It's time, it's time ... after talking with my mother-in-law yesterday, she convinced me to do it. First of all, I never liked my tv in the first place. I inherited it from my ex, who brought it as a souvenier from his first marriage. It was a gift from his ex-inlaws.
I've always hated it! It's hideious, it's huge, and it's so not my style. He took away my little vcr/tv combo that I loved and brought home this monstrosity one day.
Aside from being ginormous and soon-to-be outdated, it's somewhat dangerous to have it around the baby as it's perched on a table my ex-and I got at an antique store (2 tables for $7 - I really should have saved the $7) and who knows how safe it is around the baby.
My mother-in-law and I were talking about changing - she's been excited to see all the things I've done around the house and hates the tv as much as I do, for aesthetic and safety reasons. Seems her 84 year old mom needed a new tv, so she went and is now a high-tech grandma with a flat screen tv. So, you know, if she can do it, so can I.
Also, it will be soooooooooo good and such a relief to be out with the old and in with the new, finally. I need this change in a bad way - cutting off the last vestige of my ex and his past relationship history. Why should I have to live with his relationship past, when he's not even willing to do so?
Monday, April 28, 2008
Prince ...
... charming, schmarming. You know, I don't really care anymore. After a glorious weekend with my baby and our family members, I just know deep in my hear that he's all I need for right now.
Maybe it's a bit of the heat exhaustion getting to me, but I don't care about anything else. What I've known for a while and how I've acted for a while is that I am the one who is going to have to figure out my own life - I can't leave that to the hands of anyone else.
While at my my mother-in-laws house I passed my ex's room and saw a wrapped gift. I was furious for couple of seconds - that's just like him, I thought, to have his mom wrap a gift for some girl. Maybe for a teacher, but definitely for some girl. I was really starting to get upset, then I went in the room and saw it was an Orthodox Easter present from his grandmother.
Clearly, I still have to work on some of my issues, namely the "I don't care, let someone else deal with his crap" issues. But, you know what, it's still hard, it's still going to take some time. I still feel lonely and miss having a husband, having a semblance of a family, and I felt that very intensly yesterday morning when I was on my Sunday morning walk with the baby.
We were at a shopping plaza that my ex and I used to walk to all the time -- it was our place, and for some moments, I kept looking around for him, thinking he should have been with us to complete the picture.
But you know what - even if we WERE still a couple, he wouldn't have been on that walk with me early on a Sunday morning -- he never woke up past 2 pm, given his tendency to keep owl hours -- up all night and sleep all day.
His presence is wearing on my father-in-law, his step-father. I can't offer apologies, and feel bad for telling him how great my life is now without my ex constantly belittling me.
I have my Sunday night routine down PAT and it works really well for me. It's when I do the bulk of my weekly cooking and get myself ready for the week ahead. It's almost a meditiation time, and while I was shredding the cheese for my spinach/brocolli quiche, I prayed and prayed and prayed to God for a real family, asking him to please bring the man to my life who wants a family as much as I do, and wants to be in a family as much as I do.
My parents live in a wealthy area of orange county with lots of young families. I used to scoff at their stepford ways, but now, I look at them with admiration - I want to know how they do it, because I want that to be me.
I've viewed myself as a single for most of my life, even throughout my marriage, simply because my husband wasn't a willing participant, but what I really want, more than anything, is to be part of a family unit. I want a home, I want a partner, I want to be able to support my children and give them a well-provided life. I have to remind myself that I deserve it, because really, I do.
Maybe it's a bit of the heat exhaustion getting to me, but I don't care about anything else. What I've known for a while and how I've acted for a while is that I am the one who is going to have to figure out my own life - I can't leave that to the hands of anyone else.
While at my my mother-in-laws house I passed my ex's room and saw a wrapped gift. I was furious for couple of seconds - that's just like him, I thought, to have his mom wrap a gift for some girl. Maybe for a teacher, but definitely for some girl. I was really starting to get upset, then I went in the room and saw it was an Orthodox Easter present from his grandmother.
Clearly, I still have to work on some of my issues, namely the "I don't care, let someone else deal with his crap" issues. But, you know what, it's still hard, it's still going to take some time. I still feel lonely and miss having a husband, having a semblance of a family, and I felt that very intensly yesterday morning when I was on my Sunday morning walk with the baby.
We were at a shopping plaza that my ex and I used to walk to all the time -- it was our place, and for some moments, I kept looking around for him, thinking he should have been with us to complete the picture.
But you know what - even if we WERE still a couple, he wouldn't have been on that walk with me early on a Sunday morning -- he never woke up past 2 pm, given his tendency to keep owl hours -- up all night and sleep all day.
His presence is wearing on my father-in-law, his step-father. I can't offer apologies, and feel bad for telling him how great my life is now without my ex constantly belittling me.
I have my Sunday night routine down PAT and it works really well for me. It's when I do the bulk of my weekly cooking and get myself ready for the week ahead. It's almost a meditiation time, and while I was shredding the cheese for my spinach/brocolli quiche, I prayed and prayed and prayed to God for a real family, asking him to please bring the man to my life who wants a family as much as I do, and wants to be in a family as much as I do.
My parents live in a wealthy area of orange county with lots of young families. I used to scoff at their stepford ways, but now, I look at them with admiration - I want to know how they do it, because I want that to be me.
I've viewed myself as a single for most of my life, even throughout my marriage, simply because my husband wasn't a willing participant, but what I really want, more than anything, is to be part of a family unit. I want a home, I want a partner, I want to be able to support my children and give them a well-provided life. I have to remind myself that I deserve it, because really, I do.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Back to my roots ...
Yesterday, I took a road trip to my graduate school, and leapt over a hurdle that will take me that much closer to my masters degree. The degree is a definite, I just have to put a few more months of work into it, and it will be in my name by my 30th birthday, or somewhere around it.
It's a nice accomplishment to have -- I did it -- got my BA at age 20 and now a MA at 30. Maybe I should aim for a degree of decade?
When I was interviewing for this job, my boss made a big deal about it - like, why would someone with my education want this shit job? She was right, really. Now that I have an MA, I need to work on my S.E. - self-esteem.
While at my school, I found out a few people in my classes are just finishing or had just finished recently - one in particular was an internet dating compadre. What was it about internet dating 3 years ago??? Geesh??? Turns out she got married and divorced in the same time and just finished with her MA yesterday. I wish I could get back in contact with her somehow - her email doesn't work anymore - should have asked my professor for her new email so we could compare notes.
She was very encouraging of me to try out for Channel One -- instead, I followed my lust and ended up here. I think I was supposed to be here, but I wonder what if, sometimes.
It's a nice accomplishment to have -- I did it -- got my BA at age 20 and now a MA at 30. Maybe I should aim for a degree of decade?
When I was interviewing for this job, my boss made a big deal about it - like, why would someone with my education want this shit job? She was right, really. Now that I have an MA, I need to work on my S.E. - self-esteem.
While at my school, I found out a few people in my classes are just finishing or had just finished recently - one in particular was an internet dating compadre. What was it about internet dating 3 years ago??? Geesh??? Turns out she got married and divorced in the same time and just finished with her MA yesterday. I wish I could get back in contact with her somehow - her email doesn't work anymore - should have asked my professor for her new email so we could compare notes.
She was very encouraging of me to try out for Channel One -- instead, I followed my lust and ended up here. I think I was supposed to be here, but I wonder what if, sometimes.
I figured it out...
While talking to a coworker about feng shui, we discovered that my cubicle at work is situated in what is probably one of the worst possible areas.
I'm right in the middle of a "T", which is where everyone's energy enters. It explains why I get so tense and nervous at work and have never felt comfortable here. I'm located at the end of a hallway by the bathrooms, so everyone sees me on their way to the restroom or wherever.
