So glad I took the day off yesterday ....ink

... besides wanting to be one of the firsts to see Sex and the City: The Movie, I needed a true vacation day like nothing else. It's been about forever since I had time to do stuff I actually want and like to do - like, since the ex and I got back together, and I cherished every moment.

SATC has a sacred place in my heart - I think it is so relatable on so many levels. And, a secret tidbit, I did makeup on a writer of one episode, who also wrote the cheerleading movie, Bring it On. It's a whole other post altogher, involving false eyelashes, false eyelash adhesive, and too much moxie on my end. Geesh ....

And, I have a couple of other six degree of separations to SATC - I used to work with someone who's brother-in-law was on the crew of the show, and yet another co-worker was babysat by Sarah Jessica Parker in her youth. I also have a connection to Madonna, but that was another job and yet another coworker.

The thing about the show is that I not only want to be as fabulous as Carrie Bradshaw -- even though her considerable under eye baggage was so mysteriously missing in the film (cough, cough ... cg!!!!), but there are so many instances in my life where I have BEEN one of those characters.

For example, radio man was my Mr. Big -- he was even part of the reason I was so enthusiastic about moving to Southern California. Right after I left his tv show was being heavily promoted and a friend/former coworker called me to tell me he was allllll over SF -- imagine me having to walk down the street and see his face all the time???!!!! It's a good thing I'm in Hell-ay as I write.

My marriage was very Charlotte and Trey - a husband who was just not always THERE, and me desperately wanting a marriage and family life that just can't be possible with him.

As a single mom, I have so many Miranda moments -- especially lately when I get home from work impossibly late due to my commute and I miss some great moments with my son.

And, yes, I have a Samantha side, too. No, I'm not the maneater that she is, but I definitely can relate ... hee hee hee ... no, I will not elaborate!

Ah, it was like being back with old friends ... I so missed them!

Oh, and don't think I didn't consider breaking out my Saks or Neiman Marcus credit cards and making a trip for some Manolos, like I've always dreamed of having. Why I have those charge cards in the first place is ridiculous (but indicative of my earlier spend-a-holic, all on makeup-life), but the SENSIBLE me said no, no, no ... I did end up with some FIERCE camel Tahari pumps, courtesy of TJ Maxx, and I'm so proud to report I did such a good job RESISTING being a shop-a-holic again for a day.

I wish I'd had the time/gas money to do another thing I was considering, which was to go to the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Beach and have a glass of something alcoholic and just sit my butt down by the windows facing the ocean. But, that's for another day off ....

I did make one superb purchase, which is a Thomas the Tank Engine little scooter/pushy thingy for the baby - $30 and possibly the best $30 I've ever spent, as it is giving my little boy an immense amount of joy and pride and is giving every family member such happiness to see him really having a good old time. Oh, how I adore that little guy even when he was just NOT having it at Costco today. It took some pizza to get him back to his old self ... oh, that kid of mine ... so like mother like son!!!! :)

I'm back ...

One of my biggest concerns pre-split up was what to do with all my personalized stationery in my married name? Silly, but I do have tons of it.

Well, my decision is to cross out my former last name and then write in my maiden name when the change is official. It will be a fiesta! Ha ha ...

I did receive one very important package today ... a pack of my favorite stationery ... in my maiden name! :)

Stress, headache, stress...

There you have it, a headache sandwiched in between stress. It is definitely one of THOSE days ... I slept with one eye open until 4 am - the baby usually wakes up and gets into my bed around 1 am, but decided to sleep in his crib a little bit longer today.

I'm a bit unsightly at the moment, with a big old picked zit near my lip that looks like a cold sore and a burst blood vessel in my left eye. Geesh. Not too cute right now, for sure.

After failing to get the hospital to dismiss my final $800 bill from the baby's delivery, I scanned the bill and sent it along to my ex ... I started getting all kinds of agrrivated over it, and then had to put my foot down -- why should I have to deal with all this??? His mom did agree with me this morning that he has to help out with it -- if he starts acting like an ass, I'm sending it to his lawyer.

This Friday I'm taking a vacation day and will be catching the 10 am Sex and The City movie -- I'm so excited, as are 80% of the women in America. Afterwards, I'm planning to take myself out to lunch and then to a pedicure. Well deserved relaxation!

