The thing about the internet is this ... as wonderful and terrific as it is, it is never as anonymous as you'd like it to be.
I started this blog with the intention of moving past my separation and eventual divorce and life as a single mom. I used it my venue for venting about my former boss, that is until she found me out. I've also met some wonderful people as "Anonmom", nothing to complain about there.
However, as much as I like to think certain things about privacy and anonymity ... I've realized it's time for me to regain my privacy. I can't say certain things anymore, and in so many ways... I don't want to, either.
And so, I've decided ... it's time. I've been faithfully blogging here every day for just about 2 years. I might be back, I might not, but my time here is done for the moment. I need to regroup, to concentrate on finding a source of income, to focus on moving forward. I've found that once you let go of the familiar, of the comfortable and make way for the totally uncomfortable -- that's where the magic happens.
Love,
Me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Loneliness
Tonight, Sunday night, I am capping off my day with a fairly new treat - a cold glass of moscato (a sweet, white wine) right after Andre finally sleeps, at 11:15 pm.
I've never really been a drinker, but I have to admit, this glass of goodness takes care of all that ails me and allows me to escape reality for just a few moments.
It's been a tough time for me recently ... emotions are spilling out that I haven't had to deal with in quite a while, and I've had to face my own reality in so many ways. It's not just being off of an anti-depressant, it's everything. It's dealing with life.
I looked at Andre today ... he was roaming about the house wearing a football jersey-type shirt and throwing around a football. He was doing it just the way a football should be thrown, which is so foreign to me ... and it made me realize that NOW is the time he needs a strong male role model more than ever.
Another thing I realized is that he's left his baby days far behind him. He's a boy now, not a baby. His baby fat is long gone, leaving his tall frame lanky and lean. He is really tall for a 2 1/2 year old, causing most people to wonder if he's really 3 or 4. And he doesn't need me as much anymore -- when he was a baby, I was occupied with tending to him and following him around, and now he does his own thing, calling me over whenever he wants me to start interacting with him.
It was at that moment while he was amusing himself and I was eating some roasted veggies from the fridge that it dawned upon me so harshly that goddamn, I am effing lonely.
I mean, really lonely.
Now that cancer has taken over the lives of my ex-inlaws, we literally cannot visit them as often. My mom and dad and sisters are stuck in their own heads and lives, and now that winter is here, our social invitations are nonexistent.
It sucks. Balls.
I've never really been a drinker, but I have to admit, this glass of goodness takes care of all that ails me and allows me to escape reality for just a few moments.
It's been a tough time for me recently ... emotions are spilling out that I haven't had to deal with in quite a while, and I've had to face my own reality in so many ways. It's not just being off of an anti-depressant, it's everything. It's dealing with life.
I looked at Andre today ... he was roaming about the house wearing a football jersey-type shirt and throwing around a football. He was doing it just the way a football should be thrown, which is so foreign to me ... and it made me realize that NOW is the time he needs a strong male role model more than ever.
Another thing I realized is that he's left his baby days far behind him. He's a boy now, not a baby. His baby fat is long gone, leaving his tall frame lanky and lean. He is really tall for a 2 1/2 year old, causing most people to wonder if he's really 3 or 4. And he doesn't need me as much anymore -- when he was a baby, I was occupied with tending to him and following him around, and now he does his own thing, calling me over whenever he wants me to start interacting with him.
It was at that moment while he was amusing himself and I was eating some roasted veggies from the fridge that it dawned upon me so harshly that goddamn, I am effing lonely.
I mean, really lonely.
Now that cancer has taken over the lives of my ex-inlaws, we literally cannot visit them as often. My mom and dad and sisters are stuck in their own heads and lives, and now that winter is here, our social invitations are nonexistent.
It sucks. Balls.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Patience
“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” anon
I am a Scorpio, tried and true, and just as my sign suggests, I want to get my pincers into people right away. The concept of giving anyone space? Insanity. I can't understand it. How? Why? Space? What the what?
I. Cannot. Stand. Waiting.
It's torturous. Sheer torture.
Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine.
----
Last week exactly I had a very interesting dream ... someone came to my house and out of some kind of revenge stole all of my spices. I mean, straight up put them in a bag and left ... I remember being there and not resisiting or not speaking up.
I took the dream over to Facebook, and here was the interpretation: "You need a little more spice in your life. Someone/something has taken it away!"
To that I say: YES!
It's true. Lately I've been lamenting the sheer boredom of my daily life. I'm busy, but I'm bored. I'm ready for something new, or at least for better weather and the time change so I'm not in the same old same old evening routine.
