Joy to the world! :) A tax refund will be here SOON and that means I can put some medical bills to rest, pay a chunk towards my visa, and then SPLURGE (a teensy bit), but mostly SAVE ....
My goal from now on is to prepare for a possible job change, and I need a savings because you're not paid right away when you start a new job. It's a little scary and I'm not looking forward to leaving my comfort zone at this current one, but I really have to take care of "bidness" where the household is concerned.
The home improvement project is continuing and is definitely on the up and up. As I'm able to, I'm slowly adding new elements that are giving the place a more feminine charm. So much better than "college student" ... I am SO happy to get rid of that title!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Grrrrrrrrr.....
I should always know that my ex's generosity is an assured indicator of "I fudged something up". This time, he bought the baby formula, but only to find out that he can't watch the baby tomorrow afternoon, throwing things into complete disarray.
You see, if he can't watch the baby, my mother-in-law has to risk her job because she WILL stay late on Tuesday mornings before going to work to stay with him. I can't take the time off because every hour is money I need to support my son, since my ex is not helping out with his needs whatsoever.
Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating!
Today I'm skipping my lunchtime workout to go to the Social Security office so I can get the baby's social security number -- we never received his card and I need the number to file taxes and to fill out the child support paperwork.
It seems like there's ALWAYS some little hurdle to jump. It could be worse, but ... it would be nice if there weren't so many "restrictions" to getting things done. For instance, I wish my ex would be a little more agreeable and not such a twat when it comes to dealing with his responsibility to his son.
Yesterday I visited my work friend and her baby and just to see the difference between her and her husband is remarkable. They 're a team, something I always wanted with my ex and never had.
You see, if he can't watch the baby, my mother-in-law has to risk her job because she WILL stay late on Tuesday mornings before going to work to stay with him. I can't take the time off because every hour is money I need to support my son, since my ex is not helping out with his needs whatsoever.
Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating!
Today I'm skipping my lunchtime workout to go to the Social Security office so I can get the baby's social security number -- we never received his card and I need the number to file taxes and to fill out the child support paperwork.
It seems like there's ALWAYS some little hurdle to jump. It could be worse, but ... it would be nice if there weren't so many "restrictions" to getting things done. For instance, I wish my ex would be a little more agreeable and not such a twat when it comes to dealing with his responsibility to his son.
Yesterday I visited my work friend and her baby and just to see the difference between her and her husband is remarkable. They 're a team, something I always wanted with my ex and never had.
Friday, March 28, 2008
I'm just tired of all the nonsense....
The best thing I did today was print out the child support paperwork. I have a couple of blanks left to fill in and some copying of pay stubs to do, but it should be all ready to go by early next week.
This morning's phone call from the ex was followed by a text message war. He is utterly ridiculous, which is confirmed by his final message to me, which was "you're cute".
Ugh. UGH. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I promptly followed that up with a phone call to his mom and requested she tell him to not contact me at ALL, which is what I was telling him the whole time ... having her intervene somehow makes it get through his head.
Although I'm not where I need to be in the post-breakup recovery, I'm obviously a lot further along than he is, who is still trying to engage me in sort of mating ritualistic behaviors. However, this time around, I am so done and the finality of it all is so real to me that I just don't want to put up with anything from him.
I would be happy to never see him, or speak to him, but then again, there is the baby to consider, who does deserve to see his dad, one day a week or whatever it ends up being.
Knowledge is power and I've been busy gathering information about divorce and what my rights are. I'm still convinced he's trying to pull one over on me, and for the sake of the baby, I cannot and willnot allow him to do so.
In other news, man, am I POOPED ... this situation, combined with life in general, is really tiring me out. One thing I need to do is reassess where I am right now and make a list of goals for the upcoming months -- what I need to do and how to do it.
At this moment, if I had the opportunity to have some kind of silly and totally indulgent mixed drink (a mai tai, perhaps?), I would cherish the moment tremendously!
This morning's phone call from the ex was followed by a text message war. He is utterly ridiculous, which is confirmed by his final message to me, which was "you're cute".
Ugh. UGH. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I promptly followed that up with a phone call to his mom and requested she tell him to not contact me at ALL, which is what I was telling him the whole time ... having her intervene somehow makes it get through his head.
Although I'm not where I need to be in the post-breakup recovery, I'm obviously a lot further along than he is, who is still trying to engage me in sort of mating ritualistic behaviors. However, this time around, I am so done and the finality of it all is so real to me that I just don't want to put up with anything from him.
I would be happy to never see him, or speak to him, but then again, there is the baby to consider, who does deserve to see his dad, one day a week or whatever it ends up being.
Knowledge is power and I've been busy gathering information about divorce and what my rights are. I'm still convinced he's trying to pull one over on me, and for the sake of the baby, I cannot and willnot allow him to do so.
In other news, man, am I POOPED ... this situation, combined with life in general, is really tiring me out. One thing I need to do is reassess where I am right now and make a list of goals for the upcoming months -- what I need to do and how to do it.
At this moment, if I had the opportunity to have some kind of silly and totally indulgent mixed drink (a mai tai, perhaps?), I would cherish the moment tremendously!
Good thoughts ....
Last night, after putting all my worries out of mind and consulting with a couple of friends, I came to a very healthy realization: You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.
There is no point to complaining internally or externally about my ex ... he is who he is and he isn't going to change, so no matter how much venting I do about his behavior and how much I gripe about his stupid ways, I can't let him occupy much brain space for much longer.
So, I came to the decision to start focusing on ways I can improve my situation, for my sake and for my baby's sake.
This morning, at dark o'clock, I received a phone call from my ex. I groggily asked what he wanted and hung up ... the reason I keep answering the phone is purely instinctual at this point -- I really don't want to talk to him, but some part of me thinks it the old days, the same way I think it's him sending me a sweet nothing when my text message alert goes out. I'm going to have to change his display name to "Do Not Answer!"
My guru advised me to stop messing with astrology, tarot and all those things, but I couldn't resist when a Vietnamese coworker kept asking if he could pull up my birth chart. What I learned is that I am fire from heaven -- which is good. He was pretty spot on in what he was able to tell me, the most important thing is that I always want to be right and prove others wrong (ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!).
I walked away with a good piece of advice -- take it easy and be positive! He said I could have any job I wanted, which I know is true. The thing is, I KNOW what he was telling me was correct, but I've been self-doubting myself for so long that I don't see how complicated I'm making my life.
It's another lesson in letting go, and letting God.
There is no point to complaining internally or externally about my ex ... he is who he is and he isn't going to change, so no matter how much venting I do about his behavior and how much I gripe about his stupid ways, I can't let him occupy much brain space for much longer.
So, I came to the decision to start focusing on ways I can improve my situation, for my sake and for my baby's sake.
This morning, at dark o'clock, I received a phone call from my ex. I groggily asked what he wanted and hung up ... the reason I keep answering the phone is purely instinctual at this point -- I really don't want to talk to him, but some part of me thinks it the old days, the same way I think it's him sending me a sweet nothing when my text message alert goes out. I'm going to have to change his display name to "Do Not Answer!"
My guru advised me to stop messing with astrology, tarot and all those things, but I couldn't resist when a Vietnamese coworker kept asking if he could pull up my birth chart. What I learned is that I am fire from heaven -- which is good. He was pretty spot on in what he was able to tell me, the most important thing is that I always want to be right and prove others wrong (ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!).
I walked away with a good piece of advice -- take it easy and be positive! He said I could have any job I wanted, which I know is true. The thing is, I KNOW what he was telling me was correct, but I've been self-doubting myself for so long that I don't see how complicated I'm making my life.
It's another lesson in letting go, and letting God.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
News flash....
Out with the old, in with the new.... I'm going to start accentuating the positive.
It will be a good change. :)
It will be a good change. :)
Really, let it go....
Last night, as I was getting some information together for a session at H&R Block this weekend, I was complaining and complaining and complaining to my mom about my soon-to-be-ex. She commiserated with me for a while, but towards the end, she said: "He's not in your life anymore! This is the 5th week -- he walked out on you! Let it go!"
Ah, mom. That was the result of almost 60 years of wisdom combined with a liberal dose of a daily "Dr. Laura"-type show on the persian radio station.
In my head, I know she's right. Absolutely! The facts are very black and white, it's plain to see. However, there's nothing like shuffling through old receipts and realizing you've paid about $5000 in medical bills in the last year on your very ownto bring up past hurts and, not only that, to set you on your very own warpath.
Yes, the warpath, the dangerous thing I blogged about in the very beginning. The warpath is when you're so obsessed with a past wrong that it's all you talk about or think about. What mom said was right -- but I still want to complain, complain, and complain until maybe somehow, the idea of how wrong it was for my ex to not only give me a hard time about giving me money, be completely mean to me when I was pregnant, then spend his money on his friends and going out instead of medical bills, gets through his thick skull somehow.
Oh, buggers. What is it going to take for me to realize that it's all senseless to him and he's never going to GET it, so then I can move on with my life? That it's really not worth putting up a fight for and it's better to keep him out of mind, and that when I do hear from him, see him, I should put up a mental blinder?
But, oh, argh, ummm .... just ... unfair ... just... oh, buggers.
Ah, mom. That was the result of almost 60 years of wisdom combined with a liberal dose of a daily "Dr. Laura"-type show on the persian radio station.
In my head, I know she's right. Absolutely! The facts are very black and white, it's plain to see. However, there's nothing like shuffling through old receipts and realizing you've paid about $5000 in medical bills in the last year on your very ownto bring up past hurts and, not only that, to set you on your very own warpath.
Yes, the warpath, the dangerous thing I blogged about in the very beginning. The warpath is when you're so obsessed with a past wrong that it's all you talk about or think about. What mom said was right -- but I still want to complain, complain, and complain until maybe somehow, the idea of how wrong it was for my ex to not only give me a hard time about giving me money, be completely mean to me when I was pregnant, then spend his money on his friends and going out instead of medical bills, gets through his thick skull somehow.
Oh, buggers. What is it going to take for me to realize that it's all senseless to him and he's never going to GET it, so then I can move on with my life? That it's really not worth putting up a fight for and it's better to keep him out of mind, and that when I do hear from him, see him, I should put up a mental blinder?
But, oh, argh, ummm .... just ... unfair ... just... oh, buggers.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Don’t demand if you can’t provide …
As I was venting recent troubles to a co-worker yesterday, she asked a very good question. Had my husband and I ever been able to have a conversation that didn’t involve yelling, threats, or crying?
The answer – no. With my husband, the concept of having a productive conversation and coming to a mutual understanding does not exist. It’s his way or the highway.
A few months ago, I spoke to his grandma and she said that was the Greek way of doing things, coming from his mom’s side. All decisions are deferred to the man, and that’s just the way it is.
That’s nice and everything, but considering where he’s coming from, my husband is in no position to make demands. I come from a middle-eastern, 1st generation immigrant family and even growing up, the decisions were mutual between my mom and dad. My dad worked very hard and provided for our family, and he left a large amount of discretion of decisions up to my mom.
What my dad knew and knows is that in a healthy family, you cannot make unfounded demands and you have to have some kind of respect for your partner, which is completely opposite of what my husband believes.
Yes, they have problems, but their family unit works, as opposed to my husband, who has the mentality that he is the king and he has the authority to make all decisions.
Perhaps a less strong woman would be willing to live that way, but I can’t. Considering that even with his father giving him money, I am the one who has always paid the lion share of the household bills, he has absolutely no right to make any kind of demands on me. That’s just it – he has never provided for our family.
It’s been a little over a month and he’s still at his mom’s house, still doing his same old thing, not making any kind of progress. Some things don’t change, but I know that I do.
The answer – no. With my husband, the concept of having a productive conversation and coming to a mutual understanding does not exist. It’s his way or the highway.
A few months ago, I spoke to his grandma and she said that was the Greek way of doing things, coming from his mom’s side. All decisions are deferred to the man, and that’s just the way it is.
That’s nice and everything, but considering where he’s coming from, my husband is in no position to make demands. I come from a middle-eastern, 1st generation immigrant family and even growing up, the decisions were mutual between my mom and dad. My dad worked very hard and provided for our family, and he left a large amount of discretion of decisions up to my mom.
What my dad knew and knows is that in a healthy family, you cannot make unfounded demands and you have to have some kind of respect for your partner, which is completely opposite of what my husband believes.
Yes, they have problems, but their family unit works, as opposed to my husband, who has the mentality that he is the king and he has the authority to make all decisions.
Perhaps a less strong woman would be willing to live that way, but I can’t. Considering that even with his father giving him money, I am the one who has always paid the lion share of the household bills, he has absolutely no right to make any kind of demands on me. That’s just it – he has never provided for our family.
It’s been a little over a month and he’s still at his mom’s house, still doing his same old thing, not making any kind of progress. Some things don’t change, but I know that I do.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Feeling better ...
I still have a little bit of panic left over from the hubub of yesterday, but for the most part, I've calmed down a lot.
I had a nice talk with my mom and she was able to help me work through my anger and fear. If only I didn't have to rely on my husband to watch the baby on Tuesday afternoons I would file a restraining order against him.
The only other option is to drive him to my mom's on Monday night so she can watch him on Tuesdays, drive back with him on Weds. morning so my mother-in-law can watch him, then drive back to my mom's that night.
Why must this be so hard? Yesterday's breakdown is partially attributable to the ridiculous amount of stress I've been under lately. It feels like I'll never get a break and I'm just running all over the place. It was bad enough when my husband was at home, but now with him adding more stress to my life....
I had a nice talk with my mom and she was able to help me work through my anger and fear. If only I didn't have to rely on my husband to watch the baby on Tuesday afternoons I would file a restraining order against him.
The only other option is to drive him to my mom's on Monday night so she can watch him on Tuesdays, drive back with him on Weds. morning so my mother-in-law can watch him, then drive back to my mom's that night.
Why must this be so hard? Yesterday's breakdown is partially attributable to the ridiculous amount of stress I've been under lately. It feels like I'll never get a break and I'm just running all over the place. It was bad enough when my husband was at home, but now with him adding more stress to my life....
Monday, March 24, 2008
Let go, Let God
I have to let go of the main problem here, which is that I want my husband to be held accountable in his life. It really upsets me to see him get away with harassing me and upsetting me and him feeling he can get away with it.
If he thinks I’m an easy opponent, he has it wrong. I was just thinking last night how I don’t want him, yet I don’t want it to be easy for him to get away with things, yet, let him be someone else’s problem. The problem I have is that I’m still not done resolving this within myself, which is the majority of the problem.
I just don’t understand how he is getting away with it. You know, his girlfriend from Lebanon came to visit him and he introduced her to EVERYONE … including his mom. That is a humiliation I cannot forgive. After her visit is when he came back to me. He made that choice and he was so enthusiastic about coming back to me … and then it just went back to normal. THEN, all these months later he calls it “giving me a second chance.”
Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me??? Giving ME a second chance? Oh, whatever. Like you’re that great of a partner! Oh, lordy. Lordy, lordy, lordy. I will be glad to give him a divorce when he admits HIS fault in all of this. Dear God, help me let go of my need for justice.
If he thinks I’m an easy opponent, he has it wrong. I was just thinking last night how I don’t want him, yet I don’t want it to be easy for him to get away with things, yet, let him be someone else’s problem. The problem I have is that I’m still not done resolving this within myself, which is the majority of the problem.
I just don’t understand how he is getting away with it. You know, his girlfriend from Lebanon came to visit him and he introduced her to EVERYONE … including his mom. That is a humiliation I cannot forgive. After her visit is when he came back to me. He made that choice and he was so enthusiastic about coming back to me … and then it just went back to normal. THEN, all these months later he calls it “giving me a second chance.”
Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me??? Giving ME a second chance? Oh, whatever. Like you’re that great of a partner! Oh, lordy. Lordy, lordy, lordy. I will be glad to give him a divorce when he admits HIS fault in all of this. Dear God, help me let go of my need for justice.
Crying at work …
I can’t believe I’m sitting here at my desk crying ugly tears. It’s just the pressure of everything that has gotten to me in a bad, bad way.
I am praying to God. I don’t know what for, but I am sending out my thoughts for any kind of help. I just can’t take this anymore.
When my husband left, I sent an email out to all of his colleagues telling them that he walked out and he’s not going to support his child. After years and years of mental and verbal abuse from him, it was completely justified on my end, plus it’s true.
I’ve been the one supporting the baby and paying for the majority of the household bills for the last few years. Me – not him. Right now he tried to make me feel bad about asking him for money to pay for his share of the cell phone bill, and that is so wrong, considering how much money I’ve been putting forward for the family on my own.
He also mentioned a restraining order and taking the baby. Let me put it this way, because I don’t know anyway else to do it. I feel like he’s getting away with it all – the irresponsibility, the refusal to grow up, the need to run away and not the need to be part of a family.
It hurts that after all I’ve been doing the last few years, I’m the one getting egged in the face and he’s getting away with it all. Simply put – I can’t take this anymore. When will this suffering end? I don’t want my poor baby to know that his dad did this to us. God, can you please send me a sign, something to show me that it’s going to be ok? Because what I have to believe, more than anything right now, is that it’s going to be ok.
I am praying to God. I don’t know what for, but I am sending out my thoughts for any kind of help. I just can’t take this anymore.
When my husband left, I sent an email out to all of his colleagues telling them that he walked out and he’s not going to support his child. After years and years of mental and verbal abuse from him, it was completely justified on my end, plus it’s true.
I’ve been the one supporting the baby and paying for the majority of the household bills for the last few years. Me – not him. Right now he tried to make me feel bad about asking him for money to pay for his share of the cell phone bill, and that is so wrong, considering how much money I’ve been putting forward for the family on my own.
He also mentioned a restraining order and taking the baby. Let me put it this way, because I don’t know anyway else to do it. I feel like he’s getting away with it all – the irresponsibility, the refusal to grow up, the need to run away and not the need to be part of a family.