Last night, I watched an incredible documentary on PBS about a Cambodian-American woman who took her parents back to Cambodia and got to the bottom of some closely-held family secrets. I bawled my eyes out over the suffering, but at the end, I was crying tears of joy for the triumph of the human spirit.

The bottom-line of the story? Family triumphs over all -- at the end of the day, nothing is more important than it, and as humans, we have a need to be in a family unit. It is worth defending, fighting over. It IS humanity.

Can't get this out of my head

For some reason I have this song playing over and over in my head today, particularly the verse about stopping into a church:

California Dreaming~ The Mamas and The Papas

All the leaves are brownAnd the sky is grayI've been for a walkOn a winter's dayI'd be safe and warmIf I was in L.A.California dreamin'On such a winter's dayStopped into a churchI passed along the wayOh, I got down on my kneesAnd I pretend to prayYou know the preacher likes the cold He knows I'm gonna stayCalifornia dreamin'On such a winter's dayAll the leaves are brownAnd the sky is grayI've been for a walkOn a winter's dayIf I didnt tell herI could leave todayCalifornia dreamin'On such a winter's day(California dreamin')On such a winter's day(California dreamin')On such a winter's day

My little boy ...

... there is not a moment that goes by that I'm not in awe of my little boy. He is amazing ... I've said it a zillion times, but the greatest gift this life has given me is being able to see him develop and grow.

This afternoon I was watching him stand up at his little ikea kids table and make his thomas train move back and forth, very serious with a binky in his mouth, and I just wanted to melt on the spot. My little man..

In other news, I've come to the realization that I really do have feelings for someone, because I just got over crying about him. Really crying. Crying because I know anything is probably not going to happen, and I hope that he ends up with someone who is worthy of him, because he's a really good guy.

I wonder if he knows that I know? I've known since December, back when I was still pretending to be happily married. Does he know that I see him, noticing and remembering every thing that I do? Does he know that his heart is on his sleeve, and I want nothing more than to grab it and put it in my pocket? Oh, fate ... you are cruel sometimes.

I do it to myself ....

... yesterday I went in a panic and deleting frenzy -- I had sent a blog post to a coworker and didn't realize the rest of my blog was accessable through the header.

Big whoops. There I go getting a big head with the attention whore problem. Yes, yes, yes. Ay ... but, I think it's safe to say that the email won't be forwarded to anyone, so nothing to worry about.

It's safe to say my obsession with Prince Charming is officially over ... it was just a lustful, wishful thinking on my part, but recent information I've learned about him took him about 20 notches down in my book. What I've learned in life, and what is just confirmed by this experience, is that appearance isn't everything.

The good thing about turning 30 this year and having a file cabinet full of life experience is that I've learned how to distinguish reality from illusion fairly well. My BS monitor is on at high gear, and that can sometimes lead to cynicism, but in my case, I think it's helping me get through life a little better. Naturally, I tend to have a wide-eyed and optimistic view of life, and while that's good, it often leads to disappointment. Internal BS monitors are earned, not given.

The weekend is ahead and I'm looking forward to the Monday off. The weather here is stinky and grouchy and thunderstorm-y, so we might not get the sun. I'm sure the baby and I will have a grand old time, no matter what.

Yes, I know ...

... that it's up to ME to change my life. Yes, I know that the only one in the world who can make me feel bad is ME, but I just don't want to believe that.

Maybe I'm not evolved enough, but you know, sometimes I just want to complain for the sake of complaining. Anything so wrong with that?

Ok, well, maybe, yes -- maybe there's a point when I need to stop complaining, stop feeling bad for myself and pick my sorry ass up from the ground where I've been moping for the last few years and get on with business.

I hope that point comes soon.

In the meanwhile, time goes on and things stay the same. Nothing changes, just the status quo. And that 's not a good thing.

I just want to scream and scream and keep screaming ...

... until someone in charge in the universe finally hears me and rights all the wrongs in this world.

I can't stand it sometimes ... it being the collective naivete of my ex and his mom. This situation is driving me crazy. This situation being the cell phone bill.

We're about to get a divorce from our family phone plan, but in the meanwhile, $200 that I can't afford to have taken out of my bank account was taken out of my bank account to pay for the current month's bill. My ex autopays me $50, but due to his crazy phone habits, he owes me $100 on top of that.