Another explanation? The job is crap! Hah! No, really, I believe in the feng shui theory -- the fact that everyone can see me is bothersome and keeps me on my toes all day long and often, like right now, I work with a low-grade headache throughout the day that disappears when I leave work.
I'm right in the middle of a "T", which is where everyone's energy enters. It explains why I get so tense and nervous at work and have never felt comfortable here. I'm located at the end of a hallway by the bathrooms, so everyone sees me on their way to the restroom or wherever.
Another explanation? The job is crap! Hah! No, really, I believe in the feng shui theory -- the fact that everyone can see me is bothersome and keeps me on my toes all day long and often, like right now, I work with a low-grade headache throughout the day that disappears when I leave work.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I'm trying ...
Just trying to keep my head on straight while dealing with the work rejection.
As I've said before, rejection plain old HURTS ... be it at home, or at work, and I've been rejected at both places in recent times.
I have to believe that this bodes well for the future, that the rejection is a sign of better things to come - rid myself of situations that aren't working to make room for ones that will.
Speaking of better things, I have to acknowledge someone in my life (besides my baby) who's brought smiles back to my life. He's a coworker, and slightly reminiscent of radio man's colleague in that he admires me in a way unlike my relationship with my ex or radio man. What I mean to say is that it's not a matter of me desperately vying for the attention of my ex or radio man, there's no work for me to do.
Bah, I'm not even saying it right - ok, how about this -- I enjoy a good flirtation when I'm the one in control of it. Ok, that doesn't even make sense. Geesh. Whatever ... I like flirting with him because it lifts my spirits and it's flirting that is appreciated and reciprocated, and in a situation that has been rare in my life, I'm the one in control and I'm not worried about the tenuous feelings of my ex.
Nothing wrong with a little innocent flirting!
As I've said before, rejection plain old HURTS ... be it at home, or at work, and I've been rejected at both places in recent times.
I have to believe that this bodes well for the future, that the rejection is a sign of better things to come - rid myself of situations that aren't working to make room for ones that will.
Speaking of better things, I have to acknowledge someone in my life (besides my baby) who's brought smiles back to my life. He's a coworker, and slightly reminiscent of radio man's colleague in that he admires me in a way unlike my relationship with my ex or radio man. What I mean to say is that it's not a matter of me desperately vying for the attention of my ex or radio man, there's no work for me to do.
Bah, I'm not even saying it right - ok, how about this -- I enjoy a good flirtation when I'm the one in control of it. Ok, that doesn't even make sense. Geesh. Whatever ... I like flirting with him because it lifts my spirits and it's flirting that is appreciated and reciprocated, and in a situation that has been rare in my life, I'm the one in control and I'm not worried about the tenuous feelings of my ex.
Nothing wrong with a little innocent flirting!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Noble Cause ...
I have a sweet co-worker who sits next to me who tries to cheer me up and engage me in conversation, since my chief complaint is that I feel left out of everything. It's a noble cause, but the fight isn't worth fighting. I'm resolved more than ever that I need to get a move on for many reasons.
This job is unusual - people have bonded, and I even met one of my best friends here. It's a deceptive comfort, though. I always said, from past experience, that you shouldn't befriend your co-workers, but as I was thinking today, why not -- you spend more time with these people than anything?
Well, I guess it's because it's a false sense of comfort - especially if you're not so happy with what you're doing. I guess in my next venture, I should seek a place where I fit in and also where I'm happy with what I'm doing.
Writing a list of what I'm looking for has always worked well for me in the past - I need to get to it again.
This job is unusual - people have bonded, and I even met one of my best friends here. It's a deceptive comfort, though. I always said, from past experience, that you shouldn't befriend your co-workers, but as I was thinking today, why not -- you spend more time with these people than anything?
Well, I guess it's because it's a false sense of comfort - especially if you're not so happy with what you're doing. I guess in my next venture, I should seek a place where I fit in and also where I'm happy with what I'm doing.
Writing a list of what I'm looking for has always worked well for me in the past - I need to get to it again.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Chills....
While looking for my last resume, I stumbled upon some old emails from around the first breakup. Very heartbreaking to read them again because I can see the non-emotion coming from my ex right before he broke up with me, and then again, his attempt to reconnect right before he came back. I know I had to go through with it, and now I can say I know better. this email from my ex's estranged sister ... she was right all along:
I'm sorry to hear about the divorce, but in a way it's very fortunate for you. Despite ex's academic achievements, which function more as a smokescreen than as a sign of true intelligence or maturity on his part, he has by and large been a failure financially, emotionally (e.g., in relationships and in self-reflection), and psychologically throughout his adult life; this is why I have shunned him for some time.He has never respected women. In particular, his disrespect for you (e.g., by calling you "Tubs") disgusted me, and I have confronted him about the "Tubs" nickname more than once. He is emotionally abusive at the very least, and because he is so unbalanced he has the capacity for physical abuse. You should not have to change yourself to please him; he has accomplished almost nothing in his career and is a disaster financially and emotionally. In his previous two relationships (his first marriage, and a long-term relationship before that), he lived off of the girls' parents; this time, he mooched off of his own father because your parents were not going for it. In short, he is simply incapable of many of the basic responsibilities of being an adult.Therefore, count yourself lucky that you did not have children with him; surely, any children he brings into this world will be a mess. He cannot take care of himself, let alone others, and has only survived over the past few years due to our father's generosity (and, as I mentioned, on his ex-girlfriend's and first wife's parents' generosity before that). He bullshits a lot, is evasive and secretive, is a compulsive (and not very good) liar, is very cheap unless he is spending someone else's money, is a taker who is unable to give back to people, and relentlessly picks apart other people to avoid looking at himself. As two examples of the latter, (1) he is chemically unbalanced (look at his compulsive behavior and inability to stick with anything for a long period of time), so he should not be saying the same about you without looking at himself first; and (2) considering that he is short, bald, and shaped like a sausage, I am surprised that he criticized you for your weight. If it bothers him so much, he did not have to start a relationship with you. Regardless, belittling you to change yourself in order to please him is abusive and unfair behavior, especially considering that he has done so little to improve himself. He comes off as a control freak who refuses to listen to others or engage in the give and take of a normal conversation (or, for that matter, a normal relationship). He cannot get along with a situation unless he can dominate it and be the "star," which most people find repugnant.I can understand if you feel like you should try to make amends with him; I'm sure that you tried very hard to make this marriage work and want to see it succeed. Also, sometimes, from the point of view of a bad relationship, other people's perspectives can seem hard to understand. But please trust me: he is seen as obnoxious and irritating (*not* charming) by most people; he completely lacks social graces and the ability to make a functional, loving relationship; his behavior toward you has disgusted his entire family; and he is certainly *not* a "catch." Better to throw this one back!