It hurts that after all I’ve been doing the last few years, I’m the one getting egged in the face and he’s getting away with it all. Simply put – I can’t take this anymore. When will this suffering end? I don’t want my poor baby to know that his dad did this to us. God, can you please send me a sign, something to show me that it’s going to be ok? Because what I have to believe, more than anything right now, is that it’s going to be ok.
Beyond upset right now...
The idiot called me at work a few minutes ago and managed to rile me up to a degree I haven't been riled up for a while.
I've told him not to call me at work. He calls, asking for a quickie divorce. I've told him to give me 2 months to research my options. He threatens to take away my child.
All I can do is pray right now. I don't know where to turn.
I've told him not to call me at work. He calls, asking for a quickie divorce. I've told him to give me 2 months to research my options. He threatens to take away my child.
All I can do is pray right now. I don't know where to turn.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
A beautiful day ...
Today was truly a glorious Easter Sunday. Now, I wasn't raised with a religion, so Easter has never been significant, except for Easter egg hunting with the kids. Although my parents gave up on their Islam when they moved to the States, they never dropped eating pork, so we never made a big deal about eating a big Easter dinner, either.
My mother-in-law invited us over in the afternoon, but I honestly did not feel like going over and possibly interacting with my husband in addition to the rest of my step-father-in-law's family. Yes, I know they're just 5 minutes down the street, but the baby has reached a new level of his development which makes him a little bit more of a handful, and I didn't think I could deal with hauling him there, hauling him back, putting him to sleep AND doing my weekly cooking-a-thon.
The baby is so funny these days -- it seems like overnight he's realized that in order to get what he wants, all he has to do is scream like bloody murder! Ha ha ha!!!! It is so funny to me because I'm seeing him grow right in front of my eyes. He also demands to be walked in order to kick stuff around the house. He's my little David Beckham ... I'm so proud!
So, this morning we took a long walk in the summer-like sun to Starbucks, then Whole Foods, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Big Lots. It took about 2 hours total, I spent under $20 (glory!), baby got to look at cars going by (which he loves), and he got a great nap in.
The greatest part was realizing ... hey, I'm walking this path that I've walked many times before with my husband, and this time ... I'M FREE!!!! I kept looking over my shoulder, expecting to see him, somewhat nostaligic with a tinge of fear. We would frequently take these walks, and he would often use them as his opportunity to "teach " me something and usually end up berating me for being "stupid", in his eyes.
For some reason, this weekend I've expected to hear from him on the phone or see him lying on the couch when I came home. He did call on Saturday, but I didn't pick up or call back, because whatever it was, I just didn't care anymore.
I've mentioned before that his lack of attention to me and our family is partially, if not largely, what caused the love to die in me. His habit was to stay up until 6 am, either writing or playing video games, and then to sleep until late afternoon. That, combined with his habit of sleeping on the couch, led to such a distance in my heart for him. It broke my heart most of the time to spend the weekends alone with the baby, when what I really wanted was to do new and exciting things with him, to go to places we'd never been and have a family day out at least once a week.
That is STILL what I want ....
I'm proud to report that my efforts to de-college student-ize my apartment has been a success so far. I've added some cool new drapes, courtesy of my mom, and know what things I want to get when I have the cash for them.
For someone who used to be so obsessed with makeup that it was all I cared about in the world, I am amazed by how far my attention has come. I am head over heels for Bed Bath and Beyond! I love it so much and want something from every department! In fact, I got a little teary-eyed realizing that I am going to be piecing together my home for some time to come due to money restrictions. How I wish so much that I could just walk in there, get whatever I wanted, and walk out.
The good news is I have been credit card free for about 2 years!!! I am still paying off my Visa, and it will take me a while to get there, but I will!
In the meanwhile, I have lots of dreams to dream and places to go ... my local Bed Bath & Beyond one of them!
My mother-in-law invited us over in the afternoon, but I honestly did not feel like going over and possibly interacting with my husband in addition to the rest of my step-father-in-law's family. Yes, I know they're just 5 minutes down the street, but the baby has reached a new level of his development which makes him a little bit more of a handful, and I didn't think I could deal with hauling him there, hauling him back, putting him to sleep AND doing my weekly cooking-a-thon.
The baby is so funny these days -- it seems like overnight he's realized that in order to get what he wants, all he has to do is scream like bloody murder! Ha ha ha!!!! It is so funny to me because I'm seeing him grow right in front of my eyes. He also demands to be walked in order to kick stuff around the house. He's my little David Beckham ... I'm so proud!
So, this morning we took a long walk in the summer-like sun to Starbucks, then Whole Foods, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Big Lots. It took about 2 hours total, I spent under $20 (glory!), baby got to look at cars going by (which he loves), and he got a great nap in.
The greatest part was realizing ... hey, I'm walking this path that I've walked many times before with my husband, and this time ... I'M FREE!!!! I kept looking over my shoulder, expecting to see him, somewhat nostaligic with a tinge of fear. We would frequently take these walks, and he would often use them as his opportunity to "teach " me something and usually end up berating me for being "stupid", in his eyes.
For some reason, this weekend I've expected to hear from him on the phone or see him lying on the couch when I came home. He did call on Saturday, but I didn't pick up or call back, because whatever it was, I just didn't care anymore.
I've mentioned before that his lack of attention to me and our family is partially, if not largely, what caused the love to die in me. His habit was to stay up until 6 am, either writing or playing video games, and then to sleep until late afternoon. That, combined with his habit of sleeping on the couch, led to such a distance in my heart for him. It broke my heart most of the time to spend the weekends alone with the baby, when what I really wanted was to do new and exciting things with him, to go to places we'd never been and have a family day out at least once a week.
That is STILL what I want ....
I'm proud to report that my efforts to de-college student-ize my apartment has been a success so far. I've added some cool new drapes, courtesy of my mom, and know what things I want to get when I have the cash for them.
For someone who used to be so obsessed with makeup that it was all I cared about in the world, I am amazed by how far my attention has come. I am head over heels for Bed Bath and Beyond! I love it so much and want something from every department! In fact, I got a little teary-eyed realizing that I am going to be piecing together my home for some time to come due to money restrictions. How I wish so much that I could just walk in there, get whatever I wanted, and walk out.
The good news is I have been credit card free for about 2 years!!! I am still paying off my Visa, and it will take me a while to get there, but I will!
In the meanwhile, I have lots of dreams to dream and places to go ... my local Bed Bath & Beyond one of them!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
It's an Easter Miracle!
Today, a Saturday, I came home from a harried day of leaving my parent's home and running errands with a wiggly almost 7-month old to find something positively shocking ... the DSL light on my modem was blinking GREEN!
I will not question it, but I am positively THRILLED ... even though nothing exciting is going on online, I am so happy to have the option to google and wikipedia the most obscure references that pop up in my head. I'm going to try to introduce baby to chicken this weekend and need to find out exactly how.
Last night, while watching the 20/20 special on prostitution, I came to an epiphany. Rather, I came to it today while on the freeway driving home. When my husband and I were splitting, I was so shocked that he didn't want to fight for our relationship and our family. At the time, I didn't know how to explain it, however, watching Diane Sawyer interview some really troubled women made it clear, at last.
The majority of women in the sex industry are addicted to drugs. They are so desperate for their fix, they debase themselves for $5 - 10 blow jobs on street corners. It's really the lowest of the low, but they NEED to feed their addiction so bad, they're willing to risk life and limb for it.
How does that connect to my marriage? Well, by refusing to fight to save for our relationship, my husband chooses to leave time and again -- he does not NEED us. He had said over and over during our courtship how much he wanted a family and child -- to the point where he claimed to leave the first time around because I wasn't getting pregnant. However much as he claimed to want a child and to have a family, he simply doesn't NEED one.
Similarly, he doesn't NEED to grow up and live life as an adult ... as long as his mom and dad are around to give him shelter and give him money, why should he?
I feel like a big lightbulb just went off in my head -- it was my "aha"! moment.
As for me, I haven't NEEDED him for quite some time, which is quite the contrast to how much I needed him during our dating days and the beginning of our marriage. Looking back, he helped me get to a new phase of my life and to experience life, however cruel it was at times.
Sometimes I have really bad dreams at night. According to my husband, I sit up panting, screaming and crying and don't know where I am. I haven't done this in a long time, so maybe my subconsious was trying to tell me how bad the relationship was? Anyway, right after we got married, I had an episode to the extent I'd never had before - I was screaming, panting, and my eyes were glazed over and dead. I woke up sitting up and hearing my husband calling me a "crazy bitch". Not exactly what a newlywed wants to hear. I ended up crying, trying to defend my self and trying to prevent him from leaving, which is what he wanted to do.
What kind of need did I have to debase myself in such a way? At the time, I felt like I needed attention so much, I was willing to put up with someone who supposedly loved me calling me a crazy bitch instead of trying to comfort me and figuring out what was really wrong with me.
Another lesson for next time.
What I need in my next relationship is a man who NEEDS to be in a family unit with me, and to whom I feel similarly. I can't wait to meet him.
I will not question it, but I am positively THRILLED ... even though nothing exciting is going on online, I am so happy to have the option to google and wikipedia the most obscure references that pop up in my head. I'm going to try to introduce baby to chicken this weekend and need to find out exactly how.
Last night, while watching the 20/20 special on prostitution, I came to an epiphany. Rather, I came to it today while on the freeway driving home. When my husband and I were splitting, I was so shocked that he didn't want to fight for our relationship and our family. At the time, I didn't know how to explain it, however, watching Diane Sawyer interview some really troubled women made it clear, at last.
The majority of women in the sex industry are addicted to drugs. They are so desperate for their fix, they debase themselves for $5 - 10 blow jobs on street corners. It's really the lowest of the low, but they NEED to feed their addiction so bad, they're willing to risk life and limb for it.
How does that connect to my marriage? Well, by refusing to fight to save for our relationship, my husband chooses to leave time and again -- he does not NEED us. He had said over and over during our courtship how much he wanted a family and child -- to the point where he claimed to leave the first time around because I wasn't getting pregnant. However much as he claimed to want a child and to have a family, he simply doesn't NEED one.
Similarly, he doesn't NEED to grow up and live life as an adult ... as long as his mom and dad are around to give him shelter and give him money, why should he?
I feel like a big lightbulb just went off in my head -- it was my "aha"! moment.
As for me, I haven't NEEDED him for quite some time, which is quite the contrast to how much I needed him during our dating days and the beginning of our marriage. Looking back, he helped me get to a new phase of my life and to experience life, however cruel it was at times.
Sometimes I have really bad dreams at night. According to my husband, I sit up panting, screaming and crying and don't know where I am. I haven't done this in a long time, so maybe my subconsious was trying to tell me how bad the relationship was? Anyway, right after we got married, I had an episode to the extent I'd never had before - I was screaming, panting, and my eyes were glazed over and dead. I woke up sitting up and hearing my husband calling me a "crazy bitch". Not exactly what a newlywed wants to hear. I ended up crying, trying to defend my self and trying to prevent him from leaving, which is what he wanted to do.
What kind of need did I have to debase myself in such a way? At the time, I felt like I needed attention so much, I was willing to put up with someone who supposedly loved me calling me a crazy bitch instead of trying to comfort me and figuring out what was really wrong with me.
Another lesson for next time.
What I need in my next relationship is a man who NEEDS to be in a family unit with me, and to whom I feel similarly. I can't wait to meet him.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Times like these ...
There are times, like right now, when I feel horribly guilty for being at work away from my son. Considering how unfufilled I am by my work, it feels like I'm not really providing for him, even though I really am. It also amplifies the hurt I feel by not being around him. I really feel like I'm missing out on a lot and it's time I'll never, ever get back .... :(
The one who I thought was THE one …
We all have one person in our past whose being refuses to remove itself from our brain, or maybe that’s just me. Picture it: it’s like a sticky starfish clinging to something – you try so very hard to pull it away, but it just refuses to let go.
So it goes with radio man. He’s a figure from my past whose presence has greatly diminished in my daily thoughts over time, but he pops up every now and then. Five years ago, my thoughts relating to him were: “I wonder when he’s going to contact me again.” Or, “I can’t wait to me Mrs. Radio Man”. These days, it’s more like, “Damn, Radio Man is looking rough in the pictures I’ve googled of him for the 2nd time in the last month”.
It’s a tail of youth, naïveté, foolish behavior on my end, and wondering what if. I think if I retell the story in it’s entirety, in an anonymous fashion, I will finally be able to put it to rest and stop wondering what my life would have been like IF ….
Before I start with the “what if’s” and “could haves/would haves”, I realize that my life turned out exactly the way it was supposed to be. To tell the truth, I cannot imagine being happier with my little son and know that everything that has happened was supposed to bring me to this point. Yes, times are very rough, but everything that has occurred recently has only served to bring me to a higher level of understanding. I really KNOW that and couldn’t wish for anything more.
Ok, back to the story. When I graduated from college, my main goal was to work in San Francisco. I wasn’t sure exactly WHAT I was supposed to do*, I only knew I wanted to work in the media and it had to be in San Francisco. There weren’t any exciting jobs in my hometown that was 45 minutes away, and I knew the only way to get any kind of “experience” was to be in the big city.
The city by the bay has a hold on my heart and has ever since I moved to the area at age almost-6. Except for the time I watched a movie on earthquakes at the local science museum that scared the bejeezus out of me and portrayed a man standing on the street one second and swallowed up by the asphalt the next, it’s always been my place to BE.
There’s nothing more romantic to me than SF – I haven’t been back in a couple of years (and last time I didn’t get to do my grand tour), but the memory remains, even in spite of the countless crazy pigeons and homeless people pooping in the middle of the street.
Anyway, after experiencing a crappy temp job in my hometown and a car accident related to the temp job that had me sidelined with a broken hip and ankle for 3 months, I managed to convince someone to hire me. Looking back, I’m sure my then-boss looked at me as live bait, since it was a thoroughly suspicious operation and they needed someone young and dumb willing to work for their largely under-the-table business for cheap. That was me, and even though I had no clue what I was getting into, I was thrilled to get started with my career. Thrilled!
Despite the job being kind of a dud – it was for an indie radio station privately funded and floundering – I was having the time of my life exploring the city. I would take the bus and subway in from my hometown and would spend my lunch periods exploring the city and walking to new places.
The beauty of San Francisco lies in it’s layout and public transportation. It was really easy for me to walk to the BART (aka subway) station and within minutes I could go to far reaches of the city. I also became a bus pro, and sometimes I’d treat myself to cable car rides, pretending I was a tourist.
Oh, and those were the days when I had nothing BUT disposable income …good times! A side note – as much as I loved my big city, I’m glad I live in Southern California now, for different reasons. The other day I realized that if I had to leave, it would give me major anxiety. Major!
I met Mr. Radio Man through this job – he was an out-of-state radio personality and I was given the task of organizing a seminar he was coming in town for. I became acquainted with him and his staff, and over time, I found myself having instant message marathons with him. It was really exciting to me … totally new, too. No man had ever expressed interest in me before like that. I could hardly believe it.
At the time, I had also befriended his male assistant and we had so much fun over the phone with each other. We had an instant rapport with each other and were good, old buddies.
Then, one day, I was walking around Ghiradelli Square when someone asked if I wanted my palm read. My future, she said, was to be caught between two men …. Hmmmm…..
What followed in the ensuing months was heart-racing and deeply disappointing … and foolish on my part. The male assistant asks me to marry him. I am blushing as I am writing this – my reaction is so embarrassing to me, even now. He was serious, I laughed it off and wrote him a letter saying I was in love with his boss. Stupidest thing ever. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!
What ends up happening is nothing! My friendship with the assistant went bye-bye and nothing ever ended up happening with his boss. I haven’t heard from him in years and it seems like all those instant message conversations were built-up and imaginary on my end. I was head-over-heels obsessed with him for YEARS and it’s only taken the passage of time and a dose of reality to diminish it.
In retrospect, I know it was a life experience that I had to have, but I feel like I’ve spent my life finding someone to replace the memory of Radio Man. I’ve never been one to be approached by men and all I wanted was someone that I could HAVE to show Radio Man that I’d moved on, that I didn’t care about him that much. The truth is, the whole experience was entirely heartbreaking.
I remember once I was walking around, thinking of my feelings for radio man, and I felt true bliss to the extent I’ve never felt before or after. I was literally in a state of nirvana.
Afterwards, realizing how much of my SELF I’d put into this probably imaginary relationship, I felt deeply, deeply embarrassed and sad.
What I’m realizing from recounting this tale is that I have a lot of self-work to do on my self-worth. I can’t be TOO embarrassed about it, because in the end, I learned. As a direct result of this, I ended up married to my husband, as I was determined to put Radio Man behind me in any way I could.
The marriage is over, and now I can look back a wiser human being and better prepared for what comes ahead. Now, I know what I’m looking for in love and a relationship and I know ME so much better.
I guess in the end, I’m the better one for all of the trouble. Because what I’ve gained is a ME … the same one I thought I’d lost when I first started blogging. And you know what, I’m not that bad after all …. (( smile ))
So it goes with radio man. He’s a figure from my past whose presence has greatly diminished in my daily thoughts over time, but he pops up every now and then. Five years ago, my thoughts relating to him were: “I wonder when he’s going to contact me again.” Or, “I can’t wait to me Mrs. Radio Man”. These days, it’s more like, “Damn, Radio Man is looking rough in the pictures I’ve googled of him for the 2nd time in the last month”.
It’s a tail of youth, naïveté, foolish behavior on my end, and wondering what if. I think if I retell the story in it’s entirety, in an anonymous fashion, I will finally be able to put it to rest and stop wondering what my life would have been like IF ….
Before I start with the “what if’s” and “could haves/would haves”, I realize that my life turned out exactly the way it was supposed to be. To tell the truth, I cannot imagine being happier with my little son and know that everything that has happened was supposed to bring me to this point. Yes, times are very rough, but everything that has occurred recently has only served to bring me to a higher level of understanding. I really KNOW that and couldn’t wish for anything more.
