I am in a bad state of mind. Right now, for the first time in my life, I really do feel like I need to take psychiatric drugs in order to stabilize my frame of mind.
Well, the final plug was pulled on my marriage and I’m mostly relieved, but all kinds of scared about the future, in addition to angry at my husband’s failures, which he does not see as such but creatively reinterprets as “slight oversights”.
The people who do agree with me, who do see what I am so upset about, agree with me that he needs to get some sense knocked into him, which is why I’ve been acting a fool most of the past few days. I’m hoping my psychotic behavior will break open a crack in his stubborn head and he’ll finally understand why he has succeeded in pushing me away permanently.
He left on Wednesday night, took some stuff, called me the worst woman in the world, and said “fine!” when I let him know that leaving means he can never come back again. Yesterday his crazy mind said that I broke up with him, even though he physically left. As per usual, I had to scream my head off and repeat my self like a psycho in order to get him to understand and concede to my point.
God, I am just so tired right now. Literally and figuratively. I can’t take it anymore. I want him to be accountable, but I have to let that go. I’m worried about money since he’s made it clear he won’t support me and his son. What the fuck is his problem? Scared for so many reasons, including the fact that when he said no one would ever want to marry me again, he was probably right.
Even though his prospects are worse than mine, he is much more likely to find a girl he can fool, versus me who comes with a kid and various other physical/mental burdens.
This is it – the very end.
As I take my first fumbling steps forward, I still reach to the past, scared to let go and let God.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Is this normal?
There are times, like this very moment, when I am so frustrated with my life I can't imagine it getting any better. Here are my complaints of the moment, and in general:
1. My husband. 2. My work. 3. My failure to progress.
1. My husband: We have a very tempestuous relationship built on insecurity and threats. There are days when I can't imagine being without him, and times when I just want to rage, and rage, and rage at him to no end. He brings the devil out of me.
I grew up in a very strict household. My parents are foreign-born and very overprotective, as is typical in these types of situations. As a result, I lived at home with them until I was 26, except for a brief 6 months at age 24. When I met my husband, I had never had a boyfriend, had never been asked out, had never been kissed.
At the time I was working in a retail job (long story, more later) where everyone was dateless, desperate, and turning to the then-burgeoning internet dating scene. I posted on match.com, yahoo personals and had the requisite number of bad dates. I ended up meeting my husband who won me over with his sensitive emails and seeming understanding of my situation. It turns out, he was just a version 2.0 of my mentally abusive father, and I was too much in my whirlwind of attraction to realize it.
You're attracted to what you're familiar with, and I grew up with a mentally unstable dad who had a tendency to go on a warpath every month or so. The warpath is the situation when a person is fixated on something that's happened to them that they can't fix, understand or get over, so they feel the need to rehash the story as many times as possible, making them seem like the slighted victim. Their MO is to lash out at you and make you feel like shit in order to rid themselves of their demons.
In my life my dad has spent YEARS throwing his demons at me. literally, years. It took me a long time and lots of self-counseling to realize that I wasn't as bad as he made me out to be.
While I was seeking freedom from this, I ended up in a similar situation.
My husband is a complex character. Brilliant, but an idiot. Had a hard childhood, product of divorce, smart in a way that defies the usual, and as a result is currently a mid-30's perpetual student with no money, no savings, no 401-k, no house, nothing. His father supports him and he works a part-time job while he's working on a book. The book may be successful, but in the meanwhile, I am the breadwinner and no support from him. If I need help buying stuff for our baby, he asks his mom to buy it. What a dad.
Where is the real me in all of this? I wanted so much more from life than this. Actually, I never really knew what I wanted, I just know it wasn't THIS. Like tonight, my husband is off celebrating the birthday of a friend without telling me at all, spending money on the friend he refuses to spend on his son while I'm sweating the pennies. I feel like my life can't get any better than this and it's rock bottom.
when all is said and done, who will love me and my child? am I destined to be alone forever? am I the loser in this situation? i don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to or even who will be on my side.
One of the benefits of motherhood is that being as tremendously busy as I've been, I've let a lot of my guards down. I also just don't have the time or state of mind to care as much about certain things anymore, which generally makes me a more agreeable and likeable person. However, there are certain slights that I cannont, willnot let pass, such as my husbands indifference and denigration. His constant maliciousness towards me expressed in words is just too much to bear sometimes. Far too much for any trying-to-remain-sane individual.
1. My husband. 2. My work. 3. My failure to progress.
1. My husband: We have a very tempestuous relationship built on insecurity and threats. There are days when I can't imagine being without him, and times when I just want to rage, and rage, and rage at him to no end. He brings the devil out of me.
I grew up in a very strict household. My parents are foreign-born and very overprotective, as is typical in these types of situations. As a result, I lived at home with them until I was 26, except for a brief 6 months at age 24. When I met my husband, I had never had a boyfriend, had never been asked out, had never been kissed.
At the time I was working in a retail job (long story, more later) where everyone was dateless, desperate, and turning to the then-burgeoning internet dating scene. I posted on match.com, yahoo personals and had the requisite number of bad dates. I ended up meeting my husband who won me over with his sensitive emails and seeming understanding of my situation. It turns out, he was just a version 2.0 of my mentally abusive father, and I was too much in my whirlwind of attraction to realize it.
You're attracted to what you're familiar with, and I grew up with a mentally unstable dad who had a tendency to go on a warpath every month or so. The warpath is the situation when a person is fixated on something that's happened to them that they can't fix, understand or get over, so they feel the need to rehash the story as many times as possible, making them seem like the slighted victim. Their MO is to lash out at you and make you feel like shit in order to rid themselves of their demons.