I'm sorry to hear about the divorce, but in a way it's very fortunate for you. Despite ex's academic achievements, which function more as a smokescreen than as a sign of true intelligence or maturity on his part, he has by and large been a failure financially, emotionally (e.g., in relationships and in self-reflection), and psychologically throughout his adult life; this is why I have shunned him for some time.He has never respected women. In particular, his disrespect for you (e.g., by calling you "Tubs") disgusted me, and I have confronted him about the "Tubs" nickname more than once. He is emotionally abusive at the very least, and because he is so unbalanced he has the capacity for physical abuse. You should not have to change yourself to please him; he has accomplished almost nothing in his career and is a disaster financially and emotionally. In his previous two relationships (his first marriage, and a long-term relationship before that), he lived off of the girls' parents; this time, he mooched off of his own father because your parents were not going for it. In short, he is simply incapable of many of the basic responsibilities of being an adult.Therefore, count yourself lucky that you did not have children with him; surely, any children he brings into this world will be a mess. He cannot take care of himself, let alone others, and has only survived over the past few years due to our father's generosity (and, as I mentioned, on his ex-girlfriend's and first wife's parents' generosity before that). He bullshits a lot, is evasive and secretive, is a compulsive (and not very good) liar, is very cheap unless he is spending someone else's money, is a taker who is unable to give back to people, and relentlessly picks apart other people to avoid looking at himself. As two examples of the latter, (1) he is chemically unbalanced (look at his compulsive behavior and inability to stick with anything for a long period of time), so he should not be saying the same about you without looking at himself first; and (2) considering that he is short, bald, and shaped like a sausage, I am surprised that he criticized you for your weight. If it bothers him so much, he did not have to start a relationship with you. Regardless, belittling you to change yourself in order to please him is abusive and unfair behavior, especially considering that he has done so little to improve himself. He comes off as a control freak who refuses to listen to others or engage in the give and take of a normal conversation (or, for that matter, a normal relationship). He cannot get along with a situation unless he can dominate it and be the "star," which most people find repugnant.I can understand if you feel like you should try to make amends with him; I'm sure that you tried very hard to make this marriage work and want to see it succeed. Also, sometimes, from the point of view of a bad relationship, other people's perspectives can seem hard to understand. But please trust me: he is seen as obnoxious and irritating (*not* charming) by most people; he completely lacks social graces and the ability to make a functional, loving relationship; his behavior toward you has disgusted his entire family; and he is certainly *not* a "catch." Better to throw this one back!
Decisions...
Well, the fact that I walk into work and am immediately ignored is something that is making my decision to make a decision a little bit easier.
It's demoralizing and come to the point where I just don't give a rat's ass anymore, to put it bluntly. I mean, literally, I am ignored. And, to boot, I've never had a boss who's straight up asked me when I'm planning on leaving and what exactly is it that I do? If my own boss doesn't know what I do, it's not a good sign!
Ugh... there are many benefits of staying here, but the longer I'm here, the shorter my life is becoming. I am scared about making this change more than anything, but what I know deep in my heart is that I MUST do it. MUST.
It's demoralizing and come to the point where I just don't give a rat's ass anymore, to put it bluntly. I mean, literally, I am ignored. And, to boot, I've never had a boss who's straight up asked me when I'm planning on leaving and what exactly is it that I do? If my own boss doesn't know what I do, it's not a good sign!
Ugh... there are many benefits of staying here, but the longer I'm here, the shorter my life is becoming. I am scared about making this change more than anything, but what I know deep in my heart is that I MUST do it. MUST.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Is it true ...
... that cheaters never win?
I'm not so sure about that. In consideration of past experience, what I've seen is that cheaters don't necessarily lose and often get away with it and end up living their lives with nothing seemingly dooming them to a sad life of misery.
As a scorpio, I have an intense need for justice - I really hate it when things are unbalanced and anyone is left the odd person out. In that vein, I have an extremely high disregard for people who cheat on their spouses, which explains why I was so lukewarm toward my ex when we got back together. I think it's wrong and I don't like dealing with it. Being on the other end of a cheating spouse really, really hurts.
When I worked in radio supporting a sales staff, there was one guy who was one of the biggest, sleaziest cheaters ever on his wife and two young kids. One day his wife called to see how he was doing -- he'd called in earlier saying he was sick. Apparently, that was news to his wife, who was obviously in major shock. I felt TERRIBLE and could feel her pain through the phone - what an awkward situation to be in. Yeesh.
Lately I've gotten into contact with some long, lost friends through myspace -- one was an ex-coworker and I saw a photo of another ex-coworker who had been a close friend, but I'd cut-off after being mistreated by her and watching her cheat on her spouse. Apparently, she's living happily ever after with the man she cheated on her then-husband with and even had another baby.
Back in the days when we worked together and I had lower self-esteem and fewer life experiences, she used me as her sounding board for her failing marriage. She and her husband weren't getting along and she was having a hard time deciding what to do. "But he's the father of my child", she would often say in despair.
She did have quite the personality and used me on a few occasions to see if certain men were interested in her on the premise that she was setting me up with them. Now THAT hurt ... at the time I was really lonely and still getting over radio man (my tacit non-relationship of a few years) and to have someone play with my emotions that way really, really got to my last nerves. I wonder if she can even imagine how much it hurt to go out on a date with someone that you sincerely think is interested in you, only to have them talk about your friend the whole time. AAARGH .... Oh, her and her stupid set ups. I went on many a stupid date on her behalf.
While she was married, she put up profiles on dating networks and started chatting on chat rooms for married people, which is where she met her main flame -- he was married too, just as miserable in his marriage. One thing led to another, and at that point, I gave her the silent treatment while she went about her new relationship while still being married and while he was still married.
Like my mom says, things have to be done the RIGHT way ... break up with your spouse first and then do what you got to do. I have nothing against that ... it's just that when I see manipulation happening that I really get upset.
Well, I guess these cheaters ended up winning. What's right and what's wrong? I just don't know anymore.
I'm not so sure about that. In consideration of past experience, what I've seen is that cheaters don't necessarily lose and often get away with it and end up living their lives with nothing seemingly dooming them to a sad life of misery.
As a scorpio, I have an intense need for justice - I really hate it when things are unbalanced and anyone is left the odd person out. In that vein, I have an extremely high disregard for people who cheat on their spouses, which explains why I was so lukewarm toward my ex when we got back together. I think it's wrong and I don't like dealing with it. Being on the other end of a cheating spouse really, really hurts.
When I worked in radio supporting a sales staff, there was one guy who was one of the biggest, sleaziest cheaters ever on his wife and two young kids. One day his wife called to see how he was doing -- he'd called in earlier saying he was sick. Apparently, that was news to his wife, who was obviously in major shock. I felt TERRIBLE and could feel her pain through the phone - what an awkward situation to be in. Yeesh.
Lately I've gotten into contact with some long, lost friends through myspace -- one was an ex-coworker and I saw a photo of another ex-coworker who had been a close friend, but I'd cut-off after being mistreated by her and watching her cheat on her spouse. Apparently, she's living happily ever after with the man she cheated on her then-husband with and even had another baby.
Back in the days when we worked together and I had lower self-esteem and fewer life experiences, she used me as her sounding board for her failing marriage. She and her husband weren't getting along and she was having a hard time deciding what to do. "But he's the father of my child", she would often say in despair.
She did have quite the personality and used me on a few occasions to see if certain men were interested in her on the premise that she was setting me up with them. Now THAT hurt ... at the time I was really lonely and still getting over radio man (my tacit non-relationship of a few years) and to have someone play with my emotions that way really, really got to my last nerves. I wonder if she can even imagine how much it hurt to go out on a date with someone that you sincerely think is interested in you, only to have them talk about your friend the whole time. AAARGH .... Oh, her and her stupid set ups. I went on many a stupid date on her behalf.
While she was married, she put up profiles on dating networks and started chatting on chat rooms for married people, which is where she met her main flame -- he was married too, just as miserable in his marriage. One thing led to another, and at that point, I gave her the silent treatment while she went about her new relationship while still being married and while he was still married.
Like my mom says, things have to be done the RIGHT way ... break up with your spouse first and then do what you got to do. I have nothing against that ... it's just that when I see manipulation happening that I really get upset.
Well, I guess these cheaters ended up winning. What's right and what's wrong? I just don't know anymore.
Phew...
Recovering from another whirlwhind weekend at work! One thing I'll miss about this job, when it's my time to leave, is the large amount of downtime that allows me to blog, catch up on internet celebrity gossip, and basically be the lazy bum I can't be at work.
As fun as it can be, it also contributes to the huge guilt trip that's plaguing my life when I'm not with the baby. I'm providing for him, yes, but it feels like this isn't real work and I'm not trying as hard as I should and what I should be doing is making a lot more money to provide him a better life.