Ok, back to the story. When I graduated from college, my main goal was to work in San Francisco. I wasn’t sure exactly WHAT I was supposed to do*, I only knew I wanted to work in the media and it had to be in San Francisco. There weren’t any exciting jobs in my hometown that was 45 minutes away, and I knew the only way to get any kind of “experience” was to be in the big city.
The city by the bay has a hold on my heart and has ever since I moved to the area at age almost-6. Except for the time I watched a movie on earthquakes at the local science museum that scared the bejeezus out of me and portrayed a man standing on the street one second and swallowed up by the asphalt the next, it’s always been my place to BE.
There’s nothing more romantic to me than SF – I haven’t been back in a couple of years (and last time I didn’t get to do my grand tour), but the memory remains, even in spite of the countless crazy pigeons and homeless people pooping in the middle of the street.
Anyway, after experiencing a crappy temp job in my hometown and a car accident related to the temp job that had me sidelined with a broken hip and ankle for 3 months, I managed to convince someone to hire me. Looking back, I’m sure my then-boss looked at me as live bait, since it was a thoroughly suspicious operation and they needed someone young and dumb willing to work for their largely under-the-table business for cheap. That was me, and even though I had no clue what I was getting into, I was thrilled to get started with my career. Thrilled!
Despite the job being kind of a dud – it was for an indie radio station privately funded and floundering – I was having the time of my life exploring the city. I would take the bus and subway in from my hometown and would spend my lunch periods exploring the city and walking to new places.
The beauty of San Francisco lies in it’s layout and public transportation. It was really easy for me to walk to the BART (aka subway) station and within minutes I could go to far reaches of the city. I also became a bus pro, and sometimes I’d treat myself to cable car rides, pretending I was a tourist.
Oh, and those were the days when I had nothing BUT disposable income …good times! A side note – as much as I loved my big city, I’m glad I live in Southern California now, for different reasons. The other day I realized that if I had to leave, it would give me major anxiety. Major!
I met Mr. Radio Man through this job – he was an out-of-state radio personality and I was given the task of organizing a seminar he was coming in town for. I became acquainted with him and his staff, and over time, I found myself having instant message marathons with him. It was really exciting to me … totally new, too. No man had ever expressed interest in me before like that. I could hardly believe it.
At the time, I had also befriended his male assistant and we had so much fun over the phone with each other. We had an instant rapport with each other and were good, old buddies.
Then, one day, I was walking around Ghiradelli Square when someone asked if I wanted my palm read. My future, she said, was to be caught between two men …. Hmmmm…..
What followed in the ensuing months was heart-racing and deeply disappointing … and foolish on my part. The male assistant asks me to marry him. I am blushing as I am writing this – my reaction is so embarrassing to me, even now. He was serious, I laughed it off and wrote him a letter saying I was in love with his boss. Stupidest thing ever. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!
What ends up happening is nothing! My friendship with the assistant went bye-bye and nothing ever ended up happening with his boss. I haven’t heard from him in years and it seems like all those instant message conversations were built-up and imaginary on my end. I was head-over-heels obsessed with him for YEARS and it’s only taken the passage of time and a dose of reality to diminish it.
In retrospect, I know it was a life experience that I had to have, but I feel like I’ve spent my life finding someone to replace the memory of Radio Man. I’ve never been one to be approached by men and all I wanted was someone that I could HAVE to show Radio Man that I’d moved on, that I didn’t care about him that much. The truth is, the whole experience was entirely heartbreaking.
I remember once I was walking around, thinking of my feelings for radio man, and I felt true bliss to the extent I’ve never felt before or after. I was literally in a state of nirvana.
Afterwards, realizing how much of my SELF I’d put into this probably imaginary relationship, I felt deeply, deeply embarrassed and sad.
What I’m realizing from recounting this tale is that I have a lot of self-work to do on my self-worth. I can’t be TOO embarrassed about it, because in the end, I learned. As a direct result of this, I ended up married to my husband, as I was determined to put Radio Man behind me in any way I could.
The marriage is over, and now I can look back a wiser human being and better prepared for what comes ahead. Now, I know what I’m looking for in love and a relationship and I know ME so much better.
I guess in the end, I’m the better one for all of the trouble. Because what I’ve gained is a ME … the same one I thought I’d lost when I first started blogging. And you know what, I’m not that bad after all …. (( smile ))
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Moochie McMoocherson
Moochie, or Mooch, if you prefer, was a male friend I'd had since early in my high school years. Back then, no one admitted they were gay, even though everyone "knew" it. According to my high school-aged sisters, that is SO passe and people are very out and proud these days.
Anyways, back in high school he was my "unofficial" main gay, and I was his fag hag. We did have one falling out, over what I don't remember. All I can remember from that murky time is that it involved him putting up posters throughout the school that said I loved camels, and I ended up cursing him out in the middle of the quad. So very true. So very sad. So very high school!
We had a separation for a year and a half, which foretold our future problems 11 years in the future. We stayed in touch through the years as we went on our merry ways, having marathon phone conversations in which we'd gossip and laugh over our mutual esoteric knowledge of pop culture.
It was good times.
Fast forward to 2007. He's been living at home for years, finally got his undergrad, no real sense of direction. Just kind of mooching around and doing internships. Kind of like my ex-husband. There's a real pattern in my choice of friends/lovers -- maybe I just feel sorry for them and want to take them under my wings, show them their way and watch their success with pride.
As I've learned, there is no such helping members of the McMoocherson clan. Some people are just effed up in the head and will be mooching around for the rest of their lives, no real sense of direction or aim. You gotta give it to them, because for the most part, they're SLICK in ways you would never believe. They know how to get what they want, McMoochersons they are.
So, it's 2007, I'm 4 months into my first separation with my husband and Mooch wants to move to Southern California. I encourage him and he splits from his parents home unsuspectingly. I invite him to be my roomate until he gets on his feet. He tells me he has $80 to his name.
It's a tight, tight squeeze in my roach coach of an apartment, but we get by. There's laughs, fun, it's nice to have a friend around. Especially since he promises he'll go halfsies on rent when he gets a job. Ok, so time goes on, he's not doing much during the day except fart around and volunteering for some stuff at night time. Nothing paid, just volunteer stuff. That really helps.
I'm assuming he's finding his way around town, but much to my dismay, about 3 weeks into my stay, he asks me how to get to the 405 freeway. The 405 freeway is less than 2 minutes from my apartment. Yeah.
Around that time, my husband and I were going on dates as friends and it truly was an escape for me since Moochie had taken over my apartment big time. He was ALWAYS there -- never going out looking for jobs or really being motivated for anything.
My tension level was quickly on the rise -- I was sure his money was running out, he wasn't really motivated to look for any kind of job, and he wouldn't help out with household stuff (remind you of anyone??? pattern alert!). At one point, I don't remember when, but I HAD IT with his Moocherson ways. Oh, yeah -- he'd come home at 3 am, disturbing my sleep. How dare he, I though, this McMoocherson -- he wasn't doing shit, he should at least be respectful to me who was working full-time.
So, in a fit of frustration, I called him, cursed him out, and then he was gone .... poof! Kind of a relief. Maybe that was the kick in the butt he needed.
However, he's the real kicker of the story. About a week later, I get an email from him with the subject line "I'm Sorry" and he proceeds to rant about me ... how nobody likes me, how nobody wants to be my friends, how he really has more money than he told me, how he has all kinds of connections and jobs (I actually really doubt that part), and again and again, what a terrible person I am.
As Austin Powers said, "Ouch, baby. Double ouch."
It stung, even though I knew they were the words of a true idiot. At the time, I wasn't talking to my parents, but that quickly changed. My husband and I got back together, and I got pregnant.
That's how I learned the lesson of Moochie McMoocherson. I wonder what he's doing sometimes -- is he still up to his mooching ways? A couple of mutual friends still keep in contact, but I don't ask about him.
It's a good thing -- he was my first lesson in ridding my life of McMoochersons. I guess it was practice for this time around. Life is too short to be mooched on, no matter how many laughs you get at the expense of Punky Brewster reruns.
Anyways, back in high school he was my "unofficial" main gay, and I was his fag hag. We did have one falling out, over what I don't remember. All I can remember from that murky time is that it involved him putting up posters throughout the school that said I loved camels, and I ended up cursing him out in the middle of the quad. So very true. So very sad. So very high school!
We had a separation for a year and a half, which foretold our future problems 11 years in the future. We stayed in touch through the years as we went on our merry ways, having marathon phone conversations in which we'd gossip and laugh over our mutual esoteric knowledge of pop culture.
It was good times.
Fast forward to 2007. He's been living at home for years, finally got his undergrad, no real sense of direction. Just kind of mooching around and doing internships. Kind of like my ex-husband. There's a real pattern in my choice of friends/lovers -- maybe I just feel sorry for them and want to take them under my wings, show them their way and watch their success with pride.
As I've learned, there is no such helping members of the McMoocherson clan. Some people are just effed up in the head and will be mooching around for the rest of their lives, no real sense of direction or aim. You gotta give it to them, because for the most part, they're SLICK in ways you would never believe. They know how to get what they want, McMoochersons they are.
So, it's 2007, I'm 4 months into my first separation with my husband and Mooch wants to move to Southern California. I encourage him and he splits from his parents home unsuspectingly. I invite him to be my roomate until he gets on his feet. He tells me he has $80 to his name.
It's a tight, tight squeeze in my roach coach of an apartment, but we get by. There's laughs, fun, it's nice to have a friend around. Especially since he promises he'll go halfsies on rent when he gets a job. Ok, so time goes on, he's not doing much during the day except fart around and volunteering for some stuff at night time. Nothing paid, just volunteer stuff. That really helps.
I'm assuming he's finding his way around town, but much to my dismay, about 3 weeks into my stay, he asks me how to get to the 405 freeway. The 405 freeway is less than 2 minutes from my apartment. Yeah.
Around that time, my husband and I were going on dates as friends and it truly was an escape for me since Moochie had taken over my apartment big time. He was ALWAYS there -- never going out looking for jobs or really being motivated for anything.
My tension level was quickly on the rise -- I was sure his money was running out, he wasn't really motivated to look for any kind of job, and he wouldn't help out with household stuff (remind you of anyone??? pattern alert!). At one point, I don't remember when, but I HAD IT with his Moocherson ways. Oh, yeah -- he'd come home at 3 am, disturbing my sleep. How dare he, I though, this McMoocherson -- he wasn't doing shit, he should at least be respectful to me who was working full-time.
So, in a fit of frustration, I called him, cursed him out, and then he was gone .... poof! Kind of a relief. Maybe that was the kick in the butt he needed.
However, he's the real kicker of the story. About a week later, I get an email from him with the subject line "I'm Sorry" and he proceeds to rant about me ... how nobody likes me, how nobody wants to be my friends, how he really has more money than he told me, how he has all kinds of connections and jobs (I actually really doubt that part), and again and again, what a terrible person I am.
As Austin Powers said, "Ouch, baby. Double ouch."
It stung, even though I knew they were the words of a true idiot. At the time, I wasn't talking to my parents, but that quickly changed. My husband and I got back together, and I got pregnant.
That's how I learned the lesson of Moochie McMoocherson. I wonder what he's doing sometimes -- is he still up to his mooching ways? A couple of mutual friends still keep in contact, but I don't ask about him.
It's a good thing -- he was my first lesson in ridding my life of McMoochersons. I guess it was practice for this time around. Life is too short to be mooched on, no matter how many laughs you get at the expense of Punky Brewster reruns.
Big ... fat ... failure... and the tale of Moochie McMoocherson
I never expected to be struggling this much at this point in my life. Honestly, I don't know what I really wanted, but it wasn't THIS.
What this is is ridiculous, exasperating, and heartbreaking.
Lately, the universe has been sending me long, lost friends. It's just amazing how that works -- as if from out of the air, people are in the back of your mind, but you really haven't thought of for a while, just pop up to say hi! Also, a few weeks ago I finally jumped on the bandwagon and got a Facebook account and got in contact with a lot of old school mates.
Guess what -- everyone is much more successful career-wise than me. Family-wise, I do have it made with my little son, so I'm not even counting that. But, you know what? All the time I was in school, overacheiving and graduating from college early, I was supposed to be the successful one. I was supposed to be the businesswoman who was going to make it big.
Now, all I have are big bills, stress from lack of money, a teensy apartment, a beater car, and a dubious future. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
So many could haves, would haves and should haves to keep me busy writing for ages ... but I can't dwell on the past. I can't and I know it. What I CAN do ... that's a little less certain.
What I know -- I want my son to have a good lifestyle. I don't want him to know my struggles, or lack of money. I don't want him to have anything less than the best.
So, getting there is the challenge. Not sure how to accomplish this, but I will have to keep my eyes open for clues.
What this is is ridiculous, exasperating, and heartbreaking.
Lately, the universe has been sending me long, lost friends. It's just amazing how that works -- as if from out of the air, people are in the back of your mind, but you really haven't thought of for a while, just pop up to say hi! Also, a few weeks ago I finally jumped on the bandwagon and got a Facebook account and got in contact with a lot of old school mates.
Guess what -- everyone is much more successful career-wise than me. Family-wise, I do have it made with my little son, so I'm not even counting that. But, you know what? All the time I was in school, overacheiving and graduating from college early, I was supposed to be the successful one. I was supposed to be the businesswoman who was going to make it big.
Now, all I have are big bills, stress from lack of money, a teensy apartment, a beater car, and a dubious future. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
So many could haves, would haves and should haves to keep me busy writing for ages ... but I can't dwell on the past. I can't and I know it. What I CAN do ... that's a little less certain.
What I know -- I want my son to have a good lifestyle. I don't want him to know my struggles, or lack of money. I don't want him to have anything less than the best.
So, getting there is the challenge. Not sure how to accomplish this, but I will have to keep my eyes open for clues.
Fucktards ‘R’ Us
We’re going on week 4 of me not having internet access at home and it’s all the fault of that stupid fucktard of a husband. I fucking hate him!
Ok, how do you really feel?
I feel frustrated and angry because he did something so stupid and resolving the problem has become a major ordeal with the phone company and despite my requests for him to deal with it (via his mom), I find that I’m having to deal with it, on top of everything.
What a mess. One of those moments I really wish there was any way possible to get him to comprehend the situation. I used to call him an idiot savant, and that’s what he really is. He’s brilliant in his retaining of information, but it’s not the kind of information that will help you get by in your day-to-day living of life.
Ok, how do you really feel?
I feel frustrated and angry because he did something so stupid and resolving the problem has become a major ordeal with the phone company and despite my requests for him to deal with it (via his mom), I find that I’m having to deal with it, on top of everything.
What a mess. One of those moments I really wish there was any way possible to get him to comprehend the situation. I used to call him an idiot savant, and that’s what he really is. He’s brilliant in his retaining of information, but it’s not the kind of information that will help you get by in your day-to-day living of life.
Grumplestiltskin
Grumplestiltskin is a term I coined to describe my son's impossible times. The times when he's really tired, really cranky, and all he wants is for you to get his bottle ASAP or else!
I've been feeling really Grumplestiltskin last night and today ... I mean, I'm generally happy about my new life, but I also have a general underlying level of stress that I don't know how to deal with, and I guess I have to learn how to deal with because it's not going to go away anytime soon.
ARGH....
My main issues are time and money. I don't have enough of either and I can't figure out how to get more. One thing I DO know is that I HAVE to start looking for a new job. HAVE to. There is just no way I'll ever make more money at my current one, despite how comfortable I am here. Comfortable as in I have no worries and it's relatively drama-free.But, it's kind of a bad sign when your boss asks you when you're going to start looking for a new job (she knows about the situation) and starts giving some of your projects to other people.
However, I gotta take care of my kid and it's up to me to do it. Can't sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for dear old soon-to-be-ex-hubby to dish up because I have a lot of existing bills to deal with and a few upcoming one sthat I have to be realistic about.
How will I be able to afford the transistion from old job to new?
How will I be able to move forward in my career? I feel stuck and hopeless sometimes, but that's another post.
How will I be able to manage being insurance-less and having DS on no-insurance?
What will I do if the job is far away?
One of the few advantages to being in a marriage when you have a child is that no matter how bad it is, you know someone has your back. No matter how much begging and pleading I had to do with my husband to help me with some bills, at least I knew he would eventually buckle to my pleads and help me out a bit, even just a bit.
Of course, there are many cons associated with that, including the fact that I had to beg and plead in the first place, but you get my point!
...................................
Today is the first day of spring and my culture's new year -- happy new year! One of the traditions is to have a goldfish in a clear bowl -- you look into it and it symbolizes good luck for the coming year. It's a new start ....
My mom has a tradition of doing extremely silly things. Like the time she bought two tiny turtles and set them loose in our 1/2 acre back yard to fend for themselves. Bad, bad, bad idea! They were missing for several years and the only remaining evidence of them was their empty shells which turned up a few years later.
In the same vein, my mom bought some goldfish and koi fish to put in her little outdoors ponds. These are fish that barely survive INDOORS ... I have no clue what she's thinking when she does this! She came home with 10 fish and the last thing I heard, only 2 were left. Mooooom!!!!
I've been feeling really Grumplestiltskin last night and today ... I mean, I'm generally happy about my new life, but I also have a general underlying level of stress that I don't know how to deal with, and I guess I have to learn how to deal with because it's not going to go away anytime soon.
ARGH....
My main issues are time and money. I don't have enough of either and I can't figure out how to get more. One thing I DO know is that I HAVE to start looking for a new job. HAVE to. There is just no way I'll ever make more money at my current one, despite how comfortable I am here. Comfortable as in I have no worries and it's relatively drama-free.But, it's kind of a bad sign when your boss asks you when you're going to start looking for a new job (she knows about the situation) and starts giving some of your projects to other people.
However, I gotta take care of my kid and it's up to me to do it. Can't sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for dear old soon-to-be-ex-hubby to dish up because I have a lot of existing bills to deal with and a few upcoming one sthat I have to be realistic about.
