my mother-in-law had a talk with him about my concerns and he agreed to respect them.
Considering he is a child of divorce and often told me how seeing his parents with their new lovers really disturbed him, I hope wholeheartedly that he will take the utmost caution with any dating situations. Even though the baby is still an infant, I do not under ANY circumstances, want any one that I do not know holding him, etc. Not at all.
My mom-in-law mentioned that my ex told her the new flame is someone he was getting a language from -- oh, that ex of mine and his naive mom. What my ex needs to realize is that you can't keep using people for the purpose of learning their languages -- that is what his MO is .... He doesn't realize that he thinks differently than everyone else, and his ideas of love aren't everyone else's. The other party may be falling head over heels, while he is so wrapped up in acquiring a new language that he says he's in love, too. But what he does ISN'T love ... it's called using people. And there will be a time when the end of the relationship really won't go over well.
My psychic friends network, who I trust and respect, gave me some insight into my ex's future a couple of years ago. His future, if he keeps up his pattern, is grim. I don't wish bad on anyone, but I do hope he gets a grip ... if that is even possible.
In light of my own mental concerns, I can see now that my ex has a chemical imbalance ... he really does. There's no other way to explain that type of behavior. It's sad ... just sad to watch and experience.
In terms of the situation with my ex and his new flame, I don't really care, meaning, it's something that isn't present in my forethoughts. I will say that my mother-in-law had a talk with him about my concerns and he agreed to respect them.
Considering he is a child of divorce and often told me how seeing his parents with their new lovers really disturbed him, I hope wholeheartedly that he will take the utmost caution with any dating situations. Even though the baby is still an infant, I do not under ANY circumstances, want any one that I do not know holding him, etc. Not at all.
My mom-in-law mentioned that my ex told her the new flame is someone he was getting a language from -- oh, that ex of mine and his naive mom. What my ex needs to realize is that you can't keep using people for the purpose of learning their languages -- that is what his MO is .... He doesn't realize that he thinks differently than everyone else, and his ideas of love aren't everyone else's. The other party may be falling head over heels, while he is so wrapped up in acquiring a new language that he says he's in love, too. But what he does ISN'T love ... it's called using people. And there will be a time when the end of the relationship really won't go over well.
My psychic friends network, who I trust and respect, gave me some insight into my ex's future a couple of years ago. His future, if he keeps up his pattern, is grim. I don't wish bad on anyone, but I do hope he gets a grip ... if that is even possible.
In light of my own mental concerns, I can see now that my ex has a chemical imbalance ... he really does. There's no other way to explain that type of behavior. It's sad ... just sad to watch and experience.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Oy, vey and a HALF!
Yes, today is an oy vey and a half day -- I just want to slap my head and repeat it several times. The medicine has kicked in, because I no longer feel like moaning and crying for hours, which is a really good thing!
Perhaps it's a placebo effect, or perhaps it really HAS kicked in, because I feel SO GOOD inside - it's really amazing. I love meds! Even from the first day, my boss noticed a difference. I notice a huge difference - it's like the dark cloud that's been following me around has lifted and I no longer feel like Eeyore all the time. I feel empowered, like I can DO things ... and I haven't felt a smidgen of panic in a few days.
Lasseiz le bon temps roulez!!!! :)
Well, not to get into too much detail, because it's just not worth suffering over, but the ex took a new flame, a student at the college he works at (uh, ethics 101???) to his grandma's house, after expressing interest in going to church with his grandma. Unfortunatley for his ex, he has made such a bad impression on his grandma, she shunned him and who ever this girl is.
All I have to say is, she must be really stupid and desperate. If I was stupid and desperate enough to get involved with my ex when he was just divorced and starting a ph.d. program, she must be SUPER stupid and desperate to get involved with a man who is not yet divorced, has an infant child, and is living at his mom's house. If she only knew!
Apparently, she is Nigerian, is a community college student, tall and slender, a basketball player, and is in the choir of her catholic church. Dang, if he, at 35, has to resort to that ... my goodness. The only good thing about this time is that his family is in no way going to accept whoever this is - because it is ridiculous that he's doing it.