As usual, he's holding me hostage by saying he won't give it to me until we go to the Sprint store together. I called his mom to ask her to put in her 2 cents, only to have her confirm the monetary blackmail.

It's times like these I want to move back to my parents house so they'll rarely see the baby. Mean, I know, but I can't handle this family some times.

In general, I really like my ex's mom and her husband and am always welcomed in their house. However, with the current situation, I'm trying to avoid spending too much time their. Plus, it seems like the spring heatwave that's been popping up on the weekend is bringing out the cranky in everyone, especially these two. Her husband is demanding, grouchy and mean when it's hot and she starts yelling at him, too. Exactly the living situation I just escaped in my own personal life.

Flipping out over stupid shit ...

Yesterday, I arrived at my mother-in-law's home to see the baby sporting a new shirt from Baby Gap that his father picked up for him. I flipped out.

Several reasons why -- 1. Who is he seeing or who is he with that he's shopping? He never usually goes out JUST to shop, which leads to; 2. It still makes me MAD that he's living this la-di-da carefree life and frolicks around and doesn't really do anything else and when he's countered about this he just doles out threats; 3. If he wants to buy something for the baby, he can give me child support.

I just have so much rage in me sometimes about my ex. My mother-in-law is just so blindingly naive to his ways and it really makes me nuts. He has NO accountability in this world and how dare he be able to do this and not have to answer to anyone about it.

Yes, I am TIRED and trying to avoid becoming bitter. Yes, I am EXHAUSTED and sometimes at night when the baby is in bed and I have a zillion things to do, all I can do is lie on the sofa and talk myself into getting up so I can go do one or two of those zillion things.

One of my coworkers and friends is having a real dilemma with childcare and work. It's going to cost her a lot of money, no matter what. I AM lucky to have free childcare, but what I want more than anything sometimes is a PARTNER who is by my side and can roll with the punches with me.

I really don't want to move in with my parents, but more and more it looks like it might have to happen. Actually, it's dependent on my future job situation. I haven't officially started looking, but now that the dust from the divorce filing has settled and I'm dealing with child support, I'm going to have to put it on the front burner and turn the heat up to high.

I just wish I weren't so darned TIRED.

Proud

Proud of myself for filing my divorce response ... an unexpected $320 later, it's done, and a big weight was lifted off my chest. The sight of the offical stamp on the paperwork freaked me out a bit - I don't know why - maybe the officialness of it all? But, in all, I feel extraordinarily free and glad to be on my way to bigger and better things.

I came up with a letter to send to my ex's lawyer with my concerns -- here's what I have so far.

Today, I have two items that I wish to discuss with the court:

Custody
Request by petitioner that I pay for his attorney fees

Mr. X has refused to be financially responsible for our child since I became pregnant with him. When I was pregnant, he refused to help out with medical and related bills and refused to attend Lamaze, newborn child education and cpr classes, even though I paid for his share. Instead of assisting me, Mr. X instructed me to ask his mother for help, financially and as a partner for baby-related education classes.

I have bank records and receipts for bills related to baby’s prenatal care, birth and subsequent medical visits and such forth that totals in the $6000 range. Again, Mr. X did not assist me with this financially whatsoever. He only paid his share of rent and utilities and anything besides that was left up to me.

When I would ask him to assist me, he would either defer to his mother’s assistance, or promise me he would have a full-time job “soon”, which never ended up happening. When we were together, he was offered several side-job opportunities which he turned down. When I have suggested that he work at a Starbucks for extra money and health insurance, and even take the steps to fill out his job application, he stated, “Why should I work at Starbucks with all my degrees and certificates?”

I would also like to note that in the past, Mr. X has displayed physical and verbal violence towards me. While I was pregnant, he grabbed by cell phone and destroyed it. He also grabbed my arm hard enough to leave a hand mark that was visible for a week. When baby was about 4 months old and sleeping, Mr. X instigated a fight with me that ended in him breaking our landline home phone, dvd remote control and several books.

Since our separation on February 28, 2008, he has been living with his mother and has very little living expenses. He has given me one check for $300, which I suppose is equal to $100 a month in child support. He has bought baby’s formula and diapers regularly since our separation, but only on the advice of his lawyer. When we were living as a family, he rarely helped out with this and when I would ask him for help he would give me a hard time before giving me half of the cost.