How will I be able to afford the transistion from old job to new?
How will I be able to move forward in my career? I feel stuck and hopeless sometimes, but that's another post.
How will I be able to manage being insurance-less and having DS on no-insurance?
What will I do if the job is far away?
One of the few advantages to being in a marriage when you have a child is that no matter how bad it is, you know someone has your back. No matter how much begging and pleading I had to do with my husband to help me with some bills, at least I knew he would eventually buckle to my pleads and help me out a bit, even just a bit.
Of course, there are many cons associated with that, including the fact that I had to beg and plead in the first place, but you get my point!
...................................
Today is the first day of spring and my culture's new year -- happy new year! One of the traditions is to have a goldfish in a clear bowl -- you look into it and it symbolizes good luck for the coming year. It's a new start ....
My mom has a tradition of doing extremely silly things. Like the time she bought two tiny turtles and set them loose in our 1/2 acre back yard to fend for themselves. Bad, bad, bad idea! They were missing for several years and the only remaining evidence of them was their empty shells which turned up a few years later.
In the same vein, my mom bought some goldfish and koi fish to put in her little outdoors ponds. These are fish that barely survive INDOORS ... I have no clue what she's thinking when she does this! She came home with 10 fish and the last thing I heard, only 2 were left. Mooooom!!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It’s a Good Day ….
So, my baby’s father came through with the diapers, after I sent a friendly reminder through his mother, which I am very grateful for. One less thing to bitch/worry about. Like I’ve been saying for ages, I think a separation is the best thing that could have ever happened for him helping out with the baby. He seems to be much nicer to people to whom he has no familial obligations to. I.e., if you’re his family, forget it!
Sometime before the baby was born and after a typical fight, my mother-in-law made a good observation, “You know, he doesn’t like it when we reject him.” Well, my problem isn’t with rejecting him, it’s about being realistic about life – in my mind, there are certain obligations and responsibilities and plain old good behavior that he is lacking regarding me as his wife and with relation to his son. He refuses to see a therapist (since he thinks he’s smarter than them), but this is exactly WHY he needs to see someone.
At least it’s off my head, now. Phew. I feel like I dodged a bullet, big time. Last night was possibly my best since I’ve been on my own. I did some cooking, cleaning and took a few minutes to watch some TV, which is something I was never able to do when my husband was around. The problem with a small 1-bedroom apartment is that you’re always in everyone’s business. It was even worse in the studio, but still pretty bad in the current setup. And at least I don’t have to listen to his stupid music anymore!
I think what he needs in life is a woman who will be totally subservient to him. Unfortunately, I’m not that type, nor will I ever be – in fact, I need a man who will be a little subservient to me, I think. For him, in his situation, good luck finding that. I guess same to me. He’s had many relationships in his life, but the two he points out the most are me and a girlfriend he had before his ex-wife. We had very similar characteristics and in both cases, he royally fudged the relationship up.
When he came back to me after his overseas fucking frenzy, he said he realized that he didn’t want to mess up another similar relationship to that first girlfriend. A noble thought, but he didn’t really take care to realize what he could do to maintain the relationship. As I’ve noticed, he treats his family like dirt in comparison to non-family. He’s never bought me flowers, any gifts that I’d like (only educational gifts that we could use together), never bothered to find out what media I like (or make fun of it), and never offered to take me out to anywhere he didn’t want to go.
Ah, well. Lessons for next time, eh?
For me, I’ve been on a big self-improvement kick. For the first time in years I’m flossing and pumicing my calluses. Sounds petty, but they’re things important to keep up, for self-esteem purposes. I’ve noticed that my two front teeth are taking on a little bit of a gap, Madonna style! Yikes! When did all this happen?
Another thing I’m excited about is my home improvement project. It’s going to take a while of piecing things together, but I have somewhat of a vision of what I want and it’s exciting to see things slowly come together. I’m going to refurbish everything – from my shower curtain, to my comforter, to my tv stand, and even create a little “school” area in the living room for the baby. Such cool things ahead!
Sometime before the baby was born and after a typical fight, my mother-in-law made a good observation, “You know, he doesn’t like it when we reject him.” Well, my problem isn’t with rejecting him, it’s about being realistic about life – in my mind, there are certain obligations and responsibilities and plain old good behavior that he is lacking regarding me as his wife and with relation to his son. He refuses to see a therapist (since he thinks he’s smarter than them), but this is exactly WHY he needs to see someone.
At least it’s off my head, now. Phew. I feel like I dodged a bullet, big time. Last night was possibly my best since I’ve been on my own. I did some cooking, cleaning and took a few minutes to watch some TV, which is something I was never able to do when my husband was around. The problem with a small 1-bedroom apartment is that you’re always in everyone’s business. It was even worse in the studio, but still pretty bad in the current setup. And at least I don’t have to listen to his stupid music anymore!
I think what he needs in life is a woman who will be totally subservient to him. Unfortunately, I’m not that type, nor will I ever be – in fact, I need a man who will be a little subservient to me, I think. For him, in his situation, good luck finding that. I guess same to me. He’s had many relationships in his life, but the two he points out the most are me and a girlfriend he had before his ex-wife. We had very similar characteristics and in both cases, he royally fudged the relationship up.
When he came back to me after his overseas fucking frenzy, he said he realized that he didn’t want to mess up another similar relationship to that first girlfriend. A noble thought, but he didn’t really take care to realize what he could do to maintain the relationship. As I’ve noticed, he treats his family like dirt in comparison to non-family. He’s never bought me flowers, any gifts that I’d like (only educational gifts that we could use together), never bothered to find out what media I like (or make fun of it), and never offered to take me out to anywhere he didn’t want to go.
Ah, well. Lessons for next time, eh?
For me, I’ve been on a big self-improvement kick. For the first time in years I’m flossing and pumicing my calluses. Sounds petty, but they’re things important to keep up, for self-esteem purposes. I’ve noticed that my two front teeth are taking on a little bit of a gap, Madonna style! Yikes! When did all this happen?
Another thing I’m excited about is my home improvement project. It’s going to take a while of piecing things together, but I have somewhat of a vision of what I want and it’s exciting to see things slowly come together. I’m going to refurbish everything – from my shower curtain, to my comforter, to my tv stand, and even create a little “school” area in the living room for the baby. Such cool things ahead!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Freaking frustrated ….
Considering that I’m working on letting go and letting God, my husband in his infinitely stupid ways is making it very difficult for me to do so.
One thing I know about life is that the people who complain about others people’s faults have blinders on to their own faults. It’s that old SNL skit that when you point the finger at someone, you have three pointing right back at you. So is the case here.
He just loooooooooooves to criticize people for their perceived imperfections, while regretting to notice his lineup of problems, all of which I’ve thoroughly explained. My biggest peeve related to this is that he has this arrogance, a sense of entitlement that his views are greater than anyone and he is blind to everything else, despite the fact that I’ve proven him wrong on several occasions. He also finds a way to justify everything, no matter how wrong he is. That’s his life. He’s pretty stupid.
For the past 3 weeks I haven’t had any internet access at home relating to our breakup. In the midst of our fight, I announced I would disconnect his cell phone since he’s on my plan. I didn’t end up doing this, because I don’t have the $250 it costs to do it, but he went right ahead and cut off our phone/dsl line. Now, I’m not home 3 nights a week and most of those nights I’m positively exhausted, which means I haven’t had the chance to follow up on all of this, plus the fact that the phone company is not open during the weekends. It’s taken this long for me to find out that there is a major problem somewhere and it’s going to take at least another week before things are up and running. His justification? If I could have, I WOULD have cut off his cell phone.
This. Is. What. Makes. Me. mad. I really want to bash his head into the ground. I want someone, somewhere to knock some sense into him. He clearly has none.
Again, this is a lesson, but I don’t know how much of his arrogance and stupidity I can take even though we’re not together anymore. He’s clearly on his own agenda, so maybe I have to realize that and just completely write this off. I just can’t help but complain inside my head about his parents. I know they were divorced and the kids had problems adjusting to this, but at some point they really had to let go of their “guilt”. The guilt is what keeps his mom his virtual maid and his dad his bank account. At age 34.
I’m still waiting on the diapers he said he’d buy on Saturday, and the toy for the baby. Another empty promise, another one to chalk up on the board. I have the feeling that when our son gets older, he’s going to be the type to promise to show up to games/events/parties and then we’ll never hear from him, only to have him claim he’s busy with something. It breaks my heart for the baby.
My friend, the sage, said something to me when she found out I was having a boy all those months ago – “It takes a strong woman to raise a boy.” That’s the honest truth. Even if we’d stayed together, I knew I would have to be the mom and dad, and now even more so. I just don’t want my baby growing up wondering where his daddy is and why can’t his dad come to his games like everyone else.
One of my sticking points lately was my husband’s refusal to come to any of the baby prep classes. I signed us up for Lamaze, newborn care, and cpr. I was the only person there with my mother-in-law, or completely alone, like CPR. The only one. His mom makes the excuse that a lot of guys don’t do that – but I refute that telling her didn’t she see all the husbands in the classes???? There were so many!
There was one occasion when I was able to drag my husband to Lamaze, and it was completely regrettable. He intentionally parked extremely close to a car that had taken up two spaces so that the driver wouldn’t be able to get into their car. I’ll spare the details, but it involved security, the police, a mob of angry women, and me, left alone in tears. When I bring this up, my husband claims I’m not on his side.
But you didn’t have to instigate it, and that’s the point! There were so many other parking spots around!
When he wants me to do something, it’s now or never, or I’m faced with a barrage of insults. When I want him to do something, it’s never and I’m guaranteed a “fuck you, you fucking bitch”.
When I think about how much of the last three years I’ve spent in tears …. I’m happy that there are no tears anymore.
One thing I know about life is that the people who complain about others people’s faults have blinders on to their own faults. It’s that old SNL skit that when you point the finger at someone, you have three pointing right back at you. So is the case here.
He just loooooooooooves to criticize people for their perceived imperfections, while regretting to notice his lineup of problems, all of which I’ve thoroughly explained. My biggest peeve related to this is that he has this arrogance, a sense of entitlement that his views are greater than anyone and he is blind to everything else, despite the fact that I’ve proven him wrong on several occasions. He also finds a way to justify everything, no matter how wrong he is. That’s his life. He’s pretty stupid.
For the past 3 weeks I haven’t had any internet access at home relating to our breakup. In the midst of our fight, I announced I would disconnect his cell phone since he’s on my plan. I didn’t end up doing this, because I don’t have the $250 it costs to do it, but he went right ahead and cut off our phone/dsl line. Now, I’m not home 3 nights a week and most of those nights I’m positively exhausted, which means I haven’t had the chance to follow up on all of this, plus the fact that the phone company is not open during the weekends. It’s taken this long for me to find out that there is a major problem somewhere and it’s going to take at least another week before things are up and running. His justification? If I could have, I WOULD have cut off his cell phone.
This. Is. What. Makes. Me. mad. I really want to bash his head into the ground. I want someone, somewhere to knock some sense into him. He clearly has none.
Again, this is a lesson, but I don’t know how much of his arrogance and stupidity I can take even though we’re not together anymore. He’s clearly on his own agenda, so maybe I have to realize that and just completely write this off. I just can’t help but complain inside my head about his parents. I know they were divorced and the kids had problems adjusting to this, but at some point they really had to let go of their “guilt”. The guilt is what keeps his mom his virtual maid and his dad his bank account. At age 34.
I’m still waiting on the diapers he said he’d buy on Saturday, and the toy for the baby. Another empty promise, another one to chalk up on the board. I have the feeling that when our son gets older, he’s going to be the type to promise to show up to games/events/parties and then we’ll never hear from him, only to have him claim he’s busy with something. It breaks my heart for the baby.
My friend, the sage, said something to me when she found out I was having a boy all those months ago – “It takes a strong woman to raise a boy.” That’s the honest truth. Even if we’d stayed together, I knew I would have to be the mom and dad, and now even more so. I just don’t want my baby growing up wondering where his daddy is and why can’t his dad come to his games like everyone else.
One of my sticking points lately was my husband’s refusal to come to any of the baby prep classes. I signed us up for Lamaze, newborn care, and cpr. I was the only person there with my mother-in-law, or completely alone, like CPR. The only one. His mom makes the excuse that a lot of guys don’t do that – but I refute that telling her didn’t she see all the husbands in the classes???? There were so many!
There was one occasion when I was able to drag my husband to Lamaze, and it was completely regrettable. He intentionally parked extremely close to a car that had taken up two spaces so that the driver wouldn’t be able to get into their car. I’ll spare the details, but it involved security, the police, a mob of angry women, and me, left alone in tears. When I bring this up, my husband claims I’m not on his side.
But you didn’t have to instigate it, and that’s the point! There were so many other parking spots around!
When he wants me to do something, it’s now or never, or I’m faced with a barrage of insults. When I want him to do something, it’s never and I’m guaranteed a “fuck you, you fucking bitch”.
When I think about how much of the last three years I’ve spent in tears …. I’m happy that there are no tears anymore.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I am more than this ….
The weekend was better than I thought it would be. Well, that’s a lie. The recovery from Saturday was a nightmare! We left my mom’s house at 10:30 in the am, I dashed over to Costco and my local farm-fresh store, fed the baby, saw my husband unexpectedly at home, dashed to my son’s great-grandma’s, picking up some frozen yogurt from my favorite place in my old neighborhood, came home, had a MacGyver moment involving a crying baby, Target, and no water in his formula bottles, got home, and had an exhausted and screaming baby on my hands until midnight.
Sigh. Motherhood is not for the weak at heart. He was just besides himself with tears, and I felt so bad. Maybe it was the fact that I put him in his Tootsie Roll outfit from Halloween that threw him over the edge???
He ended up sleeping in my bed for the first time and we slept in until 9:30 the next morning, which was a total first since he’s been born. He felt better, I felt better, and it was so sweet to cuddle up with him like that. It makes me wonder, does he remember being inside of me? Who knows with babies. He’s pretty smart, that one, though. I could fill a whole other blog with his adventures in cuteness.
His dad’s appearance was unexpected, to say the least. He was taking some stuff with him, and at the end said he wanted to get something for the baby at Babies R Us. I didn’t have time to go, and I knew it was an empty promise, anyway. He hasn’t called or mentioned it since. When I was at his mom’s house, I saw a paper with some lawyer’s names on it … knew it … I called his number a long time ago. He does not have a lawyer, he has NAMES of lawyers, one of them had a $2500 retainer fee which I KNOW he can’t afford. That fucker.
On Sunday, the baby was napping in my arms and I turned on the TV to the Iranian channel. Something about seeing my heritage and thinking about how much I want to pass it on to my son (in a relaxed way – not my husband forcing it on us) and how I can’t wait to do all the little traditions with him made me cry really blubbery, emotional tears. I looked around my cluttered, teensy apartment and had a Scarlett O’Hara moment:
“I am MORE than this! I am going to build a good life for my son. I can, I am and I will!”
After I put the baby down, I went on a reorganization frenzy that would put the Extreme Home Makeover crew to shame. I got rid of all of my husbands doo dads and crap and now the place passes for an adults home, not a college student’s, and I have plans for more. Now, there’s room for the baby to roam about ,and that’s what I really wanted – not bags of Billy Idol cds all over the place. I also turned the couch back into a COUCH – it is not a bed!!!! Ikea, here I come!
Having my home described as a “college students” a week before we broke up with one of my husband’s friends. Incidentally, all of my husband’s friends are all at least 10 years younger than him and still in college. He has very few adult friends of the same age. Anyway, that was the WRONG thing to say to me at the WRONG time … I mentioned it to my husband and he said, “But we ARE college students!”
True, but when you’re almost 30 and 35, having a college student décor really isn’t cute anymore! We’re 5 and 10 years away from 40, for pete’s sake! When will it be ok to NOT have a college student décor, when we’re 60??? At the rate we were going, YES!!! When we first moved in, his idea of décor was cardboard boxes and red produce crates. I’m serious. Totally serious. The first thing I did when he told me he wasn’t coming back the first time around was to throw that crap away! Along with all of his clothes and personal effects. It felt good and the neighborhood homeless people appreciated it. That’s the beauty of West Los Angeles – nothing goes to waste!
When we were at his grandparent’s house over Christmas, his aunt and uncle made a really good point about teaching language/culture to kids that I totally agree with, but sent my husband on a screaming rampage. After he went on about the curriculum he has planned for our son, they said you can’t force it on anyone too much or they will resent you – from my experience, it’s so right, so true. My husband had tried that curriculum with me when we got together and I still resent him for it.
He was determined to bring me up to snuff, as he thought I was way below his level. I took numerous classes, read too many books, and after all the berating from him that came with it, I never want to think about certain subjects for a very long time, if ever again! I realize it is important to know about this stuff, but you really can’t force people to be enthusiastic about stuff they don’t want to be. Lately, he’d been nagging me to watch Amadeus and would make some smarmy comments about my level of unintelligence (per his perception) when I told him I hadn’t watched it yet. Uh, yeah – after working a full 40 hours a week, commuting, taking care of the baby, cooking and cleaning, WATCHING A MOVIE IS THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH – just thinking about his nasty attitude towards me regarding that makes me want to tear out my hair. It’s not like he was ever helpful around the house, which is what makes the separation a bit easier.
One thing I realized during my Scarlett O’Hara moment is that what I truly want in my life is a happy home and a partner to share it with. My husband, I realize, has not been my partner maybe ever in the relationship. When I look back at our marriage, my view of him is turned away from me and at the computer. He has been turned away from me and at his computer for the last 3 years – and that’s the truth. Even in the early days, he would send me on hikes with his friends with the promise he’d join us some day soon. It will always be some day soon – never NOW. I even go to all our events alone – he promises he’ll join me someday soon. Part of me is relieved because without him around, there’s definitely not going to be a shit storm around the corner.
And that’s sad.
Sigh. Motherhood is not for the weak at heart. He was just besides himself with tears, and I felt so bad. Maybe it was the fact that I put him in his Tootsie Roll outfit from Halloween that threw him over the edge???