He has issues -- he's been engaged so many times ... he falls in love, and promises marriage, which is what all girls want to hear -- I know I loved it at the time....
I immediately called his mom and she agrees that there is no way any woman is going to be around the baby. Just no freaking way. She's still in denial about his true colors, but she will agree with me on this point. Still thinks I am the one at fault .... but that's another story.
I so KNEW it -- I really did, and even under medication, I want him to realize what a jerk he is.
Well, here's hoping my dreams and prayers come true -- the dreams of having a family and a husband who is my equal and not my adversary and who I can build a home with.
I am so happy right now because I'm typing from my ultra-chic new desk -- eeee! I am so PSYCHED because I bought a new desk and shelves from Target.com in dark walnut, my favorite shade, and they were SUCH a great buy. My apartment has officially lost the college student look! Whoopee!!!! I am going to have to post photos when I'm totally done. All I have left to buy are a tv stand and side table and I'm in the money!
When I look around at my home, I am so proud of what I've made -- and all on my own! I made this home! And it's gorgeous! And I can't wait to do more!
Perhaps it's a placebo effect, or perhaps it really HAS kicked in, because I feel SO GOOD inside - it's really amazing. I love meds! Even from the first day, my boss noticed a difference. I notice a huge difference - it's like the dark cloud that's been following me around has lifted and I no longer feel like Eeyore all the time. I feel empowered, like I can DO things ... and I haven't felt a smidgen of panic in a few days.
Lasseiz le bon temps roulez!!!! :)
Well, not to get into too much detail, because it's just not worth suffering over, but the ex took a new flame, a student at the college he works at (uh, ethics 101???) to his grandma's house, after expressing interest in going to church with his grandma. Unfortunatley for his ex, he has made such a bad impression on his grandma, she shunned him and who ever this girl is.
All I have to say is, she must be really stupid and desperate. If I was stupid and desperate enough to get involved with my ex when he was just divorced and starting a ph.d. program, she must be SUPER stupid and desperate to get involved with a man who is not yet divorced, has an infant child, and is living at his mom's house. If she only knew!
Apparently, she is Nigerian, is a community college student, tall and slender, a basketball player, and is in the choir of her catholic church. Dang, if he, at 35, has to resort to that ... my goodness. The only good thing about this time is that his family is in no way going to accept whoever this is - because it is ridiculous that he's doing it.
He has issues -- he's been engaged so many times ... he falls in love, and promises marriage, which is what all girls want to hear -- I know I loved it at the time....
I immediately called his mom and she agrees that there is no way any woman is going to be around the baby. Just no freaking way. She's still in denial about his true colors, but she will agree with me on this point. Still thinks I am the one at fault .... but that's another story.
I so KNEW it -- I really did, and even under medication, I want him to realize what a jerk he is.
Well, here's hoping my dreams and prayers come true -- the dreams of having a family and a husband who is my equal and not my adversary and who I can build a home with.
I am so happy right now because I'm typing from my ultra-chic new desk -- eeee! I am so PSYCHED because I bought a new desk and shelves from Target.com in dark walnut, my favorite shade, and they were SUCH a great buy. My apartment has officially lost the college student look! Whoopee!!!! I am going to have to post photos when I'm totally done. All I have left to buy are a tv stand and side table and I'm in the money!
When I look around at my home, I am so proud of what I've made -- and all on my own! I made this home! And it's gorgeous! And I can't wait to do more!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Maybe I'm the crazy one after all ...
After years and years of searching, I finally found the perfect doctor for me -- she's great. Had a baby a few days earlier than me and is very sensitive to my needs. Doesn't rush me, and asks all the right questions that no other doctor before has ever taken the time to ask.
So, I went today for a follow up to an appointment in March, which was for my complaints of not losing any baby weight. Well, I still haven't lost any baby weight, but she was able to pick up on my life situations and thinks I have a low-grade depression. She says the symptoms I've been having lately - exhaustion, trouble focusing, anxiety - are related to the hormones rushing through my body that are shrinking a section of my brain. If we don't treat this now, it could get much worse, so better to be on a 6 month course of meds and take care of business, per se.