Ay .... Well, one of the good things that came out of the weekend was realizing that I want to give his little corner of the room we share a Disneyland theme. I'm going to buy prints of old Disneyland posters and frame them for him -- too bad I can't paint, because it would look really cute on a green background!
On my list of things to buy is a digital SLR camera -- I'm discovering my photo taking skills and although my little point-and-shoot is fabulous, I am desperate for more! After I get the tv stand, new tv (maybe), kid furniture, and washer and dryer, that's next on my list.
I'm doing good with my spending, even though my old shopping alter ego briefly broke out around tax rebate time, and as good as I am, it's hard to save money. It just is - gas, plus groceries really puts me out, and it's not like I'm buying piles of junk, I'm buying good, nutritious food that I prepare. I rarely eat out, and when I do, I feel guilty for doing it when I have all kinds of food at home, even though I do it on the weekends and I rarely have time to eat in on the weekends. Yes, the persian in me has officially kicked in. Persian is another word for CHEAP, by the way.
Yesterday we had a very nice visit with the baby's great-grandparents. His great-grandma is a neat lady and I will truly miss her when her time on earth is gone. She totally understands the situation with my ex for what it is (i.e., he's being enable to be a bum), which is a relief in many ways. I love going to her house and looking at all the pictures of the relatives -- it's really cool to see the baby's ancestors and I have to make sure to photograph them eventually.
I saw a photo of my mother-in-law and HER ex (my ex's dad) in their youth and 3 things became apparent: 1. She was unbelievably gorgeous in her youth - put certain supermodels to shame; 2. Age hit her like a mack truck, and she has dealt with it incredibly well; 3. Stupidity clearly runs in my ex's family.
My father-in-law set the precedent for treating women badly - from what I heard, he was just as mean to my mother-in-law as my ex was to me, perhaps even worse because he had a parade of girlfriends during their marriage. He would frequently tell her that she was ugly, that she was fat, that she was no good. Um ... yeah ... let me tell you, even if I hadn't seen a photo of her glamourous youth, I can tell you that she is anything BUT.
She did find her prince -- she remarried later and is very happy now. She's happier than she's ever been and has everything she would never have had if she'd stayed married to her ex.
I can't explain my ex's or his father's stupidity. They both were raised in loving environments and never lacked for anything. Is it something in their minds? They're both brilliant in ways that don't translate well to social situations -- perhaps they're on the autism spectrum? I can't think of any other way to explain it.
Anyway, on to another story, we learned a lesson the hard way -- the baby isn't quite ready to chomp on bread yet!!!! Eeep! He's fine and all is well, but what a scare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like the worst mom in the world ... :(
As fun as it can be, it also contributes to the huge guilt trip that's plaguing my life when I'm not with the baby. I'm providing for him, yes, but it feels like this isn't real work and I'm not trying as hard as I should and what I should be doing is making a lot more money to provide him a better life.
Ay .... Well, one of the good things that came out of the weekend was realizing that I want to give his little corner of the room we share a Disneyland theme. I'm going to buy prints of old Disneyland posters and frame them for him -- too bad I can't paint, because it would look really cute on a green background!
On my list of things to buy is a digital SLR camera -- I'm discovering my photo taking skills and although my little point-and-shoot is fabulous, I am desperate for more! After I get the tv stand, new tv (maybe), kid furniture, and washer and dryer, that's next on my list.
I'm doing good with my spending, even though my old shopping alter ego briefly broke out around tax rebate time, and as good as I am, it's hard to save money. It just is - gas, plus groceries really puts me out, and it's not like I'm buying piles of junk, I'm buying good, nutritious food that I prepare. I rarely eat out, and when I do, I feel guilty for doing it when I have all kinds of food at home, even though I do it on the weekends and I rarely have time to eat in on the weekends. Yes, the persian in me has officially kicked in. Persian is another word for CHEAP, by the way.
Yesterday we had a very nice visit with the baby's great-grandparents. His great-grandma is a neat lady and I will truly miss her when her time on earth is gone. She totally understands the situation with my ex for what it is (i.e., he's being enable to be a bum), which is a relief in many ways. I love going to her house and looking at all the pictures of the relatives -- it's really cool to see the baby's ancestors and I have to make sure to photograph them eventually.
I saw a photo of my mother-in-law and HER ex (my ex's dad) in their youth and 3 things became apparent: 1. She was unbelievably gorgeous in her youth - put certain supermodels to shame; 2. Age hit her like a mack truck, and she has dealt with it incredibly well; 3. Stupidity clearly runs in my ex's family.
My father-in-law set the precedent for treating women badly - from what I heard, he was just as mean to my mother-in-law as my ex was to me, perhaps even worse because he had a parade of girlfriends during their marriage. He would frequently tell her that she was ugly, that she was fat, that she was no good. Um ... yeah ... let me tell you, even if I hadn't seen a photo of her glamourous youth, I can tell you that she is anything BUT.
She did find her prince -- she remarried later and is very happy now. She's happier than she's ever been and has everything she would never have had if she'd stayed married to her ex.
I can't explain my ex's or his father's stupidity. They both were raised in loving environments and never lacked for anything. Is it something in their minds? They're both brilliant in ways that don't translate well to social situations -- perhaps they're on the autism spectrum? I can't think of any other way to explain it.
Anyway, on to another story, we learned a lesson the hard way -- the baby isn't quite ready to chomp on bread yet!!!! Eeep! He's fine and all is well, but what a scare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like the worst mom in the world ... :(
Friday, April 18, 2008
Not my week...
Although I had some sweet dreams and got caught up on my sleep, I overslept big time this morning. The baby was in my arms and he was snoozing away, too, with a minimum of the squirming which usually serves as my alarm clock.
I remember when he was about 2 months old, I was laying down on the bed with him in my arms, hoping to catch a couple minutes of sleep only to awaken to him furiously running his legs like he was on a bicycle. Geesh, I said to myself, no wonder I could never sleep when he was inside me!
After I managed to wake up this morning, I managed to slip and fall on the stairs as the baby was in my arms. I was able to catch myself and took the fall, so the baby was just fine. It scared the bejeezus out of me and it only took my mom telling me "Look, he's smiling", for me to realize all was ok with the baby. I heard a big thump and was scared to death it was his head, and I immediatly started thinking about having to go to the emergency room.
Looking at his sweet, smiling face afterward did me a world of good. He's starting to crawl, albeit unwillingly -- he's always complaining when he's not standing and kicking. It's the most unbelievable thing. That's the thing about babies, they're always changing, always growing, always expanding their boundaries. They might complain, but there they go, always pushing forward, with another smile from them right around the corner.
So much is running through my mind today. I've had the nagging feeling the last couple days that I'm forgetting something. I have no clue WHAT, but it just feels like something's missing.
The best part about my upcoming weekend is that my new laptop is here, which really opens the possibilities of working over the weekend. I have a big academic appointment next week, so I can get closer to my master's degree. I love my weekends.
When I was looking for my current job, I had written a list of my requirements. This fits almost everyone, but it's missing the one where I'm not supposed to be tied to my computer. I'm itching to be out and about, or at least so stimulated I forget how miserable it is to be inside instead of outside or with my baby.
I remember when he was about 2 months old, I was laying down on the bed with him in my arms, hoping to catch a couple minutes of sleep only to awaken to him furiously running his legs like he was on a bicycle. Geesh, I said to myself, no wonder I could never sleep when he was inside me!
After I managed to wake up this morning, I managed to slip and fall on the stairs as the baby was in my arms. I was able to catch myself and took the fall, so the baby was just fine. It scared the bejeezus out of me and it only took my mom telling me "Look, he's smiling", for me to realize all was ok with the baby. I heard a big thump and was scared to death it was his head, and I immediatly started thinking about having to go to the emergency room.