When we separated, he stated that he would definitely have a full-time job with health benefits by the time we appeared in court, and as you can see, that has not happened. In a recent phone conversation, when I asked him why he did not have a full-time job with health benefits, he said it was my fault, despite the fact that we have not been in communication with each other since our separation.

As the primary caregiver and financial provider for our son, I feel like I deserve primary discretion when it comes to decisions about his upbringing and how he is to spend time with his father.

His father often accuses me of micromanaging, but I have nothing but baby’s best interest at heart. I have witnessed Mr. X being inattentive to baby and by his mother’s own admission he is not capable of caring for baby for extended periods of time.

From past interactions, I do not have very good experience about many of Mr. X’s friends. He refers to them with nicknames such as “the sex monkey” and “hippo penis bone”, which are not appropriate names for a child to be exposed to. Before our separation, Mr. X was in the process of making a pornography web site with “the sex monkey”. I am asking that anytime Mr. X wants to take baby to visit with his friends, I should be asked first.

To sum, my main concern is the lack of responsibility that Mr. X has continually demonstrated. I would like the court to know that Mr. X has refused the opportunity to make money to support his child and I feel that this should reflect in the terms of our custody agreement.

I also ask that the court deny Mr. X’s request that I pay for his attorney fees. This is an outrageous request, considering the fact that besides not having many living expenses, Mr. X is also given at least $1000 a month by his father. His father also provided the money to pay for his attorney. As you can see on his financial statement, Mr. X has well over $9000 in his bank account.

If anything, I ask that Mr. X reimburse me for the $320 filing fee for the divorce response papers.

I work full-time and my parents do not provide me with any kind of financial support whatsoever. My income is the only income I have to count on, and it is what I use to pay for living expenses, loan payments, and remaining medical expenses related to my childbirth.

One step down ...

Well, this morning I spent a very productive 2 hours in the courthouse with a legal volunteer and got some laughs and some paperwork done. Tomorrow morning I go back to file my response, since I didn't have enough change to make copies today (bah!).

One thing I found out is that the ex checked the box requesting that I pay for his legal bills ... HAH!!!! That is so completely laughable ... just, HAH!

Later in the day, the ex's attorney contacted me and we had an hour-long phone conversation about my custody concerns, etc ... we've come to a general agreement that he'll have visitation on the day's his mom watches the baby and then he can have visitation on Sunday afternoons from 12p - 5p. I don't know how often he'll actually use those days, but it's a much, much, much better solution to me than what he previously proposed.

So, things are moving along, and I feel better about things. One thing is clear ... me and my ex are dangerous together. Absolutely combustible -- we just cannot communicate, and it's the best that it's all ending and going forward.

Dr. Feel

As a result of me watching a lot of Sesame Street these days, I've become aquainted with "Dr. Feel", their muppet version of "Dr. Phil", who is actually the subject of this post. It's the most hilarious sketch I've seen lately, if you ever happen to be at home early in the morning and feel like watching some PBS.

But that is so besides the point! Last night my mom called me and told me to turn on Dr. Phil - it was about mooching husbands, and I could SO relate. According to the Dr. Phil message boards, he frequently has shows about mooching husbands, so maybe he knows there's more of this going on in the world than anyone cares to admit???

Anyway, there was a lesson in all of it -- he says the parents/relatives who enable the mooching aren't doing it for the sake of the mooch -- they're doing it for their OWN satisfaction, to temper any feelings of guilt they may have.

I so wish I could show that to my mother-in-law. She is the sweetest lady in the world, but really needs to stop it with the guilt and let herself and her son move on!

In other news, the ex has learned his lesson and sent a message through his mother, which is exactly what I was asking for in the first place, since not having to hear him or be near him encourages civilized behavior on my end.

After 3 months of being ashamed/embarrassed to admit that my marriage has failed, I took the big step of changing my myspace profile. Big step right there.

Realizations...

What I realized from today's horrible conversation with my ex is that he continues to persistently play the VICTIM card.

It's a GOOD thing that I've been removed from him for about 3 months and have a brand new perspective on things from the first time around. There were times during the converstation where I was LAUGHING because of how stinking ridiculous the situation was. It is just extremely obvious that he has severe emotional and mental issues that he doesn't want to deal with and instead wants to continually pawn off to other people. This time, I was the target.