So, after months and months of resisting it, and resisting being on meds, I gave in and filled a prescription for zoloft today. Part of me felt really weird about doing it - you know, the whole stigma of being on meds, but part of me was very relieved and happy that I'm doing something about it.
The truth is, I really am in the dumps the majority of the time and although a lot of it is due to my busy life, it is a very unpleasant way to exist. In fact, there's times I feel like I'M the Sybil, not my crazy coworker.
The doctor said the real solution to all of this is a simplified life, but that's not the reality of it all. It is what I want.
So, tonight I take my first half-pill. Lets see what happens. I am looking forward to the great experiment.
So, I went today for a follow up to an appointment in March, which was for my complaints of not losing any baby weight. Well, I still haven't lost any baby weight, but she was able to pick up on my life situations and thinks I have a low-grade depression. She says the symptoms I've been having lately - exhaustion, trouble focusing, anxiety - are related to the hormones rushing through my body that are shrinking a section of my brain. If we don't treat this now, it could get much worse, so better to be on a 6 month course of meds and take care of business, per se.
So, after months and months of resisting it, and resisting being on meds, I gave in and filled a prescription for zoloft today. Part of me felt really weird about doing it - you know, the whole stigma of being on meds, but part of me was very relieved and happy that I'm doing something about it.
The truth is, I really am in the dumps the majority of the time and although a lot of it is due to my busy life, it is a very unpleasant way to exist. In fact, there's times I feel like I'M the Sybil, not my crazy coworker.
The doctor said the real solution to all of this is a simplified life, but that's not the reality of it all. It is what I want.
So, tonight I take my first half-pill. Lets see what happens. I am looking forward to the great experiment.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Too much ....
They say this too shall pass, but I can't wrap my head around it.
I am exceedingly stressed. Want to be prescribed something. Anything to make it better.
I am exceedingly stressed. Want to be prescribed something. Anything to make it better.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Is it me???
Really, is it me??? It must be ... the reason why I have so many job conflicts. The conversation I had this morning was extremely similar to one I had when I was at the big radio station in SF.
After nine months on this job, which I was extremely bored at, my two bosses pulled me in and asked me what my problem was and why I was so distracted. At that point, I gave them my notice. I was young and COULD do it ....
Five years later, it's the exact same situation, exact same conversation and my answer is ... I'm sorry, I don't know what I can say .... I CAN'T do anything about it, because I've officially grown up and now I have responsibilities.
Well ... this bites. What IS my problem? That I settle for less challenging positions? That I don't have the confidence to believe I CAN find a more challenging position?
I just don't know ... if this life of mine were a drama, this time in my life would be known as the turning point. Surprises around every corner. Whoopee.
After nine months on this job, which I was extremely bored at, my two bosses pulled me in and asked me what my problem was and why I was so distracted. At that point, I gave them my notice. I was young and COULD do it ....
Five years later, it's the exact same situation, exact same conversation and my answer is ... I'm sorry, I don't know what I can say .... I CAN'T do anything about it, because I've officially grown up and now I have responsibilities.
Well ... this bites. What IS my problem? That I settle for less challenging positions? That I don't have the confidence to believe I CAN find a more challenging position?
I just don't know ... if this life of mine were a drama, this time in my life would be known as the turning point. Surprises around every corner. Whoopee.
Bad, baby, bad ...
I just got a talk-to by my boss. Bad, baby, it was bad.
This morning I received two compliments, but this talk was about how I'm so distracted, how she can't count on me, blah, blah ...
I didn't know what to say, and I said as much. I'm sorry, I told her, I just don't know what else I can do. What else was I supposed to say? Really?
I cried ... couldn't help it ... what am I supposed to do????? Can someone help me figure this out???
Anyway, I did manage to read a couple of pages of "What Color is Your Parachute" on my day off. Just a couple, because that's all I was good for. I did learn a couple of things -- like, these days, jobs are more like seminars, and that's how you should look at t hem. Also, keep your resume updated at all times because your job could be cut at any time.
I REALLY need to get to that resume ....
This morning I received two compliments, but this talk was about how I'm so distracted, how she can't count on me, blah, blah ...
I didn't know what to say, and I said as much. I'm sorry, I told her, I just don't know what else I can do. What else was I supposed to say? Really?