In my life my dad has spent YEARS throwing his demons at me. literally, years. It took me a long time and lots of self-counseling to realize that I wasn't as bad as he made me out to be.
While I was seeking freedom from this, I ended up in a similar situation.
My husband is a complex character. Brilliant, but an idiot. Had a hard childhood, product of divorce, smart in a way that defies the usual, and as a result is currently a mid-30's perpetual student with no money, no savings, no 401-k, no house, nothing. His father supports him and he works a part-time job while he's working on a book. The book may be successful, but in the meanwhile, I am the breadwinner and no support from him. If I need help buying stuff for our baby, he asks his mom to buy it. What a dad.
Where is the real me in all of this? I wanted so much more from life than this. Actually, I never really knew what I wanted, I just know it wasn't THIS. Like tonight, my husband is off celebrating the birthday of a friend without telling me at all, spending money on the friend he refuses to spend on his son while I'm sweating the pennies. I feel like my life can't get any better than this and it's rock bottom.
when all is said and done, who will love me and my child? am I destined to be alone forever? am I the loser in this situation? i don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to or even who will be on my side.
One of the benefits of motherhood is that being as tremendously busy as I've been, I've let a lot of my guards down. I also just don't have the time or state of mind to care as much about certain things anymore, which generally makes me a more agreeable and likeable person. However, there are certain slights that I cannont, willnot let pass, such as my husbands indifference and denigration. His constant maliciousness towards me expressed in words is just too much to bear sometimes. Far too much for any trying-to-remain-sane individual.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Anon Mom, part 1
I have a need for attention, to have my voice heard in a public forum, but unfortunately, too many of the people I would write about would read this and might not have the most positive reaction in the world. I have a myspace, but keep it pretty simple because some of the people I most want to “discuss” are on my friends list.
Who am I? A new mom of a 6 month old boy, wife of 2 ½ years to a 34-year old man, admin in a media company, and an artistically and intellectually stifled individual.
When I was much younger, my writing was highly lauded by teachers, families and friends. Writing was my friend, my soulmate, my way of expressing myself and making a connection with the world (more on that later). Somewhere along the line in my almost-30 year old life, I lost my voice, and my writing hasn’t been the same since. It’s disjointed, choppy, and I can never seem to really get ME across.
To really be honest, I don’t feel special anymore. I can’t see what makes me ok. Perhaps its from years of being around people who use their power to make themselves feel better at my expense, both professionally and personally. In my life, I need to make changes and I need to move forward. To do this, it is essential that I know and comprehend what makes me unique and worthy, again. I need to find this again so I can move forward in my life.
Maybe it’s from years of being fake and presenting a fake me to the rest of the world. With strife amongst family and friends, I have to really watch what I say to who, lest it start World War III or a gossip storm.
Another reason I wanted to start blogging is to settle the confusion in my mind. The last 5 years have been a jumble of major life events and I haven’t been able to really stop and take a breath – move 300 miles away, move back in with parents who have moved to the same area, meet DH and conduct a secret relationship with him since my parents were crazy protective of their mid-20’s daughter, leave parents home in a huff and don’t speak to them or siblings for 2 years, husband leaves me after 6 months of marriage to live in Lebanon and date many women, I sink into major depression and lose about 100 lbs, husband comes back, I get pregnant, we move 3 weeks before giving birth, I go back to work after baby fighting it all the way …. That and so much more, so many eye-opening experiences, and not much time to process it all. I’m very hard on myself, and I figure with a look back, I’ll be able to make peace with the past and move forward as I need to.
This anonymous thing is a huge relief. Huge. I’m looking forward to opening up a bit more than I could in my normal, everyday life, and learning more about me.
Next time, an introduction to my work life and the characters involved in it.
Who am I? A new mom of a 6 month old boy, wife of 2 ½ years to a 34-year old man, admin in a media company, and an artistically and intellectually stifled individual.
When I was much younger, my writing was highly lauded by teachers, families and friends. Writing was my friend, my soulmate, my way of expressing myself and making a connection with the world (more on that later). Somewhere along the line in my almost-30 year old life, I lost my voice, and my writing hasn’t been the same since. It’s disjointed, choppy, and I can never seem to really get ME across.
To really be honest, I don’t feel special anymore. I can’t see what makes me ok. Perhaps its from years of being around people who use their power to make themselves feel better at my expense, both professionally and personally. In my life, I need to make changes and I need to move forward. To do this, it is essential that I know and comprehend what makes me unique and worthy, again. I need to find this again so I can move forward in my life.
Maybe it’s from years of being fake and presenting a fake me to the rest of the world. With strife amongst family and friends, I have to really watch what I say to who, lest it start World War III or a gossip storm.
Another reason I wanted to start blogging is to settle the confusion in my mind. The last 5 years have been a jumble of major life events and I haven’t been able to really stop and take a breath – move 300 miles away, move back in with parents who have moved to the same area, meet DH and conduct a secret relationship with him since my parents were crazy protective of their mid-20’s daughter, leave parents home in a huff and don’t speak to them or siblings for 2 years, husband leaves me after 6 months of marriage to live in Lebanon and date many women, I sink into major depression and lose about 100 lbs, husband comes back, I get pregnant, we move 3 weeks before giving birth, I go back to work after baby fighting it all the way …. That and so much more, so many eye-opening experiences, and not much time to process it all. I’m very hard on myself, and I figure with a look back, I’ll be able to make peace with the past and move forward as I need to.
This anonymous thing is a huge relief. Huge. I’m looking forward to opening up a bit more than I could in my normal, everyday life, and learning more about me.
Next time, an introduction to my work life and the characters involved in it.
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