I pegged him right and he has sexually moved on (he bragged), which doesn't really bother me so much. I mean, I have no emotion tied to it and know that it's nothing to boo hoo about.

Tonight, as the little guy and I were playing, I burst into tears several times -- oh, my sweet child. Yes, I realize that his dad does get time with him, but I feel like it's putting the baby in the devil's arms.

How I wish this was all over right now. The truth is, I have a lot to fight for ahead of me - a whole lot. How I wish that my mom were with me right now ... I need my mother's love and support to get me through right now.

There was something that triggered me talking to my parents again -- I dreamt that my mom had died and no one bothered to tell me she was sick in the first place. In my dream, although I was estranged from her, I was extremely devastated in a way that shocked me. In reality, I just don't know what I would do without her.

Dear Jeebus

Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi -- so, the ex just called me at work after a long series of events and proceeded to try his usual schlock of blah, blah, blah, it's all your fault, blah, blah, blah. He wouldn't let me hang up, under threat, and it ended up that my BOSS came to my desk and told me to be quiet.

Great. Whoop-di-doo.

It seems as if his lawyer called him after our earlier conversation, and although I had requested he not contact me at work at all, the ex took it upon himself to call me, since I'm my own lawyer, and bully me and tell me that if I don't do what he wants, he'll go for full custody of the baby.

I understand he is going to have to have some custody of the baby, but the bottom-line is, I simply don't want him to. That's all is comes down to, for me. That's it.

He's not capable of having an adult conversation, and instead relies on threats and bullying techniques. Bully, bully, bully until he gets his way.

I love how he used the opportunity to try to bring me down, to tell me it's MY fault he doesn't have a full-time job, and how dare I suggest he work at Starbucks, with all his certificates, awards, and degrees. How I'm going to be a secretary my whole life and how he's really moving up in this world and I'm the big failure because I'm stupid, etc. I just love it.

Faulty logic.

I just don't want to deal with it...

Ay, that's the primary conflict in my life. I just don't want to have to deal with this divorce-related crap!

However, I started the day off right by finally WD-40'ing my front car door -- the key hole has been stuck for quite some time and I've been avoiding dealing with it for a couple of weeks by opening the door from the other side (I have an old school, non-automatic car). What a relief! '

Then, I called the hospital and left a message -- I'm going to see if there is anything they can do to reduce or eliminate my final $811 bill related to my delivery. The insurance company paid for most of it, it costing a whopping $26,000!

Then, this afternoon, I went to the courthouse to visit their self-help center. I must have underestimated how many people in the area need to represent themselves, because it was packed, and there was no way I was going to be seen on my lunch hour.

I headed back to my car, feeling defeated and on the verge of tears, but stopped myself and called my ex's lawyer. We had a very productive call, he listened to my concerns, and I think this whole process is going to be easier than I made it out to be.

Now, I have to get on filing the child support paperwork, and hopefully, that will go smoothly as well.

As I've learned, it's about taking those tiny, first steps, hard as it is to actually do something. A great example of this is my baby - he's capable of walking around, only if he's supported by an adult, and if I take away a hand, he gets worried and reaches for my hand. However, there have been times when he's playing with something, and I let go of him completely. He doesn't even notice that he's standing all on his own, or taking a step all on his own.

It's a miraculous thing.

Mother's Day

It's late on Sunday night, and I'm taking a break from my weekly "get all the cooking done while I can" night. Today's culinary adventures are going pretty well, since I managed to get a lot of the prep work done on Saturday night.

It's still a challenge, mainly because the little guy refused to sleep at his normal time, and instead wanted to take an extra hour to play with his Thomas train and listen to me sing Broadway musical tunes. No, really, he requested I regale him with tunes from Annie for about 30 minutes until he wriggled himself clear to the end of my bed. I think that's a sign he likes my singing.

Hee hee.

My first mother's day was really nice. I went out to lunch with my mom yesterday, and we did our Costco shopping together, which was cute because I showed her the TV I ended up getting and the cookware set I am planning on getting this week.

There is nothing more I love than being house proud. It's a feeling that came along with motherhood and I am embracing it ... I can't explain it, but I like it.