I cried ... couldn't help it ... what am I supposed to do????? Can someone help me figure this out???
Anyway, I did manage to read a couple of pages of "What Color is Your Parachute" on my day off. Just a couple, because that's all I was good for. I did learn a couple of things -- like, these days, jobs are more like seminars, and that's how you should look at t hem. Also, keep your resume updated at all times because your job could be cut at any time.
I REALLY need to get to that resume ....
Obsessed ...
Right now, I am carrying a huge obsession for the color green. I can't explain why or how, but I need to have green in my life like nothing else. I want to wear it, I want my home decorated in it ... I just love the color green ... and not lime green, electric green, mint green, or a muddled forest green, I want a fresh, vibrant green.
It's really taking over my life .... I stopped in Z Gallery this weekend when I was toddling around the mall and decided I need to live there ... they have plenty of green pillows around and I need to enhance my life with it.
Need! I am also obsessed with finding the perfect green jersey dress for my photo shoot in a couple of months. Baby and I are going to have our pics taken by a photo pro in July, and I want to wear color! I'm really excited about it, because she is such an amazing photographer.
Since the ex and I never had engagement or wedding photos, I asked her to take photos of us when I was 2 months pregnant. They turned out wonderfully, but too bad I can't display them anymore! Ah well, I'm going to save them for the little guy so when he's all grown up, he'll know that although his parents aren't together anymore, he was made with love.
It's really taking over my life .... I stopped in Z Gallery this weekend when I was toddling around the mall and decided I need to live there ... they have plenty of green pillows around and I need to enhance my life with it.
Need! I am also obsessed with finding the perfect green jersey dress for my photo shoot in a couple of months. Baby and I are going to have our pics taken by a photo pro in July, and I want to wear color! I'm really excited about it, because she is such an amazing photographer.
Since the ex and I never had engagement or wedding photos, I asked her to take photos of us when I was 2 months pregnant. They turned out wonderfully, but too bad I can't display them anymore! Ah well, I'm going to save them for the little guy so when he's all grown up, he'll know that although his parents aren't together anymore, he was made with love.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Panic on the PCH ...
Today has been a glorious, glorious day at work... I'm having so much fun, not really doing any work, per se, but gossiping with some of my work friends and catching up on my emails .... why am I being so frivolous and free? Because I'm home alone! All the bosses are at a trade show and therefore no one sneaking up behind me and keeping me on edge all day.
Dare I say it, but I think I will actually be more productive this way.... That's terrible!
One of my bosses is someone we like to call Sybil, for her ever-changing mulitple personalities. You can tell when her Sybil is on by the crazy in her eyes. Sometimes she locks herself in her office, walks out in a huff much later, wraps her shawl around her shoulders, and stalks away discontentedly.
What IS it with sales people and personality disorders? I swear, there isn't one place I haven't worked where the sales people make you want to take a flying leap off a bridge at least once a week. I guess you gotta be somewhat crazy to pay the bills...
I was just thinking this weekend about my ex and his undiagnosed bipolarism and how crazy people made the world what it is today ... or else, everyone would just be content to stay in their little mud huts, hunting and gathering, doing their thing and trying not to starve. So, I guess we all owe the crazies of the world, past and present, a big old thank you for letting me have my $2.50 Starbucks 4 shot espresso over ice with half and half and 4 packets splenda. Yes, the crazies of the world made that possible. Yes, I'm talking to you, Julius Caeser. You go with all your conquering and Cleopatra seducing ....
No, I'm not going off on a crazy binge, myself, although yesterday, on my usual Sunday morning excursion, I did have a bit of a panic attack. I love that I live in walking-distance of a couple of major shopping centers, but I have to go up the Pacific Coast Highway (aka PCH) to get there, and sometimes you just want to hear peace and quiet, not the rushing roar of a zillion and a half cars beeping and honking and vrooming everywhere.
It was time for his nap, but the little guy was too excited to see the cars going by and flat out refused to go to beddy bye -- he was kind of fussy by the time we got near our destination ... which was also around the time I had to pass through a huge puddle of water. The sprinklers on a stretch of sidewalk had been going off all day and there was no sign or any kind of warning, and I wasn't able to tell that it was actually going for a simulated ocean look. Wet feet are not the greatest thing in the world!