Looking at his sweet, smiling face afterward did me a world of good. He's starting to crawl, albeit unwillingly -- he's always complaining when he's not standing and kicking. It's the most unbelievable thing. That's the thing about babies, they're always changing, always growing, always expanding their boundaries. They might complain, but there they go, always pushing forward, with another smile from them right around the corner.
So much is running through my mind today. I've had the nagging feeling the last couple days that I'm forgetting something. I have no clue WHAT, but it just feels like something's missing.
The best part about my upcoming weekend is that my new laptop is here, which really opens the possibilities of working over the weekend. I have a big academic appointment next week, so I can get closer to my master's degree. I love my weekends.
When I was looking for my current job, I had written a list of my requirements. This fits almost everyone, but it's missing the one where I'm not supposed to be tied to my computer. I'm itching to be out and about, or at least so stimulated I forget how miserable it is to be inside instead of outside or with my baby.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Lonesome ...
One thing this job makes me realize is just how LONELY I am ... when I'm not with my son, I am terribly, terribly lonesome. My work isn't very dynamic and my work friend is still on maternity leave and I don't have the same kind of chemistry with anyone else. It's the kind of friendship where you can just laugh, and laugh, and laugh all the time and it breaks up the humdrum of the daily grind.
Last night when I went to pick up my son from his grandmas to take him to his other grandmas (my mom), I interacted with my ex. It was friendly, but I didn't want to get too deep.
Loneliness is a bad state to be in -- last time I felt really lonely I got back together with my ex ... now, I know that no matter what (extremely loneliness or more), it is just NOT WORTH it ... because as soon as we get back together and he feels comfortable, it would be same old same old -- same old misery, same old abuse.
Today I went home during lunch to pick up some of the baby's bottles I had accidentally left behind last night. It was sooooo nice to break up the "usual" a little bit. No one was at their apartments, wich made me think of something I read a while back about how we work so hard to pay for homes we're never at.
I took advantage of the time to finally change my sheets to these gorgeous chocolate brown 540 thread count 100% pima cotton sheets I splurged on at Costco. They are LOVELY and so soft -- I'm definitely getting more when I'm able to. This little luxury reminded me that it is SO worth it to fill the house with beautiful things that I like. My friend Sparkle once said to me, of me, correctly that I love beautiful things. Yes, I do!
My love for beautiful things is something I'm just starting to embrace in whole -- it's not just about having beautiful makeup containers, it's about living a life where you're surrounded by things and people that make you happy. When my ex and I first moved in together, I remember being absolutely mortified by his terrible taste. He had this ridiculously scratched up leather sofa, carboard boxes, and red vegetable crates as his main decor, and it took him leaving for the first time for me to be able to get rid of them.
Note to self: Never be with a man who thinks cardboard boxes are high class.
A funny memory from our first breakup: a sweet co-worker came over to help me get rid of the sofa and other crap. It was an adventure in hilarity involving us accidentally locking ourselves out of my apartment, banging on peoples doors for a phone book, and me tearing through the scratched up leather with a cheapy steak knife that immediatly broke and then the mexican indian women who walked by snickering and gossiping .... oh, those were good times.
Last night when I went to pick up my son from his grandmas to take him to his other grandmas (my mom), I interacted with my ex. It was friendly, but I didn't want to get too deep.
Loneliness is a bad state to be in -- last time I felt really lonely I got back together with my ex ... now, I know that no matter what (extremely loneliness or more), it is just NOT WORTH it ... because as soon as we get back together and he feels comfortable, it would be same old same old -- same old misery, same old abuse.
Today I went home during lunch to pick up some of the baby's bottles I had accidentally left behind last night. It was sooooo nice to break up the "usual" a little bit. No one was at their apartments, wich made me think of something I read a while back about how we work so hard to pay for homes we're never at.
I took advantage of the time to finally change my sheets to these gorgeous chocolate brown 540 thread count 100% pima cotton sheets I splurged on at Costco. They are LOVELY and so soft -- I'm definitely getting more when I'm able to. This little luxury reminded me that it is SO worth it to fill the house with beautiful things that I like. My friend Sparkle once said to me, of me, correctly that I love beautiful things. Yes, I do!
My love for beautiful things is something I'm just starting to embrace in whole -- it's not just about having beautiful makeup containers, it's about living a life where you're surrounded by things and people that make you happy. When my ex and I first moved in together, I remember being absolutely mortified by his terrible taste. He had this ridiculously scratched up leather sofa, carboard boxes, and red vegetable crates as his main decor, and it took him leaving for the first time for me to be able to get rid of them.
Note to self: Never be with a man who thinks cardboard boxes are high class.
A funny memory from our first breakup: a sweet co-worker came over to help me get rid of the sofa and other crap. It was an adventure in hilarity involving us accidentally locking ourselves out of my apartment, banging on peoples doors for a phone book, and me tearing through the scratched up leather with a cheapy steak knife that immediatly broke and then the mexican indian women who walked by snickering and gossiping .... oh, those were good times.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Dumbed down?
Has being a mom dumbed me down, or am I just in the wrong environment?
It's the classic case of I don't have anyone to talk to and everything is boring me. Today we had our quarterly financial review at work, which is the one hour everyone falls asleep in the lunchroom 4 times a year.
It's boring, it's the same-old, same-old, and every single time, I get the same "woe is me" thought process running through my head. If only I could be the one running the show, people wouldn't be falling asleep so fast.
Back when I had better self-esteem, in my teen years, I was a brilliant public speaker. Seriously - I won awards. Through the years, bad job choices, and a bad marriage, I've been relegated to a "don't speak or be seen" position and I've forgotten how good I am.
Every meeting, I think to myself -- THAT'S what I need to do with my life.
I know I need to find a job where I'm not in a subservient role and/or one where I will never progress. At this current job, there is a definite "gang" of 3 that stick together and decide the shots. They are a well-honed team and there is no room for anyone else to get in there.
Ok, this is a tangent, but not really -- I was thinking earlier today that what I really need is a Cinderella moment (what's up with me and my fairy tale references? too much early childhood day dreaming, I guess) -- I need a chance to shine.
As a former only child, I had so many chances to shine. Throughout my education, I constantly shone. I was so bright you had to wear sunglasses around me. So what went wrong? It feels like I've been in a down hill race and it's only getting worse and I'm only thinking less of myself.
Relationship wise, I can never be in one like my marriage ever again. My ex was the star -- he wanted someone lesser than him by his side and constantly reminded me of that.
Hmmm ... what are some things I can do to boost my self-esteem quotient?
It's the classic case of I don't have anyone to talk to and everything is boring me. Today we had our quarterly financial review at work, which is the one hour everyone falls asleep in the lunchroom 4 times a year.
It's boring, it's the same-old, same-old, and every single time, I get the same "woe is me" thought process running through my head. If only I could be the one running the show, people wouldn't be falling asleep so fast.
Back when I had better self-esteem, in my teen years, I was a brilliant public speaker. Seriously - I won awards. Through the years, bad job choices, and a bad marriage, I've been relegated to a "don't speak or be seen" position and I've forgotten how good I am.
Every meeting, I think to myself -- THAT'S what I need to do with my life.
I know I need to find a job where I'm not in a subservient role and/or one where I will never progress. At this current job, there is a definite "gang" of 3 that stick together and decide the shots. They are a well-honed team and there is no room for anyone else to get in there.
Ok, this is a tangent, but not really -- I was thinking earlier today that what I really need is a Cinderella moment (what's up with me and my fairy tale references? too much early childhood day dreaming, I guess) -- I need a chance to shine.