This morning, I had a nice breakfast with my mother-in-law at a local diner ... I was looking forward to hash browns and ended up getting an everything omlet that was just what the grease doctor ordered. The baby kept himself well occupied and we avoided any serious drama, unlike the Mimi's Cafe incident, which involved oranges, cheerios, and a blueberry muffin and us dining and dashing to avoid the whole cleanup situation!

Afterwards, I took the baby to the Long Beach aquarium, which I've been wanting to do forever, and had promised my mother-in-law that I'd wait for her to go along with us. I decided to lie to her, because honestly, if I were to wait to go with her, I'd be waiting until the baby turns 18 since she basically works every Sunday.

Another reason I went without her was to follow my parent's advice -- I have to start separating myself from her a little bit, because even though she' s my friend, it's just better this way when a divorce is involved and my ex is STILL living with her.

Another reason - I want to start spending my free sundays taking the baby to different places - there is so much in this area to explore and he's at a good age for doing it.

The aquaruim was fun, but I think we both would have enjoyed it more if it hadn't been so dadgummed crowded! The baby just LOVED looking at the fish, looking at other babies, and he had THE time of his life splashing around in the pool with stingrays. Managing to get him away from the pool while he was soaking wet, screaming his head off, and trying to navigate a stroller through the crowds was a major feat of strength. I could definitely have used a grandma around to help out, but I managed it, and had a pretty good time.

A woman looked at me at some point and said, "yikes, you're doing it by yourself, I take my hat off to you!" This was mid-tantrum, trying to get on an elevator and I wasn't really having it at that point! The baby ended up in major tears in the changing room and started foaming at the mouth because he was so upset ... it was one of those moments where I just had to let go and deal with it second by second. And you know what, I did, the baby calmed down, and all was ok.

The cutest part was bonding in the restroom with other mommies ... I don't usually see other mommies at all, so it was nice to share the experience and having people say "Happy Mother's Day" meant more than anything to me.

There were times I wished I had a husband with me, but you know, if we were still together, I would probably still be doing it on my own. There were so many things he promised we'd do, but never ended up doing. I always went hiking, went dancing with other people, but never with him! What's the point!

Calming down ...

As the week goes by, I'm finding that my anger has subsided signifcantly. However, I'm still extremely nervous and scared about dealing with the divorce summons and preparing myself for the fight ahead.

It's stomach-churning - it really is - and I so desperately wish I could just wave a wand and make it go away. I mean, it's only ME and I'm up against a lawyer and a stupid Homer Simpson-ish man.

I guess this is one of those life lessons where you realize you just have to DO and deal with, because that's what life IS all about - just dealing with stuff, because you can't just run and hide. What I've learned in the past is that even though you want to just curl up in a ball and keep things out of sight and out of mind. But, the problem with that is the things you're trying to avoid just never go away until you confront them. It's the truth.

So, I have to do what I have to do. And even though I am up against a seemingly impassable wall, I do have a strong legion of supporters behind me, which, when you're doing this, makes all the difference in the world.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!, part II

I realized I used this title before, but it is so apt for how I am feeling right now.

After forgetting it at home for a couple of days, I brought the divorce papers to work to look through more thoroughly. I work in a cubicle so I can't be too loud, but I am silently mouthing "lie!", "lie!", "b.s.!" to so many points that are in these papers.

The man is SO ridiculous and I don't know how much of it is HIM and how much of it is his lawyer. It smacks of ignorance, which is him in a nutshell, so I'm pretty sure he just spouted things out. Although, I am extremely surprised he remembered our wedding date. Maybe his mom told him?

The other thing that works up my ire is the stuff he's declaring in these papers - that he only makes $1500 a month and has to pay $1000 rent (lie), and has $2800 in expenses. Also, he's not telling his mom, step-dad, and me the truth because it declares that he DEFINITELY paid the lawyer $3500.

My God, what a dumb fuck. Another reminder that I have a long, long battle ahead of me and I better put my fighting cap on starting NOW. Jeebus.

Marriage is BS -- I didn't get married so I could go through this crap at the end.

What's going down ...

Well, apparently nothing new, except I've seemingly inherited the duties of the admin who was just fired. The situation with my boss is the same... I gave her an enthusiastic "HI!" this morning, only to get a curt "Hi", back. Oh, well.