Luckily enough, I really did need to buy new sneakers and Kohls was just up ahead. Thank the sweet baby Jesus, because wet feet and a fussy baby are enough to make you want to cry in public. There are many times when I want to cry in public, but I know someone has to be the grownup around here!!!
Anyway, on the way back, after the little guy had finally fallen asleep and I had changed into my new sneakers, something about trying to calm down from that incident combined with the hot sun and vrooming of all the cars going by set me into a panic ... I wanted to get home ... PRONTO ... I also wanted to find somewhere private where I could sit for a bit and get calmed down, but that was no where to be found.
I had to do a major self-help therapy session on the way back ... and took a couple of hours at home to just CHILL before I ventured out wards again.
Sigh ... this single parenting thing is really , really hard sometimes. My mom was reminding my that my busy surgeon father wasn't always around because he had a very demanding career, but you know what, there really is a difference when you KNOW you have a husband or partner who is THERE for you ... maybe not right away, but having someone you can count on does a world of difference.
Yep, that's it ... crazys and panic attacks ... and then, fun at work today. :)
Dare I say it, but I think I will actually be more productive this way.... That's terrible!
One of my bosses is someone we like to call Sybil, for her ever-changing mulitple personalities. You can tell when her Sybil is on by the crazy in her eyes. Sometimes she locks herself in her office, walks out in a huff much later, wraps her shawl around her shoulders, and stalks away discontentedly.
What IS it with sales people and personality disorders? I swear, there isn't one place I haven't worked where the sales people make you want to take a flying leap off a bridge at least once a week. I guess you gotta be somewhat crazy to pay the bills...
I was just thinking this weekend about my ex and his undiagnosed bipolarism and how crazy people made the world what it is today ... or else, everyone would just be content to stay in their little mud huts, hunting and gathering, doing their thing and trying not to starve. So, I guess we all owe the crazies of the world, past and present, a big old thank you for letting me have my $2.50 Starbucks 4 shot espresso over ice with half and half and 4 packets splenda. Yes, the crazies of the world made that possible. Yes, I'm talking to you, Julius Caeser. You go with all your conquering and Cleopatra seducing ....
No, I'm not going off on a crazy binge, myself, although yesterday, on my usual Sunday morning excursion, I did have a bit of a panic attack. I love that I live in walking-distance of a couple of major shopping centers, but I have to go up the Pacific Coast Highway (aka PCH) to get there, and sometimes you just want to hear peace and quiet, not the rushing roar of a zillion and a half cars beeping and honking and vrooming everywhere.
It was time for his nap, but the little guy was too excited to see the cars going by and flat out refused to go to beddy bye -- he was kind of fussy by the time we got near our destination ... which was also around the time I had to pass through a huge puddle of water. The sprinklers on a stretch of sidewalk had been going off all day and there was no sign or any kind of warning, and I wasn't able to tell that it was actually going for a simulated ocean look. Wet feet are not the greatest thing in the world!
Luckily enough, I really did need to buy new sneakers and Kohls was just up ahead. Thank the sweet baby Jesus, because wet feet and a fussy baby are enough to make you want to cry in public. There are many times when I want to cry in public, but I know someone has to be the grownup around here!!!
Anyway, on the way back, after the little guy had finally fallen asleep and I had changed into my new sneakers, something about trying to calm down from that incident combined with the hot sun and vrooming of all the cars going by set me into a panic ... I wanted to get home ... PRONTO ... I also wanted to find somewhere private where I could sit for a bit and get calmed down, but that was no where to be found.
I had to do a major self-help therapy session on the way back ... and took a couple of hours at home to just CHILL before I ventured out wards again.
Sigh ... this single parenting thing is really , really hard sometimes. My mom was reminding my that my busy surgeon father wasn't always around because he had a very demanding career, but you know what, there really is a difference when you KNOW you have a husband or partner who is THERE for you ... maybe not right away, but having someone you can count on does a world of difference.
Yep, that's it ... crazys and panic attacks ... and then, fun at work today. :)
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