As a former only child, I had so many chances to shine. Throughout my education, I constantly shone. I was so bright you had to wear sunglasses around me. So what went wrong? It feels like I've been in a down hill race and it's only getting worse and I'm only thinking less of myself.
Relationship wise, I can never be in one like my marriage ever again. My ex was the star -- he wanted someone lesser than him by his side and constantly reminded me of that.
Hmmm ... what are some things I can do to boost my self-esteem quotient?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
eek!
Oh, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo embarrassed -- I was heading to the kitchen at work for a coworker's cake celebration when I bit it BIG time and ended up in a pile on the floor. In front of many people.
And then Prince Charming popped his head in the window to see what had happened.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then Prince Charming popped his head in the window to see what had happened.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
More on the ego...
If my ex is going to continue to come over when I'm not there without telling me first, he really should cover his tracks better, like when he uses the computer, takes down his seat and doesn't bring it up to my level again.
It's something that really angers me, but I just didn't have the strength to complain about it to his mom. It was another jam-packed weekend and I realize now that what I really need is someone to watch him for a couple hours on Sunday afternoon so I can get some basic things done around the house.
By the time I'm done cooking and showering and preparing for the week ahead, I am about ready to collapse, and that's when the baby wakes up for his midnight snack. The last couple nights I've found myself asleep in the recliner with the baby in my arms for a few hours, to awaken with a crick in my neck. Also, at some point in the night I've been putting him in bed with me, although I just can't remember actually doing it.
Anyway, last night, to give myself a second wind after spending a long day out in the hot sun, I put together a new 'going out' outfit -- it's pretty sassy and I can't wait to wear it someday, hopefully in the near future, although that doesn' t really seem likely. My life didn't have many "get all gussied up" moments before the baby, and now that doesn't seem likely whatsoever.
As I was going through the closet, looking for a particular skirt, I realized my ex had taken the last of his clothes, although he forgot to take his shoes. Its not that I hadn't expected it, in fact a week earlier I was grumbling about him not taking his stuff so I could have more room. It was more a blow to my ego than anything.
My mom keeps asking questions, as she is wont to do, about if I've heard from him, anything ... then she catches herself and says, "yeah, it's better you don't hear from him anyway. If he really wanted you guys, he wouldn't have been this out of touch."
I guess the removal of the clothes and his board games is just another dose of reality -- even though he's not the best person to have or be around, it's rejection, and that really hurts.
My ego finds itself wondering if he has a new girlfriend -- and then reality creeps back in and I say, "let them deal with his shit, anyway."
At work I'm struggling so hard to let go of my obssessive thoughts for Prince Charming. It's not healthy and it isn't realistic, and I need to focus on my future and not worry about it. It doesn't help that my gym crush is gay (and it took me about 3 months to realize it), and my inner self feels the need to have a crush. Apparently, it hasn't gotten the memo that I need to focus on me and my son, and not worry about some silly little crush.
Is there any cure for the hopelessly enamored?
It's something that really angers me, but I just didn't have the strength to complain about it to his mom. It was another jam-packed weekend and I realize now that what I really need is someone to watch him for a couple hours on Sunday afternoon so I can get some basic things done around the house.
By the time I'm done cooking and showering and preparing for the week ahead, I am about ready to collapse, and that's when the baby wakes up for his midnight snack. The last couple nights I've found myself asleep in the recliner with the baby in my arms for a few hours, to awaken with a crick in my neck. Also, at some point in the night I've been putting him in bed with me, although I just can't remember actually doing it.
Anyway, last night, to give myself a second wind after spending a long day out in the hot sun, I put together a new 'going out' outfit -- it's pretty sassy and I can't wait to wear it someday, hopefully in the near future, although that doesn' t really seem likely. My life didn't have many "get all gussied up" moments before the baby, and now that doesn't seem likely whatsoever.
As I was going through the closet, looking for a particular skirt, I realized my ex had taken the last of his clothes, although he forgot to take his shoes. Its not that I hadn't expected it, in fact a week earlier I was grumbling about him not taking his stuff so I could have more room. It was more a blow to my ego than anything.
My mom keeps asking questions, as she is wont to do, about if I've heard from him, anything ... then she catches herself and says, "yeah, it's better you don't hear from him anyway. If he really wanted you guys, he wouldn't have been this out of touch."
I guess the removal of the clothes and his board games is just another dose of reality -- even though he's not the best person to have or be around, it's rejection, and that really hurts.
My ego finds itself wondering if he has a new girlfriend -- and then reality creeps back in and I say, "let them deal with his shit, anyway."
At work I'm struggling so hard to let go of my obssessive thoughts for Prince Charming. It's not healthy and it isn't realistic, and I need to focus on my future and not worry about it. It doesn't help that my gym crush is gay (and it took me about 3 months to realize it), and my inner self feels the need to have a crush. Apparently, it hasn't gotten the memo that I need to focus on me and my son, and not worry about some silly little crush.
Is there any cure for the hopelessly enamored?
Revelation
I know what I'm praying for now.
After a couple months of sending out general prayers, it came to me while persusing the latest Essence with Laila Ali on the cover.
The best thing about my job is my access to magazines -- I never have to buy them, which is great, because they're interesting for the first couple days, and then they end up lingering forever. Now, they linger at my desk and people come by and grab them when I'm done, which is easier than having them in my bathroom for months on end.
Besides the point, the article with Laila Ali, who is currently preganant with her first child, mentioned something that went straight to my heart. She is married to her second husband, and said she was looking for someone who wanted a family as much as she did.
Bingo.
That's what I want, that's what I am praying to God for -- to open my eyes for the one who doesn't just want, but needs to be in a family just as much as I do. I'm asking for my preconceived notions to fade and for my heart to be open to it when it comes. I'm also asking for growth and strength and for my ego to take a back seat to my inner knowledge (that which I know to be true deep inside).
After a couple months of sending out general prayers, it came to me while persusing the latest Essence with Laila Ali on the cover.
The best thing about my job is my access to magazines -- I never have to buy them, which is great, because they're interesting for the first couple days, and then they end up lingering forever. Now, they linger at my desk and people come by and grab them when I'm done, which is easier than having them in my bathroom for months on end.
Besides the point, the article with Laila Ali, who is currently preganant with her first child, mentioned something that went straight to my heart. She is married to her second husband, and said she was looking for someone who wanted a family as much as she did.
Bingo.
That's what I want, that's what I am praying to God for -- to open my eyes for the one who doesn't just want, but needs to be in a family just as much as I do. I'm asking for my preconceived notions to fade and for my heart to be open to it when it comes. I'm also asking for growth and strength and for my ego to take a back seat to my inner knowledge (that which I know to be true deep inside).
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Another thing ....
Another thing I realize about my ex is that he never could accept me as ME ... he could never accept the real me... he was always trying to change the music I listened to, the movies I watched, the clothes I wore, the way I acted and talked to people.
What an asswipe.
He's not comfortable with his own self. Besides, the way he presents himself is nothing admirable, nothing to model my life on. I do admit that he did open my eyes to certain things in life, but you can't wipe the stripes off a zebra, and that's the whole point of this post.
What an asswipe.
He's not comfortable with his own self. Besides, the way he presents himself is nothing admirable, nothing to model my life on. I do admit that he did open my eyes to certain things in life, but you can't wipe the stripes off a zebra, and that's the whole point of this post.
Always learning ....
While on the way to work on the 405, between getting my groove on to Britney Spears and some oldies (my taste in music is admittedly shamefully cheesy), I started pondering about things and life in general.
I remember when I was 15, I thought I knew everything. Those teen years are very special - you're finally "aware" and confident that you know what there is to know. I realized that 15 years later, at age 30, I'm still learning and I don't really know what there is to know. There is so much ahead of me to learn, know and experience and I've barely hit the tip of the iceberg.