He ended up sleeping in my bed for the first time and we slept in until 9:30 the next morning, which was a total first since he’s been born. He felt better, I felt better, and it was so sweet to cuddle up with him like that. It makes me wonder, does he remember being inside of me? Who knows with babies. He’s pretty smart, that one, though. I could fill a whole other blog with his adventures in cuteness.
His dad’s appearance was unexpected, to say the least. He was taking some stuff with him, and at the end said he wanted to get something for the baby at Babies R Us. I didn’t have time to go, and I knew it was an empty promise, anyway. He hasn’t called or mentioned it since. When I was at his mom’s house, I saw a paper with some lawyer’s names on it … knew it … I called his number a long time ago. He does not have a lawyer, he has NAMES of lawyers, one of them had a $2500 retainer fee which I KNOW he can’t afford. That fucker.
On Sunday, the baby was napping in my arms and I turned on the TV to the Iranian channel. Something about seeing my heritage and thinking about how much I want to pass it on to my son (in a relaxed way – not my husband forcing it on us) and how I can’t wait to do all the little traditions with him made me cry really blubbery, emotional tears. I looked around my cluttered, teensy apartment and had a Scarlett O’Hara moment:
“I am MORE than this! I am going to build a good life for my son. I can, I am and I will!”
After I put the baby down, I went on a reorganization frenzy that would put the Extreme Home Makeover crew to shame. I got rid of all of my husbands doo dads and crap and now the place passes for an adults home, not a college student’s, and I have plans for more. Now, there’s room for the baby to roam about ,and that’s what I really wanted – not bags of Billy Idol cds all over the place. I also turned the couch back into a COUCH – it is not a bed!!!! Ikea, here I come!
Having my home described as a “college students” a week before we broke up with one of my husband’s friends. Incidentally, all of my husband’s friends are all at least 10 years younger than him and still in college. He has very few adult friends of the same age. Anyway, that was the WRONG thing to say to me at the WRONG time … I mentioned it to my husband and he said, “But we ARE college students!”
True, but when you’re almost 30 and 35, having a college student décor really isn’t cute anymore! We’re 5 and 10 years away from 40, for pete’s sake! When will it be ok to NOT have a college student décor, when we’re 60??? At the rate we were going, YES!!! When we first moved in, his idea of décor was cardboard boxes and red produce crates. I’m serious. Totally serious. The first thing I did when he told me he wasn’t coming back the first time around was to throw that crap away! Along with all of his clothes and personal effects. It felt good and the neighborhood homeless people appreciated it. That’s the beauty of West Los Angeles – nothing goes to waste!
When we were at his grandparent’s house over Christmas, his aunt and uncle made a really good point about teaching language/culture to kids that I totally agree with, but sent my husband on a screaming rampage. After he went on about the curriculum he has planned for our son, they said you can’t force it on anyone too much or they will resent you – from my experience, it’s so right, so true. My husband had tried that curriculum with me when we got together and I still resent him for it.
He was determined to bring me up to snuff, as he thought I was way below his level. I took numerous classes, read too many books, and after all the berating from him that came with it, I never want to think about certain subjects for a very long time, if ever again! I realize it is important to know about this stuff, but you really can’t force people to be enthusiastic about stuff they don’t want to be. Lately, he’d been nagging me to watch Amadeus and would make some smarmy comments about my level of unintelligence (per his perception) when I told him I hadn’t watched it yet. Uh, yeah – after working a full 40 hours a week, commuting, taking care of the baby, cooking and cleaning, WATCHING A MOVIE IS THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH – just thinking about his nasty attitude towards me regarding that makes me want to tear out my hair. It’s not like he was ever helpful around the house, which is what makes the separation a bit easier.
One thing I realized during my Scarlett O’Hara moment is that what I truly want in my life is a happy home and a partner to share it with. My husband, I realize, has not been my partner maybe ever in the relationship. When I look back at our marriage, my view of him is turned away from me and at the computer. He has been turned away from me and at his computer for the last 3 years – and that’s the truth. Even in the early days, he would send me on hikes with his friends with the promise he’d join us some day soon. It will always be some day soon – never NOW. I even go to all our events alone – he promises he’ll join me someday soon. Part of me is relieved because without him around, there’s definitely not going to be a shit storm around the corner.
And that’s sad.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Yes, I am actually getting work done today ...
A couple months ago, one of my husband’s friends came over with his girlfriend to visit our baby. Unlike most of my husband’s friends, I really like this guy and his girlfriend and we get along great. He is gorgeous – and like a brother to me. When I met his friend, we had just started dating and all I remember thinking was, “Why am I not dating him instead?” I really did.
Anyway, his girlfriend is gorgeous. She is the girl you really, really, really want to hate because she is so flawlessly and naturally beautiful, but you can’t hate her at all because she has such a great personality and is so down to earth.
She was MISERABLE – their relationship had taken a turn for the worst – extreme overcomfort! He’s still living with mom, mom and girlfriend don’t get along, he doesn’t want to move out at all even though she’s been begging him to do so, so they spend weekends at his dad’s and she’s extremely embarrassed. Besides that, the previously gorgeous guy has (shock of all shocks, really) LET HIMSELF GO and is sporting a relationship paunch.
I couldn’t say anything to her complaints because what I really wanted to tell her was: “RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIRL, RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”
That was me about 2 ½ years ago – not wanting to leave a troubled relationship, but not wanting to stay in the uncomfortable situation.
We all learn something along the way. What I’ve learned is how I’m going to raise my baby boy. I love him to pieces and he is the most important person in my life, but at some point, I realize I have to cut the cord and let him survive in the world on his own. The day I see him on his own, independently taking care of his self and his family, will be the most proud moment of my life, because I’ll know I raised a good human being.
Anyway, his girlfriend is gorgeous. She is the girl you really, really, really want to hate because she is so flawlessly and naturally beautiful, but you can’t hate her at all because she has such a great personality and is so down to earth.
She was MISERABLE – their relationship had taken a turn for the worst – extreme overcomfort! He’s still living with mom, mom and girlfriend don’t get along, he doesn’t want to move out at all even though she’s been begging him to do so, so they spend weekends at his dad’s and she’s extremely embarrassed. Besides that, the previously gorgeous guy has (shock of all shocks, really) LET HIMSELF GO and is sporting a relationship paunch.
I couldn’t say anything to her complaints because what I really wanted to tell her was: “RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIRL, RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”
That was me about 2 ½ years ago – not wanting to leave a troubled relationship, but not wanting to stay in the uncomfortable situation.
We all learn something along the way. What I’ve learned is how I’m going to raise my baby boy. I love him to pieces and he is the most important person in my life, but at some point, I realize I have to cut the cord and let him survive in the world on his own. The day I see him on his own, independently taking care of his self and his family, will be the most proud moment of my life, because I’ll know I raised a good human being.
Another reason I’m angry at my husband…
In comparison to him, I have been extremely chaste during our separations. My husband was my first and only (he didn’t believe me, but again, that’s another story).
The first time around, he started looking for someone to date as soon as he got off the airplane. While I was mourning our relationship, he was moving from woman to woman to woman. One man did express interest in me, but I wasn’t all that into him, plus I just wasn’t ready yet. However, it was completely the opposite with my husband. Fuck and dump could be his motto.
When we broke up around Christmas this year, he called his “Plan B” (his words, not mine) as soon as he could.
It BUGS me that he has no problem getting any action. It BUGS me that he can tell a woman he’s separated and they jump right on him. It BUGS me that someone else can fall for him and his tricks just as easily as I did. Most of all it MAKES ME SO MAD HE HAS A PLAN B IN THE FIRST PLACE!
I just seethe anger thinking about it.
When you’re married, you shouldn’t have a plan b in the first place. I had a boss that did and it was very ugly – she lied to her husband all the time, cheated on him all the time, and spread the gospel to all her underlings – you should ALWAYS have a plan b.
What the fuck is that all about? When I am in a marriage with someone, they are my only plan and I expect likewise, otherwise, it’s not a marriage, IT’S A JOKE!!!!! Just admit what it is – a joke and a roommate situation with benefits!
This time around, I am a busy mom of an infant. While my husband is able to fuck and dump as he pleases, the reality of my situation is I will probably not go on a date for the next 2 to 3 years. It’s highly unfair. Highly.
The first time around, he started looking for someone to date as soon as he got off the airplane. While I was mourning our relationship, he was moving from woman to woman to woman. One man did express interest in me, but I wasn’t all that into him, plus I just wasn’t ready yet. However, it was completely the opposite with my husband. Fuck and dump could be his motto.
When we broke up around Christmas this year, he called his “Plan B” (his words, not mine) as soon as he could.
It BUGS me that he has no problem getting any action. It BUGS me that he can tell a woman he’s separated and they jump right on him. It BUGS me that someone else can fall for him and his tricks just as easily as I did. Most of all it MAKES ME SO MAD HE HAS A PLAN B IN THE FIRST PLACE!
I just seethe anger thinking about it.
When you’re married, you shouldn’t have a plan b in the first place. I had a boss that did and it was very ugly – she lied to her husband all the time, cheated on him all the time, and spread the gospel to all her underlings – you should ALWAYS have a plan b.
What the fuck is that all about? When I am in a marriage with someone, they are my only plan and I expect likewise, otherwise, it’s not a marriage, IT’S A JOKE!!!!! Just admit what it is – a joke and a roommate situation with benefits!
This time around, I am a busy mom of an infant. While my husband is able to fuck and dump as he pleases, the reality of my situation is I will probably not go on a date for the next 2 to 3 years. It’s highly unfair. Highly.
Breathe in, breathe out
Writing this blog has been the most cathartic thing I could do for myself and my mental health. My eyes are opening to what I’ve held myself back from for years. I can date it all back to my move from Northern to Southern California.
The blog isn’t as anon as it used to be, since I’ve been telling some of my nearest and dearest about it. However, it is allowing me to speak my mind for the first time in years without worrying about offending certain people or saying something on myspace that can be used as gossip fodder immediately. No one who doesn’t need to know about this blog does.
For the past 4-5 years, I haven’t known who ME really is … I’ve always felt overshadowed by the people I’m surrounded by.
Along with the internet dating derby at the same job was the psychic friends fever of ’04. The problem with working at this particular job is that it was full of attention-seekers. I’ll let you in on a secret – makeup artists are by and large nutty. Very nutty and self-centered. Everyone wants to be the next Kevyn Aucoin and is dying to prove it and be at the top of the alpha chain. Maybe just the ones I worked with, but that was my experience.
So, there were these two particular ones I worked with, A and B. The details aren’t important yet, but they were both divorcing moms who took me under their fold, mainly, I think, because I listened to them and didn’t judge very much. One of them was divorcing under unethical circumstances, which ended our friendship. One thing about me is that if someone does something that truly violates my code of ethics, I can cut them off very fast and never talk to them again. Apparently, this didn’t work so well with my relationship with my husband. Apparently it took 3 years for this to kick in!
So, besides the ongoing internet dating derby, A and B were way into finding out about the future. A was all into tarot cards, astrology, and the like and B had a natural knack for tarot cards. The problem with all of this stuff is that if you start doing it seriously, not just for kicks, it BECOMES your life. You start to base your daily decisions on “predictions” and become obsessed with what COULD be, instead of what IS.
I really don’t doubt that there are some individuals who are extremely in tune to their sixth sense at all. In fact, I highly believe in it. However, there is just a point of obsession that cannot be crossed and as I’ve learned from a very dear friend and sage, you just have to let go, and LET GOD at some point.
While I was working at this job, a psychic happens to come in and I end up going to see her. She reads my cards and proclaims that everything in my life will be EASY … I have nothing to worry about. She says I’ll have a baby, a car, and a kid eventually. She sells me a candle, evil eye bracelets, and some kind of voodoo-y thing that I have to break on midnight on New Year’s Eve. I’m not one to say if she was on the ball with everything, but I think something deep inside of me reacted to her proclamation that everything in life would be easy for me. Maybe I didn’t want easy. Maybe I wanted to make life harder for myself.
Is that true? Hard to tell, but I’m still waiting on the house and the car.
What I’m realizing, as a result of writing, and deep-thoughts (not with Jack Handy), is that I have to re-evaluate what is important to me. After years of losing sight of ME, I need to figure out what I want to do. One of the blessings about my relationship is that it was such the opposite spectrum of what I want in life. When I went into the relationship, I was kind of clueless as to what I wanted, having been very sheltered my whole life. I did figure out that what I had is not what I wanted in life. Now, I know what I want for me, for my child and for our futures. I haven’t figured out how to get there, but I am on the path to it.
The blog isn’t as anon as it used to be, since I’ve been telling some of my nearest and dearest about it. However, it is allowing me to speak my mind for the first time in years without worrying about offending certain people or saying something on myspace that can be used as gossip fodder immediately. No one who doesn’t need to know about this blog does.
For the past 4-5 years, I haven’t known who ME really is … I’ve always felt overshadowed by the people I’m surrounded by.
Along with the internet dating derby at the same job was the psychic friends fever of ’04. The problem with working at this particular job is that it was full of attention-seekers. I’ll let you in on a secret – makeup artists are by and large nutty. Very nutty and self-centered. Everyone wants to be the next Kevyn Aucoin and is dying to prove it and be at the top of the alpha chain. Maybe just the ones I worked with, but that was my experience.
So, there were these two particular ones I worked with, A and B. The details aren’t important yet, but they were both divorcing moms who took me under their fold, mainly, I think, because I listened to them and didn’t judge very much. One of them was divorcing under unethical circumstances, which ended our friendship. One thing about me is that if someone does something that truly violates my code of ethics, I can cut them off very fast and never talk to them again. Apparently, this didn’t work so well with my relationship with my husband. Apparently it took 3 years for this to kick in!
So, besides the ongoing internet dating derby, A and B were way into finding out about the future. A was all into tarot cards, astrology, and the like and B had a natural knack for tarot cards. The problem with all of this stuff is that if you start doing it seriously, not just for kicks, it BECOMES your life. You start to base your daily decisions on “predictions” and become obsessed with what COULD be, instead of what IS.
I really don’t doubt that there are some individuals who are extremely in tune to their sixth sense at all. In fact, I highly believe in it. However, there is just a point of obsession that cannot be crossed and as I’ve learned from a very dear friend and sage, you just have to let go, and LET GOD at some point.
While I was working at this job, a psychic happens to come in and I end up going to see her. She reads my cards and proclaims that everything in my life will be EASY … I have nothing to worry about. She says I’ll have a baby, a car, and a kid eventually. She sells me a candle, evil eye bracelets, and some kind of voodoo-y thing that I have to break on midnight on New Year’s Eve. I’m not one to say if she was on the ball with everything, but I think something deep inside of me reacted to her proclamation that everything in life would be easy for me. Maybe I didn’t want easy. Maybe I wanted to make life harder for myself.
Is that true? Hard to tell, but I’m still waiting on the house and the car.
What I’m realizing, as a result of writing, and deep-thoughts (not with Jack Handy), is that I have to re-evaluate what is important to me. After years of losing sight of ME, I need to figure out what I want to do. One of the blessings about my relationship is that it was such the opposite spectrum of what I want in life. When I went into the relationship, I was kind of clueless as to what I wanted, having been very sheltered my whole life. I did figure out that what I had is not what I wanted in life. Now, I know what I want for me, for my child and for our futures. I haven’t figured out how to get there, but I am on the path to it.
Trying to figure out where I went wrong.
There were so many chances in the development of my relationship with my husband where I had the opportunity to pull the plug and really should have. In retrospect, I see a very fearful person who didn’t know what she would do without this person and depended on his attention, as warped as it was. He has done things, through the years, with the deliberate intention of bringing me down, and I’ve pretty much taken it the whole time.
My mom and dad had their fights when I was growing up. Bad fights that scared me very much. But, as my mom said, my dad never, ever said anything to put her down. Never.
There was this one time when we were dating and eating at the Costco food court that he was going on and on and on about my flaws – how I’m lopsided, how I’m fat, how I’m stupid, etc. He was saying this in a joking way, but he was very serious. A woman comes up to me and says, “Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful. I noticed the way you held yourself and your strength just comes through.” Husband went right back to “You’re fat, you’re lopsided, you’re stupid, you’re shit for brains.”
There was another time when we went skiing, me for the first time ever. He was so desperate to get me to ski, he took me at night when it was icy, a very ill-advised suggestion. He said I was just clumsy and any one could do it. Ummmm … What ended up happening – I am flying down a hill at several miles an hour and bump into a freaking wood fence, my right knee the site of impact. He brushed my hair and said “aww”, then stomped away MAD because it meant that he couldn’t ski anymore because he didn’t want to ski without me, even though I’d never ever skied before. He continued to be MAD at me for the rest of the night and suggested I walk it off. I never want to ski ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever again in my lifetime. Ever.
When I met him, he was paying $100 a month in rent to sleep on his couch in a dilapidated downtown Los Angeles living with 6 other migrants. Maybe a couple more here and there. Calling the building dilapidated is KIND. The department of health had actually condemned it at some point. He spent the majority of time sleeping in various lounges at UCLA. Somehow, I was attracted to this. Maybe it was his rebellious spirit and the hope he had for building a future that did it. I don’t know, but I bought it! The day we came back from our wedding, he insisted we stay there with his roommate sleeping in the room with us. I refused to use the bathroom and kept my eyes open for most of the night. He then suggested we live there. I had to put my foot down. One of the rare occasions I spoke my mind.
I contracted something from him that will stay with me forever (not aids or hiv) and the first time I was under attack by it, I was in a tremendous amount of pain. It was mind-boggling pain that rivaled the pain I felt when I was in labor with the baby. It was so bad I had to go to the emergency room so I could be treated. While I was waiting, he asked if he could leave so he could go do his schoolwork. I was treated, given morphine, and went home by myself. I also took care of myself for the next week, and had a catheter attached to my leg for a week. He suggested his mom could come and take care of me. And yes, I continued seeing him.