My work peeps that I've consulted with think that I'm overreacting, and one commented that the distance between me and my boss has to do with my personal stress - I can't be her right hand person, so she doesn't count on me. Still, it's just ... weird.

I took the step of jotting down ideas for my resume, and I'll work on it a little more tonight. The onus is on me to make changes, because if I don't no one else will.

Yesterday I spoke with my ex during my Sunday morning walk with the baby and the conversation just helped cement that I'm doing the right thing. After all the asswipe things he's done - paying for a lawyer and not helping me out at all not withstanding - he started turning on his "charm" and started saying "I love you".

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.................... NO! He kept asking to go out with me and the baby to lunch, to anything, but I finally told him ... I just don't LIKE you anymore.

He's changed "career"/study plans yet AGAIN and he's going to be in school for 2-5 more years ... it just frustrates me to no end that he just doesn't GET it ... he doesn't have the capacity to be a functioning adult, and the way he is, why should I let him get extended visitation of the baby? His mom and mine had a conversation where she pretty much admitted as much.

The one thing I have to silently thank p.h. for is the confidence boost he's given to me -- I finally KNOW that even though he may not be the right one, there ARE good fish in the sea and YES, that DECENT men exist. He's attracted to me and I'm attracted to him, for his character and perhaps just because he's into me.

A PSA, from the workplace

Prince Charming is extremely unphotogenic. That's all.

Unbelievably ... bummed ....

I must have known today was the day, because why else did I answer the door? I did, for a second, think it was Oliver the landlord, but the divorce was on my mind all day otherwise.

Today I was served divorce papers. I am upset, bummed, and enraged. Yes, I know it's over and YES, I want it to be over but ...

1. No warning at all? Damn, that stings.
2. How the hell does the ex have money for a damned lawyer and he gave me a hard time continually for me asking for help with the baby bills and I ended up paying all $5000+ of it. and am still paying for it.
3. I fucking hate his guts and I hate the fact that he lives with his mom, rent and responsibility free and then has the fucking nerve to ask for crazy visitation? Fuck him. I really can't afford a lawyer - my job is in jeopardy. What the fuck do I do now?
4. There's no way he's ever getting that visitation
5. He gets away with it ... all the irresponsibility ... and I hate it.

Please, please, please, let there be a sign that there is a happily ever after in store for me and the baby. I have to have something to believe.

I've managed to scare everyone ... mother in law, my parents, step father in law. They want me to answer my ex's calls, but when I called him 3 times after being served, he didn't have the common decency to pick up. Apparently he was on a "very important call".

Naturally. Precicely.

Everything except me and the baby was extremely important when we were together.

I'm offically scared ...

I checked my work email right now and found out that another admin at my job was fired. I'm not totally sure she was fired, but the memo says today was her last day and she was here this morning and then not a peep from her this afternoon, which leads me to conclude that she got the boot.

She had my position for a different magazine, and I know she was looking for another job, since we would commisserate on our job stress, but I had no idea if she'd found one or what. My boss is her boss's boss, so just that alone scares me.

Even though I'm not happy at work, I still need the income (or else), so it scares me that my job could be on the line, especially considering how my boss acts towards me.

It's not just that I'm not part of the popular clique, it's that she's completely disregarding me. She walks by my desk, glances, and then marches away. Our communication is limited to smoke signals and emails. Recently, everyone's desk moved except for mine. I'm not in siberia or anything, I'm just not close to my boss's office, and everyone else has their assistant right by their desk.

So, here are reasons why I could be fired:
1. Never talk to boss anymore
2. She straight up asked me when I was planning on finding a new job when I came back from maternity leave
3. She confronted me on my distance about a month ago
4. The desk situation - I'm pretty much separated from everyone else
5. An email was sent out about a month ago to the whole staff by my boss and she excluded me - like I didn't even exist. That was very telling.
6. My boss outsources some things I used to do to her sister in Chicago.

Here are reasons I wouldn't be fired:
1. I do a lot of things that would be overlooked if I weren't there
2. When I was on maternity leave, all the things I usually do weren't done whatsoever.
3. Someone who worked for our magazine for 6 years was the worst employee ever and they didn't fire her, just let her go, and now she' s been fired from 5 other jobs.

Oh, it's just so nervewracking. I am so scared right now -- my mom says I should see the opportunity out of all of this, but I don't want to be fired. I just don't know what to do.