One thing I'm trying to do is get out of auto-pilot mode - work, spend money, sleep, eat, etc .... It's very easy for me to get that way and I realize I've been in this mode for much of the last few years. The good news is that I'm finally starting to come into awareness of what I really and truly want from life. I'm not the automoton wife my ex wanted me to be and I am finally aware that it's ok to like the music I like, the tv shows I want to watch and interests I want to pursue.
At some point, my goal is to slow down enough to do the things I want to do and not put them off for "someday". I want to have interesting hobbies, to participate fully in life, to not put off doing things until I have people to do them with.
The good thing about having a kid is that I'll have an automatic partner to do certain things. There are times when I get sad about the baby getting older, because I really love the baby stage. However, it's just going to get better and better as he is more mobile and able to do more and more things.
Here's to living life ... and ballroom dancing, and hiking, and exploring, and doing all the things I've always wanted to do, but never have had the courage to try.
I remember when I was 15, I thought I knew everything. Those teen years are very special - you're finally "aware" and confident that you know what there is to know. I realized that 15 years later, at age 30, I'm still learning and I don't really know what there is to know. There is so much ahead of me to learn, know and experience and I've barely hit the tip of the iceberg.
One thing I'm trying to do is get out of auto-pilot mode - work, spend money, sleep, eat, etc .... It's very easy for me to get that way and I realize I've been in this mode for much of the last few years. The good news is that I'm finally starting to come into awareness of what I really and truly want from life. I'm not the automoton wife my ex wanted me to be and I am finally aware that it's ok to like the music I like, the tv shows I want to watch and interests I want to pursue.
At some point, my goal is to slow down enough to do the things I want to do and not put them off for "someday". I want to have interesting hobbies, to participate fully in life, to not put off doing things until I have people to do them with.
The good thing about having a kid is that I'll have an automatic partner to do certain things. There are times when I get sad about the baby getting older, because I really love the baby stage. However, it's just going to get better and better as he is more mobile and able to do more and more things.
Here's to living life ... and ballroom dancing, and hiking, and exploring, and doing all the things I've always wanted to do, but never have had the courage to try.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Slowly getting it ....
You know, change is good. I've always known that, but recent occurences are opening my eyes to the benefits of forced change and what steps I need to take to make it to the next level of my life.
The ex has been acting decent lately -- he forked over some coinage for the kid, which is a very good thing. He's still living with his mom, seems to be moving forward in his life, and I'm happy for that. I'm also happy he's leaving me alone. The thought of being back together with him is one that really frightens me - sure, we'd be happy for a while, but then would start the inevitable cycle of anger and hate all over again. Yeesh.
While he was watching the baby yesterday, I overheard him talking to one of his friends. The virgin who's starting an islamic porn site. Thank GOD I don't have to pretend to like his stupid friends.
Here at work, I'm kind of figuring out what I need to do and where I need to be ... despite the fact that I'm comfortable in my little cubby hole, it's not the ideal position for me, bottom line. I need to be somewhere that makes the best use of my experience and personality. What I really need is a dynamic job - nothing dead end, which is what this is.
I guess I have to take a leap somewhere along the line - I'm grateful for my tax refund because I can use it as my cushion when I switch jobs eventually.
Not sure when that will be, I just know I'm starting to lay the foundations down ....
The ex has been acting decent lately -- he forked over some coinage for the kid, which is a very good thing. He's still living with his mom, seems to be moving forward in his life, and I'm happy for that. I'm also happy he's leaving me alone. The thought of being back together with him is one that really frightens me - sure, we'd be happy for a while, but then would start the inevitable cycle of anger and hate all over again. Yeesh.
While he was watching the baby yesterday, I overheard him talking to one of his friends. The virgin who's starting an islamic porn site. Thank GOD I don't have to pretend to like his stupid friends.
Here at work, I'm kind of figuring out what I need to do and where I need to be ... despite the fact that I'm comfortable in my little cubby hole, it's not the ideal position for me, bottom line. I need to be somewhere that makes the best use of my experience and personality. What I really need is a dynamic job - nothing dead end, which is what this is.
I guess I have to take a leap somewhere along the line - I'm grateful for my tax refund because I can use it as my cushion when I switch jobs eventually.
Not sure when that will be, I just know I'm starting to lay the foundations down ....
Monday, April 7, 2008
Oh, lord ....
This was one of those weekends where I was plain tuckered out by Sunday evening. It was a good tired and I enjoyed every second I spent with the baby, but it was exhausting!
We've officially past the stage of him being easy to take places ... during our grocery excursions on Saturday, he spent most of the time whining and trying to get into the bottom part of the shopping cart so he could play with the various food items. Oh my.
I wouldn't trade this time for anything, but the downside is that there are never enough hours in the day. The thought of extra time to spend with my son during the day -- that's priceless.
We've officially past the stage of him being easy to take places ... during our grocery excursions on Saturday, he spent most of the time whining and trying to get into the bottom part of the shopping cart so he could play with the various food items. Oh my.
I wouldn't trade this time for anything, but the downside is that there are never enough hours in the day. The thought of extra time to spend with my son during the day -- that's priceless.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Don't know how to respond ...
My boss pulled me in for a meeting today ... feels like we're not connected, wants to know what exactly it is that I do.
Yeah, me too....
For a while I've felt like an afterthought, now it just feels like I'm coming in and collecting a paycheck. I do want to feel excited about my job, but ... I just can't. I asked for more work, asking to please help distract me from my real life.
I just don't know what to do ... I'm leaving it up to fate to tell me where I have to go next.
Yeah, me too....
For a while I've felt like an afterthought, now it just feels like I'm coming in and collecting a paycheck. I do want to feel excited about my job, but ... I just can't. I asked for more work, asking to please help distract me from my real life.
I just don't know what to do ... I'm leaving it up to fate to tell me where I have to go next.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I have issues ....
There is nothing quite like the obsessive crush. Nothing like getting yourself worked up into a frenzy of thoughts, sideways glances, and a constant dialog in your head about the object of your affections.
When I came back to work from maternity leave, I was in a delicate state and was very upset with my ex. There was one particular fight that ended with him barking something at me, and my internal response was, "I officially hate him." That was the point when I started completely disconnecting from him, when I started picturing other people in his place just to be able to get through being around him. Yes, it was THAT bad.
That was also the point where I gave myself permission to have crushes again and feel the rush of excitement from pure infatuation. It was exhilarating, being that I haven't had those feelings for over 3 years now.
The reality of my situation is that I probably won't go out on a date for at least a couple of years since I just don't have the time or energy to devote myself to anyone besides my son and me. I'm just not good girlfriend material, and I'm fine with it. Still, it's nice to have little distractions, as long as I keep myself in check and don't let them become big distractions.
There is someone who works for my company that I refer to as Prince Charming. There was one moment after I came back from maternity leave and saw him leave the parking lot in his silver mercedes that cemented the Prince Charming title for one and for all. He's quite dashing, kind of a monet (better looking from far away), very friendly and nice, and a COMPLETE contrast to my ex, who is everything he isn't (non-beer belly, rude, belligerent, and driver of a beat up '92 toyota corolla).
I try not to pay TOO much attention to Prince Charming, because if I do, it would just break my heart due to his total inaccessability. It's never gonna happen! Still, from time to time, I picture myself in the passenger seat of the mercedes, sharing shits and giggles with PC. It's nice to have little, silly dreams to distract me from the reality of my beligerent ex and dirty, scratched up, eight year old Suzuki station wagon. Becuase the reality is, I'm not a mercedes -- I AM a dirty, scratched up, eight year old station wagon and that luxury vehicle is no where near me and maybe never will be.