Why, why, why??? Writing this down is breaking my heart for myself! Why couldn’t I say no ….
When he came back from his overseas fucking frenzy, we started spending a lot of time with each other. The first time I saw him after his departure, abrupt breakup and unexpected return, all I could think was: “What did I see in that bratwurst?” He really looked like a white sausage. And yet, we started spending more and more time with each other as friends. I was newly thin, had a good new job and at a good place confidence wise. I had a roommate who was driving me crazy with his mooching ways, but that’s besides the point. Eventually, I let my husband back into my life. At the time, I encouraged him to leave, but he insisted on staying. Things were really good for a while … a new normalcy with a different level of respect for each other. I think things started going downhill during my pregnancy. I was scared, he wouldn’t communicate, and we drifted apart and things were back to the old normal again, including the lack of respect. He didn’t respect me and how could I respect that, on top of the feelings of anger I carried from our breakup. How could I let anyone treat me that way as far as I’d come and in light of the baby I was carrying?
My mom and dad had their fights when I was growing up. Bad fights that scared me very much. But, as my mom said, my dad never, ever said anything to put her down. Never.
There was this one time when we were dating and eating at the Costco food court that he was going on and on and on about my flaws – how I’m lopsided, how I’m fat, how I’m stupid, etc. He was saying this in a joking way, but he was very serious. A woman comes up to me and says, “Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful. I noticed the way you held yourself and your strength just comes through.” Husband went right back to “You’re fat, you’re lopsided, you’re stupid, you’re shit for brains.”
There was another time when we went skiing, me for the first time ever. He was so desperate to get me to ski, he took me at night when it was icy, a very ill-advised suggestion. He said I was just clumsy and any one could do it. Ummmm … What ended up happening – I am flying down a hill at several miles an hour and bump into a freaking wood fence, my right knee the site of impact. He brushed my hair and said “aww”, then stomped away MAD because it meant that he couldn’t ski anymore because he didn’t want to ski without me, even though I’d never ever skied before. He continued to be MAD at me for the rest of the night and suggested I walk it off. I never want to ski ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever again in my lifetime. Ever.
When I met him, he was paying $100 a month in rent to sleep on his couch in a dilapidated downtown Los Angeles living with 6 other migrants. Maybe a couple more here and there. Calling the building dilapidated is KIND. The department of health had actually condemned it at some point. He spent the majority of time sleeping in various lounges at UCLA. Somehow, I was attracted to this. Maybe it was his rebellious spirit and the hope he had for building a future that did it. I don’t know, but I bought it! The day we came back from our wedding, he insisted we stay there with his roommate sleeping in the room with us. I refused to use the bathroom and kept my eyes open for most of the night. He then suggested we live there. I had to put my foot down. One of the rare occasions I spoke my mind.
I contracted something from him that will stay with me forever (not aids or hiv) and the first time I was under attack by it, I was in a tremendous amount of pain. It was mind-boggling pain that rivaled the pain I felt when I was in labor with the baby. It was so bad I had to go to the emergency room so I could be treated. While I was waiting, he asked if he could leave so he could go do his schoolwork. I was treated, given morphine, and went home by myself. I also took care of myself for the next week, and had a catheter attached to my leg for a week. He suggested his mom could come and take care of me. And yes, I continued seeing him.
Why, why, why??? Writing this down is breaking my heart for myself! Why couldn’t I say no ….
When he came back from his overseas fucking frenzy, we started spending a lot of time with each other. The first time I saw him after his departure, abrupt breakup and unexpected return, all I could think was: “What did I see in that bratwurst?” He really looked like a white sausage. And yet, we started spending more and more time with each other as friends. I was newly thin, had a good new job and at a good place confidence wise. I had a roommate who was driving me crazy with his mooching ways, but that’s besides the point. Eventually, I let my husband back into my life. At the time, I encouraged him to leave, but he insisted on staying. Things were really good for a while … a new normalcy with a different level of respect for each other. I think things started going downhill during my pregnancy. I was scared, he wouldn’t communicate, and we drifted apart and things were back to the old normal again, including the lack of respect. He didn’t respect me and how could I respect that, on top of the feelings of anger I carried from our breakup. How could I let anyone treat me that way as far as I’d come and in light of the baby I was carrying?
I'm ok, You're ok, we're all ok ....
Ok, I was able to save my day without resorting to borrowing money. If there's one thing I hate, it's having to borrow money. It really, really, really, really embarrases me and makes me feel like a huge failure in life.
If only I could get my husband to see that. But, like I've said, I have to let go of that and accept that he never WILL understand that and move on.
About 8 years ago, I was all into yoga. Somewhere along the way, I decided (foolishly) that it was too popular for me and I didn't want to do it anymore. I don't know why - I'm just weird that way.
Anyway, about 8 years ago, when the story took place, I was working for a small, indie radio station in the SF Bay Area. We would all get passes to go to a very chic nearby gym and one day, my adventurous early -20s self decided to break my yoga cherry and take a lunchtime yoga class.
My big mistake was taking the ultra advanced yoga class. Ultra advanced as in I saw people literally flying all over the place and it deeply, deeply scared and scarred me. I mean, flying!
I was struggling and the teacher suggested I take off my socks. Back then I had toe issues. "Haven't you taken a yoga class before?", she asked in her glam hippie way? "Uh, yeah, duh." I replied in an awkward, stuck in a downward dog position, way.
Despite that fumble, I came back for less advanced classes and eventually took one which was possibly the best, most enlightening one ever. The instructor was a little beam of sunshine with a twinkle in her eye (literally) and she said something at one point which has always stayed with me.
"If you're stuck in a position, accept where you are, make peace with it, and move on."
Brilliant. I've kept that in mind over the years and I've tried to use it.
So, right now, I'm not in an ideal place. However, I have made so much progress in such a short amount of time and have made a decision to make my and my son's lives better. This is where I am, and it's not a bad place to be. I will have struggles, but I accept that, and I'm willing to find ways to go above them and learn from them.
Yes, I will.
If only I could get my husband to see that. But, like I've said, I have to let go of that and accept that he never WILL understand that and move on.
About 8 years ago, I was all into yoga. Somewhere along the way, I decided (foolishly) that it was too popular for me and I didn't want to do it anymore. I don't know why - I'm just weird that way.
Anyway, about 8 years ago, when the story took place, I was working for a small, indie radio station in the SF Bay Area. We would all get passes to go to a very chic nearby gym and one day, my adventurous early -20s self decided to break my yoga cherry and take a lunchtime yoga class.
My big mistake was taking the ultra advanced yoga class. Ultra advanced as in I saw people literally flying all over the place and it deeply, deeply scared and scarred me. I mean, flying!
I was struggling and the teacher suggested I take off my socks. Back then I had toe issues. "Haven't you taken a yoga class before?", she asked in her glam hippie way? "Uh, yeah, duh." I replied in an awkward, stuck in a downward dog position, way.
Despite that fumble, I came back for less advanced classes and eventually took one which was possibly the best, most enlightening one ever. The instructor was a little beam of sunshine with a twinkle in her eye (literally) and she said something at one point which has always stayed with me.
"If you're stuck in a position, accept where you are, make peace with it, and move on."
Brilliant. I've kept that in mind over the years and I've tried to use it.
So, right now, I'm not in an ideal place. However, I have made so much progress in such a short amount of time and have made a decision to make my and my son's lives better. This is where I am, and it's not a bad place to be. I will have struggles, but I accept that, and I'm willing to find ways to go above them and learn from them.
Yes, I will.
One of those mornings ...
The truth is, I'm scared. I'm very, very, very, very scared. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to make it on my income. I don't know how I'm going to be able to move forward and find a better job when our insurance comes from this current job.
I am scared.
But, to be honest, not as scared as I was when I was with my husband. The usual was me begging him for money and him making some smarmy remark about how I was a shopaholic.
Truth is -- I'm not! Maybe in the past I had some issues with money, but now everything goes to the essentials. He payed his half of the rent and a little more, I payed for everything else. And everything else is really expensive.
Today I'm scared because it's payday and it's one of those pay periods when my paycheck is smaller than usual because of the time keeping, and I don't know how in the hell I'm going to manage the rent, car insurance payment, cell phone payment, food, and gas with what I've been paid this week.
I'm going to have to ask my mother-in-law for a loan and this humiliates me. My parents give me some extra money every month, but it's just not enough to keep me afloat. I AM HUMILIATED BY THE FACT THAT I AM ALMOST 30 AND STILL HAVE TO ASK MY PARENTS FOR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't want to be here at almost age 30. A few years ago, my parents said I should be helping THEM (not that they need it, it's just the principle) and they're right.
I am praying for some kind of miracle -- I need to be able to make more money. I don't know how to do this. How can I cut corners when everything is at the bare minimum already?
This is one of the reasons I have had continual anger towards my husband in the last few months -- he never realized how much money I contribute to the household pot and how hard it is for me to keep it going and there is no way to communicate this to him. He brushes it off. When I needed a few extra dollars, I had to literally BEG him for it.
I can't move back home with my parents. I tried it a couple months ago for a week and the results were stressful, to say the least. It was if I had regressed 5 years and nothing had changed except for the baby.
Also, I have a lot of personal fears that I need to manage that are holding me back. It is a long road ahead, and I am just figuring out that I need to prepare myself for it.
The good news is, I'm not the only mother who has been in this situation. There are millions of others who have, and have THRIVED. I look to them for inspiration and support and hope that in just a short time, everything that I want for me and my son WILL happen.
My goal is to not be scared anymore.
I am scared.
But, to be honest, not as scared as I was when I was with my husband. The usual was me begging him for money and him making some smarmy remark about how I was a shopaholic.
Truth is -- I'm not! Maybe in the past I had some issues with money, but now everything goes to the essentials. He payed his half of the rent and a little more, I payed for everything else. And everything else is really expensive.
Today I'm scared because it's payday and it's one of those pay periods when my paycheck is smaller than usual because of the time keeping, and I don't know how in the hell I'm going to manage the rent, car insurance payment, cell phone payment, food, and gas with what I've been paid this week.
I'm going to have to ask my mother-in-law for a loan and this humiliates me. My parents give me some extra money every month, but it's just not enough to keep me afloat. I AM HUMILIATED BY THE FACT THAT I AM ALMOST 30 AND STILL HAVE TO ASK MY PARENTS FOR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't want to be here at almost age 30. A few years ago, my parents said I should be helping THEM (not that they need it, it's just the principle) and they're right.
I am praying for some kind of miracle -- I need to be able to make more money. I don't know how to do this. How can I cut corners when everything is at the bare minimum already?
This is one of the reasons I have had continual anger towards my husband in the last few months -- he never realized how much money I contribute to the household pot and how hard it is for me to keep it going and there is no way to communicate this to him. He brushes it off. When I needed a few extra dollars, I had to literally BEG him for it.
I can't move back home with my parents. I tried it a couple months ago for a week and the results were stressful, to say the least. It was if I had regressed 5 years and nothing had changed except for the baby.
Also, I have a lot of personal fears that I need to manage that are holding me back. It is a long road ahead, and I am just figuring out that I need to prepare myself for it.
The good news is, I'm not the only mother who has been in this situation. There are millions of others who have, and have THRIVED. I look to them for inspiration and support and hope that in just a short time, everything that I want for me and my son WILL happen.
My goal is to not be scared anymore.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I'm on a roll today ...
My mother-in-law is a dream mother-in-law. She is everything you would want, and then some. I love her very much, however, her relationship with my husband is one of the major reasons that he will never be good husband material.
She caters to his every need. She has a lot of guilt left over from his childhood, when he wasn’t treated very well by various relatives, including his dad. She still cries about this, 30-some years later. There’s no getting to the next level when he doesn’t HAVE to do any work.
When our son was just born and I had zero discretionary income and needed help buying some baby stuff, he would always defer the payment issues to his mom saying she’d take care of it. And she very eagerly did, which is nice and all – but she’s not the husband in the relationship! Can you see why it drove and drives me crazy??? He cannot accept responsibility and will always pawn it off to anyone else except for himself.
That is the main point, only that one. The main source of my frustration in the past year is that there is NO way to communicate my fears to him, which are:
We are very, very poor
I cannot pay for all the bills on my own – you providing the share on the rent and maybe a bit more for utilities is not enough
I need help and I need YOU to help me and I can’t make you understand this. I know you have plans for the future, but that is not NOW and NOW is when I need you to help me out financially.
I feel like I do more than my share in this marriage and it isn’t fair to me. I know you’re busy working on a book, etc, but I take on more responsibility than you financially and that is wrong to me. Why do I have to pay more than my share?
You had the chance to get a very lucrative part-time job and you ran away from it. Can you understand how that makes me feel? Why are you yelling about me being ingrateful when I barely have enough money to pay the basics and no, there is no way for me to save up because I’m paying for pretty much everything besides your share of the rent.
The money issue is one that drives me insane. I want to scream at the top of my lungs this very minute. When I was pregnant, there were no fewer than 4 missed job opportunities he dangled in front of my face, promising that when the baby was born I wouldn’t have to work so much. Here I am, baby is 6 months old, and I’m looking to find EXTRA work. Here are the jobs he turned down for various reasons:
Military officer
Police officer
Overseas contractor
Part-time limo driver
It’s just the constant stream of broken promises that has made me turn away from him, have broken my faith in him, and turned off the flow of love. I did love him and believed at him at one point, in spite of all the drama. Doesn’t he understand that screaming “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU” in my ears over and over when I’m 7 months pregnant, scared about paying for mounting bills, and he’s refusing job offers that my calling him “Loser” is not too far off base?
Now I want to cry.
She caters to his every need. She has a lot of guilt left over from his childhood, when he wasn’t treated very well by various relatives, including his dad. She still cries about this, 30-some years later. There’s no getting to the next level when he doesn’t HAVE to do any work.
When our son was just born and I had zero discretionary income and needed help buying some baby stuff, he would always defer the payment issues to his mom saying she’d take care of it. And she very eagerly did, which is nice and all – but she’s not the husband in the relationship! Can you see why it drove and drives me crazy??? He cannot accept responsibility and will always pawn it off to anyone else except for himself.
That is the main point, only that one. The main source of my frustration in the past year is that there is NO way to communicate my fears to him, which are:
We are very, very poor
I cannot pay for all the bills on my own – you providing the share on the rent and maybe a bit more for utilities is not enough
I need help and I need YOU to help me and I can’t make you understand this. I know you have plans for the future, but that is not NOW and NOW is when I need you to help me out financially.
I feel like I do more than my share in this marriage and it isn’t fair to me. I know you’re busy working on a book, etc, but I take on more responsibility than you financially and that is wrong to me. Why do I have to pay more than my share?
You had the chance to get a very lucrative part-time job and you ran away from it. Can you understand how that makes me feel? Why are you yelling about me being ingrateful when I barely have enough money to pay the basics and no, there is no way for me to save up because I’m paying for pretty much everything besides your share of the rent.
The money issue is one that drives me insane. I want to scream at the top of my lungs this very minute. When I was pregnant, there were no fewer than 4 missed job opportunities he dangled in front of my face, promising that when the baby was born I wouldn’t have to work so much. Here I am, baby is 6 months old, and I’m looking to find EXTRA work. Here are the jobs he turned down for various reasons:
Military officer
Police officer
Overseas contractor
Part-time limo driver
It’s just the constant stream of broken promises that has made me turn away from him, have broken my faith in him, and turned off the flow of love. I did love him and believed at him at one point, in spite of all the drama. Doesn’t he understand that screaming “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU” in my ears over and over when I’m 7 months pregnant, scared about paying for mounting bills, and he’s refusing job offers that my calling him “Loser” is not too far off base?
Now I want to cry.
Learning lessons
It’s amazing what a little freedom will do. When I started blogging a few short weeks ago, I felt like I had no voice, like I didn’t know the real me anymore. Now that my relationship is past, my feelings have changed. Every day, I’m getting reacquainted with me a little more. Now, my goal is to understand what happened in my marriage so I can avoid repeating the same mistakes and see what I need to do to improve my and my son’s lives.
It really feels GOOD to feel FREE … not afraid to say the wrong thing, not afraid to look the wrong way, not afraid to listen to the wrong music or watch the wrong tv shows. I might be wrong in my analysis, but my husband has severe inadequacy problems and uses his force as a front for it. Accusations of my stupidity, of me being low-brow because I wasn’t interested in certain movies, tv shows or music. Listen, mister, I’m so much more “brow” than you can handle, plus, I don’t feel the need to make others feel bad for my shortcomings.
Yes, you had a bad childhood, and yes, you’ve gotten the short end of the stick in life, but come on! Move on! You can’t keep blaming the world for why you’re still a student, why you have no savings, why you have no retirement fund, why you’re 35 and on marriage #2, why your dad still gives you money every month, why you’re driving a beater car, why your mom has to do everything for you, why you’re better than everyone. He’s right, everyone else is wrong. No matter what wrong he’s done, he manages to find some way to refute it and refuse to take responsibility.
What attracted me to him in the first place? I was a 25 year old virgin. I was living at home with my mom and dad forever and dying to get out in the world. Desperate for attention and affection. He gave it to me. He also thought I would teach him a language he wanted to know. When we started dating, he wanted to date someone who spoke a different language so he could learn it. Apparently I was one of many women he was seeing at the time.
When we started the relationship, we went from 0 -60 very fast. I took him home to meet mom and pop, they hated him. As crazy as they made me, I should have listened. They are very perceptive about people and their personalities. I refused to listed, rebellious, and moved out and cut communication. My to-be huband was abusive at the time, learning that I didn’t speak that language. I stayed because I was scared, attached, and didn’t know the difference between love and addiction.
It gives me the chills to talk about this, but it is very necessary. Very cathartic to me and I’m learning more and more about where I went wrong. I made the choice to stay in the bad relationship until he had to take the drastic measure to leave. I’m the one who chose to come back into the relationship and stayed until I took the drastic measures to get him to leave.