My evenings with Andre are driving us both bozonkers -- there's just so much you can do in a one bedroom apartment, and his refusal to sleep before 11 pm makes it all the more worse. In the extra time he gives himself to be awake, he manages to tear down and destroy whatever is in his range. He's a two year old, he's a boy -- that's what they do.
As for me, however ... I need some spice in my life.
That's for damn sure.
I am a Scorpio, tried and true, and just as my sign suggests, I want to get my pincers into people right away. The concept of giving anyone space? Insanity. I can't understand it. How? Why? Space? What the what?
I. Cannot. Stand. Waiting.
It's torturous. Sheer torture.
Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine.
----
Last week exactly I had a very interesting dream ... someone came to my house and out of some kind of revenge stole all of my spices. I mean, straight up put them in a bag and left ... I remember being there and not resisiting or not speaking up.
I took the dream over to Facebook, and here was the interpretation: "You need a little more spice in your life. Someone/something has taken it away!"
To that I say: YES!
It's true. Lately I've been lamenting the sheer boredom of my daily life. I'm busy, but I'm bored. I'm ready for something new, or at least for better weather and the time change so I'm not in the same old same old evening routine.
My evenings with Andre are driving us both bozonkers -- there's just so much you can do in a one bedroom apartment, and his refusal to sleep before 11 pm makes it all the more worse. In the extra time he gives himself to be awake, he manages to tear down and destroy whatever is in his range. He's a two year old, he's a boy -- that's what they do.
As for me, however ... I need some spice in my life.
That's for damn sure.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Live without regret
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - The Dalai Lama
After writing yesterday's fear-based post, I came to this realization ... I cannot live in fear.
I choose to not live in fear.
I refuse to live in fear.
Fear? Begone! I don't have time for you!
Why? Because I know who I am. I know what I am capable of, and I know that if I stick with faith, I will be richly rewarded.
I also realized something else -- I am just weaned off of an anti-depressant after almost 2 years, and because of that I am feeling things that are brand new to me. It's a reacclimation process. As nice as it was to not feel for a while, I have to accept that hey ... that's how life goes.
With so many uncertainties, it certainly is tempting to let fear creep in and take the better of me ... but you know what? I'm better than fear. I kick fear in the ass. And I will continue to shine, for better or worse.
Yeah!
After writing yesterday's fear-based post, I came to this realization ... I cannot live in fear.
I choose to not live in fear.
I refuse to live in fear.
Fear? Begone! I don't have time for you!
Why? Because I know who I am. I know what I am capable of, and I know that if I stick with faith, I will be richly rewarded.
I also realized something else -- I am just weaned off of an anti-depressant after almost 2 years, and because of that I am feeling things that are brand new to me. It's a reacclimation process. As nice as it was to not feel for a while, I have to accept that hey ... that's how life goes.
With so many uncertainties, it certainly is tempting to let fear creep in and take the better of me ... but you know what? I'm better than fear. I kick fear in the ass. And I will continue to shine, for better or worse.
Yeah!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Fears
Let's talk about fears.
I have plenty of them, and lately they've been getting the best of me.
Life is always full of uncertainty, but lately it seems like there's even more than before. Maybe some of that is self-manufactured, but at the same time ... I keep wishing for my break to come.
It's not for lack of trying, because I am working my heinie off, as I've mentioned a zillion times. It's just ... what do I do?
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of losing my car, of losing my home. I'm afraid of losing the life I'm used to.
I'm afraid that I won't hear from him again. I'm afraid that if he doesn't call me again, it means I am unloveable. I'm afraid to lose him.
I'm afraid of being broke-ass. Hell, I am broke ass.
I'm tired of sending out tons and tons and tons of emails only to get nothing in return.
Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to not have to worry about money. I try to keep myself in that place and trust that God is watching out for me, and know that God would never forsake me.
Something's gotta give sooner or later, right?
I have plenty of them, and lately they've been getting the best of me.
Life is always full of uncertainty, but lately it seems like there's even more than before. Maybe some of that is self-manufactured, but at the same time ... I keep wishing for my break to come.
It's not for lack of trying, because I am working my heinie off, as I've mentioned a zillion times. It's just ... what do I do?
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of losing my car, of losing my home. I'm afraid of losing the life I'm used to.
I'm afraid that I won't hear from him again. I'm afraid that if he doesn't call me again, it means I am unloveable. I'm afraid to lose him.
I'm afraid of being broke-ass. Hell, I am broke ass.
I'm tired of sending out tons and tons and tons of emails only to get nothing in return.
Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to not have to worry about money. I try to keep myself in that place and trust that God is watching out for me, and know that God would never forsake me.
Something's gotta give sooner or later, right?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Outrageousness
If there's one thing I'm good at these days, it's doing outrageous things to promote myself.