When I came back to work from maternity leave, I was in a delicate state and was very upset with my ex. There was one particular fight that ended with him barking something at me, and my internal response was, "I officially hate him." That was the point when I started completely disconnecting from him, when I started picturing other people in his place just to be able to get through being around him. Yes, it was THAT bad.
That was also the point where I gave myself permission to have crushes again and feel the rush of excitement from pure infatuation. It was exhilarating, being that I haven't had those feelings for over 3 years now.
The reality of my situation is that I probably won't go out on a date for at least a couple of years since I just don't have the time or energy to devote myself to anyone besides my son and me. I'm just not good girlfriend material, and I'm fine with it. Still, it's nice to have little distractions, as long as I keep myself in check and don't let them become big distractions.
There is someone who works for my company that I refer to as Prince Charming. There was one moment after I came back from maternity leave and saw him leave the parking lot in his silver mercedes that cemented the Prince Charming title for one and for all. He's quite dashing, kind of a monet (better looking from far away), very friendly and nice, and a COMPLETE contrast to my ex, who is everything he isn't (non-beer belly, rude, belligerent, and driver of a beat up '92 toyota corolla).
I try not to pay TOO much attention to Prince Charming, because if I do, it would just break my heart due to his total inaccessability. It's never gonna happen! Still, from time to time, I picture myself in the passenger seat of the mercedes, sharing shits and giggles with PC. It's nice to have little, silly dreams to distract me from the reality of my beligerent ex and dirty, scratched up, eight year old Suzuki station wagon. Becuase the reality is, I'm not a mercedes -- I AM a dirty, scratched up, eight year old station wagon and that luxury vehicle is no where near me and maybe never will be.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Back to the scene of the crime...
Today I went to a dermatologist appointment in Beverly Hills, which was remarkable for the compliment I received on my The Sak bag in the land of Gucci and Vuiton, and for the incredibly rare opportunity I got to visit my favorite frozen yogurt place from when I was pregnant.
Perhaps I had taste bud issues back then, but it just doesn't taste as good to me anymore, which is a shame! It was nice to be back in the 'hood, and a reminder that I'm glad I live in a more laid back area now.
One of the best things that happened in 2007 was moving OUT of the city -- I really cannot imagine my life as a mom if I had to function there in a small apartment with all the traffic, parking, and limited shopping options!
It was a bittersweet tour today, since that's where the dream died, speaking of my marriage. Those were our street, those were our stores, that was the coffee house I escaped to after fights, that was the condo I parked in front of at midnight, so many nights, after running out of my apartment and driving as far away from my ex as I could, praying and crying and wishing for more than what I had ....
Perhaps I had taste bud issues back then, but it just doesn't taste as good to me anymore, which is a shame! It was nice to be back in the 'hood, and a reminder that I'm glad I live in a more laid back area now.
One of the best things that happened in 2007 was moving OUT of the city -- I really cannot imagine my life as a mom if I had to function there in a small apartment with all the traffic, parking, and limited shopping options!
It was a bittersweet tour today, since that's where the dream died, speaking of my marriage. Those were our street, those were our stores, that was the coffee house I escaped to after fights, that was the condo I parked in front of at midnight, so many nights, after running out of my apartment and driving as far away from my ex as I could, praying and crying and wishing for more than what I had ....
Things I'm glad for ...
I'm glad I am where I am at this very moment.
Lately I've been thinking about my life now and what I want in the future. It's funny how the things I poo-poohed as a child and young adult are what I want more than anything, such as a hoome, a garden, and all those other things I just didn't have time for.
Maybe that's the beauty going through a bad marriage. By living a way that was counter to my being, my eyes were opened to my true desires and I'm learning how to acheive my goals.
My favorite quote, that I plan to needlepoint sometime in the future, comes from Samuel Johnson. I don't remember where I first came upon it, but I first read it when I was pregnant and nesting and then and now, it makes total sense:
"To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labor tends, and of which every desire prompts the prosecution. "
Yes, yes, yes!!!!! I knew for quite sometime that my marriage was a ruse -- that the end of it was around the corner. Now my goal is to work on my happiness quotient.
There's a deaf man who lives in the apartment above me, which is one of the greatest features of my place, despite the fact it is right by a trailer park and 2 blocks above a questionably safe city. It's not the nicest place, but it's decent, clean and it works for right now. Anyway, the deaf man has a little garden next to his parking spot. He's made a teensy slice of heaven in a place you wouldn't expect and I admire him for it.
Lately I've been thinking about my life now and what I want in the future. It's funny how the things I poo-poohed as a child and young adult are what I want more than anything, such as a hoome, a garden, and all those other things I just didn't have time for.
Maybe that's the beauty going through a bad marriage. By living a way that was counter to my being, my eyes were opened to my true desires and I'm learning how to acheive my goals.
My favorite quote, that I plan to needlepoint sometime in the future, comes from Samuel Johnson. I don't remember where I first came upon it, but I first read it when I was pregnant and nesting and then and now, it makes total sense:
"To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labor tends, and of which every desire prompts the prosecution. "
Yes, yes, yes!!!!! I knew for quite sometime that my marriage was a ruse -- that the end of it was around the corner. Now my goal is to work on my happiness quotient.
There's a deaf man who lives in the apartment above me, which is one of the greatest features of my place, despite the fact it is right by a trailer park and 2 blocks above a questionably safe city. It's not the nicest place, but it's decent, clean and it works for right now. Anyway, the deaf man has a little garden next to his parking spot. He's made a teensy slice of heaven in a place you wouldn't expect and I admire him for it.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Oh, so not a good day for the ex to pull a stunt...
One of the side effects of my pregnancy, aside from badonkadonk hips and strangely unmanageable hair, has been out of control mentrual cramps. I don't remember if they were this bad before, but now it's almost like being in labor all over again.
I hear everything, badonkadonk hips included, gets better after a year, so here's hoping I'm a new woman in 5 months!
Anyway, today is Tuesday, and it's my ex's regular day to watch the baby. Unfortunatly, he dropped a very, very last minute bomb on me that he has a presentation that he can't get out of .... meaning I have to leave work early, unpaid ... grrrrrr.
Mad for two reasons: 1. It will be over 2 weeks since he's seen the baby; 2. He's not paying me any child support and that's unpaid work time for me, so I lose out both ways, and I don't want my bosses to get suspicious or anything on top of it.
Responsibility is a virtue.
One of our mutal friend's wife called last week and when I told her about it, she just said, "Well, he HAS to be responsible."
That's what everyone's been saying. How do I explain to them that no, he has no sense of "responsibility"?
Last night, I was showing off some recent photos to my mom-in-law and gave the baby one to hold. Some thing about that made me really sad ... I could see him clearly, a little bit older, holding on to a picture of his daddy, wondering when he would see his daddy again. :( It breaks my heart ....
I hear everything, badonkadonk hips included, gets better after a year, so here's hoping I'm a new woman in 5 months!
Anyway, today is Tuesday, and it's my ex's regular day to watch the baby. Unfortunatly, he dropped a very, very last minute bomb on me that he has a presentation that he can't get out of .... meaning I have to leave work early, unpaid ... grrrrrr.
Mad for two reasons: 1. It will be over 2 weeks since he's seen the baby; 2. He's not paying me any child support and that's unpaid work time for me, so I lose out both ways, and I don't want my bosses to get suspicious or anything on top of it.
Responsibility is a virtue.
One of our mutal friend's wife called last week and when I told her about it, she just said, "Well, he HAS to be responsible."
That's what everyone's been saying. How do I explain to them that no, he has no sense of "responsibility"?
Last night, I was showing off some recent photos to my mom-in-law and gave the baby one to hold. Some thing about that made me really sad ... I could see him clearly, a little bit older, holding on to a picture of his daddy, wondering when he would see his daddy again. :( It breaks my heart ....
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