Despite all of this, I can’t help thinking that I will feel really stupid if he makes it big on his book. I think there’s something in the works and that’s why he’s pushing for a fast divorce because he said he won’t give me a dime of it.
It really feels GOOD to feel FREE … not afraid to say the wrong thing, not afraid to look the wrong way, not afraid to listen to the wrong music or watch the wrong tv shows. I might be wrong in my analysis, but my husband has severe inadequacy problems and uses his force as a front for it. Accusations of my stupidity, of me being low-brow because I wasn’t interested in certain movies, tv shows or music. Listen, mister, I’m so much more “brow” than you can handle, plus, I don’t feel the need to make others feel bad for my shortcomings.
Yes, you had a bad childhood, and yes, you’ve gotten the short end of the stick in life, but come on! Move on! You can’t keep blaming the world for why you’re still a student, why you have no savings, why you have no retirement fund, why you’re 35 and on marriage #2, why your dad still gives you money every month, why you’re driving a beater car, why your mom has to do everything for you, why you’re better than everyone. He’s right, everyone else is wrong. No matter what wrong he’s done, he manages to find some way to refute it and refuse to take responsibility.
What attracted me to him in the first place? I was a 25 year old virgin. I was living at home with my mom and dad forever and dying to get out in the world. Desperate for attention and affection. He gave it to me. He also thought I would teach him a language he wanted to know. When we started dating, he wanted to date someone who spoke a different language so he could learn it. Apparently I was one of many women he was seeing at the time.
When we started the relationship, we went from 0 -60 very fast. I took him home to meet mom and pop, they hated him. As crazy as they made me, I should have listened. They are very perceptive about people and their personalities. I refused to listed, rebellious, and moved out and cut communication. My to-be huband was abusive at the time, learning that I didn’t speak that language. I stayed because I was scared, attached, and didn’t know the difference between love and addiction.
It gives me the chills to talk about this, but it is very necessary. Very cathartic to me and I’m learning more and more about where I went wrong. I made the choice to stay in the bad relationship until he had to take the drastic measure to leave. I’m the one who chose to come back into the relationship and stayed until I took the drastic measures to get him to leave.
Despite all of this, I can’t help thinking that I will feel really stupid if he makes it big on his book. I think there’s something in the works and that’s why he’s pushing for a fast divorce because he said he won’t give me a dime of it.
Last time vs. this time, part 2
The distinction between this and the last breakup is that I’m not crying anymore. There aren’t any tears now, two weeks in, just a slight tinge of anger. Besides that, I’m pretty emotionless. The anger is mostly for my son’s benefit – I want his dad to step up to the plate and provide a bit and he’s lacking in that respect. Maybe not – maybe he’s just being him and it’s not as easy for me to reach him and tell him these things anymore.
When I’d just had our son, a fleeting thought came to mind – I knew deep in my heart that my husband would be a better provider if we weren’t together and he HAD to give child support. The week after we separated, he brought a pack of diapers, which is something he’d never, ever done before. So, already a step in that direction. I’m also keeping all of my baby-related receipts and he’s agreed to pay on half of them.
I still haven’t told many people, just my core group of friends. It’s hard to go through the second time around. When we got back together, I didn’t tell many people until I found out about my pregnancy. It was almost embarrassing for me to admit that I caved – they had seen how harshly the breakup treated me. It’s starting to trickle out, but I’m not making a big statement out of it and won’t announce it for a while.
What I’m realizing, more than anything, is that I am SURROUNDED by examples of healthy, positive relationships. In fact, the majority of my friends are in them. Another thing in life that gives me hope.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while – one of my arguing points with my husband was regarding the fact that I was too embarrassed to go places with him. Totally true. In the past year, he’s stormed out in a fit of anger and made people cry at every single family event we’ve gone to. When I’ve had friends over to our apartment, he either made it so I would take them over to my –in law’s house, instead, or he’s totally ignored them and focused his energies on his video games.
When he’s brought his friends over (to our itsy bitsy apartment with barely enough breathing room for two people, let alone a baby), I’ve been extremely polite to them, only to have him ALWAYS say afterward, “you were a fucking rude bitch!”. He has never been considerate enough to MENTION that any friends were coming over. Never, no matter how much inconvenience it would cause me, and I was always very polite.
How I knew we really weren’t on the same page: not to seem like a spoiled brat, but I come from a family of hard, hard, hard-working, 1st generation immigrants and grew up living in beautiful homes. My parents definitely worked hard for what they had, starting from day one of their arrival on US soil. My mom’s motto is: “you always have to move forward”. Great, great, great point. With my husband, we’ve always lived in the cheapest apartments. Nothing totally scummy, but nothing truly spectacular ever. He never wanted to go over $1000/mo in rent, which in our area is very hard to find. Basically, you live in an apartment with the basics and that’s it. Ok, I understand that, and I’m willing to work around that, as long as we keep moving forward, which we’ve been doing. He announces that when we buy a house, we must do it with another family and live with another family, or else we’ll never get ahead. I don’t like the idea of that, but I’m willing to work around it.
So, one day, another unannounced friend is over. He is in his 40s, working on his master’s degree, in same low-paying job as my husband.. He mentions he lives in Section 8 housing. Section 8 – for the poorest of families. We’re no where near being even middle – middle class, but we’re not totally poor, either. Remember, we must always move forward. My husband announces – “we should look into section 8 housing!”
Oh . My. God. I don’t’ think it sounds shallow to say that that is one of the most heart-breaking things he’s ever said to me. I can’t even fully explain why, but it bothered me to no end. Not, let’s pool our resources and figure out how we can get to the next level TOGETHER, but, let’s admit defeat and go back about 10 steps.
This is what I’ve learned from this relationship:
- Both sides need to actively WORK on the relationship.
- Telling or texing “I love you” once or twice a day isn’t enough. There needs to be room for telling each other about your day, hugging, kissing, and hand holding, literally and figuratively.
- There needs to be a mutual respect.
- You need to have a meal with each other at your table at least once a day. True I haven’t had my kitchen table all that long, but in the time I’ve had it, we only shared one meal. He ate the rest of his meals by the computer.
- The computer isn’t your family.
- You need to dedicate at the very least ONE day to family on the weekend.
- You need to have mutual interests and mutual activities. Going to the same places all the time for a couple of hours a week doesn’t cut it.
- Your friends are important, but your family is going to be there when no one else is.
When I’d just had our son, a fleeting thought came to mind – I knew deep in my heart that my husband would be a better provider if we weren’t together and he HAD to give child support. The week after we separated, he brought a pack of diapers, which is something he’d never, ever done before. So, already a step in that direction. I’m also keeping all of my baby-related receipts and he’s agreed to pay on half of them.
I still haven’t told many people, just my core group of friends. It’s hard to go through the second time around. When we got back together, I didn’t tell many people until I found out about my pregnancy. It was almost embarrassing for me to admit that I caved – they had seen how harshly the breakup treated me. It’s starting to trickle out, but I’m not making a big statement out of it and won’t announce it for a while.
What I’m realizing, more than anything, is that I am SURROUNDED by examples of healthy, positive relationships. In fact, the majority of my friends are in them. Another thing in life that gives me hope.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while – one of my arguing points with my husband was regarding the fact that I was too embarrassed to go places with him. Totally true. In the past year, he’s stormed out in a fit of anger and made people cry at every single family event we’ve gone to. When I’ve had friends over to our apartment, he either made it so I would take them over to my –in law’s house, instead, or he’s totally ignored them and focused his energies on his video games.
When he’s brought his friends over (to our itsy bitsy apartment with barely enough breathing room for two people, let alone a baby), I’ve been extremely polite to them, only to have him ALWAYS say afterward, “you were a fucking rude bitch!”. He has never been considerate enough to MENTION that any friends were coming over. Never, no matter how much inconvenience it would cause me, and I was always very polite.
How I knew we really weren’t on the same page: not to seem like a spoiled brat, but I come from a family of hard, hard, hard-working, 1st generation immigrants and grew up living in beautiful homes. My parents definitely worked hard for what they had, starting from day one of their arrival on US soil. My mom’s motto is: “you always have to move forward”. Great, great, great point. With my husband, we’ve always lived in the cheapest apartments. Nothing totally scummy, but nothing truly spectacular ever. He never wanted to go over $1000/mo in rent, which in our area is very hard to find. Basically, you live in an apartment with the basics and that’s it. Ok, I understand that, and I’m willing to work around that, as long as we keep moving forward, which we’ve been doing. He announces that when we buy a house, we must do it with another family and live with another family, or else we’ll never get ahead. I don’t like the idea of that, but I’m willing to work around it.
So, one day, another unannounced friend is over. He is in his 40s, working on his master’s degree, in same low-paying job as my husband.. He mentions he lives in Section 8 housing. Section 8 – for the poorest of families. We’re no where near being even middle – middle class, but we’re not totally poor, either. Remember, we must always move forward. My husband announces – “we should look into section 8 housing!”
Oh . My. God. I don’t’ think it sounds shallow to say that that is one of the most heart-breaking things he’s ever said to me. I can’t even fully explain why, but it bothered me to no end. Not, let’s pool our resources and figure out how we can get to the next level TOGETHER, but, let’s admit defeat and go back about 10 steps.
This is what I’ve learned from this relationship:
- Both sides need to actively WORK on the relationship.
- Telling or texing “I love you” once or twice a day isn’t enough. There needs to be room for telling each other about your day, hugging, kissing, and hand holding, literally and figuratively.
- There needs to be a mutual respect.
- You need to have a meal with each other at your table at least once a day. True I haven’t had my kitchen table all that long, but in the time I’ve had it, we only shared one meal. He ate the rest of his meals by the computer.
- The computer isn’t your family.
- You need to dedicate at the very least ONE day to family on the weekend.
- You need to have mutual interests and mutual activities. Going to the same places all the time for a couple of hours a week doesn’t cut it.
- Your friends are important, but your family is going to be there when no one else is.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
First taste of a single mom's life
This morning I overslept by 40 minutes ... the baby had woken up at 4 am and by the time he was back in bed by 5 am, I reasoned I would be able to wake myself up in time. Didn't happen, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "Oh, my husband will wake me up in time".
That obviously didn't happen either.
Last night was a tough one. I brought the baby home from his grandma's house, and by the time he went to bed it was late. I spent the next 4 hours cooking, cleaning, making stuff ready for the weekend, calling the phone company, showering, and by the time I was done, it was midnight and I got just a handful of sleep.
There's so much that I have on my to-do list, and the fact that I'm not at my home three nights a week makes it that much harder to get anything done. It's the way it is for me right now, and it wasn't that much better when husband is around, but the fact that it's just ME doing all of this somehow makes it seem all the more stressful.
This morning my husband's car wasn't at his mom's like it usually is and he didn't pick up the phone when I called him about 6 times last night with a phone problem. I'm not as bruised by that as I used to be, surprisingly. I think I'm too tired to care.
Two days ago, I saw an ex-coworker from many years ago crossing the street in the city where I work. It was an odd and unexpected place to see him. He was the catalyst for starting another divorce from another bad marriage about 4 years ago. Maybe it's a sign?
This coming Saturday is going to be a tricky one for me -- I have to leave my mom's home early, which is hard enough to do coupled with the fact that she's an hour South from my home base. Then, I have to do some quick grocery shopping with baby, unpack everything at home, then get us all packed up to make a visit to my son's great-grandma about an hour north of us.
I'm not sure how the baby will deal with all this moving around, so that's my biggest worry. The grocery shopping is a worry, but it's not going to be as bad.
Sometimes I wish I had a few extra free hours during the day to get my errands done. Oh, how I would adore it! Yes, that's what I really need -- 2 free hours and a few extra hundred dollars in disposable income. Where's my magic lamp when I need it?
That obviously didn't happen either.
Last night was a tough one. I brought the baby home from his grandma's house, and by the time he went to bed it was late. I spent the next 4 hours cooking, cleaning, making stuff ready for the weekend, calling the phone company, showering, and by the time I was done, it was midnight and I got just a handful of sleep.
There's so much that I have on my to-do list, and the fact that I'm not at my home three nights a week makes it that much harder to get anything done. It's the way it is for me right now, and it wasn't that much better when husband is around, but the fact that it's just ME doing all of this somehow makes it seem all the more stressful.
This morning my husband's car wasn't at his mom's like it usually is and he didn't pick up the phone when I called him about 6 times last night with a phone problem. I'm not as bruised by that as I used to be, surprisingly. I think I'm too tired to care.
Two days ago, I saw an ex-coworker from many years ago crossing the street in the city where I work. It was an odd and unexpected place to see him. He was the catalyst for starting another divorce from another bad marriage about 4 years ago. Maybe it's a sign?
This coming Saturday is going to be a tricky one for me -- I have to leave my mom's home early, which is hard enough to do coupled with the fact that she's an hour South from my home base. Then, I have to do some quick grocery shopping with baby, unpack everything at home, then get us all packed up to make a visit to my son's great-grandma about an hour north of us.
I'm not sure how the baby will deal with all this moving around, so that's my biggest worry. The grocery shopping is a worry, but it's not going to be as bad.
Sometimes I wish I had a few extra free hours during the day to get my errands done. Oh, how I would adore it! Yes, that's what I really need -- 2 free hours and a few extra hundred dollars in disposable income. Where's my magic lamp when I need it?
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
A moment of foresight ....
Yesterday, I imagined myself several years in the future, looking back at this time and just laughing at the situation. It felt good.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Weekend update
This is the second weekend since my separation and it has made my life a little more difficult, but a lot more enjoyable. Saturdays are a challenge since those are the days I come back from my mom’s house an hour away, and combine going to the grocery store and then getting everything plus baby into the house when my parking space is in Siberia in relationship to my house, I really get a major work out!
Yesterday, I was lying on the ground with baby, playing with him on the jungle gym and watching his beautiful smile. As I’m seeing him grow, I’m seeing him really understand things. And seeing his beautiful smile yesterday made me realize – I would do anything to help keep that smile around.
I realized this weekend, on Friday, precisely, that my husband is the world’s biggest bullshit. He cannot complete basic functions, such as bill paying or getting taxes done, so how in the hell would he even be able to: 1) get a lawyer, like he’s threatened; and 2) follow through on all of his child custody threats?
They are just intimidation threats, and nothing more. He is pretty powerless when anything beyond his scope of living is concerned, and that includes his book, his video games, and his computer.
All in all, I’m in a good space right now. After praying to God to open up my husband’s eyes, I realized I need to pray to have MY eyes opened up and realize he’s never going to change and the sooner I accept that, the better it is all around. Things will always be status quo with him and despite all his promises for advancement – he’s not! At least not with me as his wife.
I took the baby to visit husband’s grandparents on Sunday. I didn’t want to ruin their weekend, so I didn’t mention anything about our separation. “You have to change him”, his grandma said. “He’s never going to change!” I replied. As we were leaving, I was extremely touched by the sight of her and her husband, both in their late-80s, holding on to each other as they walked down to my car. They were supporting each other, literally. Sure, they’ve had a hard marriage, but there they are, old, still together, still there for each other. They are two lovebirds in the true sense.
They talked about my husband’s parents divorce when the he was a child and how it left the kids so extremely angry. The reason for the divorce was the same as my situation – dad wouldn’t take responsibility, and was constantly belittling his mom. Apparently this belittling gene goes way back to two previous generations.
I passed his mom’s house this morning on the way to work and saw his car there. No feelings of anything from me, which is a surprise. I didn’t want to, but I had to call him last night. He doesn’t pick up right away anymore and I have to call about 3 times to get him to pick up the phone. My voice is always emotionless, but he speaks with some sort of joy. But, you know what? I don’t care anymore. It’s off my plate and I’m more the merrier because of it.
Yesterday, I was lying on the ground with baby, playing with him on the jungle gym and watching his beautiful smile. As I’m seeing him grow, I’m seeing him really understand things. And seeing his beautiful smile yesterday made me realize – I would do anything to help keep that smile around.
I realized this weekend, on Friday, precisely, that my husband is the world’s biggest bullshit. He cannot complete basic functions, such as bill paying or getting taxes done, so how in the hell would he even be able to: 1) get a lawyer, like he’s threatened; and 2) follow through on all of his child custody threats?
They are just intimidation threats, and nothing more. He is pretty powerless when anything beyond his scope of living is concerned, and that includes his book, his video games, and his computer.
All in all, I’m in a good space right now. After praying to God to open up my husband’s eyes, I realized I need to pray to have MY eyes opened up and realize he’s never going to change and the sooner I accept that, the better it is all around. Things will always be status quo with him and despite all his promises for advancement – he’s not! At least not with me as his wife.
I took the baby to visit husband’s grandparents on Sunday. I didn’t want to ruin their weekend, so I didn’t mention anything about our separation. “You have to change him”, his grandma said. “He’s never going to change!” I replied. As we were leaving, I was extremely touched by the sight of her and her husband, both in their late-80s, holding on to each other as they walked down to my car. They were supporting each other, literally. Sure, they’ve had a hard marriage, but there they are, old, still together, still there for each other. They are two lovebirds in the true sense.
They talked about my husband’s parents divorce when the he was a child and how it left the kids so extremely angry. The reason for the divorce was the same as my situation – dad wouldn’t take responsibility, and was constantly belittling his mom. Apparently this belittling gene goes way back to two previous generations.
I passed his mom’s house this morning on the way to work and saw his car there. No feelings of anything from me, which is a surprise. I didn’t want to, but I had to call him last night. He doesn’t pick up right away anymore and I have to call about 3 times to get him to pick up the phone. My voice is always emotionless, but he speaks with some sort of joy. But, you know what? I don’t care anymore. It’s off my plate and I’m more the merrier because of it.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Freedom 2008
By the time my husband left me the first time, I was a burnt-out, broken individual. The hallmark of our relationship up until that time was my tireless devotion to him. He was my priority, my life. I was his scapegoat, his tool, his verbal punching bag.