Outrageous. And why? Because I am OVER spinning my wheels in this job search. Over it completely, and I know there has to be a be a better way to get noticed in this man eat man world.
My latest trick?
I've put together a demo reel and am sending it to tv show producers. I want to be an on-air beauty expert, which is something I've always wanted to do and because I have nothing to lose.
Something has GOTTA come along! Just gottaa!
Outrageous. And why? Because I am OVER spinning my wheels in this job search. Over it completely, and I know there has to be a be a better way to get noticed in this man eat man world.
My latest trick?
I've put together a demo reel and am sending it to tv show producers. I want to be an on-air beauty expert, which is something I've always wanted to do and because I have nothing to lose.
Something has GOTTA come along! Just gottaa!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Projecting 101
Over the weekend, I talked to a sage friend of mine who knows me really well and even before I started discussing my woes, she had one thing to say to me:
"You need to shut down the chatter in your head for five minutes."
True, very, very true.
The inside of my head is a very busy place these days. To be quite honest, I'm on the edge of being completely worn out. I'm tired but I can't stop. Really, I can't.
It's been 3 months since I've been job-free, and in that time I've done tremendous things ... but in a way I realize that I need to change my approach in order to profit from all the work I'm doing. I need to be a bit more selfish, but that's another topic for another day.
However, the result of all of my madness is that there are stacks of bills and deadlines and must-dos that are seemingly endless, and when I start to think about it ... well, that's where the stress shuts it.
I do a pretty good job of tuning it out, but in the last couple days, I've been using a person as my punching bag ... and they don't even know it.
Why aren't they calling me? I've wondered ... thinking up a zillion and half conspiracy theories, using the empty and lonely spaces in my day to spin things round and round in my increasingly crowded mind.
Then I came home this evening, let Andre wander around the house for a bit, and took a few minutes to curl up on my bed. It's been a long time since I've been able to curl up on my bed without Andre and all of his toys and books.
On one hand, it felt so good to take that little bit of time for myself, but then my reality came crashing down on me ... the extent of my bills, my money problems, my lack of health insurance problems, my baby daddy problems, the frustrations of dealing with the terrible twos, the fact that a job is no where on the horizon.
And then, lying there in the fetal position with my head in my hands ... I thought about the person I was acting like a psycho about ... he's innocent. He's not a bad person, he's not flaking on me, he's not ignoring me, he's not lying to me. He will come around at some point. I've been projecting my real life worries on him, and needlessly so.
That was better and cheaper than seeing a shrink.
After that, I logged on to Facebook quickly and saw this on a friend's status update, which was exactly what I needed to see:
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
Yes, tonight there was some demon wrestling going on ... and I emerged with renewed focus, and the knowledge that things WILL be alright.
"You need to shut down the chatter in your head for five minutes."
True, very, very true.
The inside of my head is a very busy place these days. To be quite honest, I'm on the edge of being completely worn out. I'm tired but I can't stop. Really, I can't.
It's been 3 months since I've been job-free, and in that time I've done tremendous things ... but in a way I realize that I need to change my approach in order to profit from all the work I'm doing. I need to be a bit more selfish, but that's another topic for another day.
However, the result of all of my madness is that there are stacks of bills and deadlines and must-dos that are seemingly endless, and when I start to think about it ... well, that's where the stress shuts it.
I do a pretty good job of tuning it out, but in the last couple days, I've been using a person as my punching bag ... and they don't even know it.
Why aren't they calling me? I've wondered ... thinking up a zillion and half conspiracy theories, using the empty and lonely spaces in my day to spin things round and round in my increasingly crowded mind.
Then I came home this evening, let Andre wander around the house for a bit, and took a few minutes to curl up on my bed. It's been a long time since I've been able to curl up on my bed without Andre and all of his toys and books.
On one hand, it felt so good to take that little bit of time for myself, but then my reality came crashing down on me ... the extent of my bills, my money problems, my lack of health insurance problems, my baby daddy problems, the frustrations of dealing with the terrible twos, the fact that a job is no where on the horizon.
And then, lying there in the fetal position with my head in my hands ... I thought about the person I was acting like a psycho about ... he's innocent. He's not a bad person, he's not flaking on me, he's not ignoring me, he's not lying to me. He will come around at some point. I've been projecting my real life worries on him, and needlessly so.
That was better and cheaper than seeing a shrink.
After that, I logged on to Facebook quickly and saw this on a friend's status update, which was exactly what I needed to see:
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
Yes, tonight there was some demon wrestling going on ... and I emerged with renewed focus, and the knowledge that things WILL be alright.
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