A psychic, a phone call, and a SF hotel

The first time I had a consultation with a psychic was about 8 years ago, when I was deeply embroiled in the radio man contoversy. She had come to be on the air at my radio station and I took her number for a reading.

So, I called her one Friday evening from a pay phone at the San Francisco Hilton, and she did a tarot reading for me, using 12 deep breaths from me as a way to psychically connect. Looking back, she was more of a psychologist than a psychic, but I did take away a couple of life lessons that I still think about, so I guess it was worth the fee.

What she said about my boy craziness of the time is that my flirtation with radio man's assistant lifted me up ... it might not have been anything serious, but it was an ego boost.

In a muddle...

Ah, I'm a victim of getting ahead of myself, today. I have a tendency of making things, either good or bad, bigger than what they actually are, and that's what's happened. At the moment, I'm not dissapointed, nor do I have cause to be, I'm just ... embarrassed!

In an unrelated subject, lately, I've been running situations from my marriage through my mind ... the sad memories come up, making me sad/angry/upset all over again. "Oh, you're just feebleminded, and I accept you for that." That's something the ex used to love to say -- my gut reaction is feeling my stomach sinking, and the beginnings of tears. "I'm NOT feeble minded!", I would instinctually counter, only to have him say, "Oh,sure, go ahead and think that."

Part of me still wants to have the last word, to be able to hear from him, truthfully, that I'm not all the negative things he said I was -- I'm not an idiot, I'm not weak, I'm not uncoordinated, and I'm most definitely not feeble-minded. I'm breaking my heart all over again, and it's not good. He's not around to make me feel bad anymore, so why should I keep doing it?

Well, the problem is, there isn't closure, and the other problem is that there won't be -- I just have to give into it and let it BE ... and move on fully.

Yesterday I was chatting with a coworker who went through a similar situation years ago and it does my heart good to hear her words of encouragement and to see her success story. It helps me tremendously, and gives me hope for the future. There is HOPE and there is LIGHT. Love prevails, and I have to learn to love myself all over again and know that I DO deserve the best ... I DO deserve the good life.

Like with my adventures in car buying -- when I'm driving to work, I take an inventory of the different cars around me and sometimes shirk from the cars that secretly I would like to have, and convince myself that I'm not good enough for them.

Says who????? Who's judged me and decided that I don't deserve what I really want? The only one who can judge me is above me, and from what I know, there aren't really any set preconditions to how I have to live my life. None.

That's it in a nutshell. On one hand, I can see the light ahead of me and it shines so brightly. On the other hand, it seems impossible and I can't understand why it's taking so long to get there.

Canta y no llores ....

My relationship with my parents is in a good place. Despite a brief blip a few months ago, when my father pulled out his crazy hat again for a day, we're on somewhat normal terms and generally get along.

However, every once in a while, they like to throw a couple zingers out there, such as "You shouldn't have rejected radio man's asssitant" (great), and possibly the most painful, "You should never have left ABC radio."

Sigh ... that is the albatross around my neck, the job that I let get away and they'll never let me forget it. Perhaps they were right, but the truth is, I was completely miserable at that job. I was a sales assistant to a group of about 7 wound-up sales people and was under the shadow of a coworker who was infinitely more of a kiss up than me.

I can kiss up with the best of them, but I do have my limits - for example, I would never hand make Christmas presents for the entire 100+ people staff, which is exactly what she did. She made cookies for everyone, and the packaging was more elaborate depending on how higher up on the food chain you were. Nuts, I tell you!

I remember being in the bathroom with her one day, telling her how I wanted to bail and go to grad school (which I ended up doing) and stated, with vigor, "I don't want to be a secretary forever!", and her response was, "Well, ya gotta start somewhere!"

Let's see, it's been about 5 years. Doubtless she's been promoted to something glamorous and wonderful. And I'm still a secretary.

What it's taken me this long to realize and what I was experiencing at that job is that I don't like being considered a piss-ant. I like being in charge - I want to be the one looked up to, instead of being the one everyone looks down on. My ego is, after all, fragile, and yes, I am working on this.

My list for future jobs is coming together ... I know what I'm capable of and I'm trying to figure out how to market myself. I kind of see myself being a project coordinator. Let's see how this all comes together.