There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I was so attached to him and so needy to him and he knew it … it fed his ego and he used/abused this to his full-advantage.
Old me: When he would tell me I was a shit for brains, useless, blah blah blah … I would fall apart. I would beg him for forgiveness. I would scream, tear my hair out, tell him I would kill myself if he left me.
New me, after we got together: Would yell back at him, would ignore him, would call him names right back, including loser, asshole, etc.
When he left the first time, he left behind a shell of a person hiding behind layers of fat and makeup. Literally. I was massively overweight and worked in retail cosmetic sales and painted my face on a daily basis beyond all recognition. I would spend half an hour in the morning applying a mask and also using that time to escape into my own world, for once. It was my only free time.
To say I was devastated is too kind. I was a wreck at work, tears streaming down my face at any and all occasions. A public pity party. Even after the tears stopped a month later, I would isolate myself in my home, letting dishes, clothes, books, garbage pile up and with nary a care as cockroaches took over the kitchen.
When I finally got around to cleaning up, I was disgusted with myself. The sheer amount of cockroaches in the kitchen was a shame and disgrace. How could I let myself go down to THAT level?
Even listening to music from that time takes me back to a different mentality, a different perspective. I remember smells differently.
Now that he’s gone again, all I feel is a sense of sheer RELIEF. He’s gone! The wicked warlock is gone! Now I can listen to the music I want to, watch what I want to, go where I want to, play with my kid the way I want to and live a life I can truly enjoy.
All in all, not a bad thing.
There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I was so attached to him and so needy to him and he knew it … it fed his ego and he used/abused this to his full-advantage.
Old me: When he would tell me I was a shit for brains, useless, blah blah blah … I would fall apart. I would beg him for forgiveness. I would scream, tear my hair out, tell him I would kill myself if he left me.
New me, after we got together: Would yell back at him, would ignore him, would call him names right back, including loser, asshole, etc.
When he left the first time, he left behind a shell of a person hiding behind layers of fat and makeup. Literally. I was massively overweight and worked in retail cosmetic sales and painted my face on a daily basis beyond all recognition. I would spend half an hour in the morning applying a mask and also using that time to escape into my own world, for once. It was my only free time.
To say I was devastated is too kind. I was a wreck at work, tears streaming down my face at any and all occasions. A public pity party. Even after the tears stopped a month later, I would isolate myself in my home, letting dishes, clothes, books, garbage pile up and with nary a care as cockroaches took over the kitchen.
When I finally got around to cleaning up, I was disgusted with myself. The sheer amount of cockroaches in the kitchen was a shame and disgrace. How could I let myself go down to THAT level?
Even listening to music from that time takes me back to a different mentality, a different perspective. I remember smells differently.
Now that he’s gone again, all I feel is a sense of sheer RELIEF. He’s gone! The wicked warlock is gone! Now I can listen to the music I want to, watch what I want to, go where I want to, play with my kid the way I want to and live a life I can truly enjoy.
All in all, not a bad thing.
One thing I'm realizing
... is that my husband truly is psychotic. He' s occupying space in a world that doesn't exist anywhere else.
In the last few days, I've had some very enlightening talks with friends and family that have helped me out so, so, so much. The first time we broke up, I wasn't so lucky to have so much support, plus I was devestated, so I went along with his suggestions.
This time around, I do have people who have my and dear sons best interests at heart, so I'm able to discern the crazy from reality when talking to him.
I just got off the phone with him and after a frustrating (and embarrassing - in front of my co-workers) 1/2 hour conversation, I feel like I went around and around and around and around and around in circles only to end up 2 steps ahead of where we started.
He really is trying to intimidate and control me, no matter what he claims. The more I think abou this, the harder this is. My mother-in-law was my greatest ally this time, now she's more of a mediator, and she will always favor his side. Always.
The sticking point here is the book he's writing. I'm scared because he could potentially make a lot of money over it. Ironic, after how many years he's spent NOT making any money and living on contributitions from his dad. He could and if he does, he won't give any of it for our son.
This book has been such a sticking point in our marriage. He has made my life a living hell over it. He has made completely bogus claims that I've driven off his friends because of it. He verbally attacked me and broke my cell phone, my house phone, and my dvd player remote over it.
What drives me crazy about him is how he views himself as such the innocent over this. I have never verbally provoked him or cursed at him or broken his belongings at any point. What I don't understand is how he can totally, with no problem, justify:
1. Verbally and mentally abusing me when I was pregnant, as well as breaking my cell phone and bruising my arm while I was pregnant,
2. Verbally abusing me and cursing at me while I'm holding our child,
3. Becoming violent and breaking my belongings after I have done zero to provoke him, except laugh in the bathroom over a work situation and try to share the tidbit with him.
Sometimes I feel like his actions will give me a nervous breakdown, but then I realize that I'm stronger than that. Now, I have the perspective and wisdom to realize that he can do nothing to change me or make me a lesser person.
The me from 2 years ago would have broken after this barrage of insanity from him. What he doesn't know or realize is that I have more in my favor in terms of support and plus, I have a backbone now. Giving birth does that to you. I can see his bullshit 10 miles away now.
I am also partly control freak. I cannot stand for the fact that he wants to get away with this. Can't stand it!
I wish and pray to God that he realizes how crazy he is. It makes me scared for my son. How do I know he's not going to pull this baloney with our son in the future.
Oh, my sweet, dear, intuitive son. He is such a ray of light in our lives. Truly a diamond constructed from a mound of coal.
Something telling -- right after he was born, every single one of husband's relatives said something to the likeness: "I hope he get's your personality and not his dad's."
What hurts me is the future. What I can see is my son being extremely resentful to his dad, after his dad tries to pull one over on him. I can also see my son telling me I'm stupid, as a result of spending too much time around his dad.
When I was at the doctor's the other day, I was reading a journal entry from my 8th month of pregnancy, right after husband pulled one of his crazy breaking spells. I wrote that I did not want my child exposed to this in any way possible. And that's the bottom line.
I have to let go of the book, I have to let go of the craziness, I have to let go of the need for control, and I have to give in to God. I really do. Because God provides. God does not let good people suffer.
After the first breakup, I spent a lot of time at a spiritual center, praying and crying and giving in to the spirit. It's not so easy for me to go there anymore, but I did listen to one of their albums for the first time in ages. I want to get back to that spirit, back to that me who was slowly learning about her confidence.
The truth is -- I don't want my husband back. I don't want him in my life. I want him to provide for his son, but other than that, I really don't want much to do with him. Like I said in an earlier post, I want to be with the man who views me as his EQUAL ... and as long as it may take, I do believe I'll get there eventually.
I must not live in fear, I must live in the realm of possibility and opportunity.
In the last few days, I've had some very enlightening talks with friends and family that have helped me out so, so, so much. The first time we broke up, I wasn't so lucky to have so much support, plus I was devestated, so I went along with his suggestions.
This time around, I do have people who have my and dear sons best interests at heart, so I'm able to discern the crazy from reality when talking to him.
I just got off the phone with him and after a frustrating (and embarrassing - in front of my co-workers) 1/2 hour conversation, I feel like I went around and around and around and around and around in circles only to end up 2 steps ahead of where we started.
He really is trying to intimidate and control me, no matter what he claims. The more I think abou this, the harder this is. My mother-in-law was my greatest ally this time, now she's more of a mediator, and she will always favor his side. Always.
The sticking point here is the book he's writing. I'm scared because he could potentially make a lot of money over it. Ironic, after how many years he's spent NOT making any money and living on contributitions from his dad. He could and if he does, he won't give any of it for our son.
This book has been such a sticking point in our marriage. He has made my life a living hell over it. He has made completely bogus claims that I've driven off his friends because of it. He verbally attacked me and broke my cell phone, my house phone, and my dvd player remote over it.
What drives me crazy about him is how he views himself as such the innocent over this. I have never verbally provoked him or cursed at him or broken his belongings at any point. What I don't understand is how he can totally, with no problem, justify:
1. Verbally and mentally abusing me when I was pregnant, as well as breaking my cell phone and bruising my arm while I was pregnant,
2. Verbally abusing me and cursing at me while I'm holding our child,
3. Becoming violent and breaking my belongings after I have done zero to provoke him, except laugh in the bathroom over a work situation and try to share the tidbit with him.
Sometimes I feel like his actions will give me a nervous breakdown, but then I realize that I'm stronger than that. Now, I have the perspective and wisdom to realize that he can do nothing to change me or make me a lesser person.
The me from 2 years ago would have broken after this barrage of insanity from him. What he doesn't know or realize is that I have more in my favor in terms of support and plus, I have a backbone now. Giving birth does that to you. I can see his bullshit 10 miles away now.
I am also partly control freak. I cannot stand for the fact that he wants to get away with this. Can't stand it!
I wish and pray to God that he realizes how crazy he is. It makes me scared for my son. How do I know he's not going to pull this baloney with our son in the future.
Oh, my sweet, dear, intuitive son. He is such a ray of light in our lives. Truly a diamond constructed from a mound of coal.
Something telling -- right after he was born, every single one of husband's relatives said something to the likeness: "I hope he get's your personality and not his dad's."
What hurts me is the future. What I can see is my son being extremely resentful to his dad, after his dad tries to pull one over on him. I can also see my son telling me I'm stupid, as a result of spending too much time around his dad.
When I was at the doctor's the other day, I was reading a journal entry from my 8th month of pregnancy, right after husband pulled one of his crazy breaking spells. I wrote that I did not want my child exposed to this in any way possible. And that's the bottom line.
I have to let go of the book, I have to let go of the craziness, I have to let go of the need for control, and I have to give in to God. I really do. Because God provides. God does not let good people suffer.
After the first breakup, I spent a lot of time at a spiritual center, praying and crying and giving in to the spirit. It's not so easy for me to go there anymore, but I did listen to one of their albums for the first time in ages. I want to get back to that spirit, back to that me who was slowly learning about her confidence.
The truth is -- I don't want my husband back. I don't want him in my life. I want him to provide for his son, but other than that, I really don't want much to do with him. Like I said in an earlier post, I want to be with the man who views me as his EQUAL ... and as long as it may take, I do believe I'll get there eventually.
I must not live in fear, I must live in the realm of possibility and opportunity.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Yes, I am angry ...
And no, I don't want to be angry forever. I wish I knew an easy way to let go of it, but I can't.
I hate the fact that it is so easy for him to move on. I hate that he does not struggle with the thought of separation. I hate that he is so eager to get rid of me.
Part of me realizes that this is my need for power, for control, but a deeper part of me wants to know ... am I that heinous to be around?
And yet, from deep within, I know that any man who doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to fight for our relationship is not the man for me.
I hate the fact that it is so easy for him to move on. I hate that he does not struggle with the thought of separation. I hate that he is so eager to get rid of me.
Part of me realizes that this is my need for power, for control, but a deeper part of me wants to know ... am I that heinous to be around?
And yet, from deep within, I know that any man who doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to fight for our relationship is not the man for me.
No sense beating a dead horse ...
As much as my ego can't stand the fact that husband is so eager to get the marriage over with (he has forms printed out and everything), I intrinsically know that there really is no sense beating a dead horse. Our marriage being the dead horse.
One of my coworkers and friends went through a similar relationship and breakup in her 20s. She's now married and just had a baby and is one of my core supporters in all of this. She's been there, seen my tears, listened to my stories, and through it all, gave me a good piece of advice. In her situation, she was able to make the final cut when she just didn't care about who her ex was with.
I feel like I finally got to that point, but my ego is still resisting a bit. I want him to GET it ... to understand and feel why I have so much antipathy for him. Instead of cutting and running, can't he look at himself and see where he needs to improve? I'm wife number 2, so it's not like he's getting better with time.
When he left me the first time, he went on a dating/fucking frenzy overseas, was very serious with one who visited him when he came stateside and ended up dumping her for me. A couple months ago I saw some pictures of them in the throes of their relationship peak, and it was not only devestating for obvious reasons, but it was very enlightening.
She LOVED him ... it was very obvious. LOVED ...he was very into her because it stroked his ego so much. She definitely was more into him that he was into her. Any way, she really thought he was the one. He was different with her than me ... dressier, he even used different expressions.
He always said we were a good fit, physically. Maybe we're so compatible in certain ways there's no way possible that we could build a good marriage because it's so easy to get comfortable.
Before I get lost in nostalgia and what-ifs, and whys, I have to keep reminding myself of why this is the best thing that could happen to me:
1. I haven't loved him for quite some time.
2. We are not partners in any sense of the word - more like roomates, and it's always been this way. Everyone says you have to be married to your equal, and he has always considered me lesser than him.
3. He is apt to violent outbursts on a regular basis. I don't think that is good for a long-term marriage.
4. He is full of promises, never delivers.
5. He is a huge gamble. I knew this going in, but I also thought I had better odds. After 3 years of waiting it out, I can't wait any longer.
6. I'm scared being around him. Really, scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing - I'm always on edge.
7. I'm tired of being scared and worried all the time. Again, he's not my partner in any sense - I don't feel comfortable telling him about my life or any of my concerns.
There are many more issues, and I'm not claiming to be the innocent in all of this. In the general sense, I'm deeply, deeply unhappy in my marriage and in many ways addicted to the drama. But I have to move forward, I have to let go and let God, and I have to trust that there IS a perfect partner out there for me. Part of my problem is that I want things right here, right now -- that might not always happen, but I am learning that I have to hold out for the good in life.
One of my coworkers and friends went through a similar relationship and breakup in her 20s. She's now married and just had a baby and is one of my core supporters in all of this. She's been there, seen my tears, listened to my stories, and through it all, gave me a good piece of advice. In her situation, she was able to make the final cut when she just didn't care about who her ex was with.
I feel like I finally got to that point, but my ego is still resisting a bit. I want him to GET it ... to understand and feel why I have so much antipathy for him. Instead of cutting and running, can't he look at himself and see where he needs to improve? I'm wife number 2, so it's not like he's getting better with time.
When he left me the first time, he went on a dating/fucking frenzy overseas, was very serious with one who visited him when he came stateside and ended up dumping her for me. A couple months ago I saw some pictures of them in the throes of their relationship peak, and it was not only devestating for obvious reasons, but it was very enlightening.
She LOVED him ... it was very obvious. LOVED ...he was very into her because it stroked his ego so much. She definitely was more into him that he was into her. Any way, she really thought he was the one. He was different with her than me ... dressier, he even used different expressions.
He always said we were a good fit, physically. Maybe we're so compatible in certain ways there's no way possible that we could build a good marriage because it's so easy to get comfortable.
Before I get lost in nostalgia and what-ifs, and whys, I have to keep reminding myself of why this is the best thing that could happen to me:
1. I haven't loved him for quite some time.
2. We are not partners in any sense of the word - more like roomates, and it's always been this way. Everyone says you have to be married to your equal, and he has always considered me lesser than him.
3. He is apt to violent outbursts on a regular basis. I don't think that is good for a long-term marriage.
4. He is full of promises, never delivers.
5. He is a huge gamble. I knew this going in, but I also thought I had better odds. After 3 years of waiting it out, I can't wait any longer.
6. I'm scared being around him. Really, scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing - I'm always on edge.
7. I'm tired of being scared and worried all the time. Again, he's not my partner in any sense - I don't feel comfortable telling him about my life or any of my concerns.
There are many more issues, and I'm not claiming to be the innocent in all of this. In the general sense, I'm deeply, deeply unhappy in my marriage and in many ways addicted to the drama. But I have to move forward, I have to let go and let God, and I have to trust that there IS a perfect partner out there for me. Part of my problem is that I want things right here, right now -- that might not always happen, but I am learning that I have to hold out for the good in life.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Getting used to it ...
I'm getting used to it being over, to the beginning of my induction to the single mom club. There is still anger, but by and large, it's receeding. Not to say I don't have any more anger towards him, but I don't have the energy to bring it up.
Sometimes, in moments of insight, I realize our relationship was one big power struggle with no one ending up the wiser. In other moments, I realize if he is not willing to work on our relationship problems and he won't stand up for his family, he really isn't the one for me.
The hardest parts:
1) Seeing him take his stuff from the apt. It's really over, it's done. It really is killing me that he's not fighting for the marriage or the relationship. But then, why do I want to be with someone not willing to stand up for "us"?
2) My son really loves him, and he loves his son.
3) What's going to happen now? Am I doomed to be alone forever? I barely have time to brush my teeth, let alone date, and anyway, my son is my sole priority. Selfish as this sounds, I don't want to have a sexless existance, as lukewarm our sex life has been.
At work, I get to read a lot of magazines (huge perk), and I came across this gem from the editor of Essence, re: marriage. It gives me lots of hope:
"We must walk the path of forgiveness and heal any anger or resentment, which poisons relationships. Magnify God, not your pain. There is a partner who is yours by divine selection. Ask God to reveal that person to you, Keep faith in the promise: "Before you call, I shall answer. But remember, you may have to help make a husband."
Sometimes, in moments of insight, I realize our relationship was one big power struggle with no one ending up the wiser. In other moments, I realize if he is not willing to work on our relationship problems and he won't stand up for his family, he really isn't the one for me.
The hardest parts:
1) Seeing him take his stuff from the apt. It's really over, it's done. It really is killing me that he's not fighting for the marriage or the relationship. But then, why do I want to be with someone not willing to stand up for "us"?
2) My son really loves him, and he loves his son.
3) What's going to happen now? Am I doomed to be alone forever? I barely have time to brush my teeth, let alone date, and anyway, my son is my sole priority. Selfish as this sounds, I don't want to have a sexless existance, as lukewarm our sex life has been.
At work, I get to read a lot of magazines (huge perk), and I came across this gem from the editor of Essence, re: marriage. It gives me lots of hope:
"We must walk the path of forgiveness and heal any anger or resentment, which poisons relationships. Magnify God, not your pain. There is a partner who is yours by divine selection. Ask God to reveal that person to you, Keep faith in the promise: "Before you call, I shall answer. But remember, you may have to help make a husband."
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